New World Man Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 (edited) My wife and I have decided to divorce after 25 years. We've been separated since early December. Even though I was caught having an affair, my wife also had her issues. All those things gradually pulled us apart long before the separation. She decided peace of mind was more important that going through reconciliation. So far the division process has been smooth and we remain in touch. We talk out all differences and never argue. Early in the separation, my wife told me she thought I was trying to turn her into a whore. My compulsive behavior toward porn & sex did influence my thinking. Even though I thought it was helping us in the bedroom, she said she didn't feel good about doing the things I encouraged her to do - like watching porn and roleplaying. She came from a strict, religious family, so it took years for me to corrupt her. She never complained about it until after we were separated. When we decided not to get back together, my wife went through the bedroom closet we shared, gathered all my belongings and boxed them for me to pick up. My clothes & belongings took up a third of the closet. One day, when my wife was at work, I told her I would drop by the house to pick up my stuff. She's OK with me doing this, and I still have a key to the family home. As I loaded the boxes from the living room, I decided to check out to the bedroom closet to see if any of my belongings were remaining. I didn't see anything else I needed, but in clear view I saw some things of mine that she kept - and it has puzzled me ever since: -- Three porn videocassettes that I watched before we got our DVD player. She would watch some soft-core porn movies on TV, but these videos were hard-core porn. She said she never liked watching flicks with hard-core scenes like MMF and FF, but these films have plenty of those. -- A schoolgirl outfit that I bought her and encouraged her to wear as I took photos of her. Weeks later, she said she didn't like our "principal/schoolgirl" roleplay, but did it only to please me. In another part of the bedroom is a cabinet where we kept books and DVDs. While looking for my books and DVDs, I found these: -- A DVD I made for her featuring a slideshow of hunky nude/seminude cowboys to the music of Carrie Underwood's "Cowboy Casanova." My wife is an avid horseback rider and enjoys reading romance books featuring rough and ready lovers like a cowboy. I gave my wife this DVD midway last year, but it disappeared. I thought she threw it away. But when I found the disc, she had used a Sharpie to write this: "Cowboy Casanova from (my name)". I could tell the words were recently written. -- Three photos in an envelope of her writing a sexy string bikini. These were photos I took of her a few years back, after I bought the bikini for her at a lingerie store. After our separation, my wife asked that I delete & destroy all erotic photos I took of her. However, she decided to keep these. And I did something very sneaky: I looked where she keeps her undergarments, and the sexy bikini was there. It has puzzled me that she asked to get rid of things that made her feel less-than-wholesome, yet she decided to keep these for herself. I'm wondering what she's thinking. Should I say something to her about them? Edited May 2, 2011 by New World Man
You Go Girl Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Relationships are about making and maintaining a connection. Snooping has got to be at the bottom of the list as to how to bring two people closer together. I think you two have bigger issues than discussing what is in plain sight now in the bedroom. Maybe she staged it to perplex you. Maybe she was this, maybe that. Does it really matter? One thing is for sure, she didn't keep but hide those things as if she truly deep down likes it but has associated shame.
Author New World Man Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 (edited) Relationships are about making and maintaining a connection. Snooping has got to be at the bottom of the list as to how to bring two people closer together. I think you two have bigger issues than discussing what is in plain sight now in the bedroom. Maybe she staged it to perplex you. Maybe she was this, maybe that. Does it really matter? One thing is for sure, she didn't keep but hide those things as if she truly deep down likes it but has associated shame. Bigger issues? Maybe deciding if we're going to replace the posts on the front porch of our house with brick or wood. She's keeping the house until our daughter finishes college, which could be another 3 or 4 years. As for bringing us closer together ... I think we're communicating better now than we did the last few months we were together. Still, I don't know about coming right out and asking her about the tapes, disc and pics. Who knows, I might blurt it out if I have too much to drink after I take her to a Bon Jovi concert later this month. Edited May 2, 2011 by New World Man
Mick1963 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Maybe she still has feelings for you and secretly enjoys those things, but doesn't want to enjoy it with you. She wants to do it alone, or she could be keeping them for the next guy. Married 25 years -- What are your ages?
Author New World Man Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 I'm 48, she's 47. The more I think about it, the more it bugs me she's keeping the stuff.
fencesitter Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) Maybe she kept the DVD's to prevent YOU from "enjoying" them. Maybe she kept the other stuff because she doesn't know what to do with them quite yet or the best way to discard them. Maybe she *did* secretly enjoy some of that stuff you two did on some level but is too ashamed to admit it due to her religious beliefs. There is a weird shame/erotic connection sometimes. The whole dirty wh@re/good girl thing. I am guessing there are things about her sexuality that she just doesn't understand and doesn't have the tools work through or an open minded girlfriend to discuss these things with, so she is planning to indulge herself privately and then pray about it the next day in the hope God will forgive her dirty soul. I don't know. Just my two cents. And since YOU provided her the introduction to these things, she has to categorically reject you and everything you represent sexually in order to allow herself to maintain what she feels is a positive self image in the vein of a Madonna. But...there is probably a lot of conflicting emotions because with the abuse of porn (did you allude to that?) and the marital affair, maybe she has lumped all non-missionary style sex as contributing to sin in her mind. It's one thing to have a private kinky sex life with your spouse. It gets all twisted when the betrayal of an affair comes to light. One feels used, one wonders if you did all that stuff with your mistress, etc. Edited May 9, 2011 by fencesitter
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