PratyekaYana Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 *Instead of starting from a completely blank state, I took a few blocks of text from my journal and simply pasted them here since they pretty much express the subject of this thread. So, if you feel that the writing is in some places disjointed, I apologize ahead of time for a less-than-stellar reading experience. "I have never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude." --Thoreau Had you questioned me on the lackluster condition of my romantic affairs a year earlier, I might have been liable to confess the many crippling fears of isolation that haunted my thoughts as well as the resulting manifestation of need that stemmed from that fear. The reasons behind my yearning are still not entirely clear to me now, but, back then, I was consumed with the desire to establish and maintain a relationship with that idealized Special Someone. She was to be the answer to the void of meaningful connection, revitalization for what I assumed to be my withered heart, that I believed made my life somehow incomplete and deficient. Not surprisingly, I never found her. How many of us chasing ideals are ever really successful in stumbling upon them? Eventually, I settled on a new strategy for removing the fear that I spoke of above. Over the course of that year, I began to orient the bulk of my focus toward the internal landscape rather than toward the pursuit of some fabled missing half. A combination of meditation and other spiritual exercises helped me to uncover a dazzling world contained unexpectedly within the boundaries of self, and, gradually, that world became enough for me. Now, before any of you worry that the creator has become lost in his creation, let me affirm something. The external world still has some value for me. I still have a social life, and my professional sphere is as vibrant as ever. When I say that the internal world became "enough for me," I mean to say that I found a kind of contented fulfillment that external powers are unable to bestow. Here is the problem. Contrasting dramatically with my situation a year prior, I now find that women are far more likely to make attempts to enter my life in the capacity that I before sought. I'm pursued more steadily now than I have been during my entire life. The issue arises in the fact that, to be as forthright and blunt as I can be, I don't care. I've had some rather remarkable ladies throw their affections my way (or hint strongly that they'd like for me to initiate by doing the same), but the desire that I once had is absent. Virtually nothing interests me about them any longer. Sure, the hormonal component yells just as loudly as it did before, but physical gratification isn't enough. Their internal qualities (wonderful though they may be) just don't pique my interest, and I find that the prospect of having a relationship with someone has become horribly bland for me. Why is that, and have any of you at LS been in a similar predicament?
daphne Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 I hope you don't speak to these women in the same flowery language. Honestly, I think you'd be better off to stop trying to find some "ideal" and deal with people as they are. There's the real world, and then the fantasy one that it sounds like you're looking for your dream girl (or were.) There's nothing wrong with being single, but to choose it because no woman matches up to what is probably an unachievable expectation is, imo, very foolish. As for your other problem, that's not really a problem.
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