Kodo Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 (edited) First off I apologise for the one time post. I like to think of situations like these as paying forward. I work as a manager while studying full time at college and I like to think I can lead others through their daily tasks and I also do community work. When people need help in other ways I help where I can. But relationships, as you're about to see I can't help myself very well. So while I may be another new face here begging for help, please understand I help elsewhere. Well it seems I'm on my own. To cut a long story short: -Was with a girl for 3 years, she broke it off to take off with someone else (because of my neglect due to laziness) and she returns a year later (after moving to another state) and I can sincerely say it was the worst experience of her life. -We date for a year. In that time I'm really wound up with my studies. She moves in with me relatively soon (due to pressure from her parents to move out if she is going to spend nights a week at my place). -I manage to complete my course and move into further study. However I'm a little too focussed on my studies (but honest about it and she can see that). -She becomes extremely lazy aroun the house. Always having to make her clean up. -She goes out with friends and I'm usually not around, a combination of work/study or me wanting to kind of sit at home because I don't have to work or study. In some cases she heads out with friends who bring their partners and this really eats at her core (I admit being a little blind to the damage it was causing) -She did mention she wanted to move back because she was so stressed (and her parents were telling her she looked stressed and sick). She tells me she loves me etc the night before she takes her work belongings and moves back to her parents house. She suddenly switches personality and refuses to talk to me etc. She leaves all her belongings at my place (EVERYTHING she owned). -2 days later she collects her entire belongings. Does it when she knew I wouldn't be home because I was out with a mutual friend (who has known me longer). -I drive down to her parents place to apologise for the neglect (not all, just some as I said some was study the other was me just wanting space a little too often). She says he doesn't even remember what she said that night and when I try to remind her in a real harsh tone she says something along the lines of "Fine that's what I said then". She sits there the whole time just nodding her head at the things that I KNOW were causing her problems (her friends had told me she would gossip about it with them). -She can't even look me in the eyes when we're talking, I reached out and brought her face up to look at mine and she actually diverts her eyes away from me (but didn't back off when I lifted her chin up). I basically said I can't control her decision and I accept it and will let her go. She hasn't blocked my phone number and so far she still has me on her facebook. -She had told a mutual friend that she wanted to move back to her parents place but she didn't think I'd see it like that. She was convinced I'd see it ONLY as a break up (which wasn't true, I really wanted her to move out a few times recently, but not be apart forever, then she just suddenly snaps into ice mode). -Why did I take her back? I got her life changed. She had a full-time job (on her preferred career path) near my place, got her involved at a gym and introduced her to a lot of mutual friends which really increased her social network. I suppose I just want to hear criticism. This is probably one biased post so feel free to ask any questions. Personally I can see where I might have neglected her but I just wanted my space, she was in my damn house everyday! Sometime I'd want to do things and she'd just sit around the house on the computer and act like I've disturbed her when I tried to talk to her. I've read a lot of no-contact posts and even lurked around a few other posts. But I suppose I just want to be a little selfish and just talk to people. Talking with mutual friends just makes them uncomfortable.. please ask any questions you like, I don't care how personal or how many. I don't care how harsh the criticism is, I just want it honest. From anyone. Edited May 2, 2011 by Kodo
Author Kodo Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 (edited) 42 views but nothing? I'd settle for insults right about now. :/ I forgot to mention.. this was last time I was here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=169305&highlight=poiter I forgot the password for the e-mail account for that username so had to make a new one. :/ What should i do? I can't believe I've ****ed up twice now... Edited May 2, 2011 by Kodo
TragicAlliance Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Yeah, I seem to have this problem on some of my threads too. I pour out my heart, people read, nothing comes of it. Maybe it's because I'm wordy though. Who knows. =) Anyway, I hope you had not planned on getting more serious with her or marrying her, because it almost sounds like you're a bit of a commitment-phobe. That or you were just too busy to be able to properly nurture a relationship. The latter was one of the MAJOR reasons my ex and I are no longer together. He was ALWAYS busy doing his own thing, to the point that I felt extremely neglected and lonely. The difference between him and you, though, is that he claims he was completely unaware of how bad I felt when he'd go off and desert me for days at a time... even though I'd tell him all the time I was unhappy. But I digress. You, however, seem to be aware of your situation. It seems she ended up getting like me... tired of it. She may have been feeling isolated - you mention how badly it hurt her when she'd go out and you wouldn't, and then she'd wind up being a third wheel. Being a third wheel SUCKS. She may have started to resent you for being so busy, and she may have been able to detect your "I want my space!" desires, whether you were hinting subtly or blatantly declaring it. And after a while, she may have just simply had enough and decided to throw in the towel and look for greener pastures. That could explain why when YOU wanted to do things, she would seem offended if you approached her... she may have been trying to give you a taste of your own medicine. It seems that she may be someone who requires a little more time than other people when it comes to the time you spend together in a relationship. You are clearly independent and busy focusing on yourself and helping other people - that's great! In order to be able to love someone else, you have to love yourself first. However, you may not be ready to pursue long-term relationships at this point in time due to your time constraints. LTRs definitely require a lot of time and energy! You have to be willing AND able to compromise - not one or the other. If you can't (or won't) do both, then the relationship is not worth keeping... to you or to the other person involved. You've got a lot on your shoulders right now... don't overwhelm yourself by trying to take on too much at once! If you don't have the time for a LTR right now, don't fret... when the time is right, it'll happen. =)
Author Kodo Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Yeah, I seem to have this problem on some of my threads too. I pour out my heart, people read, nothing comes of it. Maybe it's because I'm wordy though. Who knows. =) Anyway, I hope you had not planned on getting more serious with her or marrying her, because it almost sounds like you're a bit of a commitment-phobe. That or you were just too busy to be able to properly nurture a relationship. The latter was one of the MAJOR reasons my ex and I are no longer together. He was ALWAYS busy doing his own thing, to the point that I felt extremely neglected and lonely. The difference between him and you, though, is that he claims he was completely unaware of how bad I felt when he'd go off and desert me for days at a time... even though I'd tell him all the time I was unhappy. But I digress. You, however, seem to be aware of your situation. It seems she ended up getting like me... tired of it. She may have been feeling isolated - you mention how badly it hurt her when she'd go out and you wouldn't, and then she'd wind up being a third wheel. Being a third wheel SUCKS. She may have started to resent you for being so busy, and she may have been able to detect your "I want my space!" desires, whether you were hinting subtly or blatantly declaring it. And after a while, she may have just simply had enough and decided to throw in the towel and look for greener pastures. That could explain why when YOU wanted to do things, she would seem offended if you approached her... she may have been trying to give you a taste of your own medicine. It seems that she may be someone who requires a little more time than other people when it comes to the time you spend together in a relationship. You are clearly independent and busy focusing on yourself and helping other people - that's great! In order to be able to love someone else, you have to love yourself first. However, you may not be ready to pursue long-term relationships at this point in time due to your time constraints. LTRs definitely require a lot of time and energy! You have to be willing AND able to compromise - not one or the other. If you can't (or won't) do both, then the relationship is not worth keeping... to you or to the other person involved. You've got a lot on your shoulders right now... don't overwhelm yourself by trying to take on too much at once! If you don't have the time for a LTR right now, don't fret... when the time is right, it'll happen. =) It's funny you say that, I personally don't consider myself a commitment-phobe. I love the idea of a long term relationship. Definitely too busy. In the time I had free from study I just really felt cramped by her. She see's herself going out alone and I saw myself having a break. Keep in mind I don't have double standards. When I said I was frustrated when I tried to encourage her to go out and her lack of care to do so, I was pissed off because I had tried to do what she wanted and NOW she didn't want it? I never ask from others what I wouldn't do myself. If I couldn't take her out because I was busy, I didn't expect her to do so if she was busy or wanted a break. I should have seen this coming on the last night out. She was so uninterested and... weird? And now it's a complete brain snap... and I have a whole previous thread to refer to and I still ****ed up!
TragicAlliance Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Don't beat yourself up too badly... self-pity and wallowing in misery will NOT give you another shot with her (if that's what you're hoping for). From personal experience... initially after a break-up, you sort of DO want to know that your ex is hurting, miserable, missing you, and all of that. It makes you feel needed, and makes you feel vindicated. But after a while... if you do not go NC with your ex and the two of you are in negotiations to reconcile... if you continue on with the woe-is-me and the pity parties, you only annoy your ex and push them away. Usually they've either had their fun toying with you and the dramatics are now dull or they add on your anguish as another one of those traits that caused you two to split up in the first place. Perhaps you aren't a commitment-phobe - I've only seen one side of the story so I can't make an accurate judgement. But you are definitely swamped with other engagements and appointments. If you're really interested in pursuing a LTR again, inform your potential mate straight-up that you are quite busy and that there may be times that they have to plan on being without you. If they can't accept that, move on. Honesty is the best policy, even though it could sometimes seem like it's shooting you in the foot. As far as the being blindsided goes... that hurts like hell. My first ex-boyfriend blindsided me by tricking me into thinking everything was perfectly fine and then, out of the blue, handed me a letter that said I was draining him emotionally. I was so stunned that I collapsed in a heap after it hit me. Unfortunately, we can get so wrapped up with other things that we fail to see the tiny differences that are basically screaming "Hey! If you don't pay attention to this NOW, you're going to wind up getting seriously burned!" Instead of bashing yourself for not seeing the signs, take it as one of those hard-learned life lessons. Experience is the greatest teacher... appreciate the lesson you've learned and take comfort in knowing that you may be better prepared in the future.
Author Kodo Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 As far as the being blindsided goes... that hurts like hell. My first ex-boyfriend blindsided me by tricking me into thinking everything was perfectly fine and then, out of the blue, handed me a letter that said I was draining him emotionally. I was so stunned that I collapsed in a heap after it hit me. Unfortunately, we can get so wrapped up with other things that we fail to see the tiny differences that are basically screaming "Hey! If you don't pay attention to this NOW, you're going to wind up getting seriously burned!" Instead of bashing yourself for not seeing the signs, take it as one of those hard-learned life lessons. Experience is the greatest teacher... appreciate the lesson you've learned and take comfort in knowing that you may be better prepared in the future. I appreciate your words. I'm trying to believe this paragraph in particular because I can't help but feel I've made the same mistake twice. Sure the dynamics might be slightly different but it feels like the same one. In your case, do you personally think that it was your duty to recognise those small signs? Should you have to interpret them rather than hear them directly?
Author Kodo Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Well seems like she's already having her drunk "girls nights out" and hooking up with randoms for the sake of it... yet why can't I see the ****ing negativity in this?! Why can't I do anything other harbour the pain inside and keep it there? Soon enough she'll start meeting up with guys that she might not normally have had an interest in which seems like her clingy way. I've got no-one to tlak to.
TragicAlliance Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 The expression "love is blind" isn't that far from the truth, is it? It sounds like you are still wrapped up in your attachment to her, which is causing you to look past and/or ignore the fact she's toxic to you. With time, you'll start to see her more clearly for what she is, and you'll let go. I know it sound cliched, but it's also the truth. She sounds like she's one of those types who believes she MUST be in a relationship to be happy. If she's this type of person, she will rebound quickly to avoid being alone... and she'll try to hook up with anyone that looks in her direction. Unfortunately this is a negative lifestyle for her and anyone who winds up with her... the relationships usually are short-lived, as there was often no foundation for the relationship to build on. She'll then "move on" to her next partner... and the cycle will go on. The best thing you can do for yourself is to cut your losses and resume focusing on yourself and your studies. She needs to find a way to work through and overcome her severe dependency issues, and your staying around may be enabling her. (I know it may sound sideways, but if you're clinging to HER, then it reinforces her own clinginess as a positive attribute. We are greatly influenced by the people that are around us, after all!) Again, when the time is right, the perfect person for you will enter your life. One of the things that we, as emotional creatures, do is try to rush into love and make it work - even if the chances of any given relationship is less than a snowball's chance in Hell. We want to be loved, and nobody wants to be alone. Because of this, we'll try to force things and get impatient - and that's just asking for trouble. Just lay back, be patient, and let things come as they will. You'll be much happier with the results, believe me! ...And to answer your question about who is responsible for picking up on subtle signs. I think that BOTH people should always be observing closely for little hints that something may be amiss. I don't mean that you get obsessive and over-analytical, but don't be afraid to speak up when you think you notice something that may be out of place. There may be absolutely nothing wrong, or there may be something major wrong... either way, your partner will be glad to see you at least making an effort and showing concern. Just be careful about over-analyzing things... I am SO guilty of that, it's not even funny. I've gotten better in recent months, but I still have had times where I flipped my lid over what I thought was a sign, and then he was left trying to figure out what just happened. Some people, me being one of them, will resort to subtle hints rather than direct confrontation because they need to be reassured that their partner is paying attention to them. If their partner picks up on the hints themselves, then they become happy because they believe their partner is taking a proactive approach to things. However, if their partner can't pick up on the signs, or doesn't pick up, then the person may get upset, angry, or resentful as they believe their partner is being aloof and lacking concern. Again, it's probably better to speak up when you think you notice something wrong as opposed to not saying anything and then coming off as you're not paying attention.
Author Kodo Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 The expression "love is blind" isn't that far from the truth, is it? Definitely not. And that's actually quite a spin you put on it. This is normally something I associate with small things that aren't necessarily positive or negative. For example I may not like her choice in certain TV shows...no big deal really. But in this case.. it's quite a truth. It sounds like you are still wrapped up in your attachment to her, which is causing you to look past and/or ignore the fact she's toxic to you. With time, you'll start to see her more clearly for what she is, and you'll let go. I know it sound cliched, but it's also the truth. I can accept the end but I can't do anything about the pain. I can read over and over about her new 'adventures' but I can't just... take it? I find it hard to see anything other than the past. Or what could have been if I'd been more strategic. She sounds like she's one of those types who believes she MUST be in a relationship to be happy. If she's this type of person, she will rebound quickly to avoid being alone... and she'll try to hook up with anyone that looks in her direction. Unfortunately this is a negative lifestyle for her and anyone who winds up with her... the relationships usually are short-lived, as there was often no foundation for the relationship to build on. She'll then "move on" to her next partner... and the cycle will go on. I agree. It's what happened the first time... but what I don't understand is how me and her last 3 years the first time then 15 months the second time... never before with anyone else has that happened with her. Her first rebound (and our first break up) was probably 4 months but she didn't contact me for 5 months after that. The best thing you can do for yourself is to cut your losses and resume focusing on yourself and your studies. She needs to find a way to work through and overcome her severe dependency issues, and your staying around may be enabling her. (I know it may sound sideways, but if you're clinging to HER, then it reinforces her own clinginess as a positive attribute. We are greatly influenced by the people that are around us, after all!) A the same time I have been avoiding her personally. I sent a message the night I dropped off the horse picture saying I accept the decision of hers to break up, glad she had heard my apologies (I know those where what she wanted to hear) and wished her the best. No contact since. Not through mutual friends either. I haven't blocked or deleted on Facebook though... that's t he only thing. She hasn't blocked or deleted me either.. or any family. I just wanted to see if she made that move herself. Some people, me being one of them, will resort to subtle hints rather than direct confrontation because they need to be reassured that their partner is paying attention to them. If their partner picks up on the hints themselves, then they become happy because they believe their partner is taking a proactive approach to things. However, if their partner can't pick up on the signs, or doesn't pick up, then the person may get upset, angry, or resentful as they believe their partner is being aloof and lacking concern. Again, it's probably better to speak up when you think you notice something wrong as opposed to not saying anything and then coming off as you're not paying attention. Something so simple that I never learned in all my time. I really appreciate the responses you've provided me. I sincerely do.
TragicAlliance Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 It almost makes you wonder if someone out there created Facebook and other social networking sites like that just to make it difficult to get over bad relationships and nasty friendships, huh? Facebook causes so much drama and chaos sometimes that you gotta wonder if it's worth it... Personal take on it, though. You're moving in the right direction by not speaking with her, asking for updates through mutual friends, or trying to find her in person. But it's that dreaded Facebook that's keeping you trapped... I COMPLETELY relate! I left my ex about a month ago but STILL have him on my Facebook... even though reading his posts make me seethe with jealousy or become outrageously depressed when I read something I don't want to know about. (Even though he doesn't appear to be dating anybody new and is instead trying to reconcile with me... it's reading those posts about how happy he is when he's off doing his own thing that draws my ire. It's sad, I know, but it's true...) It's a little funny when you put it in perspective. We can ignore texts, disregard emails, conveniently forget to answer (or even turn on) our phones... but hitting that Delete Friend button on Facebook? It's like that damn button has a force-field around it! I think that if you managed to hit that blasted button, you'd feel much better. Her posts wouldn't be on your feed for you to read and be unable to deal with, and, provided you didn't start stalking her by searching for her, you'll eventually move from "I can't stand hearing about her doing this!" to "She's doing this? Oh, well, I guess if that's what she wants" to finally, "That's nice, but I have more important things to think about." I think the same applies to me... I'd stop a whole lot of grief on my part if I could just hit that button. But I guess there's something strangely "permanent" about hitting that button. Not to mention that once you do it, you can't take it back unless you re-friend... which sends them a message asking permission... which could be taken as an insult to them. And, unless they've done something unforgivable or just downright vicious, you don't want to truly hurt them... Unless you're just spiteful, which I can tell you are not.
Author Kodo Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 It almost makes you wonder if someone out there created Facebook and other social networking sites like that just to make it difficult to get over bad relationships and nasty friendships, huh? Facebook causes so much drama and chaos sometimes that you gotta wonder if it's worth it... Personal take on it, though. You're moving in the right direction by not speaking with her, asking for updates through mutual friends, or trying to find her in person. But it's that dreaded Facebook that's keeping you trapped... I COMPLETELY relate! I left my ex about a month ago but STILL have him on my Facebook... even though reading his posts make me seethe with jealousy or become outrageously depressed when I read something I don't want to know about. (Even though he doesn't appear to be dating anybody new and is instead trying to reconcile with me... it's reading those posts about how happy he is when he's off doing his own thing that draws my ire. It's sad, I know, but it's true...) It's a little funny when you put it in perspective. We can ignore texts, disregard emails, conveniently forget to answer (or even turn on) our phones... but hitting that Delete Friend button on Facebook? It's like that damn button has a force-field around it! I think that if you managed to hit that blasted button, you'd feel much better. Her posts wouldn't be on your feed for you to read and be unable to deal with, and, provided you didn't start stalking her by searching for her, you'll eventually move from "I can't stand hearing about her doing this!" to "She's doing this? Oh, well, I guess if that's what she wants" to finally, "That's nice, but I have more important things to think about." I think the same applies to me... I'd stop a whole lot of grief on my part if I could just hit that button. But I guess there's something strangely "permanent" about hitting that button. Not to mention that once you do it, you can't take it back unless you re-friend... which sends them a message asking permission... which could be taken as an insult to them. And, unless they've done something unforgivable or just downright vicious, you don't want to truly hurt them... Unless you're just spiteful, which I can tell you are not. Sometimes I think I have a personal issue though. I'm not spiteful, but I have to prove something to those around me. I've recently come across a book about personal development. I think it might do me some good to read it. In a way I want to leave it there as that small possibility for her to come back. Like the first time. I've got myself convinced that taking all this pain is worth it to fix things. I don't know why it's just this aspect of my life. When it comes to absolution in other things I can grieve or move on appropriately. When my 18 year old dog (justabout the same age as me at the time) was put down in my arms I grieved. But not once did I sit there wishing for some miracle to bring her back. I could see the logic in the situation. She was gone. When I received her ashes I didn't experience any other emotion either. Infact I found closure. My companion was gone and no amount of wishing could bring it back. And then when it comes to love, it's just a mess. I find myself in panic almost instantly. In my line of work I'm expected to perform in severe emergencies. And I do it like a robot. But with love.. it's just a mess.
Author Kodo Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 No-one else able to chime in with advice? I've been sitting here for hours contemplating unfriending on Facebook. I just can't bring myself to do it... she's still tagged in all our photos. Not that that really matters anyway when someone is out actively moving on or trying to.
TragicAlliance Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Unfortunately, in the short time I've been on here, I've learned that you can't exactly count on people to pony up advice. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. Apparently you're in the same boat as me - they just want to read and go onto something else. I still think you need to defriend her. MUCH easier said than done... and it's definitely a hypocritical statement on my part, as my ex is still on mine. Remove her tags from photos, or, if you have the access to do so, delete them altogether. And, if you're afraid of further damage... block her. (And if you want to go a step even further than that, change your page settings so she can't see yours.) You don't need to let yourself continue to be hurt by her. You want to do good for people and seem to be a very good-hearted person. You deserve to be treated with respect and love... nothing less. Her actions are blatantly saying she doesn't care about your feelings, and your sadness and attachment is letting her have control over you. NOBODY should be allowed to control you. She may be convinced that you're going to remain waiting in the wings in case her rebounds fail and she needs someone to cry to... and seriously, is being a secondary - someone in reserve - something you want to be? I couldn't accept being a secondary to my ex's hobbies... hence I am now single. I know that it's hard to let go... believe me, I know... but once you let go and hit that Delete button, you'll feel the proverbial weight come off your chest, and you'll feel better for it in the end. Snag a friend to confide in when you're feeling weak... someone who will be honest and direct with you when you want to talk seriously... or someone who will be able to distract you and make you smile when you need to be cheered up. When you get a good friend to back you up, you'll get over this painful time in your life a whole lot faster... and with a lot less heartache on your part. You'll be just fine, and you'll find someone who will treat you right... Have faith! =)
Author Kodo Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 You don't need to let yourself continue to be hurt by her. You want to do good for people and seem to be a very good-hearted person. You deserve to be treated with respect and love... nothing less. Her actions are blatantly saying she doesn't care about your feelings, and your sadness and attachment is letting her have control over you. NOBODY should be allowed to control you. She may be convinced that you're going to remain waiting in the wings in case her rebounds fail and she needs someone to cry to... and seriously, is being a secondary - someone in reserve - something you want to be? I couldn't accept being a secondary to my ex's hobbies... hence I am now single. is that so true after my neglect though? I was just so cramped with her completely moved in 24/7 that her going out without me was so free. I didn't want her gone altogether, just momentarily. I know I got mad and threatened her to move out and taker her stuff... then retracting the statement later when it turns out she wasn't ignoring me she didn't have her phone. But I was just so on edge! It's almost as if she's in the mindset I was before the break up and I'm now thinking the way she was before she, in her words "snapped" and started moving on. I doubt she'd cry to me though. She never had the friends she does now. I'd say she'd cry to them. Just like they are the ones who take her out now or heard all her problems before hand.
TragicAlliance Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 The emotional switch-up, hm? I think that's happened with me and my ex. Suddenly I'm the one who is putting up walls and keeping distant while he's constantly trying to talk to me. It's weird how that happens... I wouldn't say it's the concept of "the grass is greener on the other side," but it's awfully close. And it also kind of helps you see the other person's perspective when you suddenly find yourself experiencing it firsthand... nothing demonstrates better than personal experience. My ex and I had drastically different outlooks on relationships. He believed we needed to go off and do our own things and not be together that much; I was more in the mindset that we should do things together that we BOTH enjoyed. It was because of this difference that we were constantly stepping on each other's toes - he was always telling me to do my own thing; I found myself getting upset because I was alone more than I liked. Do I love my ex? Despite everything that's gone on between he and I lately, yes, absolutely I do. But do I think he and I have a chance at maintaining a healthy, happy relationship? Not at all. I get the feeling, from reading everything you've said, that you fell right into this trap. You have feelings for her and you wanted it to work, but unfortunately, you can't force a square peg into a round hole... I also can relate with that "I was on edge and got mad when I thought she was ignoring me" deal. Oh, I can so relate. If I had a dollar for everytime I overreacted, I'd probably not have to work a day in my life. But remember - you're human! Mistakes are going to happen, no matter how careful or meticulous you are in life. If you apologized to her and genuinely meant it, then you shouldn't dwell on or beat yourself up over a simple mistake. That may be easier said than done, especially if she held a grudge against you for that or if she never said she forgave you. Everyone has their "off days," and nobody is perfect... no matter how many people out there are convinced they are. In the end, everybody should be treated with love and respect... even if they were previously "neglectful," obsessive, possessive, or anything else that I probably missed. Your neglect seems to be completely accidental - I'm not convinced you were out to harm her. If you're seeking redemption for this, you will find it if you put in the time and effort. It may not necessarily be with her, but you'll get redemption with time. You can only get stronger from this experience, no matter how weak you feel along the way.
Author Kodo Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 The emotional switch-up, hm? I think that's happened with me and my ex. Suddenly I'm the one who is putting up walls and keeping distant while he's constantly trying to talk to me. It's weird how that happens... I wouldn't say it's the concept of "the grass is greener on the other side," but it's awfully close. And it also kind of helps you see the other person's perspective when you suddenly find yourself experiencing it firsthand... nothing demonstrates better than personal experience. My ex and I had drastically different outlooks on relationships. He believed we needed to go off and do our own things and not be together that much; I was more in the mindset that we should do things together that we BOTH enjoyed. It was because of this difference that we were constantly stepping on each other's toes - he was always telling me to do my own thing; I found myself getting upset because I was alone more than I liked. Do I love my ex? Despite everything that's gone on between he and I lately, yes, absolutely I do. But do I think he and I have a chance at maintaining a healthy, happy relationship? Not at all. I get the feeling, from reading everything you've said, that you fell right into this trap. You have feelings for her and you wanted it to work, but unfortunately, you can't force a square peg into a round hole... I also can relate with that "I was on edge and got mad when I thought she was ignoring me" deal. Oh, I can so relate. If I had a dollar for everytime I overreacted, I'd probably not have to work a day in my life. But remember - you're human! Mistakes are going to happen, no matter how careful or meticulous you are in life. If you apologized to her and genuinely meant it, then you shouldn't dwell on or beat yourself up over a simple mistake. That may be easier said than done, especially if she held a grudge against you for that or if she never said she forgave you. Everyone has their "off days," and nobody is perfect... no matter how many people out there are convinced they are. In the end, everybody should be treated with love and respect... even if they were previously "neglectful," obsessive, possessive, or anything else that I probably missed. Your neglect seems to be completely accidental - I'm not convinced you were out to harm her. If you're seeking redemption for this, you will find it if you put in the time and effort. It may not necessarily be with her, but you'll get redemption with time. You can only get stronger from this experience, no matter how weak you feel along the way. I suppose that is what I want, redemption. Preferably with her. I feel like she's believing the "wrong truth" here. As soon as she backed off in the last few weeks that was when I was really looking forward to taking her out. And I did. I took her bowling and supposed to be dinner but she didn't want it.. again I got a little offended. It wasn't me. And now I have to live with the impression I left and learn with someone else. I think the fact this is our second break up is giving me twice the denial because of all the disbelief that this could happen again.
TragicAlliance Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I agree that you may be looking for redemption. For now, I think the best thing you can do is give her (and your affiliation with her) some space... step away from it for a while and focus on other things. Take a break from trying to do anything involving forming relationships other than friendships, and regain your composure. If you'd like, read up on emotional and psychological aspects involved in relationships... it may not help, but it certainly couldn't hurt. After a small hiatus, slowly work your way back into the dating world. If she and you are meant to be, then it won't matter how much time elapses before you are reunited. (My mother and stepfather were divorced for several YEARS before they reconciled and remarried... and they've been happy ever since! So believe me, it's very possible... it's rare, but possible!) Once you get over that feeling of denial and disbelief and can tell yourself, "I messed up this time..." and can ACCEPT it... you'll be on your way to healing and improving yourself. The thing is, though, you can't let yourself take the full brunt of the blame for this relationship not working out... she is also responsible. Relationships take two, not one. Just like convincing yourself you're the victim and totally blameless, convincing yourself that you're the sole reason things went wrong is an unhealthy approach and will ultimately prevent the healing process from progressing. Only time will tell what comes of everything... despite that, you can still manipulate the final outcome. Step back for a while, better yourself, and come back stronger. When that happens, your relationships will be a whole lot stronger, healthier, and more meaningful.
Author Kodo Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Well I lost myself and sent a message, hoping she is no longer stressed and living happier... I'm going to see a counsellor tomorrow, everytime I sleep I don't want to wake up. I dream about how things were and I wake up miserable. I've lost myself.
TragicAlliance Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 It's a good thing you're going to see a counselor tomorrow, especially if you're not wanting to wake up and having flashbacks in your dreams. It'll be good to get a professional's opinion and advice... I'm just a concerned stranger. Seeking assistance shows that you're trying to better and help yourself... staying positive is the only way you'll get through this. I, myself, am considering counseling for a few personal issues of my own... so good luck with this endeavor! Don't let yourself be discouraged by sending a message. Everyone is entitled to moments of weakness. You'll get over this as well and life will go on. I know how it feels to feel like you've "lost" yourself... but you aren't truly lost, you've just strayed from the path a little. Once you start getting things back in order in your life, you'll find the path again and it'll be much easier to traverse than it is now. Don't give up on yourself... I promise, you'll make it through this okay!
GrayClouds Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 This may not make you happy but I do not have a great deal of criticism for you (accept you may want to learn the word "brevity"- increases the likelihood for replies ) It sounds like to me you both started the relationship young and been together for a long time. There was a comfort and security (and affection for each other). Your both getting older and moving in different directions and need to find out who you are as individuals. It was one of the first relationships that helps you get better at your final relationship. While you both mad mistakes, your human, it also give each other the opportunity to experience what giving yourself over to someone feels like and how it can compliment your life. Still hard to let go but I suspect that it has run its course, so be kind, keep the good thought of the experience with you and allow pursue you life and find new passions and love. Good luck, and do not be too hard on her or yourself (which it sounds like the later comes a bit too easy for you).
Author Kodo Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 I still haven't deleted her? :/ I gave her a letter and asked her to delete me and told her I don't delete people but if they want me gone I expect them to delete me. Her response was "I'll delete you if you want OR you can delete me yourself" and went offline. The next day I sent a message saying "can you delete me please" as above and she never wrote back. She hasn't deleted me and said she never uses Facebook anyway. She's been online a lot lately and she also went through and deleted all our photos except 2. So much for not using Facebook. I dunno why I can't bring myself to delete her. part of me wants her to see me going out lately (something I couldn't do with her the last month or so due to study and jsut the fact I was around her 24/7). I dunno why I even think about someone who says they love you and will always be with you less than 24 hours before they take off and only 4 days before they go out and get pissed and pash with randoms on the dance floor.. :/
Fedor Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Insteading of deleting her, why dont you delete your Facebook or take a break from it. Stuff like social networking only complicates and furthers the problem. I know its hard, but I'm sure you will be able to work through this. Life can be amazing sometimes and dont forget that.
SoCal_Guy Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Kodo There are many similarities between your story and mine (it's under a thread called "How patient should I be?" on the Second Chances forum. Technically, I'm in a state of limbo with my ex on our second chance, but I won't hijack your thread. You can read up on mine if you want to (and offer advice to me). I can tell you that if I were you, I would remove her from your friends list on facebook. I did that during our break several months ago after I saw her change her profile pic to one of her and the other guy. It set me back months in my recovery and was the final straw. I felt so relieved after I removed her. Yes, I still wondered what she was doing, but it was truly better for me not to know. The best part is I already had her blocked on my news feed, but the profile pic came up on the right side of a photo album she was tagged in, so I saw it anyway. It really hurt me and made me feel pathetic. Long story short, we did attempt reconciling about a month after I did this, so obviously it did not affect things between us (silly that it would, if you think about it). She was never mad about me removing her from my friends list and she has since deleted her entire facebook account at the suggestion of her therapist. I am still searching for a lot of answers to other questions in my situation (and we are currently not seeing each other again while she gets over some issues), but one thing I have figured out is the pain of seeing something you don't want to see on facebook is not worth keeping her on your friends list. I would take her off. I can't guarantee you will feel less anxious, because I still was anxious about what she was up to, but I bet you feel a certain relief of knowing you have lessened the chance of seeing something that might hurt you.
Author Kodo Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 Sometimes I think I prefer the pain. It hits me real hard for a moment, might even lose composure for a minute.. but then suddenly it feels real and I accept it. As opposed to deleting it and blocking out whatever my mind conjures and never really knowing the truth. I dunno, I've always preferred the truth, no matter how hard or cold it is. As long as it feels real. I wish I could offer advice Socal, I really do. The only thing I think I can offer is just comfort or an ear to vent.
SoCal_Guy Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Kodo I prefer the truth, too, no matter how cold or hard it is. Can't argue with you there. Sometimes, I wish my ex would just level with me, too, but the type of person she is doesn't allow to open up that way sometimes. I don't think she intentionally hides things from me. I think she keeps them from me, because she is afraid of hurting me. Most would say that's selfish behavior and I've told her I'd rather her tell me the truth, even if it hurts me, than be nice. I think the common theme our exes have is they really don't realize how good of a guy they have until they spend time away from them.
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