Could use some criticism and encouragement

[Kodo]

I think she keeps them from me, because she is afraid of hurting me. Most would say that's selfish behavior and I've told her I'd rather her tell me the truth, even if it hurts me, than be nice.

 

Definitely see the similarity there. In my case I think she does it because she doesn't want to feel the guilt after I get hurt. Not because she really cares what I think.

[Kodo]

I don't think I've ever lost my co-dependancy. I was never like that until I met my ex.

 

Normally I was excited about going out on weekends. Never felt lonely leading up to them now.

 

When the ex left 2.5 years ago (after 3 years) I always felt lonely. I don't think I ever recovered from that. Then after breaking up recently (after 15 months) it feels worse.

 

I feel absolutely empty and I'm sitting here with absolutely no compusure and dunno what to do..

[Kodo]

I feel like I'm just gonna collapse. How could **** this thing up twice now... wtf is wrong with me

[Kodo]

Vented.. sorry*

Edited May 15, 2011 by Kodo
Vented.. sorry*

[Kodo]

Having a weak moment.

 

She contacted me on facebook. Asking about a personal item that I KNOW is with her stuff. She said a family member had asked about it and she was wondering. I told her it's with her stuff take care and that was it. Just before I deleted her off facebook she replied back with "I must have missed it I'll have another look, you too have a good one".

 

Does she have no soul? She can only reciprocate the polite words of mine. She can't initiate it. And why ****ing message me on facebook and not text?

 

See why I said I know she DOES use facebook earlier? Because this morning after an absolutely horrible dream I wake up and find on facebook she's deleted all but one or two family members (bet she just missed them) from her friends list. She's probably aware I deleted her now especially since a few family members are having birthdays and she'd see the news feeds.

 

She's even left friends of mine on her list who will NEVER side with her. They probably won't even talk to her again. She's also left a couple of people who were dating friends of hers (and no longer are).

 

There is a method to her facebook actions. She targeted the family members.

 

 

And why am I ****ing analysing this so much.

[Kodo]

Am I on the right track? I've really just lost faith, I just can't make a calculated decision on any of this.

[St.Dogmael]

Try to distance yourself as much as you can from facebook, and maybe even from these forums for a while. I agree with other posters who've said that the excessive "chatter" of networking sites doesn't help. There is a lot of great support on loveshack.org, but there's also a lot of over-analyzing that might be clouding your vision.

 

I'm going through a tough situation with a girl who just broke it off with me, and the best thing for me has been to go out where people are (the mall, a coffee shop, a bookstore) and focus on something else.

 

I don't know, hope that helps at least a little!

[Kodo]

Thought I'd post an update.

 

She deleted me to "give me my privacy because she thought that's what I wanted since I've been friends with x and y". X and y are girls I knew before I was with her (but never spoke to often till now). I found this out after a text I sent her (she replied immediately) thanks to poor feedback from a mutual friend (explained below).

 

X is a girl I hooked up with while single during the year the ex and I were apart, it never got any serious than that. Y is a friend who is always coming out for coffees, texts me every second day or so, goes for movies but otherwise has no real "interest".

 

Anyway according to ex mutual (best friend) I made a bad move by deleting her on facebook because I'm allowing her to move on physically and now emotionally. I'm assuming by that my ex was looking at my wall (hence saw the 2 friends added and tagged on occasion).

 

That put me in an emotional spiral. A copuple of days later another mutual friend posted photos of a girls night out. To which I deleted hte mutual friend. The other (the best friend) I'm still considering. I'm leaning towards it but I'd prefer to warn them first as they are a good friend (except for when they bring up false hope like the above and then don't feel like elaborating or talking further which really pisses me off).

 

 

Anyway at the moment I've got no ex on facebook and despite the advice given I'm choosing to keep FBook. Reason is that I have no ties to the ex now, have not been looking her up in search and it has allowed me to rekindle old friendships and even have a few deep conversations with friends I'd never have spoken with in such a way.

 

It's been over a month since the break up. The ex has only spoken to me through the facebook message and when I sent a weak text pretending she had deleted me. I've gone out a couple of times with friends but the clubbing scene just really doesn't do it for me anymore. I'm sick of all the anti-social behaviour normally associated with it.

 

I've decided to avoid the mutual when possible. I do see her a few times a week at training and when I do I just let her lead t he convo and answer briefly. To be polite but not informative is the goal right now. At the same time though it's made it extremely hard to get things off my chest. I have no-one else to talk to so I guess I'll just post here or something.

[Kodo]

I caved in last night and looked at her profile (even though not friended) and noticed she's added some gym junkie to her friends list... I dunno why I did that.

 

I was just having a weak moment I try talking to people but everyone is so busy or if I talk in person I just feel so dull. I'm not the person I normally am.

[sinnister]

Keep your head up it's like TAlliance said with a mix of just you were more of her parent than an actual bf. If she didn't have a job, the place should've at least have been cleaned...seems like she took u for granted...so you took her for granted..but u two loved out of convenience (not to say that can't be genuine too) then it became just too much for you to have to juggle. She wasn't receptive to you needing your private time as her private time happened when you weren't there. You got her back on her feet like a parent would..but that's not really what permanently endears you to the opposite sex...n sets you up for resentment later on..which is why she hooked up with random dudes..to display her power. Nothing was ur fault here..it just played out how quite a few live ins do...it's cool until you have to interact all the time..n stop knowing what to say r too busy r actually hide in your "busyness" to do extracurriculars w/o permission.

[Kodo]

Keep your head up it's like TAlliance said with a mix of just you were more of her parent than an actual bf. If she didn't have a job, the place should've at least have been cleaned...seems like she took u for granted...so you took her for granted..but u two loved out of convenience (not to say that can't be genuine too) then it became just too much for you to have to juggle. She wasn't receptive to you needing your private time as her private time happened when you weren't there. You got her back on her feet like a parent would..but that's not really what permanently endears you to the opposite sex...n sets you up for resentment later on..which is why she hooked up with random dudes..to display her power. Nothing was ur fault here..it just played out how quite a few live ins do...it's cool until you have to interact all the time..n stop knowing what to say r too busy r actually hide in your "busyness" to do extracurriculars w/o permission.

 

But see she was pretty established when we met. It was only when she came back the second time that she had no job (Because she moved back home). But she got one quickly and even at times she was unsure. I pretty much let it be at that because she needs to decide herself. I'd suppotr any decision.

 

Not sure what you mean by the last statement though about being too busy to hide?

[sinnister]

But see she was pretty established when we met. It was only when she came back the second time that she had no job (Because she moved back home). But she got one quickly and even at times she was unsure. I pretty much let it be at that because she needs to decide herself. I'd suppotr any decision.

 

Not sure what you mean by the last statement though about being too busy to hide?

I meant when you claim to be busy to hide in something that doesn't involve her..lol. Just trying to make space when you can, but avoid resentment for doing your own thing. Still, you played the parent role/transitional role with her n she eventually resented it and used you workaholic nature to just say it didn't work..which is what happens sometimes when live-ins r compress b/f they're actually ready. I mean you have to be like sympatico to pull that off..or have a big social circle to alleviate the boredom..r one/both be actual gamers..that can stay clean but lose themselves in something as time ticks w/out expectations/resentment building.

[Kodo]

I meant when you claim to be busy to hide in something that doesn't involve her..lol. Just trying to make space when you can, but avoid resentment for doing your own thing. Still, you played the parent role/transitional role with her n she eventually resented it and used you workaholic nature to just say it didn't work..which is what happens sometimes when live-ins r compress b/f they're actually ready. I mean you have to be like sympatico to pull that off..or have a big social circle to alleviate the boredom..r one/both be actual gamers..that can stay clean but lose themselves in something as time ticks w/out expectations/resentment building.

 

Ah I see.

 

See normally I am a pretty big gamer. Lately with study it's hard and when I did I was not interested in the games she was playing (and I introduced her to them) because I was just so sick of seeing it and being surroudned in it.

 

She has a closer group of friends than I do. Me, I hang out with uni mates, work mates, high school mates but no real "group". She was similar until the mutual friend and her friends. But she's also 2-4 years older than them... although honestly you'd never know the way she acts with them.

 

I knew it was too early to move in though, it was fun at first. But she hated being home, because her parents never let her play games all night, or laze about the house. Now she can??

[sinnister]

Ah I see.

 

See normally I am a pretty big gamer. Lately with study it's hard and when I did I was not interested in the games she was playing (and I introduced her to them) because I was just so sick of seeing it and being surroudned in it.

 

She has a closer group of friends than I do. Me, I hang out with uni mates, work mates, high school mates but no real "group". She was similar until the mutual friend and her friends. But she's also 2-4 years older than them... although honestly you'd never know the way she acts with them.

 

I knew it was too early to move in though, it was fun at first. But she hated being home, because her parents never let her play games all night, or laze about the house. Now she can??

Yeah..ure her transition to actual adulthood...I mean damn! Who wouldn't let a grown person game when they want. Again, probably was nagging her about working if she had the energy/time for gaming...you were the parent that didn't nag...cept about the cleaning. That was ur eventual role, with sex...then I guess naturally that would fall off as the dynamic doesn't stay attractive. Had u not moved in together, you'll prob be the smarty rebel to her/rescuer n would've had your own spaces to keep it fresh. You have to be marriage compatible/mature for a move-in r/s.

[Kodo]

Yeah..ure her transition to actual adulthood...I mean damn! Who wouldn't let a grown person game when they want. Again, probably was nagging her about working if she had the energy/time for gaming...you were the parent that didn't nag...cept about the cleaning. That was ur eventual role, with sex...then I guess naturally that would fall off as the dynamic doesn't stay attractive. Had u not moved in together, you'll prob be the smarty rebel to her/rescuer n would've had your own spaces to keep it fresh. You have to be marriage compatible/mature for a move-in r/s.

 

And that's where I thought it was going. After the first break up I thought she'd come backm ature, had her party life and was ready to settle, especially since I had gotten myself back into school etc.

 

But towards the end she was starting to reject the idea of marriage, kids, etc.

 

I know her past experiences had ruined her outlook on kids, but when I first met her she was all for it before she was 30...

[sinnister]

And that's where I thought it was going. After the first break up I thought she'd come backm ature, had her party life and was ready to settle, especially since I had gotten myself back into school etc.

 

But towards the end she was starting to reject the idea of marriage, kids, etc.

 

I know her past experiences had ruined her outlook on kids, but when I first met her she was all for it before she was 30...

 

Same here...mine supposedly was a partier before all the parties were dull, lol. Wanted the good life and a man that will make it fun. I wanted a good girl that could party as hard as I wanted but still stay/want to be classy/spoiled/trophied/toured n still intellectual, which she was and wanted to always be. Ours simply relapsed when there were fickle difficulties. Not your fault...they're good about getting exactly what they want, but not knowing what it is. Maybe we're here when they do again.

[Kodo]

Same here...mine supposedly was a partier before all the parties were dull, lol. Wanted the good life and a man that will make it fun. I wanted a good girl that could party as hard as I wanted but still stay/want to be classy/spoiled/trophied/toured n still intellectual, which she was and wanted to always be. Ours simply relapsed when there were fickle difficulties. Not your fault...they're good about getting exactly what they want, but not knowing what it is. Maybe we're here when they do again.

 

I dunno if I'd last through this again. I still feel like I'm in denial and disbelief about the whole thing.

 

I'd like to think though that by deleting her on facebook (something she does seem to look at daily, if not several per day) didn't destroy any last chance to fix things.

[Kodo]

Sometimes I feel like NC is going to destroy any chance of being with her again. I dunno why these feelings always creep up on me. Always in the morning too.

 

I feel like a 'clever' thing to do would be to send her small irrelevant messages (maybe comments about the games we both played on our PCs) just to keep me there in her thoughts. And then it'll leave her wondering what is going on but when she looks to me she'll see I'm keeping active and will start to seriously consider her decision.

[D-Lish]

Hi K,

 

From the perspective of someone that's been in a relationship with someone that was too busy for me, I can tell you, it begins to eat away at you. I describe it as being lonley, even though you're not alone...

 

It's hard when you want to connect with someone and they can't/won't reciprocate. I think by the time you did make a small effort to take her out or do something with her, she was already far too resentful to appreciate it.

 

You said yourself, when you had free time, you didn't want to engage her. You had school and work as a priority, and when you had time to take a break- you wanted to do it alone. I'm sure she wasn't perfect, but I can see how she built the resentment and eventually bailed again.

 

To be honest, it seems like the only time you give her attention is when she breaks up with you. You don't want to make any effort when she is there, but when she leaves... Why do you think that is?

 

From everything you wrote, it isn't indicative of someone that is enthusiastic about being in a relationship.

[Kodo]

 

You said yourself, when you had free time, you didn't want to engage her. You had school and work as a priority, and when you had time to take a break- you wanted to do it alone. I'm sure she wasn't perfect, but I can see how she built the resentment and eventually bailed again.

.

 

That was only recently though, this year after studying. I'd offer to go on weekends (or be clever and set a night up) and she'd not want to. She'd act as if I've now disrupted her plans.

 

I don't understand how I'm supposed to fight force with force.

 

On a selfish note, she never once enquired about my studies. And she has studies too (which she never did) and it was the perfect time for us to both study.

 

The issue is she acted happy. I'd finish a test, have a weekend free and she's already made plans with the girls. I'd offer a movie instead and she wouldn't compromise. She'd prefer to get home at 4AM. I cant' do that when I start work at 6AM... I work 16+ hours every weekend, sometimes 21 (in most cases 21 because her mutual friend always wanted to go out with her and take the day off so I covered it at work).

 

Or I'd suggest a night at home together and she'd instead wake up at 4AM to play games online with friends rather than spend it with me.

 

This lead to the rough last couple months. I didn't mind that she had her own thigns to do around the house, but I hated how she'd do exactly what she didn't want me to do.

 

She'd tell me every day she loved me, but tell others she didn't. She was dropping the L word days after getting back a year ago and I was trying to show her that we need to slow down. Straight back in my life, dropping the L bomb, wanting to move in with me within months... it's like that 1 year a part never happened for her.

 

 

I have 30+ contact hours at university, work 16-21 hour weekends. Friday nights are the best for me to do something. I made this clear from the start. She said that was fine. We'd still go on weekends where possible but quite frankly I was over the clubbing scene. I've been doing it for 6+ years. She seemed too until she started going out with these younger girls.

 

I'd like to think I was honest about it. I wanted the relationship but I just needed space. I made it very clear the best times for us would be holidays and weekends. I'm about to hit holidays and have all the time in the world now. :/

 

If she had of stopped acting happy and telling me things were so perfect and said "look I feel like I really need time with you this weekend" I'd have done something immediately and then proposed a way to make a consistent effort. **** I was resenting her too towards the end, but I didnt' want her gone. That's why I took her out that night and even got a membership at the place I took her too so we could make it regular.

Edited June 1, 2011 by Kodo

[D-Lish]

Sounds like the two of you were incompatible for the long run.

 

She wanted you to be there for her in a certain way for so long when you couldn't be- and by the time you could be, she'd built up too much resentment to accept it when you could give it to her. Happens in a lot of relationships, and oftenn goes back and forth.

 

I don't think you can chalk these situations up as your fault, her fault... Just a combination of the two on top of other things like timing and circumstance.

 

Do you really think deleting someone from facebook negates an entire relationship? Do you think it's ruined any chances of getting back together some day??? Don't be silly! She's probably hurt over it, but deleting her was a mature decision on your part. You don't need to be seeing her life play out on a daily basis.

 

Stick to the NC- and that also means not getting updates from friends about what she is doing.

[Kodo]

Sounds like the two of you were incompatible for the long run.

 

I guess that's what it came down to really. It's a shame we made only 1-1.5 years this time compared to 3 years the first time.

 

The hurtful part is this time I've actually got my life on track. I'm studying full time, doing well at work, bigger network of friends, more busy and less lazy and this time didn't even make it half-way. :/

 

I don't think you can chalk these situations up as your fault, her fault... Just a combination of the two on top of other things like timing and circumstance.

I try not to. I guess I just really blame myself for my part. I try not to blame her. I just wish there had been that extra layer of communication. The ability to consider better compromise. A means to respond to the situation rather than just react.

 

Do you really think deleting someone from facebook negates an entire relationship? Do you think it's ruined any chances of getting back together some day??? Don't be silly! She's probably hurt over it, but deleting her was a mature decision on your part. You don't need to be seeing her life play out on a daily basis.

Perhaps I'm just over analysing it. I thought maybe she'd see the change and that'd help patch things up. The fact she messaged me there instead of texting just made me think that she was trying to keep a fragile avenue open and I've closed it and put a wall between us. And when her mutual friend (who probably knows her as well as I) makes comments like "oh that was a bad move you'll make it easier for her to move on". But then she won't provide any more information than that. Really hits you hard.

 

Stick to the NC- and that also means not getting updates from friends about what she is doing.

Will do. I've been 'avoiding' mutual friends lately. Only responding to them in conversation but providing little input (politely of course).

[D-Lish]

I guess that's what it came down to really. It's a shame we made only 1-1.5 years this time compared to 3 years the first time.

 

The hurtful part is this time I've actually got my life on track. I'm studying full time, doing well at work, bigger network of friends, more busy and less lazy and this time didn't even make it half-way. :/

 

I try not to. I guess I just really blame myself for my part. I try not to blame her. I just wish there had been that extra layer of communication. The ability to consider better compromise. A means to respond to the situation rather than just react.

 

Perhaps I'm just over analysing it. I thought maybe she'd see the change and that'd help patch things up. The fact she messaged me there instead of texting just made me think that she was trying to keep a fragile avenue open and I've closed it and put a wall between us. And when her mutual friend (who probably knows her as well as I) makes comments like "oh that was a bad move you'll make it easier for her to move on". But then she won't provide any more information than that. Really hits you hard.

 

Will do. I've been 'avoiding' mutual friends lately. Only responding to them in conversation but providing little input (politely of course).

 

Look, you guys have a whole lot of history together, and I know from experience how hard that is to let it go.

 

You didn't screw up by deleting her from facebook. You've said she's been out getting drunk and having one night stands- how is THAT less of an issue than you deleting her? If anything, in your shoes, I'd be thinking that's more of a deal breaker... You took her off your facebook because it's painful to see what's going on in her life (innocuous)- she's been sleeping with people.... How have you screwed up getting back together more than she has given this circumstance???

[Kodo]

Look, you guys have a whole lot of history together, and I know from experience how hard that is to let it go.

 

You didn't screw up by deleting her from facebook. You've said she's been out getting drunk and having one night stands- how is THAT less of an issue than you deleting her? If anything, in your shoes, I'd be thinking that's more of a deal breaker... You took her off your facebook because it's painful to see what's going on in her life (innocuous)- she's been sleeping with people.... How have you screwed up getting back together more than she has given this circumstance???

 

By hook up I meant just pashing randoms in clubs taking trashy photos. I'd have no idea who she's actually slept with and nor do I want to find out if so.

 

You're right, it doesn't. I guess maybe some of it is even part of her resentment. But yeah you're right. It helps to have a logical outside perspective. Thank you.