How to stop thinking about my ex? Anger issues.

[makelemonade1974]

I am DONE thinking about my ex. I used to be sad, but now I'm just PO'd. I work with him, but don't see him every day - actually rarely see him - just know he's around. And I won't see him all summer because we work for a uni and he's not teaching this summer.

 

The breakup was messy - he's a childish a ss. I have tried a few times to offer friendship and apologize (which towards the end was mainly a political move - we worked on a journal together and I wanted a promotion). We had an angry email exchange about six weeks ago in which I told him off and then he promptly got PO'd and went to uni judicial affairs, took said angry email and claimed I was "harassing" him (I have better things to do - he needs to get over himself). Anyway, we now have a no contact order for the rest of our time working for the uni. Bottom line: Not only are we not getting back together, but he is a hateful mofo who is trying to smear my name at work. I am limited (for the moment) in going to department events (I had to miss the end-of-semester party, for example) in fear that he will claim I broke the order. My director (and boss) is on my side generally - we have worked closely together for a long time and he not only barely knows my ex, but dislikes the "motherly" Prof who has been telling him crap about me in an attempt to "save" my ex from my "abusiveness." My director says he will fix things in the fall so I can go to dept events.

 

Anyway - just when I was over being sad and heartbroken, now I am consumed with anger and my pride is seriously injured. I have considered litigation, but the email I sent him looks pretty bad, so there's not much I can do as far as "defamation of character."

 

How do I just STOP THINKING ABOUT IT? I've been seeing a therapist, and my friends suggest that I stop going to therapy because it's making me dwell on it. Should I do this? What tactics do ya'll use to release anger or stop thinking about your ex? Last night I drank 4 beers in an attempt to make myself not angry; now I am miserably hungover and thinking that is not going to be a very good solution in the future.

 

Yes, I work out, go running, and yes, it helps a bit. And no, I can't change jobs. I have to write a dissertation - so I have a full two years left here.

 

Ideas?

 

Btw, those of you with ex's that are generally sane and acting "normal" post break-up (remorseful, sad, CIVIL) don't know how lucky you are. I reached into the man pot and pulled out Mr. psycho-who-if-he-can't-have-me-must-ruin-my-life.

Edited May 2, 2011 by makelemonade1974

[Kodo]

How do I just STOP THINKING ABOUT IT?

 

I put myself in a position where I have to stop. I work at a leisure centre so I swim. I put myself in a lane where I don't have to think or worry about anyone else and I just swim. When I'm ready to give up, I keep going, when my goggles are fogged or filled with water, I keep going. If I cop a mouthful of water I swallow it and keep going.

 

It's just something I find works for me. When I finish I feel relieved and that I've proven something to no-one but myself. I feel like I overcome a bigger mental hurdle than I would doing a weight session and admiring the pump in the mirror.

 

Then I sit in the spa and relax and for the next 15 minutes all I have to do is listen to the sound of the water. By then I'm so out of energy and carefare I can't be bothered getting angry.

 

It might not be healthy, but I find directing the anger at myself and dealing with it keeps me a pleasant person around others, even in times like this.

[smudge21]

Tough one - working with an ex is never easy and there's never an easy situation. One thing I will say though is that I've seen (and experienced) when people split and anger kicks in - it's like a completely new emotion and in some ways it does help the healing process. It speeds it up as that anger and hate forces you to break that emotional bond.

 

Put it this way, when we're in love with someone, we put them on a pedestal. We worship them and think that no one else can ever replace them. When it all goes wrong and ends, it's very hard to change that thought, as for most of us we still love the ex. Now if anger kicks in, we not only see that person in a new light, but we also kick that pedestal from under them and beat them with it.

 

Case in point - a friend broke up with his ex roughly the same time I did. She turned into a total b***h and destroyed everything they shared, even his childs toys! Anger was definitely his only emotion. He managed to move on so much quicker then I have, for I don't hate my ex. We parted in a friendly way and I reckon one day we'll be back to being just friends. But that said, I only have loving feelings for her. No hate or anger. I have one emotion and that's sadly keeping me bonded to her.

 

The anger you're feeling has totally replaced any sense of love you had for this individual, so I say let it out, let it remove any feelings you had for him. I do believe in sticking with a therapist though as they can dig deep and really help where friends and family can't.

 

I don't think there's any quick fix for you (or any of us really), we just have to ride it out. Not sure about the drink though as for me that always brings out the emotions more.

[Fufu]

Moving on is a process, you may go through all the different stages of emotions, including depress, sadness, anger........then the final stage, the achieving of the let go emotion.

 

I just want to say don't be too hard on yourself. Many times when we felt the anger is when we put too much energy on our exes.

 

I was in the anger stage sometime ago, but now I feel so much better. I just told myself, Why should I be angry over him, I don't want to grow any wrinkles.

[Kilty]

Tomorrow is my first day of working on the same floor as my ex's fiance.

 

He is old and quite ugly with more baggage than Joan Collins on Safari.

 

She also works in the same building but it's easy to avoid her.

 

I dont know how i feel at the moment - maybe that's a good thing.

 

I wont be having any dealings with this guy but there will be many moments when i am going to have to walk past him or the like.

 

I dont even know if he knows who i am.

 

( Me and the ex had a wee fall out and within 2-3 weeks she had rebounded onto this guy - who seems to be there for girls when they are at their most vulnerable) He had only recently been engaged to a girl that was pregnant by someone else.

 

Anyway i think the anger issues are more to do with being angry with ourselves for not seeing your ex for what they are when you are together.

 

Working in the same environment sure does suck though and is an obstacle for NC

[makelemonade1974]

Kodo - I do get some release from running, but I think perhaps more meditation would be useful. I'm glad your swimming is helping you.

 

Smudge - you are so right about anger sucking all the love right out of me. I'm certainly not sitting around pining for him anymore. Funny, but he's been angry from day 1. No wonder he's always wanted me to disappear. That's just what I want him to do right now.

 

Fufu - thank you for your reassurance. It helps to think that it's a stage and there's something brighter on the other side. Sometimes I just feel like I'm in a dark tunnel and I'll never get out.

 

Kilty - I'm sorry for what you are having to go through. I do think that a lot of anger has been self-directed. I need to forgive myself and quit worrying about what other people think so much. ((hugs)) chin up on the work front. It sucks to have your work invaded by your personal life.

 

I want detachment, apathy, indifference. THAT is what I want. I want to not give a flying fu ck whether or not he exists in this universe. Then I will be happy. But how to get there?