EyeAlone Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 I've been dating my bf for about half a year now and he's a really great guy. One thing that I really like about him is that he doesn't hold back and is very honest, blunt, and forthcoming. He basically has no verbal filter. Whatever goes through his mind will inevitably escape from his mouth. I need to be with someone like that. It helps with my trust issues and we also have some awesome conversations. However, there's one thing about his lack of verbal filter that annoys me and that is discussions about his ex girlfriends. Maybe I'm not used to this because my exes in the past never really talked about relationships they were in previously. But my current bf tells me so much about his. I know their names, what they do, where they live, why it never worked out, how he felt about them during the course of the relationship, blah blah blah. He started doing this on our 2nd date together so this isn't something new. He doesn't talk about them every time we're together, but I've learned more about them than I cared to know. I'm not the one asking him for this information. We like to debate a lot and discuss psychology and inevitably we get on the topic of relationships and then he starts bringing up past experiences with exes. So that's usually how this stuff comes up. He's never compared or contrasted me to any of his exes or said that I was better or worse than them in a particular area. But I start internally comparing myself to them, and I hate it. I could tell him right now to stop bringing up his exes but that won't change the fact that I already know too much about them to the point where it's becoming internally destructive to me. I like to think and hope that he's not doing this to be malicious to me. He often asks me for details about my exes when we're having these discussions so he knows a lot of info about them than what I normally would tell him. Anyone have any advice? Could this just be a poor social skill on his part since he's been doing this ever since we started dating? Or do you think it may be something more malicious and passive aggressive?
ASG Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 My guess is that it' just poor social skill. Like you said, he has no filter. Maybe you should ask him to refrain from talking about them? And if it bothers you so much, why haven't you said anything before?? Communication *is* key! If you don't mention things that bug you, how's he supposed to change his behavior in order to not upset you? My ex used to do the same thing your bf does. He would talk about his exes, mainly the BIG one, but it jst never bothered me. I don't have a problem with a bf talking about exes. I just don't care. They're exes for a reason. When I was younger I even used to befriend the exes. And I don't do it now cause I don't get to meet them.
Sunstar Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 It's possible that he's just venting. Perhaps you could use the information he provides to prevent making the same mistakes his exes made with him in order to keep your relationship healthy. But I'm sure you have thought about that already.
Datura Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 (edited) The fact that your first sentence claims he is a "great guy," then at the end you open up the possibility of him being "malicious and passive aggressive" is odd. It seems that you need to get a better grasp on who your boyfriend is as a person. Edited May 2, 2011 by Datura
Author EyeAlone Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 I really want to trust him but I've been screwed over so many times in the past. It's hard to believe that history won't repeat itself. One of the things that really bothers me about this is, as ASG put it, the BIG one. It was one of those circumstances that ended in unrequited love. He says that she was the first one that he ever truly loved and she set the standard for future girls that he will date. Yes, I'm jealous. I'm jealous and sad because I have a feeling that he will never see me like that. There's one trait in particular that she had that basically ended the relationship, but I do not have this "trait." That's the only thing I see that's going for me. There's one female friend of his that seems to resemble, both physical and personality, of the ex. I wouldn't be surprised if he left me for her. So that's another worry of mine. How do I let go of all this??
ASG Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I really want to trust him but I've been screwed over so many times in the past. It's hard to believe that history won't repeat itself. One of the things that really bothers me about this is, as ASG put it, the BIG one. It was one of those circumstances that ended in unrequited love. He says that she was the first one that he ever truly loved and she set the standard for future girls that he will date. Yes, I'm jealous. I'm jealous and sad because I have a feeling that he will never see me like that. There's one trait in particular that she had that basically ended the relationship, but I do not have this "trait." That's the only thing I see that's going for me. There's one female friend of his that seems to resemble, both physical and personality, of the ex. I wouldn't be surprised if he left me for her. So that's another worry of mine. How do I let go of all this?? You talk to him. There's no other way! Talking to us will do nothing to help your relationship. If you feel jealous and have doubts, then you need to make them clear to him. The fact is, you don't trust him. Not just because of his talking about the exes, but because you've been screwed over in the past and are bringing your baggage into the relationship. You need to work on that, because noone appreciates having doubt cast on them, if they did nothing to deserve it. So you can only do one thing. Which is talk to him ABOUT IT! About how you feel insecure with him talking about his exes all the time, how you feel that it is TMI and that you don't need to know every single detail about his relationship with them, and also, how you fear he will leave you for that friend BECAUSE she resembles his ex. If you don't have an honest conversation with him about it, it wil EAT at you and the jealousy will consume you and destroy your relationship.
Professor X Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 If you don't have an honest conversation with him about it, it wil EAT at you and the jealousy will consume you and destroy your relationship. If it's jealousy, than she needs to google up "Retroactive jealousy" , it might help her greatly.
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