SKEETERZX Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 I am a fairly new member here but a long time reader. I was reading the second chance forums about a 2 months ago when my girlfriend broke up with me. We had only been together for a few months so I can't relate to the people that are breaking up after years and years, but I will still share my story. Everything was going good up until a couple weeks before she broke up with me stating she didn't think I could make her happy, didn't have much in common, etc. I have my own opinions on what happened, which I think a lot of it was her best friend influencing her. Everything was fine with us and then her best friend comes to town for 3 weeks to visit and during the time her friend was here, I did not see my ex ONE time and eventually she quit taking my calls, avoiding me, until I saw her one day and straight up asked her and then she gave me the above excuses. Well I was obviously upset and I told her that I felt she was making a mistake and then went on to tell her that she wasn't perfect in the relationship and she obviously let her friends take all her time, put me on the back burner, always made me wait until 2 hours before we were supposed to do something in order to decide if she was going to grace me with her presence. I was never mean to her and did not bad mouth her in any way. We work together(I know bad idea:D) and I decided I was going to be myself and not let it bother me. I was very friendly with her and we still talked outside of work. I could tell she was confused as to why I was so happy go lucky and she did a lot of prodding and prying as to what I was doing with myself. I gave her pretty vague answers. Well about a month after she ended it, she out of the blue tells me that she wants to go fishing. She heard me telling another co-worker that I was going fishing that weekend. Fishing was the first date we ever had in the beginning. I told her I would have to see and I would let her know. Well the day I was supposed to go fishing, I ended up having to work(which made it easier for me since I didn't have to make the decision on to take her or not because I hadn't given her an answer yet). So I tell her about a week later that I would like to meet her somewhere for coffee and talk, so she can tell me why she suddenly wants to hang out with me. She agrees to the day I suggested and we meet. She basically tells me she's sorry and she really wants to be with me, but her feelings about us having different upbringings and views kinda bothered her and that's why she ended things when she did, but her feelings for me outweighed her opinions even though we still don't agree on everything and never will. I told her that I'm not gonna be the type of guy to agree with everything she says or how she feels and I hope she doesn't want a guy like that. Fast foward to now and we have agreed to take things slow and try it again. I wasn't perfect in the relationship and am trying to work on the things I did wrong. At the same time she wasn't perfect and pretty much everything I told her that I felt she did wrong in the relationship like not ever making plans, not being able to multi task with friends and the guy she's dating etc......she admitted to and I can tell she is definatley trying to change those things. She calls me now when she's with her friends, makes plans a week ahead of time, and just has a different attitude about her and I really applaud her for that. She is trying to change even though she was the one who ended it with me originally. I don't know if it will work in the long run....no one can predict the future in my relationship or any relationship but I'm going to give it a go. And I'm sorry that this post goes against the traditional NC rule.
Leda Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Skeeter, I'm so glad to hear things are working out. I appreciate you posting this. I personally think No Contact is a great tool for: --Anyone who, for whatever reason, WANTS to move on and not be with their ex again --Anyone whose ex was or is physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive in any way, so they HAVE to move on, the way you HAVE to quit drinking if you drink a fifth of bourbon alone every night --Anyone whose ex is wishy-washy and sends a lot of mixed messages I think it is not necessarily always the best strategy for people who want their exes back, AND: --their exes are generally straightfoward, honest people and secure communicators...and have left due to ambivalence about the relationship --the categories "dumper" and "dumpee" aren't as clear-cut and black and white as many posters frame them on LoveShack...and your "dumper"(?) might not know how you feel It should not be used as a game or a manipulation strategy, in my opinion. Manipulation may work to re-attract a toxic person in the short term, or even long term. But heart-on-sleeve emotional bravery and honesty, and clear, secure communication will: --screen out people who really don't want you, or are toxic or wishy-washy --feel WAY better --allow you to connect with someone intimately who is a good match for your real, natural style and likes you the way you are. People in real life get shy, scared, and confused and aren't always great emotional communicators, and some of those same people can still make great partners. They just might handle regretting leaving you by testing the waters and fishing a little, instead of going to your door and begging. That's not always "breadcrumbs," the way it's often framed here--most people look for security and reassurance. If you ignore your "dumper's" contact, in many cases it can keep the desire for reconciliation from even coming out.
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