Audacia Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 This is for BS who stayed after the A was exposed. Mainly for those who's S wanted/wants to make it work. How long did it take for the anger to abate? The out-of-nowhere-impulse-to-punch-him/her-in-the-face anger?
silktricks Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 :lmao: I know it's not nice to laugh, as you are undoubtedly in a tremendous amount of pain, but honestly I really enjoyed your question. It's so refreshing to hear someone post in a manner I can so totally relate to. (except I was more in mind of a baseball bat... ) So, it diminished as the pain diminished. All in all - for me - I was over the worst of the anger after about 2 years (and the baseball bat thoughts). However, it took another 2 years before I can say that I was "healed", and even after that for probably another year I'd have moments of pain and anger, but they were no longer immobilizing and I could think my way through. All in all, I'd say it took me between 4 and 5 years to completely recover emotionally and mentally. Sucks, but our relationship is really great now and I'm very happy I made the choice to work things out rather than leave him.
Owl Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 It took a good while before I got to the "angry" stage of working through all of that. And that anger phase lasted a good while, but there was never a desire to get physically angry with my wife...OM now would have been another matter. It typically takes 2-5 years to recover a marriage from infidelity...assuming both parties truly put effort into the recovery. As far as being angry with my spouse...that didn't last all that long really. Hurt/devestated/etc....yes. Anger...not so much.
UnsureinSeattle Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 To be honest, I still get a little angry here and there if the right trigger comes along, but I haven't been really, truly ANGRY* for a long time. How long did it take? I dunno. There were multiple D days, an actual (short-lived) break up and much shouting and crying and the like, so it's hard for me to pinpoint the exact moment I let go of my anger. I don't think my SO, or indeed many WSs, realize that, once the affair, emotional, physical or otherwise comes to light, that EVERYTHING is cast in a new light... and things that you may not have been sensitive about before can become greatly magnified... and it's REAL easy to make a mountain out of a molehill in that state. Even now, a couple of years out from the last D Day and our brief break up... I still occasionally get incredulous if she gives me a hard time about something, or if she acts in an insensitive or careless manner. But it's not something that comes up real often. *Never got physical- never wanted it to- but there was a moment when she did something incredibly insensitive and rude to me late at night in the middle of downtown, and I took off- she followed and said something stupid. I spun around and said "I would never hit a woman, but right now, I can understand why some men do" and left. Regretted it, but there you are.
Lorelei_Lane Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I have to agree with another poster, mine was more of a baseball bat to the back of the head thought. I've been "recovering" for just shy of two years. My anger went away quite a bit after the first year, but it wasn't until the last few months that my anger at him over the affair went completely away. Now I just want to hit my former "best friend" in the head with a bat. It's like all the anger got redirected from him to her, the OW. I think everyone's recovery is different. The main thing I focused on was that there is no timeline for me to "get over it". My husband would let me be mad, and we'd be fine. I feel like I was one of the lucky ones though. Don't put a timeline on your feelings, on your anger. Just let them be.
crazycatlady Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I'm with Frozensprout. I was never angry. Extremely hurt, bruised, aching. But not angry. I did get angry at both of them at another point in time, but it wasn't directly to the cheating, just the position that cheating put ME in and it wasn't even my fault. That made me angry but I got over that angry fairly quickly once I left the situation. So no advice. The pain is mostly gone now, but every now and then I feel sadness at the thought.
Spark1111 Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I was angry, on and off, for about two years, with the second year being worse than the first. It would come from my toes, and I did pack a bag and move out overnight to the nearest hotel, to not become enraged and destroy the marriage or self-implode. Recovering from an affair can take 2 to 5 years, and it does or is like experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD has five stages: shock, pain, grief, bargaining, and eventually, acceptance. Sometimes, these stages overlap each other or briefly reassert themselves in other stages. I guess it's fight or flight, and I am of the flight variety.
Spark1111 Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Oh, I also joined a gym, actually several and whenever I began to feel from the toes out of control, I got really, really physically busy with my ipod on my head to exhaust those emotions through intense activity. It helped me tremendously!
HappyAgain Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Wow, I have to say you guys/gals were lucky to have your spouses - even if they did cheat. My ex-husband expected me to be over his latest affair in 6 months which lead me to leave and divorce him after 8 months. To read that your spouses actually cared enough to give you years to completely heal from the affair is wonderful to read.
Author Audacia Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 :lmao: I know it's not nice to laugh, as you are undoubtedly in a tremendous amount of pain, but honestly I really enjoyed your question. It's so refreshing to hear someone post in a manner I can so totally relate to. (except I was more in mind of a baseball bat... ) Baseball bat, golf club, something with spikey bits on the end... I honestly don't want to physically harm my H. It's more of like a rage and anger that has taken the place of the sadness. Now which is worse is hard to tell. It took me a little less than 11 months to get to this point. I went from shock and disbelief to hysteria and pain to what i thought was semi-calmness to a weird and scary bout of anxiety and extremely low self esteem, which is now mainly anger. Only one screaming fit so far and H was so upset and scared he stayed home with me the next day because he thought I was going to a lawyer to draw up papers. Even though I told him after the fit I wasn't leaving and I just had to get it out. And I honestly didn't think I was going to get to this stage but a couple weeks ago the xOW showed up at a public event we were at and made it a point to sit right in front of us. Come to find out someone I thought was a friend was telling her where we were going to be for awhile....
bloppy Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I was very angry with my H when I first found out. I was in a rage for about 2 days. I went so far as to kick him in the nuts! Now I am more hurt than anything else. Sometime I wonder if the pain will ever go away. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. I am still very angry at the OW for her part in the A. She knew he was married & wasn't going to leave me so she "accidentally" got pregnant(if you call not taking the pill an accident) to try to force him to leave. So not only do I have to deal with the fact my H had an affair but he also has a child with her. There are times when I would love to beat the living snot out of her but I would never actually do it. Sometimes just thinking about it makes me feel better.
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