Update

[JaneyAmazed]

I was going to wait until 4 months D-day to update but I can't sleep and next weekend will be 4 months. This has been a roller coaster ride for sure. I'm feeling pretty good tonight. I've been seeing a counselor that has worked wonders in my life. Getting over xOM has not been easy, but I am so thankful that I have stayed NC for nearly four months now. Not only that, I have no idea what he is doing or anything about his life, and it makes it easier for me to move on. I'm one of those people that just can't handle it. It's all or nothing for me. i don't need updates on his life. It's irrelevant. I'm thankful he has honored NC as well,most likely because my H threatened him, but that's ok too. I've changed so much in the last few months. I feel so much stronger and I understand things so much better. I figured out that healing is a process that slowly moves in the right direction, but not without a few steps back once in a while. I never act on my feelings, but I "step back" when I start missing him again. The miracle is that it goes away, and those moments get fewer and fewer. Hope outshines doubt. I have suffered more than I ever thought I could but it's made me a better person. My H and I are closer than we've been in a long time. I have my friend and my lover back...the man I fell in love with 12 years ago. He's the one who fought for me. He's the one who loved me enough to not let me go. He's the one who believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. I am so thankful that I left xOM when I did. I would hate to still be living that double life, getting more emotionally attached, hating myself and dreading the future. No, my life isn't peaches and cream now but it's a heck of a lot better than the situation I was in. At the time I used love as the excuse, but I owed that love to my H, not xOM. It took a while to give my H that love back that I had so willingly given xOM. It caused some damage but the wounds are healing, and life is becoming something I never dreamed of. For those of you trying to get over someone, whether you are married or not, OW,MW, OM, MM whatever, hang in there. I promise you will see relief and you will get through this. It is a journey. Stay strong and stay focused on what is right, and do not let your emotions guide you. There will be very tough times. I've actually held the phone in my hand wanted to dial xOM's number because I missed him so much but I made myself stop. I thought about my H and the promise I made him, but mostly I thought about my journey away from xOM. I don't want anything to hinder my progress. To keep moving forward, you can't go back.

[whichwayisup]

You're out of the fog and are seeing things so much clearly now. And having a husband who is understanding and willing to give you that chance to work through this, is great.

 

Keep shutting out the exOM. Don't let yourself miss him! Distract distract distract! Don't spend any time reminising about him at all, focus on your H.

[thomasb]

I'm happy for you! It is so nice to be able to feel good about yourself. keep up the good work.

[Breezy Trousers]

I'm very happy for you, Janey. Four months of no contact is no small triumph. NC is the only way to heal a marriage. It's a good sign that your focus is on appreciating your husband rather than missing the other man. Sounds like four months of NC have gradually lifted affair fog and grounded you back into reality.

 

You and your husband can survive this thing, so don't listen to popular myth that says you can't. That myth is for people who have never worked on themselves and don't understand that transcending old patterns is possible. However, it will take lots of work in discovering how you fell into an affair and it will take work to changing patterns. The wounds don't completely go away, but you learn to work around them and pay attention to them ... Sounds like you're on your way!

 

Cheers!!

[JadedAmore]

Four months is wonderful! Congrats to you for making it so far, and I am thrilled to hear you had a SO who was willing to stick out the entire thing with you and fight for a love that he no doubt questioned himself on whether it was there or not. I wish you many years of continued happiness!

[East7]

All the fMW now just make me want to scream...

 

Janey, stop trying sooooo hard to tell us how much you love your hubby If you loved him, you'd never cheat on him in first place.

 

You are trying so hard to convince yourself that you love your husband. You dumped him emotionally and physically the day you got involved with the xOM.

 

I don't buy the idea that feelings come and go and you can switch them on and off like a lamp.

[ladydesigner]

All the fMW now just make me want to scream...

 

Janey, stop trying sooooo hard to tell us how much you love your hubby If you loved him, you'd never cheat on him in first place.

 

You are trying so hard to convince yourself that you love your husband. You dumped him emotionally and physically the day you got involved with the xOM.

 

I don't buy the idea that feelings come and go and you can switch them on and off like a lamp.

 

I believe some people can. I could not turn my feelings off after 4 months, but now (3 years post A) I have absolutely no feelings for my XOM, it is in the past and rightfully so. When a WS realizes that it is the marriage that they want it is much easier to detach from the XAP.

 

The perspective that I have now is much different. I wish I would have been this strong before the A. I never would have had one. Marriages weaken, problems enter and some of us end up having A's.

 

Janey congratulations on moving forward in your M. I understand exactly how you feel. In fact now I CANNOT believe I ever would have entertained the thought of having an A with my XAP. I was in such a bad place in my M, during my A, it was like I was totally delusional.

 

Keep moving forward in creating many more new memories with your H.

[Owl]

I don't believe that they come and go like turning off a light switch...

 

...more like turning a dimmer switch on and off.

 

The feelings grow in whichever relationship you invest in.

 

When she was investing in the relationship with OM...her feelings for OM grew and those for her husband waned.

 

When she stopped investing in the relationship with OM, and instead began focusing on her marriage and her H...her feelings for her H blossomed again, and her feelings for OM are fading.

 

I'm not sure what's so hard to 'get' about that, really. It's like that in nearly ANYTHING in our lives. The more you focus on something...the stronger you feel about/for it. When you "let it go"...those feelings slowly fade.

 

I don't think I'm hearing Janey saying that things clicked over like a light switch. But what she is describing sounds exactly like what I've seen happen many times...the slow "eye opening" that those feelings for her H never went away...they were simply masked by her focus on the affair at the time. Once the affair ended, the feelings for her H slowly returned.

[donnamaybe]

All the fMW now just make me want to scream...

 

Janey, stop trying sooooo hard to tell us how much you love your hubby If you loved him, you'd never cheat on him in first place.

 

You are trying so hard to convince yourself that you love your husband. You dumped him emotionally and physically the day you got involved with the xOM.

 

I don't buy the idea that feelings come and go and you can switch them on and off like a lamp.

PO'd because you didn't get your MP?

 

There's a whole lotta sour grapes up in here Janey. I say good for you and your hubby for making it through a tough situation. Yes, one you created yourself, but at least you owned up and took steps to make amends with your man and build a stronger M.

[BB07]

Good posts Owl and Donna and hey Janey......I'm happy for you. I've been rooting for you and your marriage all along.

 

 

PS..........I think East is going through a little anger stage there and maybe he took part of it on you. A little projection and hey we all do it at one time or another.

[East7]

PO'd because you didn't get your MP?

 

whatever Donna !!!

There's a whole lotta sour grapes up in here Janey.

 

There's nothing sour in my message...It just looks too easy to be true to me, even if working it hard it can be true.

 

I just don't understand a woman that falls in love with an OM, sleeps with him and then goes back to her H.

I just hate affairs now, it makes me sick - The only way out for me is divorce, I just can't imagine my wife cheating on me, I wouldn't be able to touch her or look at her the same way again. I feel the same way about xMW, since she went back to her H, she has recontacted me so many times to tell me that "she stills loves me" ...I have been like "WTF you are still with your H, what do you want from me?" Even if she wanted to see me and sleep with me, I just can't touch her again.

 

I just hate my xMW now ! I hate the whole idea of the A ! All her undying love was a HUGE LIE. Love is not cake-eating, love doesn't hurt, love is not cheating and coming back to the spouse !

 

I have so much anger, I'm sorry..

[bentnotbroken]

whatever Donna !!!

 

 

There's nothing sour in my message...It just looks too easy to be true to me, even if working it hard it can be true.

 

I just don't understand a woman that falls in love with an OM, sleeps with him and then goes back to her H.

I just hate affairs now, it makes me sick - The only way out for me is divorce, I just can't imagine my wife cheating on me, I wouldn't be able to touch her or look at her the same way again. I feel the same way about xMW, since she went back to her H, she has recontacted me so many times to tell me that "she stills loves me" ...I have been like "WTF you are still with your H, what do you want from me?" Even if she wanted to see me and sleep with me, I just can't touch her again.

 

I just hate my xMW now ! I hate the whole idea of the A ! All her undying love was a HUGE LIE. Love is not cake-eating, love doesn't hurt, love is not cheating and coming back to the spouse !

 

I have so much anger, I'm sorry..

 

 

You might should be sorry for letting it fly in OP's thread, but you certainly shouldn't be sorry for feeling it. It is part of the grief and healing process. If you have any kind of conscious at all, we all get to that stage.

[ladydesigner]

whatever Donna !!!

 

 

There's nothing sour in my message...It just looks too easy to be true to me, even if working it hard it can be true.

 

I just don't understand a woman that falls in love with an OM, sleeps with him and then goes back to her H.

I just hate affairs now, it makes me sick - The only way out for me is divorce, I just can't imagine my wife cheating on me, I wouldn't be able to touch her or look at her the same way again. I feel the same way about xMW, since she went back to her H, she has recontacted me so many times to tell me that "she stills loves me" ...I have been like "WTF you are still with your H, what do you want from me?" Even if she wanted to see me and sleep with me, I just can't touch her again.

 

I just hate my xMW now ! I hate the whole idea of the A ! All her undying love was a HUGE LIE. Love is not cake-eating, love doesn't hurt, love is not cheating and coming back to the spouse !

 

I have so much anger, I'm sorry..

 

East the anger is okay. I think even us WS's go through it as well. As Bent said we have to go through the grieving process to get through to the other side.

 

Here's to hoping you get to indifference soon. Hang in there:bunny:

[East7]

BTW I wonder why Janey posted in OM/OW section if she wants to talk about rebuilding the M

[BB07]

BTW I wonder why Janey posted in OM/OW section if she wants to talk about rebuilding the M

 

Probably because she caught so much grief over in infidelity.

 

East.......the anger is a good and necessary stage. Hugs.....

[JaneyAmazed]

All the fMW now just make me want to scream...

 

Janey, stop trying sooooo hard to tell us how much you love your hubby If you loved him, you'd never cheat on him in first place.

 

You are trying so hard to convince yourself that you love your husband. You dumped him emotionally and physically the day you got involved with the xOM.

 

I don't buy the idea that feelings come and go and you can switch them on and off like a lamp.

 

 

Sorry I haven't been able to check Loveshack lately but I had to respond to this. You are so wrong East. I really like you East too. I've always enjoyed your posts. I did love my husband but stopped respecting him and distanced myself from him. I fell in love with another man. It's very hard to get through trying to get over someone. You should know that. My feelings don't get switched on and off like a lamp. It has been very hard getting over xOM. Like I said, I still miss him but it doesn't mean I'm going to stop loving my husband. I do love him more than ever. I wouldn't like about that. If you saw my heart, you'd know that.Sorry you don't believe it, but I don't have to convince myself of anything. If I didn't love my husband, I wouldn't be with him. I'm sorry you feel the need to judge me so unfairly but your opinion is only your opinion. It doesn't affect me. I know what I am doing is right.

[JaneyAmazed]

I don't believe that they come and go like turning off a light switch...

 

...more like turning a dimmer switch on and off.

 

The feelings grow in whichever relationship you invest in.

 

When she was investing in the relationship with OM...her feelings for OM grew and those for her husband waned.

 

When she stopped investing in the relationship with OM, and instead began focusing on her marriage and her H...her feelings for her H blossomed again, and her feelings for OM are fading.

 

I'm not sure what's so hard to 'get' about that, really. It's like that in nearly ANYTHING in our lives. The more you focus on something...the stronger you feel about/for it. When you "let it go"...those feelings slowly fade.

 

I don't think I'm hearing Janey saying that things clicked over like a light switch. But what she is describing sounds exactly like what I've seen happen many times...the slow "eye opening" that those feelings for her H never went away...they were simply masked by her focus on the affair at the time. Once the affair ended, the feelings for her H slowly returned.

 

 

Thank you!!!! This is exactly what I was trying to say. There is no switch of on and off, but I have invested my time and energy into my husband and it has paid off. He was the one that I was meant to be with all along. xOM was a distraction and a terrible mistake. I had a low self-esteem and was very unhappy. I resorted to cheating to try to numb the pain. How wrong and stupid I was!!! My heart took over and I fell in love. I have so learned my lesson. I never want to go through that again. I feel so bad for the old me who had no one to go to or talk to about anything. I self-destructed and hurt my sweet husband in the process. Now I have lots of support, most importantly from my husband. He is amazing. I can't say it enough. He has saved me. He has made me the wife he knew I could be.

[JaneyAmazed]

Sorry I haven't been able to check Loveshack lately but I had to respond to this. You are so wrong East. I really like you East too. I've always enjoyed your posts. I did love my husband but stopped respecting him and distanced myself from him. I fell in love with another man. It's very hard to get through trying to get over someone. You should know that. My feelings don't get switched on and off like a lamp. It has been very hard getting over xOM. Like I said, I still miss him but it doesn't mean I'm going to stop loving my husband. I do love him more than ever. I wouldn't like about that. If you saw my heart, you'd know that.Sorry you don't believe it, but I don't have to convince myself of anything. If I didn't love my husband, I wouldn't be with him. I'm sorry you feel the need to judge me so unfairly but your opinion is only your opinion. It doesn't affect me. I know what I am doing is right.

 

 

For some reason I couldn't edit this. I meant to say I wouldn't lie about that. Sorry!

[JaneyAmazed]

I believe some people can. I could not turn my feelings off after 4 months, but now (3 years post A) I have absolutely no feelings for my XOM, it is in the past and rightfully so. When a WS realizes that it is the marriage that they want it is much easier to detach from the XAP.

 

The perspective that I have now is much different. I wish I would have been this strong before the A. I never would have had one. Marriages weaken, problems enter and some of us end up having A's.

 

Janey congratulations on moving forward in your M. I understand exactly how you feel. In fact now I CANNOT believe I ever would have entertained the thought of having an A with my XAP. I was in such a bad place in my M, during my A, it was like I was totally delusional.

 

Keep moving forward in creating many more new memories with your H.

 

Thanks ladydesigner. I would never come on LS to lie and convince myself of things anymore. I may have done that right at first. Now, I'm all about being honest and authentic. I just want to help others that are going through the same thing. I want them to know that NC is essential. No matter what, I want to do what is right. It is never right to carry on an affair. It is right to give my marriage a chance. I have a good man, and I am not going to lose site of that again. You wouldn't believe the changes HE'S made just to make sure our marriage is better than it was. He has stepped up to the plate and so have I. It has been a very painful journey. It's still not over, but I pressing on and my soul is growing.

[JaneyAmazed]

All the fMW now just make me want to scream...

 

Janey, stop trying sooooo hard to tell us how much you love your hubby If you loved him, you'd never cheat on him in first place.

 

You are trying so hard to convince yourself that you love your husband. You dumped him emotionally and physically the day you got involved with the xOM.

 

I don't buy the idea that feelings come and go and you can switch them on and off like a lamp.

 

I meant to say this too, East. I thought I would tell you too that I don't come on here to update for my sake. It's to help other people. It might give another xWS hope to rekindle love with a spouse. I tell people I love my hubby because it's true, and it might be the hope that someone needs. You haven't lived in my shoes so you don't know anything about my feelings. I know you are here with certain emotions regarding fMW because of your personal involvment. I've read your posts and I know how you feel about her. I want you to know that I do grieve the loss of my xOM. I cried for him just yesterday. Sometimes I still have triggers that make me miss him. It's normal and healthy to have these feelings, but it's also normal and healthy to have feelings return for my husband.

[tami-chan]

All the fMW now just make me want to scream...

 

Janey, stop trying sooooo hard to tell us how much you love your hubby If you loved him, you'd never cheat on him in first place.

 

You are trying so hard to convince yourself that you love your husband. You dumped him emotionally and physically the day you got involved with the xOM.

 

I don't buy the idea that feelings come and go and you can switch them on and off like a lamp.

 

So what would you have her do?

[Heather1]

I'm glad Janey, I know how hard it is. After a long stint w/ LC, I finally went NC a few months ago. We'll see if my M has a chance? I think we had problems way before the A, or I did. My H knows, and he's been great. No dday though. The PA has been over for quite a while now.

 

I've been doing these self esteem workbooks & trying to figure out what the next chapter of my life is going to be. My options are stay w/ my H, or try to make it on my own & that's been my biggest struggle. I know my H still loves me & wants me to stay. I now know that OM could really care less what I do, which in some ways makes it easier for me to remain NC.

 

I've learned a lot!!!

 

I'm so glad to hear you're doing well!! I know it's hard, I like the dimmer theory. I think my stage of grief right now is a tad bit of depression. Not too bad, but I'm past the anger stage. I'm not pissed at him anymore, just a little sad that it wasn't very mutual. Glad I'm finally out!!

[JaneyAmazed]

I'm glad Janey, I know how hard it is. After a long stint w/ LC, I finally went NC a few months ago. We'll see if my M has a chance? I think we had problems way before the A, or I did. My H knows, and he's been great. No dday though. The PA has been over for quite a while now.

 

I've been doing these self esteem workbooks & trying to figure out what the next chapter of my life is going to be. My options are stay w/ my H, or try to make it on my own & that's been my biggest struggle. I know my H still loves me & wants me to stay. I now know that OM could really care less what I do, which in some ways makes it easier for me to remain NC.

 

I've learned a lot!!!

 

I'm so glad to hear you're doing well!! I know it's hard, I like the dimmer theory. I think my stage of grief right now is a tad bit of depression. Not too bad, but I'm past the anger stage. I'm not pissed at him anymore, just a little sad that it wasn't very mutual. Glad I'm finally out!!

 

It's good to hear from you Heather. I think you're on the right track. I think the hard thing me has been that my husband has been so forgiving. I feel like I needed him to be extra hard on me, but then I realized I was doing that so myself. Letting go of the past is like stripping away layers at a time. I like the dimmer theory as well. My counselor told me that it is normal to miss xOM and the excitement that brought into my life, but it will pass. I always remind myself "This too shall pass." If I didn't love my husband or really believe in our marriage, I think I'd just try to make it on my own. I wouldn't put my husband through the pain he has gone through again. I like the saying, "When you know better, you do better." I do know better now. So do you. I think you're on the right track with the self-esteem workbooks. When we can learn to love ourselves again, it gives us courage and strength we didn't have before. It has given me courage and strength I never though was possible.

[East7]

I meant to say this too, East. I thought I would tell you too that I don't come on here to update for my sake. It's to help other people. It might give another xWS hope to rekindle love with a spouse. I tell people I love my hubby because it's true, and it might be the hope that someone needs. You haven't lived in my shoes so you don't know anything about my feelings. I know you are here with certain emotions regarding fMW because of your personal involvment. I've read your posts and I know how you feel about her. I want you to know that I do grieve the loss of my xOM. I cried for him just yesterday. Sometimes I still have triggers that make me miss him. It's normal and healthy to have these feelings, but it's also normal and healthy to have feelings return for my husband.

 

Ok, I admit I have been somehow harsh Janey...I'm sorry.

Truth is fMW has hurt me a lot not only by throwing me under the bus but also she would not leave me alone for months coming back and forth. Plus my situation was a little different, I was a single OM, and I really wanted her in my life.

 

What I can tell is that your husband had a huge responsibility in your A. Maybe thats why he sucked it up and agreed so easily to work on your marriage. Hubby was great because he knew he was guilty, don't you think...?

 

Anyway if you two have decided to stay together, good for you. Good luck

[JaneyAmazed]

Ok, I admit I have been somehow harsh Janey...I'm sorry.

Truth is fMW has hurt me a lot not only by throwing me under the bus but also she would not leave me alone for months coming back and forth. Plus my situation was a little different, I was a single OM, and I really wanted her in my life.

 

What I can tell is that your husband had a huge responsibility in your A. Maybe thats why he sucked it up and agreed so easily to work on your marriage. Hubby was great because he knew he was guilty, don't you think...?

 

Anyway if you two have decided to stay together, good for you. Good luck

 

East, I totally understand. I know you were hurt by a fMW, and I'm sorry for the way she treated you. I've learned from you because I knew I didn't want to be "that girl" who keeps going back to OM. I wanted to prove that a fMW can make the right choices again. I do miss my xOM and his friendship. People are quick to condemn the OM but he is a person, another human being, who is also worthy and deserving of a good life. At first I didn't think I'd get the feelings back for my husband that once had. I really worried. I prayed and prayed, and little by little those feelings came back. As far as my husband's role in my affair, I will never justify the affair. I could have made a better choice than to cheat on him, but he has realized that our marriage was in trouble way before the affair. We both lost site of our priorities. I feel so good knowing that he cares enough to want to make our marriage work. I don't take that for granted at all. We are getting through this. I just want to give hope to others. I've needed hope so bad, and sometimes haven't felt it all. East, you're a good guy. I could tell from the first post I read of yours. First class all the way.