Did I make a mistake pushing her into the arms..

[frenchmanfl]

Some have read my story so I won't bore anyone with the details. Except, just separated, kind of officially. 26 years total with my W, 3/4 of which spent married. Have a beautiful 10 year old boy.

 

Wife having an EA, which I could see escalate before my eyes. Prior to this I got the I love you but am not in love with you and everything else. I am 43, she 42...although we partied plenty together, I know because of a MLC she is feeling that she missed out. I have plenty to be guilty for, emotional absence, periods of financial insecurity and so much more. I kind of deserve this but we just moved to a new city ( to escape all of those old memories ) She came down with the same objective at least spoken out loud that this was a new start for the family. She came down first ( for 5 months ) and 4 of those I was getting calls as I was packing up our house etc about how she found the perfect place, school for our son, a new car for me....everything that sounds like a woman who is looking forward to our united future.

 

She got laid off from the job she came down here for and it was completely disgusting. She was booking business etc, it was pure politics of certain woman in her office in upper levels that were jealous. Everything went down hill for her, she had always been a success and this was the first time she got kicked in the teeth on the job. We were just about to close on a house down here and that crumbled right after it. My wife was dying for a house ( roots ) to decorate etc.

 

Unfortunately I was here to catch her fall, some other guy was. I know it started off as a friendship but he just kept singing the right tune and I knew something was going on, so I went against all my rules and checked her e-mail. There was an email between her and him, most of it was him driveling on, but she signed off " I love you ". I confronted her and she gave me all the classic lines to write off an EA " he's a friend etc ".

 

SO of course after this discovery things went down hill and i pushed for answers...i got very little...except she said she needed space and was going to move down to his apt ( under the continued premise that he was just a friend and that she would him and his roomate $ 250...yes this goon is 10 years her junior and still lives with roomates, doesn't wash his clothes but once a month...plays xbox...you get the picture...couldn't be farther from my wifes kind of man...but the emotional connection was made ).

 

So in her discussion about the move down there she said she would live down there for 2 days, weekends and the three other days up here in this house. I tried that for one night ( her going down there ) and I said no, that I couldn't deal with her here as I know she was texting him and even ran out of the house like it was on fire to go for a " bike ride " when I know she went to call him...you get the picture.

 

So my question is, by doing what I did only push her into his arms or have I maybe accelerated the process of her finding out what lies underneath this guys skin, that she is now living full time in a dorm atmosphere away from our house and our dogs and all of the comforts that come with that.

 

I also instituted an LC directive and am on my 2nd day. I went through hell for 6 months with suspicions etc. I may have been paranoid for the first three but then things started smelling bad. Then this guys girlfriend broke up with him...

 

Anyway, right now I am actually healing a little, almost scared because two weeks ago I was on my knees in pain and yearning to love my wife, but today I am forming a stone heart, which scares me because I love my family and worry that if it gets to it, that my heart can return if we finally get help.

 

Has anyone here pushed their spouse out very early in the game and seen faster results. I want to at least see if there could be a second chance, but we both have to reach that point. There is a huge rush in secret rendez vous etc. does diffusing all of the fun and putting without sneaking around, in the same place at the same time, all the time, push things along where I am fairly confident my wife will think " is this really what I want ? " or have I just sealed the deal ? Truth be told, my wife can be a right pain and it could be that he gets scared because he is single, care free and now he has a woman who expects a lot and is demanding. I could deal with it, because...

 

Thoughts ?

[frenchmanfl]

As a side note, on account of my email pry I actually have this pigs email address and you can't know how many times I have wanted to send him a message to the effect of " hey scumbag, you are about to ruin a marriage, a family...I hope you have eyes in the back of your head ". This guy was even in my house a few weeks ago ( I truly thought they were just friends then ). Should I do send him an e-mail ?

 

My " wife " may never forgive me but I may just cause a bump in the road.

 

Someone please stop me...

[You Go Girl]

No, don't email the guy. What would it accomplish? He's got your girl...and threats could be used against if it gets ugly, he could even call the police.

 

Ok, that aside...you did the right thing by forcing her to simply go live this life that she is currently imagining is some fairytale. Best if she goes total immersion into the playstation culture.

 

You are going to have to wait this one out, and then decide when she figures out if she still loves you, if you still love her.

 

So don't waste your time in depression and pining away for her. I know...easier said than done, right? But the clock is still ticking on your lifeline, and time stops for nobody. You might as well make this time to your advantage by doing things you've always wanted to do but put off for no good reason, taking inventory on how you can self-improve and implementing a plan, and very importantly, keep up your social life so that you aren't isolated.

[frenchmanfl]

Thank you go girl, the ps with threats to email were one of my brief moments of immaturity.

 

I am pleased to hear someone back up the possibility that this guy in concentrate added to the split family and her own comfortable space could kick her in the pants.

 

Depressed and pining, no more, in fact I feel quite in control, for the first time in a while. A switch went off. I know I love this woman but am just not sure if I can get past this. My goal now is to build my excitement for a new life and my hope is that I actually make her really think...oh snap...have I made the wrong decision " she has repeatedly expressed fear that she is ".

 

With a kid in the picture, I have to see her but just today was my son and my day and she texts me asking if she can stop by to drop off his phone and pick up a bike seat ( the jerk is fixing my son's bike or at least says he could, I dream of everything falling off except for the wheels of course while my baby is on it =). Hey I am laughing a little.

 

I love the woman that is behind the witch that I have been living with. She is beautiful, sweet, a wonderful Mother. We had a very bad run for many years but I still believe there is a connection, but if she can't feel it then I can't force her, so the only choice I have is to venture out. After 26 years in this existence it's scary, getting my own pad etc.

 

We both love our son so we are doing this quietly and re-assuring him. The hardest thing he has said is " you and Mommy are not allowed to marry anyone else " Moments like that give me pause to say that if the circumstances were right, it would be wonderful to be a family again, but at this point I simply don't see it.

 

I really do want her to see that she really didn't have it so bad with me for all of my flaws. I am a great Father and I have corrected all of my negatives. Everyone sees it but her but I have also lived my entire life with her, with everyone I know, including her family saying " I don't know how you live with her " but I did and still would...only time will tell but I am movin on...

 

She will be moving into her own place in a month, so she will be out of the frat house but she will need to get a roommate in order to afford the house, so it will still be strange. Maybe OM will move in and he can deal with all of her demands and neuroces. I would happily deal with them again, but only if she admitted to her role in our crash.

 

Thanks again You Go Girl ! =)

[NXS]

Frenchman, these changes you've made seem to have been with the intention of how she will perceive them rather than genuine changes you wish to make for yourself. I guess this is the next phase of getting through the loss however I wonder would you make the same changes regardless of how they look to her? or if there's anything else you would like to change without thinking about her reaction?

 

Or perhaps this is just part of the process.

[frenchmanfl]

Hi Nsx, not sure if your still reading but no I have changed. I am not the weak kneed slob I was just last week. I had a watershed moment on Friday, where I burst out of the horrible suit of dread I had on and said screw it. I am much lighter today then i was this time last week.

 

I have gone through moments of dread, loneliness, sadness, anger and finally " who needs her ". It's all positive and I feel more in control then I have in 6 months. Largely because I now knew that I wasn't imagining things and that I caught her red handed. My wife is not a serial cheater, and she has done a good enough job convincing me that it's nothing to worry about. If this was a rich hot stud, then...

 

This does not mean it's not happened ( physical ) but I don't care right now. I can't...I am moving on, but not so far that I am not willing to forgive to save my family.

 

I have heard many say, don't blame yourself they are the ones who cheated, well sometimes the cheated on has to evaluate the whole scene. We were both to blame but I more so. To get into the reason why would take another page.

 

I want my family back, I will continue to fight for it, but I am just as ready to walk...I have come to terms with it and believe I can survive, but the choas my family is living is not necessary.

 

If you log on today, go check a post I made asking for critical help. Some major events happened over night. I played it the best way I thought how. Maybe my wife will take the bait, maybe not, but I am prepared for both. My son are having so much fun together alone. He is my strength right now, my center.

 

I am prepared to make more changes for my wife if she gives this another shot. It was my stubborness not to change some very small things that were simply not worth fighting for. However, right now everything I am doing is for me.

 

I will keep posting because the journey is just in 2nd gear but I am more optimistic regardless of which way it turns.

 

I do believe that by pushing my wife out of the house and into her EA's frat house and the fact that I have ended up having my son much of the time, along with no comforts of home, dogs etc has possibly made her reflect on the fun of her new lifestyle. Maybe not. I will survive either way, but I believe we can make it work if she gives it one last shot.

 

More to come....

[frenchmanfl]

lkjh..i believe you are right...I am moving forward with my plans on the apt. It is possible she could turn around but I am not waiting.