osurmin Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 I found out about 5 months ago my wife was having an affair with another married guy. He left his wife and she left me and they are going to be together. I don't think his wife knows he had an affair. Should I tell her? My IC said not to, but I'm really bothered that she's and he's not paying the full consequences of the affair. Is a bad idea to tell her?
Yasuandio Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 I found out about 5 months ago my wife was having an affair with another married guy. He left his wife and she left me and they are going to be together. I don't think his wife knows he had an affair. Should I tell her? My IC said not to, but I'm really bothered that she's and he's not paying the full consequences of the affair. Is a bad idea to tell her? If you want to end it fast: Please check the Marriage Builders website. They recommend EXPOSURE. The light of day ruins the secret fantasy "fog" influence they are under right now. You reasoning is simple. You are trying to save your marriage, period. What better reason then that to bring the facts to the light of day. Tell the spouse, employer, church, friends, relatives -- in the name of saving your marriage. Wrong is wrong. There are other options: Think this over carefully though. Read also Marriage Builders Plan A and Plan B. Look at Divorce Busters, 180, and NC. Some of these strategies may require you to "eat it" for a while, or a good long while. But YOU may come out on top. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 I found out about 5 months ago my wife was having an affair with another married guy. He left his wife and she left me and they are going to be together. I don't think his wife knows he had an affair. Should I tell her? My IC said not to, but I'm really bothered that she's and he's not paying the full consequences of the affair. Is a bad idea to tell her? You should, even more so now that your w is with him. You and his wife could talk about stuff and help eachother. this isn't about him suffering consquences, it's about his wife's right to know the truth. Are there kids involved in this situation? If so, then YES! She needs to know that her kids might be around another woman! Usually when two cheating spouses are caught, both betrayed spouses are made aware of the affair.
Author osurmin Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Why would my IC tell me not to? Is there some legal ramifications that could come back to bite me?
whichwayisup Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Is your IC a marriage counsellor? If no, then that's why. IC's are usually for the one person, the client..In your best interest only. I suggest that if you are questioning your IC, find another one who specializes in MC. ESpecially if you and your wife have kids, you're going to need to learn how to co parent together and an IC can't do that, a trained MC can!
whichwayisup Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Legal troubles? I highly doubt it since your W and her H are together. If you feel she needs to know, tell her. She should have the information, this way she can decide if she wants to fight for her H or file for divorce.
SoMovinOn Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Why tell? It won't help you. It won't help the BS. The idea that there is something noble or worthwhile in "truth" is a myth. Ignorance is bliss. Don't spoil someone else's bliss. Forget your ex-wife. Forget her AP and his BS. Move forward with *your* life.
whichwayisup Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Reverse the situation. Would you want to be told the truth by his wife if you didn't know what was going on? Having that information to help you make a decision? Just think about it. Need to ask, has your IC discouraged you? If you do decide to talk to this guys wife, will your IC support your decision to do this?
Author osurmin Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 I believe the OM/BS have already filed. I am filing soon to. I didn't want to tell BS before because I didnt feel it was my place to, and I thought shed find out eventually. But it's been almost 6 months. I feel like he's getting away with it. I'm so conflicted, I dont want be vengeful, but I don't want to help them be together....
pureinheart Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Why tell? It won't help you. It won't help the BS. The idea that there is something noble or worthwhile in "truth" is a myth. Ignorance is bliss. Don't spoil someone else's bliss. Forget your ex-wife. Forget her AP and his BS. Move forward with *your* life. SMO...so good to see you and see the voice of reason, I really needed that! To OP, and this is not to negate what I said to SMO, this is just my past situation. My H at that time all of a sudden was gone constantly, he was always at his "friends" house. I didn't think too much of it...then one night it was about midnight and I called him and he got all crazy on me and then didn't come home...long story short...he left a few days later to move in with his "friend". I suspected there was someone else. I move on and life after about a month started going REALLY great for me...got my old job back, came into a bunch of money and met the guy of my dreams...BUT there was this open-ended item to take care of and I didn't quite know how to handle it in a spiritual sense. I didn't feel like I could file for divorce unless infidelity was involved. Well during my perplexed state I got a letter from my husbands "friend" stating that my husband and his wife had been having an affair all of that time and that he had moved out after they "let" him know they were an item. This letter gave me the spiritual peace I needed to move on. I don't think something like this should ever be done in spite or revenge, and most definitely not gossip.
Author osurmin Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Why tell? It won't help you. It won't help the BS. The idea that there is something noble or worthwhile in "truth" is a myth. Ignorance is bliss. Don't spoil someone else's bliss. Forget your ex-wife. Forget her AP and his BS. Move forward with *your* life. I think it actually would help the BS. I'm sure he is telling her they are getting divorced because of her. My wife was telling me she was done and the reason were all because me (I didnt help enough, I wasnt attentive enough, I abandoned her) - after I found out a lot of her actions and our arguements become more clear as to why. - the affair. She still wants to get divorced party because I think she wants to realtionship to continue. I think the other BS should know the real reason, or a least the cataclyst for their divorce. I'm just no sure if I should tell her, but if I don't, I think she'll never know the truth. Part of me wants the affair to go on, so that it will fall apart on its own - I know most do. I would be very upset if they did stay together.
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