How should it unfold.... Or how should I make it unfold....

[Conscience]

Here we go! I started seeing my ex wife again we seperated about 4 months ago we have two kids.

 

We see eachother often we go out we do stuff where having fun etc its been gradually improving but I still only get pecks on the cheeks and hugs... Last week she gave it up after I wanted out cause of something I found out she begged me to stay etc..... that night we made out and had sex for the first time in a couple of months the next morning I wanted her again and she told me "I am not going to have sex with you randomly we can't just get back together in a snap of the fingers" now where back to no kisses other then kisses on the cheeks when I see her and leave and sometimes I get the additional hug ..... how long will this or should it last for ! She told me we have to take it slow etc, I understand that but how long can this rebuilding phase last for?

 

Bare with my english here I am french lol

[frenchmanfl]

Salut Conscience, comment ca va ? Je suis Francais aussi.

 

But I will write in English. My wife and I are just in the midst of a seperation right now. I am 90% sure she is having an Emotional Affair an possibly a physical one too. Like everyone else on here I have plenty of fault but she is going through a midlife crisis too, all the signs are there. I almost don't like mentioning that because it sounds like I am assigning all the blame to something else, which I am not.

 

First, I picked up on your post because, while I am torn, I do need some hope and your story reminds me that it is possible. I am angry at times, screaming good riddance in my head but down deep, I love my wife deeply. I want to hear stories of possible re-unions.

 

To answer your question though, which is what I have lacked in the initial stages of all of this because I didn't understand it and thought it would go away once we got the family dynamic back ( family moved to another state, I stayed back for 4 months...worst thing that could have happened, but I thought again that once I got here, got a good job which I did in a month that the pieces would fall into place. They didn't and I was confused.

 

Thanks to this site, I have learned so much I wish I had known months ago.

 

It's simple, you need to back off of your wife. If you followed the limited contact rule with your wife and this is why she was interested enough to come back, then you need to revert back, although to a milder degree to that posture. The one that says you don't need her, but you want her. The story of being hurt because my wife would not kiss me on the cheeks is a familiar one. It hurt me...I couldn't understand...but in your case your pushing for full bore intimacy, which even if it happened once, should not be seen as some confirmation that everything is just great.

 

We men are just to simple. Women process so much more information on the emotional front, that all she is doing right now is testing the waters and you should be elated. I hope I get that chance.

 

Slow the pace down and don't call her all day, don't pay attention to her. I knew it but didn't know how to play it that women chase. We are conditioned to believe that when they get married they loose that urge to chase. It is definitely subdued because family is also in their make up, but your wife is no longer at the phase, she is scared and is on edge of fleeing, so pull back, don't expect anything, just live together and laugh together, make her comfortable.

 

In my case I wonder if that's possible because of the relationship. I have to know it's over but who knows. You have been given a second chance don't blow it but expecting too much too early.

 

Bonne chance mon ami, I hope I get at least one more shot at it. Married 24 years, one beautiful 10 year old boy...all down the drain ?

[Conscience]

Salut,

 

Well I was. Sort of given a second chance but i seem to constantly Sabotage it! I seem to never get enough of her and alwayse End up pushing too much..... The thing is that she wants me to

Always be available to her on her week on with the kids but

When she is on her week off she doesnt make her self available

On Friday nights and saturday nights she makes plans! And it tend

To piss me off!

 

I know I need to do LC it's hard to work when your so emotional

I understand I need to make myself less available to her..... And stop

Freaking out when she see's her friends ect it's hard!!! Sometimes

I just want to give up and say to myself this is too much work when

I don't know if it will work out I really love her still and I want to save

Our family but at the same time I don't want to live with a broken

Heart for ever ..... Should I just be more independent and less available ???

Edited May 1, 2011 by Conscience

[frenchmanfl]

Conscience, you do not have to explain to me the emotional roller coaster your going through. I am in the very beginning and just commited to LC. My wife is playing hard right now, but I think she realizes I am for real. In fact I have talked myself into it. It's easier the days I have my beautiful boy because he gives me strength to believe it will be ok. A 9 year old giving strength to a 43 old man.

 

Having said that I lived the " reconciliation " process in the beginning. My wife moved to a new city first, I followed 5 months later, by the time I got down here she was shut down. The 4 months prior she was talking about houses, what we going to do etc " I get here and the door slam shut. But she wasn't completely gone, we lived under the same roof and I did and felt exactly as you. Wanting things to go back to love but she just wasn't there and I pushed and now I have kicked her out because she is having an Emotional and likely now physical affair.

 

Now that she is out, I can get my head on and " forget " about her. What I have learned about the LC and NC programs is that it is about truly letting go. The very scariest part of that is the fear that you might never go back.

 

It sounds like your wife is allowing full access to the kids as is my wife so I am trying to focus all of my attention on my beautiful boy.

 

However, and remember I am in this right now but because you are you and I am I, I can advise. At this stage I don't believe LC is necessary, but you have to sway in and sway back out of your wife's life. WHen you see her you be cool, you don't expect anything, your just happy and fun with the kids, don't look over at her with longing, just be a nice guy. I can't be sure if will do the same, I can't be sure I will get the chance or if it comes if I will want it.

 

I know that i love(d) my wife so deeply and I believe we could have made the next chapter the greatest of all ( we had lots of problems and I have lots to be blamed for ) but she went and flew off the handle. Not sure I can get over that. If your wife didn't have an affair then you should be thankful mon frere.

 

Take it slow...from what I hear one day, if it's meant to be, she will suddenly let go and the next stage of fixing what was broken before can begin. Sounds like your wife is going through a midlife crisis like mine which is the only reason I believe I might be able to reason my way out of this one.

 

Bon courage.

[Conscience]

However, and remember I am in this right now but because you are you and I am I, I can advise. At this stage I don't believe LC is necessary, but you have to sway in and sway back out of your wife's life. WHen you see her you be cool, you don't expect anything, your just happy and fun with the kids, don't look over at her with longing, just be a nice guy. I can't be sure if will do the same, I can't be sure I will get the chance or if it comes if I will want it.

 

Salut Frenchman, Im not sure I understand exactly what you mean here by sway in and sway back out of her life ? And dont look over at her with longing ? what does this mean ?

 

For the record she did have an affair, while we where not together so as I well it wasent technicaly an affair but I dated as a matter of fact I followed the proper sequence, LC / Get back in shape / start daiting etc and be cool around her.. I would of never tough I would of lived this at 35 years old married with two kids! I tend to be impatient and want things back to like there where but I know I have to take it slow what ever that means !

 

If ever you want to talk or chat Im game I feel for you and I know how important support is in times like this ......

[dng]

J'essaie pas de vous deprimer, but my guess is you are both about to find out there's another man in the background somewhere.

 

People do not flake out like that for no reason.

 

No one is going to protect your emotions, so you two have to do it on your own.

[frenchmanfl]

Conscience, by sway in and sway out I mean come into her world briefly but happy so that she can get a vision of the confident man she fell in love with but then walk away just as quickly so that she doesn't have time to think of some of the things she might dislike.

 

I have moments where i wonder if she is with the other guy and I panic for a second then I say " screw her I don't need her to make me feel like crap " and I say who cares,

 

In other words, I am not saying it's easy but if you check a couple of recents posts I made you will see some of the events that have occured lately. By no means is my situation resolved one way or the other, but I am taking control.

 

That is what makes you more attractive. Its not easy but fight it. Don't push her.

[Conscience]

Yah I get it, I was there Sunday night I dropped the kids off, I was in a great mood smilling the hole works played with the kids for 5 minutes then she asked me to stay and I told her I had to go I had things to do at home etc

 

Then she sent me an open invitation for dinner this week I picked Thursday as its my day off from my exercising .... Its tough I want to see her bad but I have to keep some distance and do my thing ....

[rebeccajones]

The one who cares the least has the most power. It's not really about them, it's about us. We have to make ourselves happy and they don't want to to be responsible for our happiness or to be depended on. It's about you make a decision to make you happy with and without them.

[Conscience]

I know its weird how that works! This is exactly what I am trying to do some days are harder then others I seem to need to be constantly busy!