frenchmanfl Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Critical assistance needed…newly separated, after 6 months difficulty after moving to new city. Married 26 years, 10 year old boy. Plan for wife to move into new house in a month while I move to apt. Wife likely in an EA maybe PA, with man 10 years her junior, with limited earning potential, living with roomates and not her type at all. I know I have met him…she cannot be looking at long term. She is 42 and definitely in MLC. Was using LC rule but last night got text from her saying her Father had been seriously assaulted and that she was in hospital with him, that he could loose his right eye. It's very serious...he is a strong man but 71. My first response was shocked but short, but I couldn’t leave it at that I followed up with so I asked how he was, what the outcome might be and that I was there for her, no matter what. Her responses were brief and signed off with thx. She got very little sleep and I texted her this morning to ask if there was an update and to see if she wanted my son to call her. She responded later with some details...I re-iterated that I was there to help with anything. It must be noted that her Step Mother ( this man’s wife ) is close to dying of cancer.All three living in town temporarily meaning my wife and I are there only support system here. All of this happening at once. Obviously I can’t distance myself from this nor would I ever even think of not being there for my wife and her family. Obviously today ( the day after ) is not the time for this, but I am wondering if this is not the perfect time to quietly ask if maybe we are not making the wrong decision, that right now she needs someone who cares deeply for her and her family because I have known and loved these people for a quarter century, that I want to be there for all of these horrible moments and comfort her, when I know she won’t be able to do so with OM. I wrote a letter that I have, of course, not sent yet and I would appreciate anyone insight on if I should or how to handle this situation besides putting aside the complications to be there for my wife. Thank you all in advance...please know that I am not using this selfishly but so much is coming down on my family and hers all at the same time. The other option of course, is to hope that she realizes it herself, but i also want to ensure she knows i still want this marriage ( even if in anger i have my doubts ). How do I do LC when my wife is in crisis like this, I can't but then do I risk being the guy who is always there when she needs me but that when she doesn't...I miss and want my family back...I play a huge role in my history for her actions and wish to run into another man's arms...I think i can forgive and am willing to do so for the sake of my family and to give this marriage one last chance, whether she is game or not is unknown. ============================================================================ Babe, I am so sorry about what has happened to your Father and you have absolutely no idea how much i want to be there for you. Your family has been my family for almost a quarter century. I love them as they were my own parents. There is so much coming down the pipeline for you. You are still my wife and I still love you. I have not given up on this family nor do I want to. I know that you are right now on a journey of self discovery, that is long overdue. I pushed too hard because I didn’t expect this. I cannot even imagine not being the one standing beside you when Irene passes to a better place. I cannot imagine you not being there when my Father passes. This is not about history it’s about the kind of love people forge when they have been married for much of their lives. If I hadn’t worried about your reaction, when I got your text, last night, my immediate thought was to dress Derik and run down to the hospital so that you could hold your baby boy. I know there is nothing I can do to change what is in your heart right now, so I will not try, but please take the next couple of weeks to mull over the possibility that maybe we could get through this you and I, that the stalemate we reached in the last years resulted from our both having given up rather than working to find an emotional union. That maybe one last try could align things the way things should be. Our financial situation is also about to get more complicated then might be feasible, to the point where even if you do have a home, the house will not be what you dreamed it could be, neither in it’s content or emotional srtucture. I am finally in a position, where in due course, I will be able to be that financial partner you need, that member of the team. I know that certain people were there for you when you world came crumbling down after the Standard. I also realize that you believe that they have your best interests at heart but I beg of you to re-evaluate. I can rattle off people who you have crossed paths with that you felt you could truly trust and they inevitably squandered that trust. I am very scarred that these people will end up doing the same. If we take the road that we are planning, the financial burden with us trying to maintain the home in AZ, the house here and me in an apartment is going to become overwhelming when things are not settled yet with either of our jobs. I don’t want Derik to have to have to live in these circumstances, whether it be with roommates, living in separate homes, coping with the emotional strain of watching the two people he loves most in the world, moving forward in different direction and stressed to the hilt because the ends are not meeting. I don’t want you to go through the trials you are about to without someone whom you know will be beside you feeling the same pain as you. Someone who you CAN trust to take every other burden off of you. I finally have a good job, that will only get better financially. Others will come and go. Please just give it some thought before we pull the trigger on our housing plans, that is all I am asking. Having me there will ensure that our son doesn’t live in a strange environment and that the bills get paid because I am not wasting money on an apt. Please consider giving this family one more chance at a point where we can work together to build a new home and life. I am willing and ready to do all of the work on my end. If you need time to decide if you are willing to put the work into us and to find yourself I will not put up a fight. My hope is that you can turn things around so that trust can be re-established because if you can commit to that, I will give you all of the space you need to re-discover yourself. We can both do things on our own but also function as a family. I will abide by any decision you make but please take some time to think about it. Shave away all of the layers and you know that we are still best friends and the kind of friendship we have, that lasts decades, is nearly impossible to come by. Everything I have read confirms that this is the foundation of a life long marriage. Give me a chance to prove that I can be that man you want and need.
Author frenchmanfl Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 PS one addition to letter...let me take the lead this time, I will pay the bills, take care of everything you need done, so you can focus on taking care of your Father and Irene. This is too important...
Author frenchmanfl Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 disregard, accidentally sent it and after a week of little contact and sharing our son, her response while not addressing anything in the e-mail was softly spoken and gentle. This means little but at least she didn't come back saying " get lost ! "
worldgonewrong Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Sometimes if the dumper goes through traumas like this, it can actually bring the dumper around and make her realize what a steady rock you've always been.
Author frenchmanfl Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 thanks world gone wrong...I am cautiously optomistic but now I back off completely and make no mention of it until the deadline for getting my own apt comes due. Appreciate the positivity !
Author frenchmanfl Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 thanks fltc, who knows...scared the crap out of me when i realized I accidentally sent it, was expecting a very negative stop breathing down my neck response, not what i got. But tomorrow is another day which is why little changes...cannot help communicating because of Dad situation and Son but said my piece, she now knows where i stand as of today...
Author frenchmanfl Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 update, wife has been texting me all day, all about my son which is perfect and then sent pictures of her poor dad's face. I sent one text this morning to ask how she and her dad were doing that was it. This doesn't mean anything, but the beauty of it is that I still have my head on my next independent move. I won't let her dictate my emotions anymore. We shall see. I will not text her again. She could just as easilly come back in a few days and say that she still wants to proceed with things as planned in which case, I will be ready for it. I have zero expectations and it will show in my lack of quizzing her if she has made a decision yet. If I don't hear from her on this, I will line up an apt and move forward, without her even knowing. I am finally taking control. Can never tell when it will come but it did. Will have bad days I am sure, but...
osurmin Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I would suggest seeing a counselor ASAP. You are gonna thru so many emotions at once, dont try and handle it by yourself.
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