A voicemail

[26pointblue]

[Disclaimer: This somehow got really long. Sorry about that.]

 

I have been doing so well & being strong & independent. But I'm beginning to wonder if this drama w/ xMM will ever be over. He has constantly contacted me since I went NC [& since his wife called me] & I haven't contacted him back but at the same time I haven't gone to the lengths I could go to get him to stop [such as telling his wife every time he contacts me or telling him to leave me alone or I will tell his wife everything, which I didn't do when she called me -- I mainly listened & confirmed some things & gave her my side of things & I didn't lie but I didn't say much that would get him into trouble- in fact I told her I wouldn't do that & I just purposefully didn't answer some questions, which I guess she could take as confirmation but I didn't want to lie to her & I didn't want to rat him out.]

 

I know he knows that I listen to what he says [that he loves me & wants to be with me & will do what it takes but just needs some time, etc.] because I don't write him back or tell him to stop contacting me etc. I've wondered why I do this & I guess I haven't totally let go; I still hang on to some hope that he's actually going to carry through with this & I know it does take time so I'm just trying to focus on my life & let him focus on his but I'm a bit curious as to what's going on [although I do know he is only telling me certain things/ one side & that he could be lying about even that].

 

Well he just left me a vm saying he wanted to let me know that he is moving out on the 15th & taking over a lease his friend who is moving out of town is leaving behind. This is kind of a side track, but not really I guess . . . ironically this 'friend' was someone I was worried about the first time we were half on, half off. He told me she liked him & wanted to be with him once she found out he was separated [the first time, when we were breaking up but still talking] & that she kissed him but he stopped it there & didn't want to be with her. I find myself wondering what's what anymore- he likes to tell me how girls throw themselves at him & when I've asked why he says because he wants me to want him [well, I already wanted him so I don't really understand that reasoning]. I never know if he is exaggerating & really it's that he is making moves on them & then telling me they like him, or if he really thinks that telling me how girls like him is going to make me want him more, or what. So anyway apparently this woman is moving away & he is moving into her place & taking over the lease.

 

I don't know if he is really going to do this or what it means but right now I'm trying to figure out if I even want him if he does go through with all of this. I know from prior times that moving out is just a step, & just a way to see how he feels once he gets that far [which I do understand to a point] & doesn't mean he will file for divorce or not go back home [although in the past, this is exactly where we were- him saying he's ready to take that step & me being afraid about being hurt & him changing his mind or maybe afraid that he would do the same thing to me, or something, & me backing away & him going back home. But this time I totally backed off & now he is doing it. So Idk what if any difference that makes. I do feel like he is trying to figure things out without me in the picture but without totally giving me up.] I feel like I've become stronger without him & I don't want to go back to being weak. In fact it doesn't sound like he wants that either; his vm said he is doing this for himself, to figure out if he can really get divorced & to make up his own mind in that regard on his own [which I think is good], but that he loves me & wants to let me know the status.

 

My head is spinning. I know it's my choice to be patient & wait & see what happens [which is pretty much what I've been doing although it's felt good to not have him in my life & I keep telling myself I need to move on for good, but then I keep wondering if we can really be together or not], or to cut him out of my life for good so that I can really move on. I know that if he does end up getting divorced it is going to take a really long time. If he is even moving out I don't know if it's his idea or his wife's . . . I don't know how successful he's been at hiding his calls & emails to me when she has obviously been on high alert. I guess I don't know much of anything but I'm trying to decide if I should keep a glimmer of hope for this relationship or just leave it in my past.

 

I worry that I can't trust him. I had never really had that fear before, at least not consciously or enough to dwell on, but so many things have happened & got so confusing that now with some time & space I look back & question everything. I know he lied to me, & his wife, a lot, & I start to wonder if he's even capable of telling the truth. I question everything he ever said to me & everything he says in his vms & emails. It's a terrible feeling to have when I love him, & yeah, I can pre-empt some anticipated comments here & say now I know what his wife has felt like, yes. I've also realized how little I know about his whole life even though at one point we were together every single day, all the time & I felt we shared our deepest secrets & thoughts with each other. Like this girl who is supposedly moving away & that whole set of friends . . . I could never hang out with them so I have no idea what they're like or what he's like when he's with them. I have hung out with another set of friends with him & so it's like we had our own group of friends but he had some that didn't know about me & I had some that didn't know about him, & what kind of a relationship is that really? Just a half one. There is so much I don't know about him & yet he wanted me to assure him I will love him & be with him forever before he could leave . . . & even when I did that, he still couldn't leave, so, wtf. It's so confusing.

 

I really think he is unhappy with himself & so he can't be happy in any relationship, & even though he in the past has looked to me to 'save' him that hasn't worked either. Ideally I would like for him to get happy & healthy on his own but Idk if that's even possible or how long it would take. I feel bad writing this about him because I love him but I think I've been starting to see that he is just a mess & I can't clean him up & I don't know how long I would have to wait for him to clean himself up. [i too have been a mess & have been cleaning myself up & feel I have a long way to go. So I'm not trying to throw stones at him. I have been in the same boat & I'm trying to climb out of it but I guess I wish we could climb out together but Idk if that's possible.] I keep thinking I don't want to be in his wife's shoes, & if we really worked out then maybe I would be one day. I thought we were different but I guess she did too. I used to wonder how she could be with him when she knew he was cheating on her & now I'm beginning to wonder how I could still want to be with him when I know how much he's lied to me & gone back & forth. I really feel that I deserve better but I have this probably naive thought that he could give me more & be what I deserve.

 

These are just such weird dark-like thoughts swirling around in my head. I can't say I've ever thought them like this about him. Even when I wasn't sure if we'd work out I always thought that if we did work out, we'd work out well & both be happy. Now, I'm not so sure. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. I know I'm all over the place but just wanted to post this 'update' & share some thoughts.

[BB07]

Hey 26point.......I have a suggestion.

 

You are still very much into the drama surrounding all of it and I think it takes a few months after it ceases to clear your head and look at things more evenly and without emotions and worries ruling your thoughts.

 

My suggestion is to truly go NC for six months and get your head clear and agree to talk with him again after that time and then both of you can see where you are. 6 months isn't that long and I do think it will give you a lot of clarity.

 

You've been through a lot of trauma with him and it messes up your head and screws up your thinking.

[26pointblue]

Hey 26point.......I have a suggestion.

 

You are still very much into the drama surrounding all of it and I think it takes a few months after it ceases to clear your head and look at things more evenly and without emotions and worries ruling your thoughts.

 

My suggestion is to truly go NC for six months and get your head clear and agree to talk with him again after that time and then both of you can see where you are. 6 months isn't that long and I do think it will give you a lot of clarity.

 

You've been through a lot of trauma with him and it messes up your head and screws up your thinking.

 

You know what BB07, my first thought to your suggestion was that I want to be one way or the other with him by six months' time. As in, I want to know that we are on the path to really being together or I want to have moved on from him & forward in my own life as single or maybe dating someone new etc. But then I realized that's a silly thought because I've been letting it drag out for a long time now & what makes me think anything would be different in 6 months if I keep going like this? Things are different in that he's not actively involved in my life but my heart is still very much with him & I still have hope for us so what is really different except that we don't have those good [& some bad] times together. I feel so stuck.

 

I don't even know how that would work because to tell him I don't want to hear from him for 6 months would be to break NC on my end & have a conversation with him. I would like to tell him good luck & I love him but need to not hear from him for a certain amount of time [honestly 6 months feels like forever but I feel I could start with 3 months?] & that we will re-convene then to see where both of us are at. But I know that would open up a new can of worms with him being happy I'm talking to him & trying to convince me we should stay together over those months & to be patient etc. I think he will think that if don't have him in my life in any way whatsoever for 3 or 6 months or whatever then I will really move on. And I think he may be right . . . although he was totally out of my life for about 2 months at one point & I thought I was moving on but apparently not . . . one contact from him & I caved & was so happy to hear from him because I had missed him & loved him [even though I was the one who broke us off].

 

I know I don't have what I want right now & so I'm beginning to think I should just really leave it in the past because I'm tired of waiting & seeing. Patience has never been one of my virtues & although in a weird way I think this has taught me some patience & some unselfish love [in terms of trying to think about where he's coming from & what's best for him over what I want right now], I'm kind of at a point where I feel like, I've given enough, I've waited enough, & I'm ready to move on with my own life & be done with this for good.

 

But I know what you mean about my head being all swirled & having all these different confusing thoughts, because I haven't been away from it long enough. I do get that.

[Rose1977]

26 I agree 100% with what BB above me said - and also, about the other girl he was talking about - he's doing it to make you jealous because you are following thru on the NC. I know you are a smart woman, and in a normal R, partners don't feel a need to tell each other how many other people want them and find them attractive. He's hoping you will get jealous and come back. If your love is that strong, it will survive NC for a little while until you both get your heads together and he gets everything sorted out. If he jumps in bed and into a R with the next thing that comes along, he is showing you how insecure he is IMO.

[26pointblue]

26 I agree 100% with what BB above me said - and also, about the other girl he was talking about - he's doing it to make you jealous because you are following thru on the NC. I know you are a smart woman, and in a normal R, partners don't feel a need to tell each other how many other people want them and find them attractive. He's hoping you will get jealous and come back. If your love is that strong, it will survive NC for a little while until you both get your heads together and he gets everything sorted out. If he jumps in bed and into a R with the next thing that comes along, he is showing you how insecure he is IMO.

 

Exactly. It really annoys me when he tells me about girls throwing themselves at him & liking him [this is not just when we're NC but any time I'm having doubts or trying to gain perspective . . . I think it's his weird way of trying to keep me or pull me back to him, but it backfires because I hate it]. I had told him I hated it & he kept doing it anyway [not recently- while we were still talking. But now he mentioned the girl who is moving away & I can't help but tie it to the time we were breaking up & he kept telling me about her & what was going on with them etc.]

[jwi71]

Didn't take much to suck you back in.

 

Well, good luck...I'm sure this time around it'll be different.

 

And PLEASE stop saying you are NC - you aren't. You are in "Listen to his vm's and hope for email but not respond when does" mode. Seriously...WHY? Why would you listen and NOT respond...this is sounding like some big prepubescent game...

 

Look, just jump back into this 100%, at least then you get "the good" along with all the lies, drama, worry, head-spinning and drama.

[daisy love]

26, this is GREAT NEWS!! He's moving out!! That's a great big step! Don't you dare worry about the jealousy thing. He's trying to make you jealous because he loves you and doesn't want to lose you!! Have you ever tried to make a man you didn't care about jealous?? Nooooo! So turn it around on him! Let him know that he is not the only fish in the sea and that you might just be fishing for something else!!

[bentnotbroken]

26, this is GREAT NEWS!! He's moving out!! That's a great big step! Don't you dare worry about the jealousy thing. He's trying to make you jealous because he loves you and doesn't want to lose you!! Have you ever tried to make a man you didn't care about jealous?? Nooooo! So turn it around on him! Let him know that he is not the only fish in the sea and that you might just be fishing for something else!!

 

 

This is so high school and drama isn't a great way to live life....unless you looking for an early exit.

[26pointblue]

Didn't take much to suck you back in.

 

Well, good luck...I'm sure this time around it'll be different.

 

And PLEASE stop saying you are NC - you aren't. You are in "Listen to his vm's and hope for email but not respond when does" mode. Seriously...WHY? Why would you listen and NOT respond...this is sounding like some big prepubescent game...

 

Look, just jump back into this 100%, at least then you get "the good" along with all the lies, drama, worry, head-spinning and drama.

 

I meant NC on my end as in not talking to him or responding to him. I fully admit to listening to what he has to say without responding.

 

I don't think 'the good' makes up for the rest of it anymore or I would jump back in. That all ended when his wife got fed up, which I knew it would. I'm tired of things depending on what his wife does or doesn't do, & I just want him to make a decision on his own. Yeah I still have hope that he's going to do that & am curious to find out. [This is 'why' I listen & don't respond.] Doesn't mean I'm jumping back in. But thanks for the help if that's what you were intending to do. :-)

[26pointblue]

This is so high school and drama isn't a great way to live life....unless you looking for an early exit.

 

Agreed. The trying to make me jealous thing doesn't fly with me & is one thing that bothers/scares me if we were to be in a real relationship. If that's how he handles things I think it's pretty immature & I've told him this before to no avail so I'm not thinking he'll be able to change it.

[fooled once]

[Disclaimer: This somehow got really long. Sorry about that.]

 

I have been doing so well & being strong & independent. But I'm beginning to wonder if this drama w/ xMM will ever be over. He has constantly contacted me since I went NC [& since his wife called me] & I haven't contacted him back but at the same time I haven't gone to the lengths I could go to get him to stop [such as telling his wife every time he contacts me or telling him to leave me alone or I will tell his wife everything, which I didn't do when she called me -- I mainly listened & confirmed some things & gave her my side of things & I didn't lie but I didn't say much that would get him into trouble- in fact I told her I wouldn't do that & I just purposefully didn't answer some questions, which I guess she could take as confirmation but I didn't want to lie to her & I didn't want to rat him out.]

 

I know he knows that I listen to what he says [that he loves me & wants to be with me & will do what it takes but just needs some time, etc.] because I don't write him back or tell him to stop contacting me etc. I've wondered why I do this & I guess I haven't totally let go; I still hang on to some hope that he's actually going to carry through with this & I know it does take time so I'm just trying to focus on my life & let him focus on his but I'm a bit curious as to what's going on [although I do know he is only telling me certain things/ one side & that he could be lying about even that].

 

Well he just left me a vm saying he wanted to let me know that he is moving out on the 15th & taking over a lease his friend who is moving out of town is leaving behind. This is kind of a side track, but not really I guess . . . ironically this 'friend' was someone I was worried about the first time we were half on, half off. He told me she liked him & wanted to be with him once she found out he was separated [the first time, when we were breaking up but still talking] & that she kissed him but he stopped it there & didn't want to be with her. I find myself wondering what's what anymore- he likes to tell me how girls throw themselves at him & when I've asked why he says because he wants me to want him [well, I already wanted him so I don't really understand that reasoning]. I never know if he is exaggerating & really it's that he is making moves on them & then telling me they like him, or if he really thinks that telling me how girls like him is going to make me want him more, or what. So anyway apparently this woman is moving away & he is moving into her place & taking over the lease.

 

I don't know if he is really going to do this or what it means but right now I'm trying to figure out if I even want him if he does go through with all of this. I know from prior times that moving out is just a step, & just a way to see how he feels once he gets that far [which I do understand to a point] & doesn't mean he will file for divorce or not go back home [although in the past, this is exactly where we were- him saying he's ready to take that step & me being afraid about being hurt & him changing his mind or maybe afraid that he would do the same thing to me, or something, & me backing away & him going back home. But this time I totally backed off & now he is doing it. So Idk what if any difference that makes. I do feel like he is trying to figure things out without me in the picture but without totally giving me up.] I feel like I've become stronger without him & I don't want to go back to being weak. In fact it doesn't sound like he wants that either; his vm said he is doing this for himself, to figure out if he can really get divorced & to make up his own mind in that regard on his own [which I think is good], but that he loves me & wants to let me know the status.

 

My head is spinning. I know it's my choice to be patient & wait & see what happens [which is pretty much what I've been doing although it's felt good to not have him in my life & I keep telling myself I need to move on for good, but then I keep wondering if we can really be together or not], or to cut him out of my life for good so that I can really move on. I know that if he does end up getting divorced it is going to take a really long time. If he is even moving out I don't know if it's his idea or his wife's . . . I don't know how successful he's been at hiding his calls & emails to me when she has obviously been on high alert. I guess I don't know much of anything but I'm trying to decide if I should keep a glimmer of hope for this relationship or just leave it in my past.

 

I worry that I can't trust him. I had never really had that fear before, at least not consciously or enough to dwell on, but so many things have happened & got so confusing that now with some time & space I look back & question everything. I know he lied to me, & his wife, a lot, & I start to wonder if he's even capable of telling the truth. I question everything he ever said to me & everything he says in his vms & emails. It's a terrible feeling to have when I love him, & yeah, I can pre-empt some anticipated comments here & say now I know what his wife has felt like, yes. I've also realized how little I know about his whole life even though at one point we were together every single day, all the time & I felt we shared our deepest secrets & thoughts with each other. Like this girl who is supposedly moving away & that whole set of friends . . . I could never hang out with them so I have no idea what they're like or what he's like when he's with them. I have hung out with another set of friends with him & so it's like we had our own group of friends but he had some that didn't know about me & I had some that didn't know about him, & what kind of a relationship is that really? Just a half one. There is so much I don't know about him & yet he wanted me to assure him I will love him & be with him forever before he could leave . . . & even when I did that, he still couldn't leave, so, wtf. It's so confusing.

 

I really think he is unhappy with himself & so he can't be happy in any relationship, & even though he in the past has looked to me to 'save' him that hasn't worked either. Ideally I would like for him to get happy & healthy on his own but Idk if that's even possible or how long it would take. I feel bad writing this about him because I love him but I think I've been starting to see that he is just a mess & I can't clean him up & I don't know how long I would have to wait for him to clean himself up. [i too have been a mess & have been cleaning myself up & feel I have a long way to go. So I'm not trying to throw stones at him. I have been in the same boat & I'm trying to climb out of it but I guess I wish we could climb out together but Idk if that's possible.] I keep thinking I don't want to be in his wife's shoes, & if we really worked out then maybe I would be one day. I thought we were different but I guess she did too. I used to wonder how she could be with him when she knew he was cheating on her & now I'm beginning to wonder how I could still want to be with him when I know how much he's lied to me & gone back & forth. I really feel that I deserve better but I have this probably naive thought that he could give me more & be what I deserve.

 

These are just such weird dark-like thoughts swirling around in my head. I can't say I've ever thought them like this about him. Even when I wasn't sure if we'd work out I always thought that if we did work out, we'd work out well & both be happy. Now, I'm not so sure. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. I know I'm all over the place but just wanted to post this 'update' & share some thoughts.

 

Please don't wait for him. 26, you have been through so much and you really don't need his drama and his broken promises and his guilt and his running back to his wife.

 

Honey, block his number and his email.

 

He is NOT who you need. he is way too old for you, he has lied to you numerous times and it will be "years" before he is ever ready to be in any relationship.

 

Please, please please --- stop holding out hope for him.

[fooled once]

You know what BB07, my first thought to your suggestion was that I want to be one way or the other with him by six months' time. As in, I want to know that we are on the path to really being together or I want to have moved on from him & forward in my own life as single or maybe dating someone new etc. But then I realized that's a silly thought because I've been letting it drag out for a long time now & what makes me think anything would be different in 6 months if I keep going like this? Things are different in that he's not actively involved in my life but my heart is still very much with him & I still have hope for us so what is really different except that we don't have those good [& some bad] times together. I feel so stuck.

 

I don't even know how that would work because to tell him I don't want to hear from him for 6 months would be to break NC on my end & have a conversation with him. I would like to tell him good luck & I love him but need to not hear from him for a certain amount of time [honestly 6 months feels like forever but I feel I could start with 3 months?] & that we will re-convene then to see where both of us are at. But I know that would open up a new can of worms with him being happy I'm talking to him & trying to convince me we should stay together over those months & to be patient etc. I think he will think that if don't have him in my life in any way whatsoever for 3 or 6 months or whatever then I will really move on. And I think he may be right . . . although he was totally out of my life for about 2 months at one point & I thought I was moving on but apparently not . . . one contact from him & I caved & was so happy to hear from him because I had missed him & loved him [even though I was the one who broke us off].

 

I know I don't have what I want right now & so I'm beginning to think I should just really leave it in the past because I'm tired of waiting & seeing. Patience has never been one of my virtues & although in a weird way I think this has taught me some patience & some unselfish love [in terms of trying to think about where he's coming from & what's best for him over what I want right now], I'm kind of at a point where I feel like, I've given enough, I've waited enough, & I'm ready to move on with my own life & be done with this for good.

 

But I know what you mean about my head being all swirled & having all these different confusing thoughts, because I haven't been away from it long enough. I do get that.

 

Sweetie, you send him an email letting him know that you are moving on with your life and you wish him well. DO NOT tell him you love him; he knows this.

 

TELL him to NOT contact you, period. No timeline, no nothing. I know you really are hoping THIS time it will work; but it won't. He isn't ready. He is still too embroiled with his wife...EMOTIONALLY. I am not sure if he will ever be 'ready' to be with anyone but his wife.

 

And the whole jealousy thing is so disrespectful. What a punk. What a jerk. Way to try to MANIPULATE you.

[jwi71]

I meant NC on my end as in not talking to him or responding to him. I fully admit to listening to what he has to say without responding.

 

"NC on my end" DOESNT exist.

 

What the hell is "NC on my end" anyway? I mean, you don't reply but still go through the emotional upheaval? Patently stupid. Why?

 

WHY?!?!?

 

Why do YOU keep putting YOURSELF through this? Why do you CHOSE this?

 

Let me ask you this, what do YOU NEED TO HEAR FROM HIM to jump back into this?

 

Because that's what you are looking for...a reason to reengage him. ITs the ONLY reason I can think why you haven't taken steps to protect yourself from this bullshyte. So why bother, ring him up and go for it.

 

Or BLOCK him and truly go NC.

 

This middle of the road bull gets you squat - its the WORST of both worlds.

 

I don't think 'the good' makes up for the rest of it anymore or I would jump back in.

 

Then block him. Do it, now.

And when you say "No", why not?

What are you holding out for? The man who REFUSED to chose you?

OK....

 

 

That all ended when his wife got fed up, which I knew it would. I'm tired of things depending on what his wife does or doesn't do, & I just want him to make a decision on his own

.

 

He did chose. He choose to do nothing. He chose the status quo.

And like you said, when his W got tired, she choose for HIM.

YOU, my dear, are the "so I don't have to be lonely backup plan".

And thats clearly good enough for you.

 

Yeah I still have hope that he's going to do that & am curious to find out. [This is 'why' I listen & don't respond.]

 

Curious to what? What can HE tell you that you don't already know?

Did he file for D to be with you? No.

Did he choose to do nothing during this drama? Yes.

Did his W kick him out? Yes.

 

What pile of stinking crud excuse are you wanting to hear?

 

I swear I don't see why people continually expose themselves to people who continually who put them last. Because he NEVER chose you.

 

NOT attacking, just hoping to verbally slap some sense into you.

 

Either move forward to be with him now that his wife got sick of his lying and cheating....or BLOCK him.

 

This middle of the road do nothing (maintain status quo) just plain blows.

[whichwayisup]

Exactly. It really annoys me when he tells me about girls throwing themselves at him & liking him [this is not just when we're NC but any time I'm having doubts or trying to gain perspective . . . I think it's his weird way of trying to keep me or pull me back to him, but it backfires because I hate it]. I had told him I hated it & he kept doing it anyway [not recently- while we were still talking. But now he mentioned the girl who is moving away & I can't help but tie it to the time we were breaking up & he kept telling me about her & what was going on with them etc.]

He's playing an ego game...For himself. I don't think he's telling you on purpose to piss you off or try to make you jealous, it's more "look at me! I'm hot and all these chicks want me..." He's getting off on it.

 

Yet at the same time, it certainly doesn't help you when it comes to fully wantin to trust him at his word when he acts like a caveman. Hope this makes sense.

 

26, this is GREAT NEWS!! He's moving out!! That's a great big step! Don't you dare worry about the jealousy thing. He's trying to make you jealous because he loves you and doesn't want to lose you!! Have you ever tried to make a man you didn't care about jealous?? Nooooo! So turn it around on him! Let him know that he is not the only fish in the sea and that you might just be fishing for something else!!

 

Time will tell as to what is going on. It's easy for him to say all this stuff that "hasn't happened" yet. Let his actions show he can back up his words.

 

P26, don't get your hopes up quite yet and please, shield your heart.

 

I meant NC on my end as in not talking to him or responding to him. I fully admit to listening to what he has to say without responding.

 

I don't think 'the good' makes up for the rest of it anymore or I would jump back in. That all ended when his wife got fed up, which I knew it would. I'm tired of things depending on what his wife does or doesn't do, & I just want him to make a decision on his own. Yeah I still have hope that he's going to do that & am curious to find out. [This is 'why' I listen & don't respond.] Doesn't mean I'm jumping back in. But thanks for the help if that's what you were intending to do. :-)

 

I like this and it seems you have a good handle on things, reading but not replying. As long as your "hope" isn't getting more and more. Lke what I said earlier, let his actions back up his words.. Still, it's just words. Anything can happen, he could change his mind. Again!

 

Agreed. The trying to make me jealous thing doesn't fly with me & is one thing that bothers/scares me if we were to be in a real relationship. If that's how he handles things I think it's pretty immature & I've told him this before to no avail so I'm not thinking he'll be able to change it.

 

It IS immature and he's acting like a dork.

[26pointblue]

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

 

I've been thinking a lot. I do love him but what I really want is to be in a real relationship. Where we can be around all our friends, our family, where we can be together all the time. I don't care about the age difference. I do care that he's married. And I don't want to settle for anything less than what I want, which is everything a normal relationship should be.

 

I think I will just wait & see if he really moves out & if this time is any different. How long can he continue this back & forth, especially when I'm not playing the game? Yeah so I haven't blocked him, but I don't want to be with him this way & he knows it. To me that is progress [for me anyway] & I know I will keep progressing. I know why I am doing this but that doesn't mean I'm not listening or thankful for what everyone has to say. I just have never loved anyone like this & I'm in a lot of pain. But it's different than before. It's like, I know what I want & if he can give it to me, I do still want to try to make it work with him, but if he can't, I'll be fine on my own. I want all or nothing.

 

Again I thank everyone for being here for me. I know this is just an Internet forum but it helps me.

[26pointblue]

I think I want to be over him for good, I'm just not sure how to get there. I do love him but I keep thinking of how he lied to me. He told me he had not moved back home when he had. I knew it & kept trying to tell him to just tell me but he kept denying it. After that I knew it would be impossible to trust anything he told me. For one thing he has no problem lying to my face incessantly, & for another thing even if he was telling the truth I would doubt him because I know he is capable of lying. So what is there to wait & see about, what is there to save???

 

I trusted my gut & knew he had moved back & I ended up being right. Now I have to keep trusting my gut that he is wrong for me even though I love him. I need to stop loving him. I know I deserve better but I won't find it while I still love him. So I guess I don't know how to stop. I mean it really feels like it will never go away.

[BB07]

26point........I rethought my advice after reading the other responses and even though it was a little harsh I think JW and others made some excellent points.

 

You know this guy is not good for you and there is too much drama and it's not a healthy relationship at all but you feel so invested and it's hard to let go.

 

 

It's hard, it sucks and it's painful and I wish I could wave my magic wand and fix it for you. I'd send you a magic potion that would make you give up the last shred of hope because that is what keeps you hanging on. It's hard to let go......the reasonable sensible part of your brain, already knows you've got to, but the hope that some miracle might happen and it might work out keeps you hanging on even though it's only by a thread.

 

You've got to let it go......find the strength, even if its only one day at time. Let him go hon. No man is worth what this is costing you. Everyday you hang on costs you more.

Love yourself more......you are worth it. Hugs........

[26pointblue]

26point........I rethought my advice after reading the other responses and even though it was a little harsh I think JW and others made some excellent points.

 

You know this guy is not good for you and there is too much drama and it's not a healthy relationship at all but you feel so invested and it's hard to let go.

 

 

It's hard, it sucks and it's painful and I wish I could wave my magic wand and fix it for you. I'd send you a magic potion that would make you give up the last shred of hope because that is what keeps you hanging on. It's hard to let go......the reasonable sensible part of your brain, already knows you've got to, but the hope that some miracle might happen and it might work out keeps you hanging on even though it's only by a thread.

 

You've got to let it go......find the strength, even if its only one day at time. Let him go hon. No man is worth what this is costing you. Everyday you hang on costs you more.

Love yourself more......you are worth it. Hugs........

 

Thank you BB07. I know you're right & I just have to do it somehow. I have to figure out how to get there & what my magic wand is. Because I really need it. It hurts & I think I am mainly mad at myself for loving him & suffering through it for so long over & over again. I had that one period of being happy, when I first came to LS, but I knew it was going to be short-lived, & probably not worth it. I did have a feeling that we would work out but I guess that was just blind hope. I also told myself that if we didn't work out, I would move on knowing I gave it my best. I think the hard part is that because he keeps coming back [& yes I know I allow it & even welcome it], I keep having hope & it doesn't feel like it's truly over. I keep waiting for him or fate or something to make the decision & for me to know it is really over for good & it's time to move on. I guess only I can make that decision & know that it's that time. I guess it comes down to that.

 

I'm feeling ready. I had a break through just now. I was at an industry lunch where there was a guest speaker & all of that & there was this guy a couple tables across from me, we were facing each other because it was a round table event kind of thing, & he kept looking at me. I actually thought he was cute & my type even though I'm not sure what my type is. This is the first time since xMM that I have felt any kind of attraction like that. He had on a suit with a nice blue shirt & this stylish little beard that I liked - & I don't usually like facial hair ha ha - & he looked young, maybe even younger than me, ha ha, when obviously I usually like older guys. He looked very professional & like a nice guy. I had to leave early because I had come w/ my boss & she had a conference call to get back to the office for. When I stood up to leave he gave me puppy dog eyes. I have no idea who he is & I guess that's a good thing because I'm not ready to date anyone else but it made me feel really relieved that I could feel something for someone else.

 

I don't know, it's small but it's big. I think I am getting there but I just need to get over some kind of mental hump. I guess I need to tell myself it's over no matter what he says or does. That it's time to move on & forget about him if I can.

[Owl]

I tried posting a response to you earlier but I think it got eaten in the internet.

 

My suggestion is that you go ACTIVE NC.

 

Stop passively sitting there and watching him.

 

Actively BLOCK him from contacting you in any fashion.

 

Actively REMOVE him from your contact lists, IM/email/phone/etc...

 

Take steps to prevent incidental updates on his status/situation by friends/family/co-workers/the mailman.

 

I realize that you're "in NC"...but you'll find that there's a huge difference betweeen passively not responding to what you hear and actively REMOVING him from your life.

 

Trust me...take that step and you'll see what I mean. You'll feel like it's the first time you've taken control since the whole thing began.

[26pointblue]

I tried posting a response to you earlier but I think it got eaten in the internet.

 

My suggestion is that you go ACTIVE NC.

 

Stop passively sitting there and watching him.

 

Actively BLOCK him from contacting you in any fashion.

 

Actively REMOVE him from your contact lists, IM/email/phone/etc...

 

Take steps to prevent incidental updates on his status/situation by friends/family/co-workers/the mailman.

 

I realize that you're "in NC"...but you'll find that there's a huge difference betweeen passively not responding to what you hear and actively REMOVING him from your life.

 

Trust me...take that step and you'll see what I mean. You'll feel like it's the first time you've taken control since the whole thing began.

 

Thanks for re-posting this because I never got the first one . . . although I know you've given me similar advice in the past. ;-) I suppose I haven't taken it because I wasn't ready to give up all hope. I understand how I'm in the 'middle' as in, not wanting to contact him or be available to him if he isn't really getting divorced, but still wanting to know if he's getting divorced & not to completely give up on this. I guess I just have to push myself over to the side of being done completely & actively blocking him like you say.

 

A lot of the time he calls me at work & leaves me messages there. I can't exactly block him here at work so I'm not sure what to do about that. Nor do I know how to block him from my work email & our tech guy is pretty clueless & I also don't really want to tell him about this personal issue. Now usually he emails me on my personal email & I've found out that with gmail I can't 'block' him from emailing me but I can set up a filter that automatically puts his emails into the trash, & then I just have to delete the trash without looking at it. I'm pretty sure I can call my phone company & have them block his calls on my cell phone. So that will be some progress; I will have to figure out a way around the work thing or maybe just tell him to stop calling me at work [or anywhere] or I will tell his wife. I really don't want to have any more interactions with him or talk to him at all but maybe that is the only way to get him to stop calling.

 

Idk why I'm so weak. I guess I can hardly be upset with him for being weak when I myself am weak!!!

[26pointblue]

I don't understand how one part of my brain thinks I'm better off without him, & the other part of my brain really misses him & doesn't want to give up hope.

 

I keep telling myself he would just lie to me & use me & he isn't really capable of real love. So why do I still want him at all?? I can't wrap my head around it. This is such a bad day & so was yesterday.

[Owl]

But that "confusion" is exactly why you need to DO something to help yourself deal with all of this.

 

Make a choice...then take action.

 

You'll find that taking action reinforces the choice you made...you'll feel better for having done so.

 

I've never been an OM...I'm a former BH, but I'm not a "hater" by any means. I'm not suggesting this for any other reason than I think it's in your own best interests to take measures to control your own destiny.

 

I just know that it's usually better to be the Captain than to be a deckhand.

[Spark1111]

26pointblue, my heart is breaking for you right now.

 

You were sounding so angry and strong and taking action for you!

 

One little voicemail saying he had moved out is all it took to bring you back to square one.

 

That is not NC. That is let me see what happens. I won't contact him, BUT...... I will hope and wish and obsess over a future together, maybe.

 

And now, once again, a carrot has been dangled and your thoughts and words are spinning all over the place with...."what if...."

 

What if HE did not move out? What if she threw him out? What if he cannot man up to make his marriage work and she was just done, done, done with him?

 

What if he hates to be alone? Why, of all the places in the world he could be, did he move in with a woman who once had a crush on him?

 

Why make it a point to tell you that? Why isn't he alone figuring out his future?

 

What if, like so many caught MM, he wants to ensure you will stick around and be his "default" choice, if his wife is serious?

 

You are back to square one. WHY would you want to be anyone's default choice, their Plan B back-up?

 

Why would you want a man who did not initially choose you first?

 

26, what are you doing to yourself?

 

Do you see why NC means total NC?

[BB07]

What's the email program that you use at work 26 point?

 

I'm sure some of us will be glad to help you figure out a way to block him or auto delete.

 

We are on your side.........and you are hurting. I want you to stop the roller coaster of pain.

[26pointblue]

26pointblue, my heart is breaking for you right now.

 

You were sounding so angry and strong and taking action for you!

 

I know. :-(

 

One little voicemail saying he had moved out is all it took to bring you back to square one.

 

I know. :-(

 

That is not NC. That is let me see what happens. I won't contact him, BUT...... I will hope and wish and obsess over a future together, maybe.

 

I know. :-( Is it not possible to be in NC [even real NC where I guess I just delete his vms without listening to them or do something to prevent him from leaving them] & still have hope that it might work out? I guess what I'm asking is, does NC automatically equal giving up hope? Or can I still have some hope & be completely NC?

 

And now, once again, a carrot has been dangled and your thoughts and words are spinning all over the place with...."what if...."

 

Yes. My head is spinning so fast I'm surprised it hasn't fallen off.

 

What if HE did not move out? What if she threw him out? What if he cannot man up to make his marriage work and she was just done, done, done with him?

 

If he is telling the truth about moving out on May 15th I think it is because she is making him move out then. Or she is giving him an ultimatum, like decide to do this & this & this [which probably means not calling me & leaving me messages & emailing me!], & he is trying to decide whether he wants to/is able to meet those conditions or whether he wants to just agree to move out. That was the most frustrating thing about our 'relationship' by the end -- I always knew there was more to the story & he would spin it to make himself look favorable or make it look like things were his ideas or his actions when really they were hers or they weren't even happening, etc., & so I just started to doubt & distrust everything he said & paint possible other scenarios in my mind so I could feel like I had some semblance of a clue about what was going on.

 

The other alternative is that he is giving me a date in the future to see how I respond & then base his action or inaction off my response. He's done that before, kind of a 'I'll tell her I've done this or am doing this to test the waters, & then I'll decide if I really want to do it', such as moving out, & then he waffles, although he also blames it on me & says he went back because I couldn't handle it or I 'left' him, when really I saw that he had not made a decision & was unsure & I decided to end the misery [but then kept going back]. But anyway if I had to bet I would say it was her choice if it is even happening. He claimed to have told her he is moving out on that date but that she doesn't think he'll really do it. I'm pretty sure if I told her or wrote her about what he told me she would either say no such conversation had happened, or that it was the opposite way & she was kicking him out or making him decide by that date.

 

What if he hates to be alone? Why, of all the places in the world he could be, did he move in with a woman who once had a crush on him?

 

He does hate to be alone, that's for sure. I think that is his biggest fear in all of this [that & that I'll leave him & he will have left his family for nothing . . . which I guess is the same thing, but he really doesn't like to live alone].

 

He told me he is moving into this woman's place after she moves out -- he is taking over the lease after she moves out of town. But it seems strange to me that it is this woman & I just wonder about the circumstances & if that's even true. Yeah he could be moving in with her for all I know.

 

Why make it a point to tell you that? Why isn't he alone figuring out his future?

 

Exactly.

 

And because he's afraid to be alone.

 

What if, like so many caught MM, he wants to ensure you will stick around and be his "default" choice, if his wife is serious?

 

This could very well be true & was always my fear.

 

You are back to square one. WHY would you want to be anyone's default choice, their Plan B back-up?

 

Why would you want a man who did not initially choose you first?

 

26, what are you doing to yourself?

 

I don't know. :-( I know exactly what you're saying & I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I want to believe I am not his back-up choice, that he is actually deciding & will choose me. Or at least let me know he's chosen his marriage. I don't know why I'm waiting on him to give me my answers & my closures when I know he never does, is incapable of that, so I have to find them on my own.

 

Do you see why NC means total NC?

 

As to the last NC question please see my question above. I think I am just reluctant to cut out all hope of us from inside me. I know I have to do it but I just hate that idea. Thank you Spark for your comments, they are very helpful & I know what you're saying, I do.