tigressA Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 BF and I are strongly leaning toward joining the ranks of child-free couples. I've gone back and forth on the issue for years, sometimes thinking I want them, sometimes thinking I don't. He's more self-aware so I doubt he'll budge on not wanting children, but lately I've been feeling like I'm not cut out to be a mom (don't have the desire for it), so will likely decide to never be one. One thing BF wonders about is what our lifestyle would be like without ever having children, particularly socially. We both know that most if not all people in our respective social circles will be having their own children or have them already (especially his, coming from Indian culture, very family-centered). I think he worries a bit about deviating from "the norm" and wonders what exactly we would do in our decades of life together without any child(ren) to raise. I'd like to hear from anyone on this, but particularly from those who are child-free and/or knows someone who is. Why did you come to choose this lifestyle? What do you do with your time? Has there been significant backlash from family/friends due to your choice? Do you feel socially isolated?
Woggle Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 My wife and I are child free and most likely will remain so. We get the occasional comment asking when are we having kids but for the most part nobody makes a big deal. Parenthood is a huge commitment and it is better to decide it is not for you than do it and be a horrible parent.
Irishlove Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 For a long time up till 26 I didn't want children or said I didn't want them but secretly kinda did. I just didn't think I could get pg. When I realized I couldn't have children my heart started to break because I watched others. At that time I had been dating for four months and told my mother that I was going to adopt. Then I found out I was pg. Only a few weeks. I could not believe it. My life changed in the blink of an eye. Now that I have my children (three) I couldn't imagine life without. Yes it can get hectic. But it's really fun. They are hilarious. You love them more than you love yourself. They bring out the best in your. So from both sides I'm glad I got pg. I tried later to get pg and have several miscarriages so I think I was blessed because I could not have anymore. My world would be to alone.
Author tigressA Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 My wife and I are child free and most likely will remain so. We get the occasional comment asking when are we having kids but for the most part nobody makes a big deal. Parenthood is a huge commitment and it is better to decide it is not for you than do it and be a horrible parent. I agree, which is why I've decided on not doing it. I figure if there's ever a chance of regretting it later, I can always look into adoption or foster care or mentoring--there are so many kids already out there who don't have a home or proper role models to look up to who I could help. If I would choose to become a biological parent and then regret it, there's absolutely no way out. I've been reading a blog called Childfreedom (childfreedom.blogspot.com), and it's really helped cement my decision to not have kids. I don't see accounts from people who regret not having kids, but I see countless confessions from parents who long to walk away from it all. I haven't really told anyone I'm close to about my choice. None of my family know. I doubt they'll care much. None of BF's family know either. I wonder what his family will say, but I doubt they'll flip too much--his parents already have two grandkids from his older siblings, so it's not like there's any real pressure on him to give them any.
Cee Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I'm childfree by choice and somehow I have a lot of friends in the same boat. Maybe we chose each other because of our childless preference, but I don't know. We met in our mid-20s so it seems odd I'd have so many childless friends. It's not like we ever talked about it with each other. By the time we all hit 40, we realized we were kindred spirits. There are some people with children in my life. I see them 3 times a year and I don't feel jealous of their life. Nor do they envy mine. We respect each other's decision. It's the right decision for me although it's an unconventional choice. There are so many benefits to not having children including having the money and time to be helpful to others. I need to choose a beneficiary for my retirement money and I don't have one. My nephew has a disability and I've been thinking of donating money to his long term care. It's good to have the freedom to do that sort of thing - to help someone else's child. Currently, I'm in a relationship with a man who doesn't want children. He's young so sometimes I wonder if he'll change his mind and break up with me. That would be painful, but I simply cannot have children. It's not right for me.
Scottdmw Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I would imagine a board like “Childfreedom” would be heavily slanted towards one opinion. Here's an article that might give you some food for thought: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/10/fashion/10Studied.html?_r=2&src=recg It seems that when parents are young children make them less happy, but at older than age 40 children make them more happy, demonstrated by data over large populations. If that's true, all your friends may be telling you the truth, yet still missing the bigger picture that you could spend half your life being less happy than otherwise if you choose not to have children. I don't have children myself not having had the opportunity yet, but my take on the whole thing is that they are probably like many things in life such as careers, training for marathons, education, or whatever, that is, a lot of hard work and difficulty but worthwhile and in the end beneficial to a person's life. I always think it's funny in the US at least that everyone agrees that for example having a demanding career is a whole lot of pain and difficulty and requires great sacrifice, but this is looked upon as a logical and good sacrifice, whereas if people sacrifice for children that is not currently given the same level of social approval and encouragement. I think that children are the future of our society and therefore I think this attitude is a huge weakness of our country. Scott
Els Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I don't really think you need to make a direct 'yea' or 'nay' decision at this point. You both are hovering around the middle, so you're sorta on the same page for the most part, which is good. Just let things take their course and probably in due time things will develop to make both of you decide either way. I mean, why the sudden desire to make up your mind now? You have plenty of childbearing years left and you aren't planning to do anything drastic like a hysterectomy, are you?
Author tigressA Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 I pretty much have made up my mind to not have them. And no, I'm not thinking of permanently sterilizing myself at this point in life--no doctor would perform a procedure like that on someone at my age who's never had kids, no matter how adamant they are about not having them. I may as well wait until I'm in my 30s for that. I read the article you posted, Scott, and honestly it doesn't make me feel any different. I just don't really have the desire for children. I don't feel a calling to have them. Sure, I see a cute baby somewhere and it'll tug at my heart, but I realized recently it doesn't mean I want one of my own.
Art_Critic Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Did you want to have kids prior to this relationship ?
Author tigressA Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Did you want to have kids prior to this relationship ? Not really, no. I had shallowly gone back and forth for awhile on the subject, but deep down...I never felt a strong urge to reproduce, and I still don't. I always had doubts. I'm one of those people who believes that if you have doubts about having kids, just don't do it. Parenthood is not something to just try and see if you like.
Art_Critic Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 It's good to know where you stand on these things and don't feel bad if you don't want kids. To me it isn't a requirement to have a successful relationship/commitment with someone. Another question though.. If he had wanted children where do you think you would stand today ? and.. in your past relationships.. have you ever been at odds with your partner on the desire to have kids ?
Author tigressA Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Another question though.. If he had wanted children where do you think you would stand today ? and.. in your past relationships.. have you ever been at odds with your partner on the desire to have kids ? If he wanted kids--and really, he's still not totally decided, he could change his mind later and decide he wants them--I still would be on the stance I am now. He could either ultimately decide having kids isn't important for him, or we could break up. That's it. He knows that too, I told him straight-up. Throughout my past relationships, I was really undecided and vacillated a lot, much like the guys I was with. I was never at odds with them on this issue.
L0stOne Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I'm 23 & already getting pressured from family on when I'm gonna make my mom a grandmother
Art_Critic Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 If he wanted kids--and really, he's still not totally decided, he could change his mind later and decide he wants them--I still would be on the stance I am now. He could either ultimately decide having kids isn't important for him, or we could break up. That's it. He knows that too, I told him straight-up. Good for you.. at least you know what's in your own mind and wants/needs concerning children.
allina Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I think there is nothing wrong with deciding to be child free. Plus, it's nothing that has to be set in stone right now. Just be sure this is something you want, not something you've been pushed to "wanting" in your new relationship. I feel like 2 months in to a new relationship while in your early 20s isn't the best time to make major life decision.
Author tigressA Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 (edited) I think there is nothing wrong with deciding to be child free. Plus, it's nothing that has to be set in stone right now. Just be sure this is something you want, not something you've been pushed to "wanting" in your new relationship. I feel like 2 months in to a new relationship while in your early 20s isn't the best time to make major life decision. I've thought about it a lot--I've felt like I should, since I'm at the age when I'm much more likely to enter into serious relationships that could result in lifelong partnership/marriage, and I feel like this relationship is one that really could go in that direction. Mostly I've thought about it while alone, and have shared my thoughts with BF--we've had plenty of deep discussions about it. He's grilled me about my reasons, which worried me once as it came off like he does want kids, but he's just the type to always want to know "why". We're alike in that regard. Something that worries me just a tad is that he said he would have them, under certain circumstances that seem impossible--like ones that absolve him of the drudgery . He realizes these will never really come to pass, but I wonder if he would later say "screw the circumstances" and decide to have them anyway. The age difference factors into this a little for me--he's 30, I'm 24. I try to not wonder about that though, because it is still early. And I already know what would happen if that came to pass--I'd be gone. Period. Edited May 4, 2011 by tigressA
andy625uk Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I'd like to hear from anyone on this, but particularly from those who are child-free and/or knows someone who is. Why did you come to choose this lifestyle? What do you do with your time? Has there been significant backlash from family/friends due to your choice? Do you feel socially isolated? This is my first post on here. When I saw this thread, it persuaded me to join up! We've been married 14yrs and are child free. We got married when I was 29 and my wife was 33. Before we met, my wife had had a few problems with endomitriosis and was told that having children would be possible still, but difficult. By the time I met her, she was a "career girl", but said that even before the endomitriosis she knew that she didn't want children. She was the sort of girl that instead of cooing over a colleagues baby bought into the office for the first time, and wanting to hold it and smell it, she would hide out in the bathroom until all the fuss had passed. Anyway, when we met I didn't think I was grown-up enough to have kids. I'd recently split from a gf that definitely did want kids, and even had in mind an ideal age that she wanted to have them, and child names. I used to find it unnerving that she had it all planned from an early age, however now that I'm older (43) I can see where she was coming from. I know she now has children and I wonder what they turned out like. I knew all about my wifes feelings about having kids before we were married and was ok with that. After we'd been married a few years I started to think that if our contraception didn't work one time and she got pregnant that I wouldn't be too upset, but she obviously never did, and my wife never changed her mind on the subject. She says she thinks she's deprived me by not wanting to have kids, and I suppose in a way she has. However I'm not sufficiently bothered about it to want to do anything drastic like get a divorce or anything. I'd rather be with her without kids that with someone else with kids. In any case I think I'm too old now. Both our parents had children when they were in there early 40's and we both agree that 40's is a bit too old really. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have children. I'll never get to read a bedtime story, play catch, take them to school for the first time, help them with their homework, see them get married or have grandchildren. I wonder what things will be like when we're much older. We struggle when it comes to thinking about who to put in our wills etc. and we realise that when we're elderly there won't be any children to call when we need help (not that that's a good reason to have them). I also wonder what its like to see your wife physically progress through the different stages of pregnancy. At the moment we both work. My wife is self employed and doing reasonably well. After we got married, on the strength of two incomes, we were able to buy a 4-bed detached house in a nice area, and we have nice holidays. Our evenings and weekends are quiet. We watch what we want to watch on tv, play our music loud, and have lie-ins at the weekend. We both like reading, my wife is keen on crafting and card making, and I like messing around with cars. We also have a cat, which my wife jokingly calls her baby substitute. My wife's late mum once made a comment just after we married about us having children soon, but my parents never did. I feel bad for my parents though, as they only had me and my sister, my sister's never married and has no kids, so they don't have any grandchildren at all. You can't have children for other peoples sake though. The other thing that plays on my mind is that at the moment, my family name will end with me. As far as friends go, it seemed that as we passed the end of our 20's, most of the people we knew went on to have children and we gradually lost touch. We only know of one other childless couple. My sister-in-law is gay though, so as far as childless couples go, we have a lot in common with her gay friends. TigressA, I hope this is of some interest :-)
Els Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 That's great for you, T. I really don't think anyone should ever try to persuade someone who isn't keen on having children to do so; that's really just like pushing someone who isn't in love with a person to try, it's pointless and usually ends horribly. There's absolutely nothing wrong with not having kids. I currently am leaning towards not having them either. I just enjoy me too much to give so much of it up to another, and I don't think I could ever sign up to have myself tied down for 18 years. People are wrong about marriage, it isn't the ultimate commitment - parenthood is. When push comes to shove you can always divorce as a last resort, but you can and should never abandon your children.
Author tigressA Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Thanks Andy,that certainly was helpful. Welcome to LS! I find what you said about wanting to be with your wife without kids rather than someone else with kids very poignant. I wonder what it would come down to for my BF if he changed his mind. He knows he would lose me if he decides he wants them.
andy625uk Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Thanks Andy,that certainly was helpful. Welcome to LS! I find what you said about wanting to be with your wife without kids rather than someone else with kids very poignant. I wonder what it would come down to for my BF if he changed his mind. He knows he would lose me if he decides he wants them. I guess that's what you're going to have to figure out, and I'm not so sure anyone can really help you with that - its down to you and your BF work it out.
Cee Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Not having children is a non-traditional decision, but so many more people are making that choice. I have over a dozen friends near 40 without children. I live in a big city so it's more common to not have children I think. Also, people without children become less visible on the social scene. So when I go out, it's mostly with people without children.
O'Malley Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Happily childless as well; it wasn't a decision I had to make as it was a realization about what I wanted in my adulthood when I was quite young. I did make most of the major life decisions before I became seriously involved with any partner -- possibly that is selfish, but I feel it helped me to choose partners who shared the same values that I did. Definitely agree with Cee that societal expectations have changed; becoming a parent is seen as more of a lifestyle choice than obligatory or normal. I've become acquainted with more childless people than in years previous; I have friends who do have children, but it takes far more effort to schedule time to spend with each other. The worst thing is to compromise personal feelings for/against parenthood in an attempt to preserve a relationship; it's an unfortunate dynamic, especially for any child brought into that situation.
andy625uk Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I've become acquainted with more childless people than in years previous; I have friends who do have children, but it takes far more effort to schedule time to spend with each other. It must be different where you are because here we def feel like the odd ones out most of the time.
O'Malley Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 It must be different where you are because here we def feel like the odd ones out most of the time. I think location plays a role, as I grew up in a rural, more conservative area, and most of the people I keep in touch with there do have children. I'm one of the very few from my school days who never married or had children. Since I've moved closer to a metropolitan area, I've met more women who don't have children. Also agree with Cee that it's more likely I'm socializing with people without kids or whose children are grown up. It does seem that more women (in the U.S.) are not having children or delaying having them than even 10-20 years ago, but yes, people with kids are always going to be more the norm.
allina Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 T, I checked out that childfreedom blog and all I could think was "trying too hard!" Sort of a "the lady doth protest too much, methinks" situation. I fully believe that people can have happy and fulfilling lives without children, but there is something about the tone of that blog that seems so bitter and angry.
Recommended Posts