Author 26pointblue Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 What's the email program that you use at work 26 point? I'm sure some of us will be glad to help you figure out a way to block him or auto delete. We are on your side.........and you are hurting. I want you to stop the roller coaster of pain. We use Microsoft Outlook. Thank you for the help. I also want to get off this rollercoaster but it seems I have some sick fascination with sitting here wanting it to stop automatically instead of just taking the leap & jumping off of it myself!!!
Spark1111 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 As to the last NC question please see my question above. I think I am just reluctant to cut out all hope of us from inside me. I know I have to do it but I just hate that idea. Thank you Spark for your comments, they are very helpful & I know what you're saying, I do. Look, I don't know it all, but I know this: If a man loves you, he will move heaven and earth to be with you. He will not risk anyone else stealing you away. He will provide, protect and profess his feeling for you, and all of it will be followed up by his decisive actions. He will move out, divorce, and start introducing you to his family and all his friends. He will be proud to be seen with you. He will live to make you happy, change FOR YOU. He will hate to inadvertantly hurt you. Maybe other men will weigh in here and support me on this: I hope so. If a man is self-protecting, or weighing all his options, or flip-flopping around, or dangling a carrot here or there....I just do not know if there is anything I can say to make this any easier for you. Let's say all of the above happens....would you respect this man? After initially "winning" him, would you, in your heart, respect him?
Author 26pointblue Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Look, I don't know it all, but I know this: If a man loves you, he will move heaven and earth to be with you. He will not risk anyone else stealing you away. He will provide, protect and profess his feeling for you, and all of it will be followed up by his decisive actions. He will move out, divorce, and start introducing you to his family and all his friends. He will be proud to be seen with you. He will live to make you happy, change FOR YOU. He will hate to inadvertantly hurt you. Maybe other men will weigh in here and support me on this: I hope so. If a man is self-protecting, or weighing all his options, or flip-flopping around, or dangling a carrot here or there....I just do not know if there is anything I can say to make this any easier for you. Let's say all of the above happens....would you respect this man? After initially "winning" him, would you, in your heart, respect him? If he did all of those things then yes I think I would respect him. However he hasn't done them so no I don't respect him.
BB07 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 We use Microsoft Outlook. Thank you for the help. I also want to get off this rollercoaster but it seems I have some sick fascination with sitting here wanting it to stop automatically instead of just taking the leap & jumping off of it myself!!! http://email.about.com/od/livemaildesktoptips/qt/Block_a_Sender_in_Windows_Live_Mail_or_Outlook_Express.htm Try the above link for learning how to block. If that doesn't work........we'll find another way. The contact helps you hang on to the hope hon..... Psssssttt........I don't think I've ever talked about all of this here but for you, I'm gonna do it, OK. When the dynamite blew up for xmm and I and he knew I knew the truth. At first I was sick because I wanted to have my say. I thought he'd be too damn cowardly to contact me and I wasn't going to contact him. Then....he called, we talked some and I even met up with him. I wanted to ask him some questions about his long drawn out deceit that he had led me on for almost 2 years. Did I get answers, well maybe a few but I've no doubt that I got more lies too. Then a few days later, the anger kicked in, gawd I was furious. So I called him and to my surprise he answered. I gave him a lot of grief but I was still weak in some ways and we agreed to talk again in another month. Yes it was stupid. Well the next week he called me again and when the conversation was over, I knew he had washed his hands of it and he had somehow made himself feel a bit better because he told me how sorry he was and how he had genially loved me. Click...........done, finished. I admit there were times when I had very strong urges to contact him but I knew it would be fruitless for me and really......there was nothing left to discuss as I knew deep down that I wouldn't get my closure from him but I admit it, (for you,lol) that there was some sick part of me that wanted him to keep calling me, to feed my bruised and battered ego, to maybe make me feel that it wasn't all for nothing, to maybe make me feel as if he really did love me. Sick......and now I'm glad he didn't but there is some little part of me that knows inside that it would have gave me more of a sense of control if he was begging me to take him back and if I could have been the sadistic one and said..........f you asshat. So.....now I know that in more ways than one, maintaining my silence and me refusing to contact him again, did say exactly that. So...........I say to you, send him ONE text, say I wish you a good life, but I will not be part of it. Then go DARK girl.........completely dark. Then you will be able to give up that thin string of hope and start to heal. You deserve better than what he can ever offer you. You are smart, compassionate and loving, just figure out how to not give yourself to some broken guy. (This goes for me too) Hugs..........
carrie999 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Didn't take much to suck you back in. Well, good luck...I'm sure this time around it'll be different. And PLEASE stop saying you are NC - you aren't. You are in "Listen to his vm's and hope for email but not respond when does" mode. Seriously...WHY? Why would you listen and NOT respond...this is sounding like some big prepubescent game... Look, just jump back into this 100%, at least then you get "the good" along with all the lies, drama, worry, head-spinning and drama. I'm guessing this comes from a supportive "tough love" point of view, but I still don't think it's breaking NC if 26PB isn't responding. Yes- technically he has contact, but that's almost impossible to change without blocking him entirely, which would likely mean changing email and home addresses and phone numbers. 26PB, I do agree with everyone else that you need to refuse to respond, at least for a while. I'm so impressed with your strength and resolve, and I know how hard this must be right now, especially when this dumb**s keeps reaching out. I wouldn't even make any statements right now about whether or not you'll ever talk again. I would just leave it where it is, and if something changes down the road, deal with it then...but until then, assume it's as over as it was the day you started NC. (((((Hugs)))))
Kismetly Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 http://email.about.com/od/livemaildesktoptips/qt/Block_a_Sender_in_Windows_Live_Mail_or_Outlook_Express.htm Try the above link for learning how to block. If that doesn't work........we'll find another way. The contact helps you hang on to the hope hon..... Psssssttt........I don't think I've ever talked about all of this here but for you, I'm gonna do it, OK. When the dynamite blew up for xmm and I and he knew I knew the truth. At first I was sick because I wanted to have my say. I thought he'd be too damn cowardly to contact me and I wasn't going to contact him. Then....he called, we talked some and I even met up with him. I wanted to ask him some questions about his long drawn out deceit that he had led me on for almost 2 years. Did I get answers, well maybe a few but I've no doubt that I got more lies too. Then a few days later, the anger kicked in, gawd I was furious. So I called him and to my surprise he answered. I gave him a lot of grief but I was still weak in some ways and we agreed to talk again in another month. Yes it was stupid. Well the next week he called me again and when the conversation was over, I knew he had washed his hands of it and he had somehow made himself feel a bit better because he told me how sorry he was and how he had genially loved me. Click...........done, finished. I admit there were times when I had very strong urges to contact him but I knew it would be fruitless for me and really......there was nothing left to discuss as I knew deep down that I wouldn't get my closure from him but I admit it, (for you,lol) that there was some sick part of me that wanted him to keep calling me, to feed my bruised and battered ego, to maybe make me feel that it wasn't all for nothing, to maybe make me feel as if he really did love me. Sick......and now I'm glad he didn't but there is some little part of me that knows inside that it would have gave me more of a sense of control if he was begging me to take him back and if I could have been the sadistic one and said..........f you asshat. So.....now I know that in more ways than one, maintaining my silence and me refusing to contact him again, did say exactly that. So...........I say to you, send him ONE text, say I wish you a good life, but I will not be part of it. Then go DARK girl.........completely dark. Then you will be able to give up that thin string of hope and start to heal. You deserve better than what he can ever offer you. You are smart, compassionate and loving, just figure out how to not give yourself to some broken guy. (This goes for me too) Hugs.......... Thanks BB07. That's great advice for 26 ... and I needed to read it too. 26 I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say I SOOO know what you are going through. I so get it. :cool: I think that what we are supposed to be learning is the ability to make healthy choices about what men we choose. It's tough stuff girl. I'm right beside you on this arduous journey. I don't know about you, but I feel like an undisciplined athlete. LIke you feel good when you are doing the hard training - strictly sticking to no-contact, keeping yourself busy, actively planning a future without that man in it ... but it's like your holding your breath and you have to exhale ... exhale, relax, allow contact, allow yourself to re-contemplate that fantasy you made in your head - because it's easier than the hard work of getting healthy and making new choices. Its hard - but you are doing really well ...
Author 26pointblue Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 http://email.about.com/od/livemaildesktoptips/qt/Block_a_Sender_in_Windows_Live_Mail_or_Outlook_Express.htm Try the above link for learning how to block. If that doesn't work........we'll find another way. The contact helps you hang on to the hope hon..... Psssssttt........I don't think I've ever talked about all of this here but for you, I'm gonna do it, OK. When the dynamite blew up for xmm and I and he knew I knew the truth. At first I was sick because I wanted to have my say. I thought he'd be too damn cowardly to contact me and I wasn't going to contact him. Then....he called, we talked some and I even met up with him. I wanted to ask him some questions about his long drawn out deceit that he had led me on for almost 2 years. Did I get answers, well maybe a few but I've no doubt that I got more lies too. Then a few days later, the anger kicked in, gawd I was furious. So I called him and to my surprise he answered. I gave him a lot of grief but I was still weak in some ways and we agreed to talk again in another month. Yes it was stupid. Well the next week he called me again and when the conversation was over, I knew he had washed his hands of it and he had somehow made himself feel a bit better because he told me how sorry he was and how he had genially loved me. Click...........done, finished. I admit there were times when I had very strong urges to contact him but I knew it would be fruitless for me and really......there was nothing left to discuss as I knew deep down that I wouldn't get my closure from him but I admit it, (for you,lol) that there was some sick part of me that wanted him to keep calling me, to feed my bruised and battered ego, to maybe make me feel that it wasn't all for nothing, to maybe make me feel as if he really did love me. Sick......and now I'm glad he didn't but there is some little part of me that knows inside that it would have gave me more of a sense of control if he was begging me to take him back and if I could have been the sadistic one and said..........f you asshat. So.....now I know that in more ways than one, maintaining my silence and me refusing to contact him again, did say exactly that. So...........I say to you, send him ONE text, say I wish you a good life, but I will not be part of it. Then go DARK girl.........completely dark. Then you will be able to give up that thin string of hope and start to heal. You deserve better than what he can ever offer you. You are smart, compassionate and loving, just figure out how to not give yourself to some broken guy. (This goes for me too) Hugs.......... This is really good advice, thank you for sharing. In the past I've gone dark on him & felt very bad, like I was betraying him or something [?] & really missed him. And it never really felt like we were really over. I know that this time I need to make it for real & for good. Because eventually there does come a time where I start to feel strong again. About what you posted about your own situation & your anger . . . I get what you mean & I think it may be easier in a way to walk away from him when he has done something to anger me. [i suppose I can think back about things he's done in the past & get angry, such as the lies]. I don't know why it's so hard for me to do when he hasn't done anything 'wrong' per se or even appears to be trying to move forward & take action. And I've realized that when I do it in the spur of the moment out of anger, I later regret it or backtrack or at least keep my heart open for him. So I think at this point I need to tell myself that -I- am making it be over, no matter what he says or does, for me, & that it's really in the past no matter what. I agree with you that that's the only way I'll pop the balloon of hope. Thanks again. I'm going to be honest & say, it's sinking in, I'm getting there, but I'm not quite there. I'm going to come back & read this post when I feel ready & really really do it, once & for all.
Author 26pointblue Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Thanks BB07. That's great advice for 26 ... and I needed to read it too. 26 I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say I SOOO know what you are going through. I so get it. :cool: I think that what we are supposed to be learning is the ability to make healthy choices about what men we choose. It's tough stuff girl. I'm right beside you on this arduous journey. I don't know about you, but I feel like an undisciplined athlete. LIke you feel good when you are doing the hard training - strictly sticking to no-contact, keeping yourself busy, actively planning a future without that man in it ... but it's like your holding your breath and you have to exhale ... exhale, relax, allow contact, allow yourself to re-contemplate that fantasy you made in your head - because it's easier than the hard work of getting healthy and making new choices. Its hard - but you are doing really well ... Yeah, I do think it was an unhealthy relationship & I have an unhealthy attachment to him & he's an unhealthy person. I also think I have been unhealthy & have recently been trying so hard to get healthy & making great progress but now I backslid. Knowing all of this in my head, Idk why my heart still loves him & wants him. I guess there are some things that can't be understood. You're right that it's easier to keep the fantasy than doing hard work to make new choices. That is so very true. Thanks for the encouragement, I don't think I've been doing well at all recently but it's nice to hear that someone else thinks I have been. :-)
Author 26pointblue Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 I'm guessing this comes from a supportive "tough love" point of view, but I still don't think it's breaking NC if 26PB isn't responding. Yes- technically he has contact, but that's almost impossible to change without blocking him entirely, which would likely mean changing email and home addresses and phone numbers. 26PB, I do agree with everyone else that you need to refuse to respond, at least for a while. I'm so impressed with your strength and resolve, and I know how hard this must be right now, especially when this dumb**s keeps reaching out. I wouldn't even make any statements right now about whether or not you'll ever talk again. I would just leave it where it is, and if something changes down the road, deal with it then...but until then, assume it's as over as it was the day you started NC. (((((Hugs))))) Thank you for the advice. I particularly like the last part.
fooled once Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Look, I don't know it all, but I know this: If a man loves you, he will move heaven and earth to be with you. He will not risk anyone else stealing you away. He will provide, protect and profess his feeling for you, and all of it will be followed up by his decisive actions. He will move out, divorce, and start introducing you to his family and all his friends. He will be proud to be seen with you. He will live to make you happy, change FOR YOU. He will hate to inadvertantly hurt you. Maybe other men will weigh in here and support me on this: I hope so. If a man is self-protecting, or weighing all his options, or flip-flopping around, or dangling a carrot here or there....I just do not know if there is anything I can say to make this any easier for you. Let's say all of the above happens....would you respect this man? After initially "winning" him, would you, in your heart, respect him? Good post Spark Also 26, in Outlook, you can set it so messages from a certain person goes to the trash or junk folder. Just set up a rule. I don't think you are ready, but how I wish you were. You don't have to give excuses for continuing to read his emails (at work) or answer his calls (at work). If you have caller ID at work, use it. Let it go to VM and then delete without listening. You do NOT have to completely change everything; there are other ways around it. But you have to want it; and I just don't think you are there yet. You are still clinging to hope even the tiniest shred of it (like his announcement that he is leaving May 15 ) Best of luck to you and I hope by the end of May, you are more at peace and hopefully DONE with him
Carrot2000 Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 26, the ending of this relationship is pretty recent and in addition to grieving the loss of MM, you're also feeling the loss of the future you thought you'd have with him. It's going to take some time for you to move past this; there's no off switch, so feel whatever it is you need to feel so you can heal. No one is judging you for still loving this man, so don't be hard on yourself because you feel torn. You deserve a good life--a happy life--and you deserve to be loved 24-7/365 by a man who adores you and only you. You know what you want, but he is either unwilling or unable to give it to you. Reading your post reminded me of a story about what happens in life when we settle for anything less than what we want, and you know what MM is offering you is less than you want. Keep this in mind as you move forward in your NC. http://lorisays.wordpress.com/2010/08/02/the-story-of-funkdog/
Author 26pointblue Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 Thank you FooledOnce & Carrot for being kind & gentle with me because I've been a mess lately & it helps to just be accepted for what I'm currently feeling. :-) [i'm not trying to imply that no one else has been kind or accepting - everyone's posts have been very helpful. It was just nice to log on & see two very sweet posts this morning. :-)] I'm trying to be proud of myself for being honest with myself that I'm not over this, & for not forcing myself to feel a certain way when I don't. I'm balancing that against wanting to feel a certain way & wanting to be ready to be done with this once & for all. I feel disappointed in myself because just a couple weeks ago I was feeling so strong & independent & now I'm back to being sad & lonely missing him. But I do think that that period has helped me- I am running regularly, have reconnected with old friends, am moving to a new place, & am trying to rebuild my life without him. I know that to really do that I have to actually move on from him. I guess I'm just in a middle place right now, of continuing to move on but still feeling a tug in his direction. Carrot I really liked the story about the dog. I do feel like I have let my expectations be lowered so much that at the end I was willing to settle for anything. It's funny because during the affair while his wife wasn't fed up & hadn't re-re-re-re[?]-found out about us, I was very happy & I knew why I was doing it. But after that when everything went haywire I was not happy & didn't know what I was doing or why but I just didn't want to let him go. And now I'm happy with certain aspects of my life, which is good, & I don't want to settle for being a hidden OW & helping him deceive his wife anymore, but I do still hang on to the messages & the hope of a better future with him. [Why, when he can do it to me & still isn't giving me what I deserve? I don't know!] The funny thing is that I know that I can give myself a good life, & eventually meet someone else, that I don't need him, yet I still don't let go. Thanks again for the support, I really need it.
Author 26pointblue Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 I've been thinking that whenever I have gone NC with him in the past, it was always out of an angry or sad reaction to whatever he was doing at that time. And part of me was doing it to get some control over the situation & take back my power so to speak. I guess deep down I wanted to knock some sense into his head & have him come back to me, which he always did or tried to do. It's almost like it was a weird push & pull power game between us but I never really 'won' because I never got what I really wanted from him & I'm beginning to see I never really would no matter what happened. I think he is incapable of telling the truth. He is incapable of loving me enough to put my interests & happiness ahead of his own. I am starting to realize that I need to make this decision on my own independently of anything he does or doesn't do. I'm looking back at the ways he has disappointed me & let me down & I'm thinking, do I want someone who is capable of doing this to me? Don't I deserve more? This is exactly what I was thinking before I first cut things off with him the first time but it was because I wanted him to give me more & kept hoping things would change. I guess I was still thinking that until just now but now I realize that I can't change him, that if he hasn't changed by now, he's probably not going to, & even if he somehow does, how can I forget about everything else? His lies & his making me his very last priority for so long? Every time I think that I remember a good memory & how he treated me well sometimes & what I loved about him & it messes with my head!! I need to remember that those times were rare compared to his overall dragging everything out & only doing what was in his best interests instead of mine. I have to remember that I deserve more & that I will find someone who will give me the good times & feelings of love without the horrible times & feelings of being devalued & overlooked & put in last place or even worse lied to. And I somehow have to tell myself that those good times were good but they are in the past & I need to move on, just like if he were a regular guy who had broken up with me, because that is pretty much how this situation is. Yes he would like me to hang around waiting for him forever & he would never break up with me per se but he will not do [he has not done] what I need fast enough & that's all that should matter. I'm realizing that I need to just sit down & process things once & for all & realize it is over, for good, even if he shows up tomorrow with all his stuff. [The funny thing is that I just cracked myself up after I wrote that because I realized that if he did show up tomorrow with all his stuff I would be skeptical & think his wife threw him out so he came to me & soon he will run back to her. I know that is no way to have a relationship- that too much damage has been done & I would forever question if he was really telling me the truth & if he had really chosen me or just been forced to come to me out of default. I could feel that he loved me but not enough to really do anything about it, & he let fear & excuses hold him back. I don't want a love like that & I would be forever looking back at that time & having resentment. On the other hand I feel I'm a forgiving person & that if he really did come to me, I could re-evaluate my position, but I have to stop living my life in the hopes that he will come back or even wondering if we will work out, I have to stop living it thinking about him at all. I have to just focus on me & on what I know I deserve.] I guess I posted all of this to say, I'm not quite there but I feel I made big progress today with this realization & I feel I'm getting close. It helps me to realize that this has to be my decision & has nothing to do with what he's doing & that I really do have control over whether or not to get over him. I know I will still have feelings to grieve & process & that it won't be easy, but I think the hardest part is just letting go & just realizing that I am the only one with the power to do that & make it stick. I want to thank everyone for the help, especially BB07's post about sending the one last text & then really being done with him for good, & Carrot's post with the link to the story about the dog being pet with the stick [i'm a huge animal lover & boy did that story hit me].
fooled once Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Thank you FooledOnce & Carrot for being kind & gentle with me because I've been a mess lately & it helps to just be accepted for what I'm currently feeling. :-) [i'm not trying to imply that no one else has been kind or accepting - everyone's posts have been very helpful. It was just nice to log on & see two very sweet posts this morning. :-)] I'm trying to be proud of myself for being honest with myself that I'm not over this, & for not forcing myself to feel a certain way when I don't. I'm balancing that against wanting to feel a certain way & wanting to be ready to be done with this once & for all. I feel disappointed in myself because just a couple weeks ago I was feeling so strong & independent & now I'm back to being sad & lonely missing him. But I do think that that period has helped me- I am running regularly, have reconnected with old friends, am moving to a new place, & am trying to rebuild my life without him. I know that to really do that I have to actually move on from him. I guess I'm just in a middle place right now, of continuing to move on but still feeling a tug in his direction. Carrot I really liked the story about the dog. I do feel like I have let my expectations be lowered so much that at the end I was willing to settle for anything. It's funny because during the affair while his wife wasn't fed up & hadn't re-re-re-re[?]-found out about us, I was very happy & I knew why I was doing it. But after that when everything went haywire I was not happy & didn't know what I was doing or why but I just didn't want to let him go. And now I'm happy with certain aspects of my life, which is good, & I don't want to settle for being a hidden OW & helping him deceive his wife anymore, but I do still hang on to the messages & the hope of a better future with him. [Why, when he can do it to me & still isn't giving me what I deserve? I don't know!] The funny thing is that I know that I can give myself a good life, & eventually meet someone else, that I don't need him, yet I still don't let go. Thanks again for the support, I really need it. Don't beat yourself up. I just worry so much that if he did show up tomorrow, you would open your door and heart again to him; and again I feel you would be let down yet again. he can't go from her to you; it isn't fair to either of you because he needs a ton of work on HIMSELF and he can't love anyone 'wholy' until he fixes himself. Please keep working on you; and realize damnit, you deserve way more than you are letting yourself look towards. Stop settling for just anybody. Never settle and never let anyone hold you down or hold you back. You are young and you have so much LIFE in front of you; stop settling. Go for the gold
Fight4Me Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I don't know if you've really gone over your own words in this thread to be struck by them, but I have and maybe highlighting what I see as glaring (although maybe subconscious to you) evidence of your dislike for this guy, it might help you further resist his attempts at contact. This person could be single, and I'd still be able to confidently say this would be a relationship you'd come to regret no matter what. Let me dissect some examples for you that may help: I find myself wondering what's what anymore... I never know if he is exaggerating...right now I'm trying to figure out if I even want him if he does go through with all of this.I feel like I've become stronger without him & I don't want to go back to being weak.it's felt good to not have him in my lifeI worry that I can't trust him... I look back & question everything.I start to wonder if he's even capable of telling the truth. I question everything he ever said to me & everything he says in his vms & emails. It's a terrible feeling to have...I've also realized how little I know about his whole life...I feel bad writing this about him because I love him but I think I've been starting to see that he is just a mess & I can't clean him upBy the way, I'd hazard a guess that what you REALLY love is the idea of the person you have built up to be him, especially given how little you truly know about him, and what you do know is very unattractive. I keep thinking I don't want to be in his wife's shoes, & if we really worked out then maybe I would be one day.I'm beginning to wonder how I could still want to be with him when I know how much he's lied to me & gone back & forth.I really feel that I deserve better...These are just such weird dark-like thoughts swirling around in my head. I can't say I've ever thought them like this about him.There are more in other posts, but this is a good set of examples you can refer back to. I think the more you realize how little you are really into him, the easier it will be to let go and give yourself permission to heal. The last part is key because I also read a lot of guilt into your words, like you almost feel obligated to him somehow. I think that's the part that worries me the most for you, especially knowing there is true TRUE love out there with your name on it. Not only CAN you do better, but you WILL do better once you free yourself. This, I guarantee. (((hugs)))
Author 26pointblue Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 Don't beat yourself up. I just worry so much that if he did show up tomorrow, you would open your door and heart again to him; and again I feel you would be let down yet again. You are right. At this point I know that I would because I still have hope. But believe it or not I am really really close to killing it. I mean, I feel almost ready. he can't go from her to you; it isn't fair to either of you because he needs a ton of work on HIMSELF and he can't love anyone 'wholy' until he fixes himself. That's true. I really feel he is incapable of loving either of us the right way. Please keep working on you; and realize damnit, you deserve way more than you are letting yourself look towards. Stop settling for just anybody. Never settle and never let anyone hold you down or hold you back. You are young and you have so much LIFE in front of you; stop settling. Go for the gold Thank you. I guess I was/am settling. It's strange because in many ways he seems powerful & successful & like a good 'catch' [yes I know he's already married & not mine to catch, I just mean based on the image of him, I would not be settling, but based on who he really is & how he treats me, yes, I am.] He is really tied up in his image & it's almost like there are two of him - the person he wants everyone else to see & the person who he really is. But the funny thing was, I think part of my attraction to him was that I was intrigued because I could tell he had this double personality thing going on. I could tell he wasn't totally who he portrayed himself to be & I think I kind of felt bad for him or wanted to understand him or help him or something. I think one thing that drew me to him is that he could open up & be himself with me; when it was just us, he could relax & let go & not worry about what people think. But that sure didn't get me very far since he wanted to keep portraying himself as one way & being with me in secret. If anything I only helped him keep up or even increase that double personality. :-/ But anyway yes, I was settling by accepting less than I deserved & by being with someone who couldn't fully be with me. It's like I gave him everything & he gave me pieces. I see that now. Thank you for the compliment; I don't feel young at all & worry that I will never find a good single guy.
Author 26pointblue Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 I don't know if you've really gone over your own words in this thread to be struck by them, but I have and maybe highlighting what I see as glaring (although maybe subconscious to you) evidence of your dislike for this guy, it might help you further resist his attempts at contact. This person could be single, and I'd still be able to confidently say this would be a relationship you'd come to regret no matter what. Let me dissect some examples for you that may help: By the way, I'd hazard a guess that what you REALLY love is the idea of the person you have built up to be him, especially given how little you truly know about him, and what you do know is very unattractive. There are more in other posts, but this is a good set of examples you can refer back to. I think the more you realize how little you are really into him, the easier it will be to let go and give yourself permission to heal. The last part is key because I also read a lot of guilt into your words, like you almost feel obligated to him somehow. I think that's the part that worries me the most for you, especially knowing there is true TRUE love out there with your name on it. Not only CAN you do better, but you WILL do better once you free yourself. This, I guarantee. (((hugs))) Wow, that was very helpful to see my own words like that, thank you. I didn't realize how all of that added up. But seeing that, & your comments, made me realize something weird. When I first met him & got to know him before the affair, I didn't like him! Or I guess you could say I had this weird love/hate relationship with the idea of him, like, certain things about him drove me crazy & intrigued me at the same time. Maybe I had a sick fascination with trying to understand him because he's so complicated. In the end, I guess I acheived my goal because I do understand him & he's not that complicated: he is just empty & looking for someone else to fill him up. I don't want to be too negative about him [although I realize that everything you quoted me as saying about him/us before is very negative! Oops], so I will just say that he is a very selfish person, like an emotional vampire or something. And I don't know why I let him suck me dry. I don't know why I feel obligated to him, & you're right, I do! I think I've hit the anger stage because I look back at things he did to me & I feel so mad. But a lot of that anger is at myself because I know I let him do it to me. I knew he was a liar & selfish & yet I kept going back & am still not totally ready to let go . . . so what does that say about me. But I am trying to accept that that's what happened & that's where I was but now I'm moving on, & not be mad at myself. Thanks for the help. It's jarring to see my own words like that.
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