Chopsey Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 months now. We have a wonderful relationship, but a couple of things have concerned me for quite some time. I don't think I'm paranoid, but advice would help. My girlfriend is more of a free spirit. Very much into music, dancing, flowers, saving the planet type. And from the begining, she's told me that she's always had more male friends than girl friends because she's never been into the gossip and bs that some women get into. On that note, she has ex's that she talks to sometimes (don't know how many times a month they text or call). She's told me afterwards that she's talked to one of her ex's, and they apparently know that we're together, but I still feel uncomfortable with it. Should I feel insecure about this?
ASG Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 In my opinion, no, you shouldn't. Exes are exes for a reason. I talk to some of mine on a somewhat regular basis. It's no big deal. It doesn't bother me when my SO's do the same. But if it bothers you, you need to tell her that. Communication is the key to a successful relationship and just bitching about it online will solve nothing. You need to bring it up with her and go from there.
Kelemort Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Did you know about the ex thing before you started dating? If so, you can't complain about it much. If you didn't - or if you asked about it and you were lied to - that's another matter. Everyone has their preferences for what they will and won't accept in a relationship. I will never tolerate a boyfriend talking to an ex again, as that has led to all sorts of problems in past relationships. Is your girlfriend always talking about these guys? Does she talk about sending them gifts, wishing she could see them again, comparing you to them? Does she keep other channels of communication open with them? Are you 'compared' to them, either favorably or not (i.e., 'you're better in bed than x was,' 'You would have really liked y.')? These are all important factors to consider when deciding if it should bother you or not. In my situation, my boyfriend never had a period of no contact after his break-up with his ex, and he NEVER got over his relationship with her. The first year, year and a half of our relationship was DOMINATED by her (everything I mentioned, I experienced - plus more). Yet they were supposedly just talking occasionally on Facebook. She sure was on his mind a lot to not be that serious or to be in contact so little! Had he been honest and upfront about talking to her when we started dating, that would be one thing. But the idea of talking to exes was mentioned several times, and he lied every single time. My opinion is this: some people can handle having limited, cordial contact with exes. But if they don't have children together, I really have to ask 'why' - what do they get out of that contact? What needs are met that couldn't be met through somebody else? I'd wager that most folks in contact with an ex do so because 1.) they want the ex back or 2.) they can't let the ex go, and both are harmful and dangerous to a new relationship. Just because a relationship has ended doesn't mean it's in the 'past.' They may never get back together, sure - but if they're still talking, I think it's a fair question to wonder if there are still feelings there, and if so, if those are going to jeopardize a relationship. Even if your girlfriend isn't crawling back to her ex, I'm sure it hurts to know they all talk and you're left to wonder, "Well, is she still into them, but she's into me too, and she wants to have us both in her life?" Exes may be exes for a reason, but it could be entirely one-sided. Not all break-ups are mutual. And even when they are, that doesn't mean the feelings die. Your relationship is still young, so there's bound to be some insecurity as you try to figure out your place with your girlfriend. I would bring it up and ask her about it. It's a good sign that she's apparently told one of her exes she's dating you, so at least she's not completely trying to hide it. Ask her if she would be comfortable with you talking to your exes. See what she says. I'd ask about frequency, and then it's time for both of you to hammer out your limits and what you will or won't tolerate.
Professor X Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 In my opinion, no, you shouldn't. Exes are exes for a reason. I talk to some of mine on a somewhat regular basis. It's no big deal. It doesn't bother me when my SO's do the same. But if it bothers you, you need to tell her that. Communication is the key to a successful relationship and just bitching about it online will solve nothing. You need to bring it up with her and go from there. You should listen to this crazy broad (no sarcasm). As long as she values you more than them, as long as she doesn't talk to to much with them regularly and as long as she's being open and honest with you about it, there shouldn't be any reason for you to feel insecure. Troubles usually come when people start to hide stuff from one another.
Author Chopsey Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Thanks for the advice. I'll take it into consideration when I talk to her about this. If anyone has any other advice on this, please post. I can never learn less.
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