befreckled Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Like everyone in an LDR, I have my days where I am absolutely sure that the r/s with the bf is the best and there are gloomy days where I wonder if all the sacrifices are worthwhile. One of the first guys I've ever dated recently came back into my life. A decade of changes and we decided to meet up to catch up. And I had so much fun simply just having someone there. While things with the bf is going awesome, I wonder if it makes sense to work on a r/s that doesn't have an end date. We are originally from different countries, we are now in different countries and we have no plans to be together in the same country. We have been going out for four months so of course, it's pre-mature to make permanent/long term plans. Is anyone else facing a similar issue or have faced it?
orangelady Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 One of the first guys I've ever dated recently came back into my life. A decade of changes and we decided to meet up to catch up. And I had so much fun simply just having someone there. While things with the bf is going awesome, I wonder if it makes sense to work on a r/s that doesn't have an end date. I don't really understand your post. Do you already have a bf and this other guy is from another country or what? And you spent 4 months together in his country or your country?
lonely79 Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I know exactly where you are coming from, and not having and end date, or plans for an end date, or really any freaking idea how we would accomplish it at ALL is what really drove me and my SO to decide to end things (my post about it has dropped to the 2nd page i think). we are both really really sad because we really had something pretty awesome going....but with no idea when/if you'll ever actually get to be together, sometimes it can really seem like its a whole lot of heartache and effort for maybe nothing. idk. Ive been really broken up about this for the past week so Im probably not helping a lot.
orangelady Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I know exactly where you are coming from, and not having and end date, or plans for an end date, or really any freaking idea how we would accomplish it at ALL is what really drove me and my SO to decide to end things (my post about it has dropped to the 2nd page i think). we are both really really sad because we really had something pretty awesome going....but with no idea when/if you'll ever actually get to be together, sometimes it can really seem like its a whole lot of heartache and effort for maybe nothing. idk. Ive been really broken up about this for the past week so Im probably not helping a lot. you too? I hear you. My situation is worse. We kinda fell for each other online, chatted for 1.5 years everyday, skype, etc. I was so happy that I fantasized about our life together (he promised to meet me in real life) but that didn't happen. He also suffers from depression but kept saying he is better but I realized it was not the truth. Worst of all, he had no job, hasn't had a job for 3 years after his ex cheated on him, etc. The thing is, he can get a job but doesn't want to, claims he is too depressed. Without $$, he can't come to meet me. (We are from different countries). I realized that it was all a big bluff and nothing would materialize out of it looking at his attitude. It is so much heartache but I'm glad I realized it now. Online, it seems so good, but when reality sets in, it's another story.
Author befreckled Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 I don't really understand your post. Do you already have a bf and this other guy is from another country or what? And you spent 4 months together in his country or your country? the current bf and i are in different countries,from different countries and have no plan for an end date. we spent about 1.5mths in the same country and the balance in an LDR so far. the other guy is in my city.
Author befreckled Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 I know exactly where you are coming from, and not having and end date, or plans for an end date, or really any freaking idea how we would accomplish it at ALL is what really drove me and my SO to decide to end things (my post about it has dropped to the 2nd page i think). we are both really really sad because we really had something pretty awesome going....but with no idea when/if you'll ever actually get to be together, sometimes it can really seem like its a whole lot of heartache and effort for maybe nothing. idk. Ive been really broken up about this for the past week so Im probably not helping a lot. Oh shoot. I'm so so sorry to hear about it! I have been away from this site because, it's easier not to have the LDR as a focus sometimes. Heading to loveshack to lament didn't help me much when all I wanted was to not be reminded that we were apart. I'm here if you need to talk! *hugs*
HeavenOrHell Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 No offence but you can't say your situation is worse than Lonely79, breaking up with someone you've never met over someone you've met many times and formed a bond with through face to face contact, intimacy and doing things together is nowhere near as heartbreaking. Yes it can be heartbreaking to not meet someone you fantasised about but it's not in the same league at all. Lonely79 has not only lost the future her and her partner were building, but she has lost, and will miss, all the times spent together and the things they did, the intimacy and cuddles they shared. What made you say to her that your situation was worse, how have you lost as much (or more as you're saying) than her? you too? I hear you. My situation is worse. We kinda fell for each other online, chatted for 1.5 years everyday, skype, etc. I was so happy that I fantasized about our life together (he promised to meet me in real life) but that didn't happen. He also suffers from depression but kept saying he is better but I realized it was not the truth. Worst of all, he had no job, hasn't had a job for 3 years after his ex cheated on him, etc. The thing is, he can get a job but doesn't want to, claims he is too depressed. Without $$, he can't come to meet me. (We are from different countries). I realized that it was all a big bluff and nothing would materialize out of it looking at his attitude. It is so much heartache but I'm glad I realized it now. Online, it seems so good, but when reality sets in, it's another story.
lonely79 Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 No offence but you can't say your situation is worse than Lonely79, breaking up with someone you've never met over someone you've met many times and formed a bond with through face to face contact, intimacy and doing things together is nowhere near as heartbreaking. Yes it can be heartbreaking to not meet someone you fantasised about but it's not in the same league at all. Lonely79 has not only lost the future her and her partner were building, but she has lost, and will miss, all the times spent together and the things they did, the intimacy and cuddles they shared. What made you say to her that your situation was worse, how have you lost as much (or more as you're saying) than her? thanks HOH, i was thinking that same thing but had no motivation to try to explain.... theres no way its worse and I really do appreciate that you understand. Not only did we meet many times, but we lived in the same city and worked at the same company for almost 3 years before we decided to date and he moved away. so i knew/know him pretty well. besides, back to the original point, its so much harder when the only thing that keeps you apart is the distance! It isnt like we lied to each other or pretended something was real that wasnt......the real relationship when we talked and were together was so wonderful so its just so heartbreaking to have to go our separate ways because of geography. I know befreckled is struggling with this too and I just hope that she and her SO can find a way to persevere.
HeavenOrHell Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 You're welcome I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are. It's so sad that it's just the distance breaking you up, it's not as if you're no longer in love or have fallen out over differences. I know I'd be devastated if the same thing happened to me. So sorry the same thing is happening to you befreckled I hope things can be sorted. Sorry I thread jacked thanks HOH, i was thinking that same thing but had no motivation to try to explain.... theres no way its worse and I really do appreciate that you understand. Not only did we meet many times, but we lived in the same city and worked at the same company for almost 3 years before we decided to date and he moved away. so i knew/know him pretty well. besides, back to the original point, its so much harder when the only thing that keeps you apart is the distance! It isnt like we lied to each other or pretended something was real that wasnt......the real relationship when we talked and were together was so wonderful so its just so heartbreaking to have to go our separate ways because of geography. I know befreckled is struggling with this too and I just hope that she and her SO can find a way to persevere.
Author befreckled Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 You're welcome I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are. It's so sad that it's just the distance breaking you up, it's not as if you're no longer in love or have fallen out over differences. I know I'd be devastated if the same thing happened to me. So sorry the same thing is happening to you befreckled I hope things can be sorted. Sorry I thread jacked no fuss, HOH! I hope I can work things out too, it's mostly internal. The bf isn't clued in.
heartshaped Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 The situation in my LDR is a bit different. We are from different parts of the country, but were close distance for a year before we became long distance. From the beginning, the distance was only going to be temporary and we always had a round estimate of when the distance would be ending. Of course though, we had already dated for a year at that point and were very serious about each other. What I'm trying to say is, don't get discouraged! It's only been four months and like you said it's too early to make any long term plans. The beginning of LDRs are just like the beginning of CD relationships. You aren't entirely sure things are going to work out or where things are going to lead, but you fancy the person so you give it a shot. I know it's hard sometimes being long distance, but every relationship has it's obstacles and the grass is not always greener on the other side. When I do get sad about the distance I try to remind myself I'd rather be sad over something in my relationship we both have no control over than be with someone who is making me unhappy.
HeavenOrHell Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 How do you feel about the guy who has come back into your life, do you feel there is potential? Are you having doubts *because* this person is back in your life now, or were you having some doubts before? We all have doubts in LDR's, totally normal, but the r/ship's success depends on if the problems causing the doubts can be fixed/worked through. If you have no end date in your LDR how can you have a future with him? Could you do this indefinitely, do you want to be feeling like this still a year from now? Could the ex seem attractive to because you miss your partner? Are you in love with your partner and want a future with him if it becomes possible? Sorry for all the questions! Like everyone in an LDR, I have my days where I am absolutely sure that the r/s with the bf is the best and there are gloomy days where I wonder if all the sacrifices are worthwhile. One of the first guys I've ever dated recently came back into my life. A decade of changes and we decided to meet up to catch up. And I had so much fun simply just having someone there. While things with the bf is going awesome, I wonder if it makes sense to work on a r/s that doesn't have an end date. We are originally from different countries, we are now in different countries and we have no plans to be together in the same country. We have been going out for four months so of course, it's pre-mature to make permanent/long term plans. Is anyone else facing a similar issue or have faced it?
Author befreckled Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 How do you feel about the guy who has come back into your life, do you feel there is potential? Are you having doubts *because* this person is back in your life now, or were you having some doubts before? We all have doubts in LDR's, totally normal, but the r/ship's success depends on if the problems causing the doubts can be fixed/worked through. If you have no end date in your LDR how can you have a future with him? Could you do this indefinitely, do you want to be feeling like this still a year from now? Could the ex seem attractive to because you miss your partner? Are you in love with your partner and want a future with him if it becomes possible? Sorry for all the questions! If I were single, I would definitely date him and most likely we would last 3months before reality hits in and I realise we aren't compatible. I wasn't having doubts because this new guy showed up, the doubts existed before but just hanging out with someone who was physically there made me realise that I miss having my bf close to me. I should clarify that this new guy and I aren't ex-es. We went on 2-3 dates when we were 20 and then I left the country. There was no relationship to speak of. There is no end date to my LDR, we started dating based on how we felt for each other. We felt we owed it to each other to give it a try and see where it went. It has been 4 months and things are progressing definitely. I won't do this indefinitely but I haven't reached a stage where I feel I need an end date otherwise, I'll break. If I had to peg it to a date, I would be comfortable dating LDR for a year. It is possible I'm more attracted to the new guy because I miss the bf. That seems like the closest explanation I have to how I feel. I am in love with the bf and would like a future but for now I don't feel that it's the right time to bring up the million dollar question "What is our end date?" Sorry for the lengthy reply.
wild_urge Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I don't know if I should say it, but if things are going well, why are you the verge of giving up only after four months ? People manage for years, I am not suggesting that you should go on with this for the next 5 years, but if you love the person and you are happy together, it seems a bit too early to give up. If there was no end date after a year, two years, then you should get concerned. Of course there's no end date after four months, no relationship is serious enough after such short time, for on of you to move. Maybe with time you'll grow closer together, you'll get to know each other better and then it will be easier for one of you to move, maybe then you'll be able to consider moving and then it will be worth it. But your concerns, after only four months . . . they don't seem too realistic to me, of course you miss the guy, we all do, but you either like him a lot and are willing to make the effort or you don't and have to tell him, before you break his heart. I'm sorry to criticize you, but I really do think that four months is nothing, when you love someone. . .
zetkin Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 (edited) I am in a kind of similiar situation. Me and my current boyfriend are from totally different countries, and now live in two different countries (not our native countries), but not so far actually. We are together just for two month. I know it's still early, but I feel like we've been together for a long time. I met him when I went to visit another city for only three days, just at a bar. After spending my whole weekend with him, I went back home without expecting anything, but we kept in touch, talked almost everyday on skype. We've been meeting every second weekend some place else. Then he came to visit me for two weeks. (He actually just left yesterday). It was so great. We already have in plans two more long meetings in the next couple of month, and I am gonna meet his parents in July. But the problem is that none of us has a stable life right now. I don't know where I might end up in a year, and he has to decide about his future right now. Before he met me he was planning to go back home (to Brazil), he's been offered a nice job there, and all his friends and family live there. And now he would want to stay here in Europe, just because of me. When we are together it feels great, and very right. But the situation for both of us is just so unclear, that I sometimes think, "is it worth trying?". We both want to, really want to. But I also know that if we do commit, I am gonna have a lot a lot of tears in these next years. I think I have already cried more in these two month than in the two previous years. Today we were arranging our next meeting (booking flights and flat and so on) and ended up having a conversation "Would you still want to see me the end of the month, if I decide to go to Brazil in the end" My heart was breaking. Why when I finally met someone really speciall for me, is this happening... Edited May 4, 2011 by zetkin
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