Is NC a bait to get ex to come back into your life?

[orangelady]

I've been reading a couple of threads of those who go into NC saying they want to forget their ex but if you really read the thread properly, there are bits of info actually indicating that what the poster really hopes is that the ex will 'miss' them and realize how they can't do without them or how good they were for them, etc.

 

One thing I have realized is, not all breakups result from them realizing that you're not good and then regret it, and them come crawling back to you. Even if they do crawl back, there can be many reasons. Perhaps their new bf/gf relationship didn't work out, or they just can't deal with being lonely, but are you really the reason they come crawling back to you? Are you the prize they work towards? What is your worth/value to them? Are you just 'another' latch on? Are you just another ordinary Joe or Jane?

 

There can be many reasons why an ex would 'call' you or contact you. It may be out of insecurity. I admit in my life that I have thought of getting in touch with guys that I didn't care so much about before, but it isn't because I really love them or desire them, but it was out of loneliness, boredom or just some other lame reason.

 

 

I think though, if one is completely over their ex, they don't need to go on NC. Why? Because you don't love them anymore. You don't even want them. It doesn't matter to you if you see them posting on FB on their whereabouts or seeing their mail in your mailbox. Because you know you're better than that. Than that person being dumped, for whatever reason, and you won't be a second choice, or some toy to be dabbled with.

 

 

I don't know, I know what I say is not 100% true and it is case to case basis, but yeah...just a thought there.

Edited May 1, 2011 by orangelady

[DollyGirl12]

I think it all depends. As we have all seen, NC is for our own mental sanity most of the time, even though it does not always make us feel good.

 

I think there are some circumstances where NC is a way of giving someone the time they need to figure out where they are in life. I think it all depends on the relationship that one had, as well as how things ended. There really are some people that just are not ready for that full blown relationship. Maybe they have to finish school, achieve their goals, etc. But that person will ends things in a mature manner most of the time. Possibly with time apart, life accomplishments, two people can come back together. But most of the time not staying NC is just a way for someone to get stuck in hope.

With my case I ended things with my exbf and went NC because of things he did that I just will never accept in my life. Period, end of story. Didn't make me hurt less, but I know what I deserve, and I did nothing to deserve what he did to me. He has MAJOR problems and sitting and waiting around for him to "get better" would be like signing my death warrant. It AIN'T happening!

 

Every ex of my past has tried to come back in to my life. I don't think my last ex will even make that attempt because he knows that I know exactly who he is. But with my other ex's that did try, I felt absolutely nothing when they tried to come back. I had long since moved on.

[Fufu]

My ideal and purpose of NC is very simple.

 

To move on completely.

[hurtex]

We are all different individuals with different minds and different relationship histories.

 

I do agree that most of the NC situations are for moving on and getting over the ex.

I believe some do the NC with the hope that their ex will come back.

There have been millions of cases where the ex's end up together... and happy.

There have been millions of cases where the ex's end up together and break up again... and yes it may be worse than the first break up.

Or the ex may never come back.

 

I don't know what to say. Yes I am hoping mine comes back. We didn't break up bitterly. He didn't hurt me. We still talked all the time through our break up. We both just needed to grow and deal with some inner demons.

 

Could he decide that he's found his soulmate tomorrow and it's not me? Of course. Yes I will be in pain. I'm in pain now. But by giving up on him and dong NC to get him out of my life, I will be in so much more pain.

 

I think the NC has to be in the individuals terms and what they decide is best for them.

 

Who can tell me to give up on my ex? No one else was in our relationship and break up than us so how can anyone else give advice that is full of insight on our particular case?

 

I don't know what to say. I just know that my NC is to get him back. And I am proud to say that I do have hope.

[djhall]

My take on it is that NC is a way to force a resolution to the situation either one way or the other. As was pointed out, NC isn't really necesary when you are no longer emotionally invested in the other person. However, it can be devastating to be emotionally invested in someone who doesn't want to commit to being with you and doesn't want to let go of you either. In those situations people end up like emotional yo-yos getting flung between highs and lows as the person alternately pushes them away and then pulls them back only to push them away again.

 

NC stops that cycle and forces a resolution... either you're all in or all out. Ambiguous half-in-and-half-out isn't an option and neither is maintaining the status quo... in NC, maintaining the status quo becomes a defacto end to the relationship.

 

Of course, since NC assumes you still have strong feelings for the other person, it really shouldn't be surprising that many are still hoping the NC leads to the other person realizing how much they miss them and deciding to re-commit fully to the relationship.

[0hpenelope]

I like your sig, djhall. Goes to show that the only one who knows what's going on with me is me.

 

I've been reading a couple of threads of those who go into NC saying they want to forget their ex but if you really read the thread properly, there are bits of info actually indicating that what the poster really hopes is that the ex will 'miss' them and realize how they can't do without them or how good they were for them, etc.

 

One thing I have realized is, not all breakups result from them realizing that you're not good and then regret it, and them come crawling back to you. Even if they do crawl back, there can be many reasons. Perhaps their new bf/gf relationship didn't work out, or they just can't deal with being lonely, but are you really the reason they come crawling back to you? Are you the prize they work towards? What is your worth/value to them? Are you just 'another' latch on? Are you just another ordinary Joe or Jane?

 

There can be many reasons why an ex would 'call' you or contact you. It may be out of insecurity. I admit in my life that I have thought of getting in touch with guys that I didn't care so much about before, but it isn't because I really love them or desire them, but it was out of loneliness, boredom or just some other lame reason.

 

 

I think though, if one is completely over their ex, they don't need to go on NC. Why? Because you don't love them anymore. You don't even want them. It doesn't matter to you if you see them posting on FB on their whereabouts or seeing their mail in your mailbox. Because you know you're better than that. Than that person being dumped, for whatever reason, and you won't be a second choice, or some toy to be dabbled with.

 

 

I don't know, I know what I say is not 100% true and it is case to case basis, but yeah...just a thought there.

NC is for how long everyone wants it to be. I'm completely over the ex that led me to the site and I still enforce NC on him because being in personal contact with him is not worth my time. Not bitter, not angry, just indifferent.

 

I never hold it against our LS users here who want to use NC as some sort of "bait" to get their ex to contact. Most often, the users who initiate NC with that intent realize that their ex hasn't gotten in touch with them (friendly or otherwise) and that starts off an entirely new process of healing, too. Because they realize that they really do have to let go - which is what they should've started doing from the moment the ex said "It's over," "I think we need space and time apart," etc. Everyone comes to that understanding eventually, though.

 

NC forces the initiator to look inwards and hopefully, heal in a much healthier way.

[ASG]

I never thought of NC as a means to getting someone back.

That being said, I never had true NC with anyone of my exes, because in some cases we hung out in the same social circle/went to the same school or just decided that I wanted to keep in touch.

 

My ex and I broke up a month ago. It was tough, it was painful, but it was also very much a mutual decision, after months of trying to work things out and failing. We decided to be friends, and still talk like every other day.

Sure, we're not over each other yet, but it will happen. And of course, if he starts seeing someone it will hurt. But we don't work well as a couple and weren't happy, so I will be happy for him, after the initial shock and pain. I'm sure the same will happen to him.

 

With my previous ex, with whom I also maintained contact, things were much harder, because he dumped me and I wanted him back. So I was a bit of the psycho ex, which is something I'm NOT proud of. When he started dating his now wife, just a few weeks after, I was DEVASTATED, as I still held hope that he would see the error of his ways and come back! He didn't and I tortured myself for a while, still talking to him and meeting him, but eventually, I just got over him. Nowadays we're friends, we meet up on occasion (I moved to another country), talk somewhat regularly and I *care* about him, but I just have no romantic feelings towards him, at all.

 

I think the thing with me is that I never resented any of my exes to the point that I thought I had to cut them out completely. Sometimes it happened, because you just have nothing to say to that person, but I never intentionally decided to not speak to them.

[Sugarkane]

I don't know what people really mean by "NC". NC for my situation is basically cutting him out of my life. I have had no intentions whatsoever of having him back in my life. I do not feel anything but resentment for that boy, and I think I'd be seriously mentally deformed if I wanted to get back with someone so miserable, cowardly and contaminating. "NC" for me is "never again". I have not had the urge of doing anything BUT contacting him to tell him off and let him know what a waste of life he truly is, but I always fight it and never do it, as it is an impediment on my own progress. Any feelings of the "loving" sort I ever felt for that boy has long been gone. I do not care what happens in his life, I truly could not care less if he makes it or not. He is who he is, he showed em that much. Anything else he may accomplish in his life is irrelevant. He still did what he did, he still is who he is. I blocked him from ever contacting me because he wanted to be my friend.

 

He wanted me to contact him every week and he would have contacted me EVENTUALLY had I not blocked him from my life. That is the way he, and other weak-minded fools like him, are. They eventually go back to the strong one that endured their emotional turmoil and unfair selfishness for a long time, they go back to them just to bitch, moan and cry to them, because no one else would give a ****. Before he had a chance of doing that to me, I cut his ass off. I never want to see him, hear him or speak to him ever again. And that is just what I did. It's been 7 months now, and I am getting my old self and life back under control.

 

"NC", or in my case, blocking someone from your life so they will never be in it, is not just for people trying to get over them. It's also for people who hate their ex and never want them interfering with their lives, or mind-****ing them again.

I'm also in the same situation with the ex that brought me here. Why would I want to be "friends" with someone who pretended everything was fine and then dumped me out of the blue? Then insulted me by text and said he "should've dumped me a long time ago". He knew how I felt about him and still decided to hurt me as much as possible anyway. I can't be "friends" with someone that is callous, aggressive, selfish and is a complete coward. I ran into him 2 weeks after we brokeup and he had a new girl already. He sure didn't waste any time.

 

I was a good girlfriend and never cheated on him. Now I wish I had. I hope someday someone leaves him in the place where he left me. But he is attractive and young and jumps from girl to girl. He always makes sure that he's the dumper, no matter what.

[Exit]

I'd be willing to bet 9 out of 10 of us do truly start NC hoping it will make the person miss us and bring them back. We may try to claim that it is so we can start healing, but that isn't our motivation at the beginning, we do want them back. But, although we kinda start out doing it for a disingenuous reason, it does end up transforming into true NC over time, you go NC and when the person doesn't contact you for a while and you start to hurt a little bit less, suddenly the real purpose does come into play -- letting you move on.

 

So yes, I'd say a lot of us initially lie to ourselves and lie to everyone else when we post our little declarations that we're going NC and we're going to feel so good about it. We know what we're really doing. But even if you aren't doing it for the right reason, it does still secretly serve its purpose, it gives you space and time to realize you don't even need that person anymore.

[betterdeal]

From an outside, high level point of view, people in a difficult relationship are stressed, anxious, run-down and making poor decisions. Doing more of the same will not reduce the stress the system is under. Stopping doing something that stresses us does that.

 

It is, in effect, ending the relationship properly. It gives us time and space to grieve our loss, work out why we did things we don't want to do again, to seek help to address the causes of that behaviour, to let go of any pent up feelings from that period, and to change our lives, thoughts, feelings, outlook, ideals, values more easily.

 

Life is just much easier and enjoyable without constant drama and constant stress, when feelings are more natural and allowed to flow in and out. Learning when to let go of something helps us to get to that point more often.

[Fufu]

From an outside, high level point of view, people in a difficult relationship are stressed, anxious, run-down and making poor decisions. Doing more of the same will not reduce the stress the system is under. Stopping doing something that stresses us does that.

 

It is, in effect, ending the relationship properly. It gives us time and space to grieve our loss, work out why we did things we don't want to do again, to seek help to address the causes of that behaviour, to let go of any pent up feelings from that period, and to change our lives, thoughts, feelings, outlook, ideals, values more easily.

 

Life is just much easier and enjoyable without constant drama and constant stress, when feelings are more natural and allowed to flow in and out. Learning when to let go of something helps us to get to that point more often.

 

 

I fully agree with you.