allie_lgh Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 My name is Allie. My story, as I'm sure you've guessed, is a break-up story. My ex and I were together for 4 years. Moved from CT to CA together after a yr of dating (it was always my plan and he decided to come with me when I left) and things were great. We were always very happy together. Yes, at times things weren't perfect-but what relationship is? We would fight, but not often. We've always had such a deep connection. One of those couples that could stand next to each other or just touch each other and know what the other's thinking. Now things get messy. A yr and a half ago my life began to fall apart. My father died suddenly from a heart attack, and as a daddy's girl I was beyond crushed. Two weeks later my grandfather dies, so now my entire family is a mess. After going back to CT for a few weeks I came back to CA where my ex was holding down the fort. Can't lie, he was amazing throughout this time in my life. I became terribly depressed. Couldn't get out of bed, lost a lot of weight. I finally sought out greif counseling. The last yr and a half has been very difficult. I became more edgy. My temper was more easily tricked. The fighting and my temper finally came to be too much, and one horribly night of drunk fighting and hot tempers finally pushed my ex to leave. This was in December. To make matters worse my ex moved in with a friend of his from CT who moved out here and HATES me. My ex and I tried to make things work...kinda. We would get back together for a week or two, then he'd remember how angry he was. Little by little it got harder and harder for things to work. He had no support in his life for me, but everyone instead was against us. I went into anger management, dove into my counseling and finally took care of my issues I had been putting off. I really have changed, and I've shown him that. It just seems that at this point he's too weak to stand up to his boys and to wounded from never letting go of the anger to fight for us. He had become mentally and emotionally abusive to me. Any time he was upset he would tell me how horribly I am. How my father would be ashamed of the person I am. How I am **** and how this is all my fault. I know that I should know better, that I shouldn't want or allow someone like that in my life, but I love him with all my heart. We were engaged, we had already exchanged vows (due to our religious beliefs and living together being an issue), we had plans to spend the rest of our life together. I had let him basically use me for the last 5 months. He would come and spend the night, he could call me or not talk to me whenever and however he wanted to. Finally this last time I couldn't do it anymore. I've now been with NC for just a few days, but I know I need to stay strong. I would love for him to want to get back together, really together not just what we've been doing. But I don't think that'll happen. Long story short, I'm just waiting for this to get easier. They say it does, I hope they're right.
neverendingdrama Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 and the only reason I am relaying it onto you is because I just went through a similar situation. Not with the trauma of deaths ( sorry you had to go through that ) , but with physical and mental abuse. Your relationships will always have ups and downs , but there comes a time there is no going back to happy land. You go past a certain point. It is extremely hard to even take in. Trust me. Right now he knows he can throw you crumbs and will take them. Mostly due your past behavior ( which kudos to you for working on ) . In my case I stayed around after some heavy duty trauma . My ex punched me , lied to police and I went to jail for it . He did nothing to help me with the situation. I STILL went back to him. As in your case , he moved most of his stuff out and went to live with a friend I didn't care much for. He came and went when he wanted . I begged for him to get help and try and have both of us move forward together. He played the victim very well because I went to jail. Just like your ex helped you , he most likely had his friends telling him to run. Cowards need support too. Most spineless , heartless men will not want to let their friends down. To them you are not worth it. It makes them look weak. My ex pretty much lead everyone , including his family , to believe in January he stopped seeing me. He lived with me off and on until March. He lied to everyone around him. With all that being said , you are being used and manipulated because you were once in a weak spot yourself. You need to take your healed self out of this situation. They make you think you deserve it , you don't. It is not going to stop. Mine went on for 2 months. I left. I am sad everyday , but the confusion I felt is gone. It will only get worse. They have lost respect. The next step is you finding out about another girl he may be seeing. That happened to me one day after I was out the door of the relationship. Stay strong. It is a long journey to think the person you thought would be in your life forever is gone. Truth is , he was gone awhile back. He is not the same. Good luck.
inthedeep Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Allie, I am so sorry to hear about this. I'm new to this site, as my boyfriend just broke up with me 2 days ago. I've been reading a ton and it helps. When I wake up and it's hard for me to get my head around what happened, I get on here and read and it's keeping me grounded. I relate to the final blowup and drunk fighting that caused him to leave, that is what happened in my case. However regardless of who started it, one of you should have had the awareness to stop it in its tracks before it escalated out of hand. So part of the blame does rest with him. If you're blaming yourself, let it go. Taking your anger management counseling was a good move. But you and your ex were engaged, that's supposed to be a stronger bond where you work with your partner through their faults (especially in the wake of such a heartbreaking time you were going through). The fact he continues to hold onto his anger over your blowup is a sign of trouble ahead if you had gone through with the marriage. As Jane Austen said, "One does not love a place the less for having suffered in it unless it has all been suffering, nothing but suffering." He helped you through your times dealing with your loss, and that is a wonderful thing. The part about him coming over and using you for 5 months saddens me. You do not deserve scraps of his affection. You say you would love to get back together, but I think even if you did things would never be the same. Subconsciously, you would always resent him for using you and you would remember the powerlessness you felt at his hands. That's not a good history to have. You've lost your power because you have to depend on someone else's actions. There's no ease in your communication anymore. For some reason, partners can just sense when their significant other is waiting for a phone call. This puts the power in their hands. No contact is the only way to regain your confidence and control over your life. You can do it. And if you want him back, you're not going to get him by allowing him to come over and have the benefits of a relationship without the commitment. Stay with the no contact!
inthedeep Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Directed to neverendingdrama: Wow, I've had a pretty similar thing happen to me as well. It's amazing how in a situation like that, the woman gets arrested. Happens more often than I thought-- thank you for sharing.
Author allie_lgh Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 thank you both for your posts. I was missing him very much today and really needed to hear what both of you were saying. This has been so difficult for me, and sometimes I fear it'll never get better. But like I said, support like what you've given me is very helpful
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