Cowphin Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 (edited) Hello, I'm new here, and I'd really appreciate any advice or help! Just a warning: This is a REALLY LONG story: Just some back story: When we first started dating, obviously things were great and I fell head over heels in love with him. One point of contention, however, was that I lived an hour away and he worked and went to school. He thought I was going to get a driver's license soon and that I'd be able to contribute more to the relationship. However, I got caught up in school (I was trying to transfer from a community college to university) and it didn't really happen. Then, when it came time for me to choose a university, it was between the one closer to his house that I didn't want to go to, and the one closer to where I live that I REALLY wanted to go to but was the same distance from him as my house. He said that although he was trying to forgive me, he deeply resented me for choosing the school I chose "over him." I felt that he was being unreasonable, which lead to some unreasonable behavior of my own (me getting upset if he talked to his ex, me saying he didn't love me because he didn't support my choices and other things). This in turn made him feel inadequate, and probably resent me even more. Despite all of this crazy stuff going on, however, when we hung out we would have a ton of fun and we were deeply in love. Even after I chose my university and complained too much in his eyes, we still talked about living together and getting married one day and spending our lives together. However, as time went on, I guess my living so far combined with his busy schedule made him get mad over how little we saw each other. Whenever he would come see me he would get mad over a tiny comment I made or I would take something the wrong way and he would threaten to leave and I would beg him and stop him until he agreed to talk things out with me and we always worked through it (it's an INSANELY unhealthy cycle and I'm ashamed of my actions, but it always worked for us and neither of us commented too much when it happened once we made up) Everything came to a head on April 1st. I took the bus down 3 hours to see him, and my friend was supposed to give me a ride home, but ended up blowing a tire and my boyfriend had to take me home. On the ride home he completely laid into me saying how he'll never forgive me for choosing my school and how "some things only bother him when I do them," and how I complained to much and nitpicked over the tiniest things (he does too) and how he doesn't know if he can be with me and he went on and on for the hour ride home. However, after that, he apologized for being so harsh, and we said we'd start over. Things were okay for the next few weeks and we started talking about rings and such again, but then he started to get distant. He just broke up with me last Wednesday (April 20th). He hadn't texted me because he was busy, and like an idiotic child, I got really upset and sent him a text complaining about it. He ignored me all day Wednesday, and sent me a text saying that he could no longer be with me. I asked him to give me a chance, and he said that it's always the same with me and that he couldn't handle me. However, we continued having a fun, lighthearted conversation into Thursday morning...until he disappeared again. He didn't text me Thursday or Friday, and most of Saturday. I spent those two and a half days either begging him to talk or sending him silly stuff like I always would. I finally texted him Saturday evening saying "This is really cruel to not let me know whether we're definitely apart or definitely together. Please tell me." and he said "I'm sorry, I just can't be with you." I was in shock, but I sent him a text saying I accepted that. Two hours later he sent me a text saying "Ugh. Idk what to do. Why can't you just be nice to me?" and we talked things through a bit and continued talking the rest of the weekend into Monday. I didn't bring us up that often, I just had friendly conversation. But Monday night, he randomly said he was mad at me because I was making things difficult. He did a complete 180 from enjoying talking to me to being pissed and finally said "maybe you should date someone else an then see if you even still love me. I don't think I can handle you" which escalated to "Look our relationship isn't ever going to work. I can never forgive you. Don't contact me. Goodbye." I was too heartbroken to even answer the text. Well, I didn't have to. 30 minutes later he called me and said "hi...why don't you ever call me?" and then listed some more reasons he wanted me to improve, which didn't really make sense to me if he wanted me out of his life. I said I'd call him back in 30, and when I didn't he called again and said "Why didn't you call me back? Look...I'm sorry." and we had an okay convo and he said he loved me and agreed to come see me on Friday. We talked through the week and got along great, and he came up Friday. Friday...when everything blew up. I made him this really cute "Love is..." scrapbook and bought him a stuffed Easter bunny. When he got here, he was pissed from the drive, and we were getting along okay...until I tried to kiss him. He said "I asked for space and you made me come up here, so don't b*tch because I'm not all over you." But then I gave him the bunny and he loved the scrapbook, and he hugged me and said he was sorry and that he loved me. We got along great the rest of the afternoon and evening, and he said "I'm really close to making you my girlfriend again." We even showered together (which I ONLY mention because he said he'd never be naked around someone he wasn't with) and had a ton of fun. But then he said something that made me really sad...and things went downhill fast. Please don't judge me for this next part. I know I screwed up. I made the comment and once again like old times he threatened to leave. I got up to once again try to stop him. Only this time, instead of agreeing to stay, things got worse. I'd pretty much proven to him that I HADN'T changed by not letting him leave. It ended up with me begging him to listen to me and him screaming at me not to touch him and him carrying me and throwing me on my bed so that I would let him leave (I realize I acted like a psycho, again, please don't judge.). He said that he was scared of me and that he thought I was crazy and that we'd never be together ever and that he was minutes from taking me back and that he was never speaking to me again. He called me 20 minutes later to make sure I was okay and he said "I still care about you and I wanna make sure you're okay. I still love you and wanna be with you, but I can't handle dating you. You completely freaked out tonight," and he said he loved me and went to bed. Yesterday, he ignored me all day until I said I'd give him space and hope that he'd realize we could work through things again, especially since he was so close to taking me back even though he said he never would. He called me and said that he loved me but that he could never put himself in that position again and that he didn't know if he would text me today (he hasn't but I haven't either. I'm starting no contact.). I asked him to just give me some time to change and if I proved myself, to at least give me a chance and he said "It's not a no, but by no means is it even close to a yes and it doesn't look good for you. I'm not comfortable around you." I know it sounds insane and ridiculous, but I know we both love and want each other, and that I have to ACTUALLY change and prove that I can handle my emotions and be the girlfriend he wants me to be. I know it sounds hopeless....but it also sounded hopeless a month ago when he said he couldn't handle me...and last Saturday when he said we were done but then gave me a chance...and Friday when he was minutes from taking me back. I know I need to mature and prove myself, but does it seem completely hopeless for us, or does the fact that I was so close to getting him back and that I still have his heart mean that I have a chance to get him back in time? I'm a big believer in "If you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you they are yours, if they don't they never were." Because of that, I'm trying to give him space and not text him for a week or so to let things cool down. And it gives me hope that over the last week he's given me chances even when he said he wanted me completely out of his life. Thank you for ANY help! Edited May 1, 2011 by Cowphin
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