LadyWriter Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I had a crush on a somewhat quiet guy at work but never told anyone. A girl I work with happened to figure it out and told the guy. The next time I saw him he was more friendly and smiled but he would fidget and look away when we were talking and never said a whole lot. Two weeks later, after I was almost convinced he was uninterested, he asked for my number. It took him 9 days to call me. We talked and laughed for 3 1/2 hours but I did most of the talking. As we were about to hang up he said we should hang out sometime and asked what I would be doing in a couple days. He said he would call then and see what I was up to. In the meantime I was telling the girl who started this whole thing that it took him forever to call and told her how excited I was that we were going to hang out. She seems to have been a little pushy with him about me. But I don't know that for sure. So on the specified day he calls and we talk for another 3 1/2 hours but there is no mention of us hanging out. When we were about to hang up he says "It was good talking to ya" and out of my disappointment all I could muster was a half-hearted "yeah." I text him a few days after that and he always responds but we don't exchange more than a couple messages. When I see him at work he's friendly but doesn't smile as much as he used to and he seems to fidget even more than he did in the beginning. He seems to be confident in talking to everyone BUT me. It’s like being around me makes him clam up. All this made me uncomfortable and nervous and I've been acting like I'm not interested anymore….but, alas, I still am. He hasn't called back, so I tried calling him late one evening. He didn't answer but text me back the next day. I found out later his parents were visiting from out-of-town the day I called, but he still hasn't actually called me back. We're no longer working together because his internship ended and I don't see him in person anymore. I thought about calling in a couple weeks just to be friendly and see how his summer is going. So what's the deal? Is he shy, just being nice because he knows I like him and he doesn't want to hurt me, or did he just plain lose interest?
Sunstar Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 If he's only quiet like that around you, then it's quite possible that he's she shy because he likes you. The reason I think that is because it was him who asked your number.
Datura Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I thought about calling in a couple weeks just to be friendly and see how his summer is going. That's the only reason? You like him, stop beating around the bush and ask him out. Then you'll know for certain whether or not his interest has been lost.
djhall Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 In my experience, guys don't call and engage in multiple 3 1/2 hour conversations unless they are pretty interested . Your guy shows all the signs of being shy and insecure around someone he likes. He didn't express interest or ask for your number until someone else told him it was okay. He was cautious and waited to make that call. He gets embarassed and becomes self-conscious when you talk to him. He hints about something like going out but then backs off to see if you were interested enough to bring it up again. The good news is that he probably likes you. The bad news is this guy is probably too insecure to make any first moves... he will probably only initiate if he is already sure the answer is going to be yes. Want him to ask you on a date.. you're going to have to let him know you want him to and will say yes when he does. Want him to get up the nerve to kiss you... you'll have to either say outright or do the body language equivalent of, "So, are you going to kiss me or what?" Basically he is so insecure that he needs the escape of vagueness... if he asks you out and you say no the rejection is going to hurt so much, so instead he hints about maybe asking you out and waits to see what you do... if you don't bring it up again then he can always tell himself that he wasn't rejected since he never actually asked, but if you pursue it then he can go there knowing in advance that you want him to ask and has little chance of rejection, making a mistake, or misreading your intentions.
vsmini Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Datura! I thought the same thing. You have to be honest with yourself - if you're "planning" on calling a guy in a couple weeks just to be friendly and see how his summer is going then that's probably all you're hoping for. I understand some guys are shy or insecure or whatever but if a guy is interested he will call and make the first few moves. Yes there are always exceptions but they are rare and it's pointless to sit around and assume you're the exception.
Author LadyWriter Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 You make an excellent point! He hints about something like going out but then backs off to see if you were interested enough to bring it up again.. As best I can remember, he said "So do you want to maybe hang out on Wednesday?" I said, "sure." He says, "Okay, I'll give you a call then and see what your doing." Wednesday rolls around and there's no mention of going anywhere. And evidently he didn't have plans since he talked to me until 10 p.m. I saw him that following Monday and that's when I noticed the change in him. I would have thought he knew I was interested enough to go out with him...maybe that's where I went wrong??? Maybe the problem is how he perceived it as a guy? Because any woman would have clearly known I was interested.
djhall Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I understand some guys are shy or insecure or whatever but if a guy is interested he will call and make the first few moves. Yes there are always exceptions but they are rare and it's pointless to sit around and assume you're the exception. I always find it interesting how many women assume there aren't many guys out there too afraid of rejection to risk it. Almost every guy I know has several stories about the girl they were crazy about but never got the courage up to ask. It isn't something guys typically talk alot about, but I used to be one of the worst so it comes up as a topic of conversation around me.
Knittress Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Seems to me like you two are in a shyness-centric negative feedback loop. He was interested in you, but then got scared and ran away because you weren't waving a neon sign that said you liked him too. My feeling is (being one myself) is that those introverted types tend not to move-on emotionally all that fast. He probably STILL likes you. He probably pines and kicks himself over being such a wuss. Probably. Anyway, I think you need to be ballsy. He doesn't work with you anymore so you have nothing to lose. There will be no horrible fallout or epic embarrassment (No one will know!), even if things go horribly awry - which they WON'T.
Author LadyWriter Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 shyness-centric negative feedback loop. . Love that! LOL It's so true And your absolutely right...I don't have anything to lose. If he rejects me, then I (and my best friend lol) will be the only ones who know.
djhall Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 As best I can remember, he said "So do you want to maybe hang out on Wednesday?" I said, "sure." He says, "Okay, I'll give you a call then and see what your doing." Wednesday rolls around and there's no mention of going anywhere. And evidently he didn't have plans since he talked to me until 10 p.m. I saw him that following Monday and that's when I noticed the change in him. I would have thought he knew I was interested enough to go out with him...maybe that's where I went wrong??? Maybe the problem is how he perceived it as a guy? Because any woman would have clearly known I was interested. We obviously can't tell what the guy is thinking for certain from your posts. I know when I was much worse about that kind of stuff, I'd do stuff like that. For example, if I wanted to go to dinner with you I'd say something about the restaraunt I'd always wanted to eat at. Then if you said you always wanted to try it too, I'd say something about it not being much fun to go alone, and wait to see if you suggested that we go together before I'd ask. If you just agreed that you didn't want to go alone either but didn't suggest we go together I probably wouldn't take it as a green light to ask you because you might have just been agreeing with me and not actually meaning you wanted to go with me specifically. And then I'd think maybe you didn't really like me and I was just imagining it and back of a little. I once had a girl invite me on an overnight weekend out of town and she booked and paid for a room with a single bed, but I wasn't sure if that meant she was interested or she just wanted company for the weekend! Like I said, I was really, really, really bad... And your guy behaves a lot like I used to.
djhall Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 shyness-centric negative feedback loop Love it! Never heard that before, but that is exactly the right description for what I used to do!
thatdog Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 You make an excellent point! As best I can remember, he said "So do you want to maybe hang out on Wednesday?" I said, "sure." He says, "Okay, I'll give you a call then and see what your doing." Wednesday rolls around and there's no mention of going anywhere. And evidently he didn't have plans since he talked to me until 10 p.m. I saw him that following Monday and that's when I noticed the change in him. I would have thought he knew I was interested enough to go out with him...maybe that's where I went wrong??? Maybe the problem is how he perceived it as a guy? Because any woman would have clearly known I was interested. Guys often notice different things than women. Shy guys will also go to amazing lengths to justify those things as meaningless anyhow, especially if they really like a girl. I used to be like that. For example I went througha courtship once where I was completely clueless. these are the hints I noticed and my 'shy guy interpretation' as they happend: 1- She talked to me in class (she is probably friendly to everyone). 2- She walked with me to my next class every week (we must be going the same way). 3- She asked if I wanted to study with her sometime (hah! Foolish girl must think I'm smart enough to copy off). 4- She invited me to a club (ok she DOES want to be FRIENDS). 5- She invited me in for a coffee when I dropped her home (knows I live far away and might be too tired to drive). 6- I notice she has photos of me on her wall from before we even met (What a coincidence I turn up so often in nice photos of her friends and family (turned out I knew her sister and brother in law)). 7- She tells me she had a dream about me (must have been a nightmare lol!). ... 8- She gets upset and tells me to stop leading her on cos she has had a crush for years and can't handle it anymore. (..................huh?....................oh!............hmmmm... Maybe she DOES like me.) silly girl. why didn't she send clearer signals then??! Sounds retarded as is but this is seriously how a lot of shy guys think when a woman shows interest in them (albeit not usually to such an extent). same with girls too though if LS is anything to go by. C'mon 2x 3.5hr phone calls and you think he ISN'T interested?
sugarmomma Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 He's not interested or else he would have asked you out. He took 9 days to call? And you answered??
djhall Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Guys often notice different things than women. Shy guys will also go to amazing lengths to justify those things as meaningless anyhow, especially if they really like a girl. I used to be like that. For example I went througha courtship once where I was completely clueless. these are the hints I noticed and my 'shy guy interpretation' as they happend: 1- She talked to me in class (she is probably friendly to everyone). 2- She walked with me to my next class every week (we must be going the same way). 3- She asked if I wanted to study with her sometime (hah! Foolish girl must think I'm smart enough to copy off). 4- She invited me to a club (ok she DOES want to be FRIENDS). 5- She invited me in for a coffee when I dropped her home (knows I live far away and might be too tired to drive). 6- I notice she has photos of me on her wall from before we even met (What a coincidence I turn up so often in nice photos of her friends and family (turned out I knew her sister and brother in law)). 7- She tells me she had a dream about me (must have been a nightmare lol!). ... 8- She gets upset and tells me to stop leading her on cos she has had a crush for years and can't handle it anymore. (..................huh?....................oh!............hmmmm... Maybe she DOES like me.) silly girl. why didn't she send clearer signals then??! Sounds retarded as is but this is seriously how a lot of shy guys think when a woman shows interest in them (albeit not usually to such an extent). same with girls too though if LS is anything to go by. C'mon 2x 3.5hr phone calls and you think he ISN'T interested? Exactly! I swear this is more common than most women think. Most guys won't admit it or tell their stories of doing it until they are around someone who is way worse than they ever were and then the stories start coming out. "What, she took you out of town and paid for a motel room with a single bed and you weren't sure if she was interested so you played it safe! Dang, I was never that bad, but there was this one girl that always... " Oh yeah, most guys have them.
Author LadyWriter Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 (edited) silly girl. why didn't she send clearer signals then??! Sounds retarded as is but this is seriously how a lot of shy guys think when a woman shows interest in them (albeit not usually to such an extent). same with girls too though if LS is anything to go by. C'mon 2x 3.5hr phone calls and you think he ISN'T interested? Well..I'm one of those shy girls too, which makes this even harder. So I assumed that if he wasn't interested anymore, then the only reason he talked for so long was because he knew I liked him and he was just trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings. Plus he knew he would be seeing me at work and might not want to get the "evil eye" from all my co-worker friends lol. But I called him two weeks ago. He didn't answer, text me the next day after he knew I would be awake (it was my day off), and he still hasn't CALLED me. I thought by me calling him that would be a clear sign I wanted to talk i.e. I'm showing interest. Am I wrong? Edited May 2, 2011 by LadyWriter
Author LadyWriter Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 silly girl. why didn't she send clearer signals then??! Well..I'm one of those shy girls too, which makes this even harder. So I assumed that if he wasn't interested anymore, then the only reason he talked for so long was because he knew I liked him and he was just trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings. Plus he knew he would be seeing me at work and might not want to get the "evil eye" from all my co-worker friends lol. But I called him two weeks ago. He didn't answer, text me the next day after he knew I would be awake (it was my day off), and he still hasn't CALLED me. I thought by me calling him that would be a clear sign I wanted to talk i.e. I'm showing interest. Am I wrong?
Bertram Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 He's not interested or else he would have asked you out. He took 9 days to call? And you answered?? Exactly. My brutal & honest male perspective is that he is not very interested. Maybe a bit interested but not enough to commit to anything (not even a proper date). Let's go over the facts again: he knows you like him, he knows that setting up a date would be the easiest thing in the world, he is not pathologically shy. Hence: he is just not that into you.
Author LadyWriter Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Exactly. My brutal & honest male perspective is that he is not very interested. Maybe a bit interested but not enough to commit to anything (not even a proper date). Let's go over the facts again: he knows you like him, he knows that setting up a date would be the easiest thing in the world, he is not pathologically shy. Hence: he is just not that into you. So why talk to me for hours? Just out of being polite? Is he acting different towards me because he knows I'm into him and it makes him feel awkward?
Darren Taylor Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I can honestly say that I would never talk to a girl for 3 1/2 hours unless I'm interested in her. He sounds shy, but definitely interested. If he wasn't interested, he wouldn't be talking to you for nearly 4 hours.
Bertram Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 So why talk to me for hours? Just out of being polite? Is he acting different towards me because he knows I'm into him and it makes him feel awkward? Possibly...I'm not saying he is not interested at all, he might be borderline interested, which is not good enough I think. Listen, it is always hard to give advice on a forum without knowing you or him... maybe he is the love of your life, who knows? But you asked for an opinion and I'm just saying that as a man when I'm interested in a girl I call her often, I answer her messages straight away, I try to set up dates etc. (especially when we first start dating). If I'm not very interested, I can go days without even thinking of calling her.
Author LadyWriter Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Possibly...I'm not saying he is not interested at all, he might be borderline interested, which is not good enough I think. Listen, it is always hard to give advice on a forum without knowing you or him... maybe he is the love of your life, who knows? But you asked for an opinion and I'm just saying that as a man when I'm interested in a girl I call her often, I answer her messages straight away, I try to set up dates etc. (especially when we first start dating). If I'm not very interested, I can go days without even thinking of calling her. That's cool...I honestly appreciate your input. Gives me a different way of looking at the situation.
Author LadyWriter Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 I can honestly say that I would never talk to a girl for 3 1/2 hours unless I'm interested in her. He sounds shy, but definitely interested. If he wasn't interested, he wouldn't be talking to you for nearly 4 hours. Or maybe he just didn't have anything better to do? Or maybe I'm looking for any sign that's he's not into me. He didn't even ask me for my number until after he had already asked the girl who started this whole thing if she had it. (Which she didn't)
CambridgeGirl Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I agree with Bertram, just because he spoke to you for hours one day and enjoyed the chat doesn't mean he hasn't stopped thinking about you since. he might have forgotten about it already. Some guys are just like that, you can't know what he thinks, except that he hasn't chased you since. If he is just nervous and still doesn't respond when you initiate i would say he is just not that bothered. Next!
Darren Taylor Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Or maybe he just didn't have anything better to do? Typical woman, overanalyzing things. If that were the case, he's pathetic. But I highly doubt that's the case. Or maybe I'm looking for any sign that's he's not into me. Right back to the overanalyzing I was talking about. He didn't even ask me for my number until after he had already asked the girl who started this whole thing if she had it. (Which she didn't) Like I said, he sounds shy. Go get em' Cougar.
Author LadyWriter Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Typical woman, overanalyzing things. True! What can I say? We all do it sometime......or all the time lol. BTW theses convos happened 6 weeks ago. No contact other than at work and a couple texts until I called 2 weeks ago. Does time make any difference? Or am I overanalyzing again
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