Brokenhearttornapart Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 (edited) Today was an interesting day for me, I found out why my husband left me. it was the jealousy and the insecurities. I wish I could get a mulligan...I wish I knew what I know now. I wish that he would give me another chance, but I know he won't. It's killing me *knowing* what the issues were that ruined my marriage and knowing that I can't do anything now to fix them have you guys gone through the same thing? and how in the world can I possibly win him back? I mean I have been changing ever since a week before he broke our marriage up when he "gave me one last shot" which turned out to be just to shut me up from begging him back. Now he is depressed. He sleeps all the time (until 1:30pm today and since 6:30pm EST-right now until I don't know when) and is drinking alcohol more often now. I really really hate that I drove him to this point and I don't know what to do. He wants me out by June 19th (which is great that he's letting me live with him since my job only lets me work 1-2 days a week, across the nation my employer Crossmark has pretty much shat on their employee's days). Here's my plan: *Get a full time job *Move out *Save up with that full time job *Go to College *Prove to him that I am no longer jealous/insecure somehow I just need help with that last part... how does one prove such a thing? He's one of those "I'll see it to believe it" types, but you can't really see jealousy right? I mean not in a literal sense... *sigh* I wish I knew what to do. Someone please help - this is my 4th post this week and no one has responded to any of them even though I've gotten like 100 views on each it will be really really appreciated. (((my last posts were - *le sigh*, *hating this*, and *turning my life around while heart sick))) Edited April 30, 2011 by Brokenhearttornapart
Yasuandio Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Sorry you didn't get responses. That is rare. There are a lot of unanswered questions. I cannot look back at the moment, so please forgive if some of these questions are answered. How long have you been married? Who is/has moved out where, why, when, and how many times? How did all this jelousy/insecurity begin? History please. What does the jelousy/insecurity look like? Please describe. Do you know why you do this? Is H involved in some way with these feelings? Is H completely inocent? Let's explore some of these for the LS forum so they may better interpret your situation.
Author Brokenhearttornapart Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Hey thank you for your response! I am so glad that i'm not alone on here! I'll go over your questions and answer them in bold (I like formatting a little too much sometimes lol)::: "Sorry you didn't get responses. That is rare. There are a lot of unanswered questions. I cannot look back at the moment, so please forgive if some of these questions are answered." No big deal, some of them were but I don't expect anyone to read like a novel worth of questions and stuff that I've asked :] I just appreciate the feedback on this one "How long have you been married?" Hubby and I have only been married since June 19, 2010. That is also the day this year that he wants me to move out. Kinda ironic and sad IMHO... "Who is/has moved out where, why, when, and how many times?" Since we have been together, we have never moved apart. A little background into our at the time epic love story::: we met on Farm Town, a Facebook gaming Application, had no idea what the other looked like. We started FB chatting every night after friending each other (for literally a month until like 8am every night/we lost a lot of sleep). He was living in Texas and I in North Carolina. He came to visit me for a weekend to meet me and we hit it off big time - like even more than we already had on the phone for that month. Coincidentally, he was laid off like 4 days later and decided to move out here to be with me (and he also left his 7 year old son, but he didn't have custody of him anyway and he would see him more this way, being 1000 miles away so it was a win win situation). He then packed his Ford Focus with all of his belongings (and selling what he could on craigslist for one night) and slouched forward while driving (since he had so much stuff) for 16 hours straight so he could get here to North Carolina. We were SO in love - we got a apartment for months and then we rented a house - the same house i'm in now. I'll go into further details on the next questions. "How did all this jelousy/insecurity begin? History please." Before he first moved here, we told each other about our past relationship histories. To sum it up - i'm 24 and I've been with 3 people (including him) in my whole life. He has been with 70 something and pretty much proclaimed himself a "whore" when he was a teenager. His back story involved many many ex girlfriends that he was still friends with. The Jealousy/Insecurity started when he showed me his letters he still kept from old ex girlfriends that wrote him while he was in the Marines. It really started developing even more when he told me about one particular ex - the most recent, that he had left that past March (this was around August I wanna say). This particular ex was a psycho and would e-mail him stuff like "how's the sex life?" and horrible things. He would tell me about them and I would be infuriated. I wanted to fight back, but he said that she would just "stir up more drama" - it hurt me that all he was doing was letting his gmail fill up and not tell the girl to get a life. I really really messed up after that - I should have asked him what she was writing, but by this point we were fighting any time her name was brought up because he knew my stance of - defend our relationship - tell her to grow up, and his was - "that won't do anything, she will just look at it as a way to feed her drama and continue, I know her better than you do we just have to ignore her". "What does the jealousy/insecurity look like? Please describe." It was so ugly. I became this person that i'm not and to this day I resent my actions. I resent the fact that I snooped his e-mails 3 times in the period of a year (I'll explain why in the next questions), there are a lottt of regrets on my part. I hurt him emotionally and that's not cool. "Do you know why you do this?" I didn't at the time. When he gave me "one last shot" a week before leaving me (which that turned out to be just a way to shut me up from begging him back and he apologized profusely for it) - I implemented that one last shot. Even today I'm using that last shot in a good way (even if it wasn't real). To explain why I did the snooping and why I was so jealous of his ghosts from his past and women that I had certain triggers with:: Every relationship I've ever been involved in, I've either been cheated on or left behind for someone else. My hubby/ex hubby/however you want to call him, I viewed as this perfect man - and instead of trusting in us, I went into attack mode to other women and didn't trust them at all. I looked at them as potential threats and I wasn't having that. After writing in my journal for a week (the one last shot week), it helped me realize that it wasn't them that was hurting us, it was me. I just wish I had that mulligan and could know what I know now back then and not do it and feel better - have that self worth, lack of comparisons of me and them, and ultimately more trust in him than lack of trust in them. They shouldn't have mattered, but they did - each of them in their own way "Is H involved in some way with these feelings?" oh absolutely - we used to talk on the phone all the time and then when we lived together, the dynamic started to change. I didn't have a job and I was living off of him. He was not happy about my lack of motivation, and when the ex girlfriends came into the internet picture, he's one of those "I feel comfortable in my own skin and I have more female friends" types. Being that I was so reserved and had a lack of experience with woman-man platonic friendships, my mind was blown. We then had it out after the psycho ex thing and healed. After that, another ex who was having problems in her marriage would come to him about them and that made me horribly uncomfortable at the time. I was hurt and lashed out at him. I then snooped again in the e-mails and he caught me. The second time, I really thought that I was done doing it so I promised him I wouldn't ever again (which I didn't know why I was doing it in the first place so I should have gotten help at this point but didn't). I ended up with this job and we had a female friend of mine (who was younger and I had no issue with, he's older than me by 6 years and she was younger than me by 3 so it felt more like a big brother little sister dynamic) live with us because she was in a bad living situation (his idea that I was more than happy with). Well she ended up screwing us over by mooching off of us for months, never paying us back, and making an ass out of my H at her 21st birthday party when she wanted him and his friend to DJ and then nobody liked their Techno (when she told them that they would, and they turned out to be a bunch of rap loving people). Well anyway, back to the subject - she moved out and then he started his company. (I'll answer the next question now because it ties in). "Is H completely inocent?" The last e-mail snoop wasn't completely evolved around this concept, but it did have a little do it with it. So he starts his company and then becomes absorbed with company work - slowly, but eventually completely ignoring us. His business partner hires this woman (I'll just call her OW) and during our first meeting with her, H tells me to pretend that we're not married, because in the business world, he doesn't want to make it look like we had a "mom and pop shop" - I, knowing nothing of the business world was completely hurt. Now I know - because she was being interviewed for the position and I don't resent how I felt at that point because I didn't understand. H's business partner says that she's cute and all of this stuff and H tells him not to get involved with fraternizing, but on the way home smiles and jokes around with business partner about OW. Okay so after this OW gets promoted to COO position and with H being CEO, if any of you know anything about business, you know that CEO and COO work hand in hand. All of that time that we had been spending together before was now replaced by her to him, instead of me to him. They were working together online until 3-4am for a month or so and I was completely hurt. We had a meeting in our home town (she lives a couple of towns over) and H was changing out of his business suit back into his regular clothes in the back of a hotel conference room we had gotten. Our CTO said something like "don't look, H is changing" and everyone (but her) stopped looking. I looked over at her because I was already iffy about her. She was GLARING at my husband! And I don't mean just a "Ooh you're hot" way, but it was creepy. So watching her stare for a good minute and a half, I felt it was inappropriate and said something. I was like "umm you can stop looking at him now" and she left the room. She would then be this hard working angel in his eyes and he would compliment her work around me constantly. It made me sick. Yes, I had no idea about the business world and he had involved me to become apart of his team, but I had no idea what the heck I was doing and it showed. Her work though (since she had previously owned her own company before) showed as well in contrast to mine. The business partner (we would later find out) was talking to her in sexual ways and every time something would come up about him, OW would come to my H about it. To me (he denies it to this day) they formed a bond over talking **** about the business partner. In their eyes, he knew nothing about business and they would pity him from what I understand. It made me even sicker when she came over to our house while business partner was at his job and talked about him behind his back. I felt like he was being betrayed, but I also felt like it wasn't professional to talk about anything other than business. So anyway, after months of already having that creepy trigger and knowing that they were bonding and we were getting further and further away from each other, I took that last snoop. I wish I hadn't. I found this e-mail where I sent out to everyone about this 55 page document I edited and she had sent HIM an e-mail back from the thread joking around with him about how I didn't have to edit it in the first place and he was like "shh" which REALLY hurt me. Even to this day, I feel like I was the ass of the joke in that one. Anyway, the last e-mail was her joking around with him about it and saying at the end "Well you have to live with her. LOL" -- that by far REALLY really hurt me. I was like "wow really?" and "am I really that bad to live with?" - he said I had overreacted and that they were just joking. I honestly didn't find it all that funny. So apparently that was the last straw with him. I sent OW an e-mail telling her that if she thought that I was mad about anything (referring to the fact that she thought that I was mad upon finding out that I didn't have to edit this document in the first place) that she could come to me and that things like that really didn't make me mad (if he had known prior then yes I would have been, but he didn't know that we didn't need the document until after). OW then goes on to send him a IM message stating that she's "confused" about my message (total bs!) and he takes her side, in telling me that it was not only okay for her to come to him about it, but that anyone with an issue should "come to him" instead of trying to resolve the issue together. I can't tell you how mad I was that he was taking up for her. I felt so betrayed. Well anyway, things started drifting further and further away with us and this impass that we we had hit (spell check). They were on the same work schedule together, same sleep schedule and one night she had to go to the hospital for "salmonella", she wasn't throwing up so H questioned her about it. She said that her live in boyfriend that she lives off of had "hit her in the forehead" and of course H now looks at him as some ******* that she should get rid of. I feel bad for anyone who gets abused, don't get me wrong - but I wouldn't be surprised if all of this was over her pining over H. H doesn't see OW's attraction for him at all. So, he leaves me over my insecurities and jealousy and OW and H are going to NY next month for a business meeting. I already told him not to be surprised if OW tries something. Now that we are separated, he could essentially do stuff with her, BUT he flat out told me nothing would happen. Since I have changed, i believe him. Still, he toyed around with the idea of letting OW and two other co-workers rent out rooms in our house when I move out for $400 a month each. Funny since OW doesn't have job how that would work out. He said it "wasn't a guarantee" but I wouldn't be surprised if one night she goes from her bedroom to his. I feel I've lost him and he didn't even realize that he's been involved in a Emotional Affair (he stated that he hated these words, but admitted that the trust and respect had transferred from me to her so... yeah it sucks.). He's innocent, he's just naive of OW's intentions "Let's explore some of these for the LS forum so they may better interpret your situation."
Author Brokenhearttornapart Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Today is a little tough for me, knowing that it is now May and last month my husband left me. I have been searching online for jobs and going to different places. I'm about to leave to apply at two temp agencies and hope that they can help me also. The way I see it, it's better to have people to help you when you are getting no results by yourself. I'm depressed. Last night out of habit I reached for a kiss but pulled myself back. I know he means business and I know I need to get out. I know all of these things that I have to do, but what I don't know is how to handle all of this. I've given up trying to fix things because you can't fix the feelings of someone who doesn't love you anymore. You can just hope that someday they will change their mind. Last night we were arguing and eating our anniversary cake (which had we stayed together would have been eating on 6-19). I'm motivated to get a job but not happy personally. I have to leave to do the temp agency thing, but I'll be back on here later. If any of you want to comment, cool... if not, I guess loveshack will become my online forum diary or something... idk....
worldgonewrong Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I've given up trying to fix things because you can't fix the feelings of someone who doesn't love you anymore. You can just hope that someday they will change their mind. Exactly. And you also have to get comfortable with the idea that they might not change their mind, as hard as that is to face.
worlybear Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Sorry for what you're going through. I read your latest posts and was practically tripping over red flags. Despite his presumed innocence re co-worker I think that you need to do some real digging as it's likely that he's already in a relationship with her. By the way don't beat yourself up about being insecure- I think your suspicions are well-founded and his denial is classic behaviour for a cheater. Sit down with him and quietly ask for the truth. You may not get it from him- but his response to your request will help clarify things for you. Hugs:bunny::bunny:
Author Brokenhearttornapart Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 i'm back and I feel beyond stupid. Apparently the temp agencies that I was going for today are open on Tuesdays at 9:00am and 1:30pm, not Mondays. I apparently got my days mixed up. Unfortunately I do work tomorrow so I'll have to go to the 9am application time instead. I went up there confident and motivated and I got two puzzled looks. Instead of telling me "hey today is monday" they just kind of looked at me confused and I looked around, no one else was there, and I asked and got my answer - wrong day... oops I flat out told him last night that if he does anything with OW and I'm trusting of him right now that i'm going to feel like such an idiot (he had previously told me he needed his "me" space). I do trust in him but with the fact that I snooped and I was so insecure and jealous of everyone that he was around, I don't really blame him for leaving me. At the same token, I do wish that we would have gotten help for our issues way earlier (like the first time I snooped) so this wouldn't have happened. H's issue is that once he makes up his mind, there is no going back. He is one of those men that sees in black and white, I mean you could ask him and he would tell you that, i'm not talking badly about him or anything. When he wants something, he goes for it and that's not me anymore. He now has this completely jaded look on marriage and sees it as something he'll never do again, which obviously hurts because that means that later on he wouldn't do that with me again. It also means that I ruined his take on marriage. See in Texas, you can sign papers and be separated for a month and then BAM! you're done. In North Carolina however, you have to be living in separate places with the intention of not getting back together for a year and then you are officially divorced after signing papers. He resents the law and feels even more trapped. I've changed my outlook on my issues, but like I said to him, I cannot change North Carolina law. I cannot go back in time and sign a pre-nup. He's paranoid that i'm going to try to take his money, his company, and his things. I do not know how to make it any clearer to him that I'm not out for that. I've loved him and I still do and I just can't grasp how H can give me shot after shot and then when I actually do learn from my behavior and when I correct it (and try to show him that I have), how H could not only not forgive me but completely shut himself off. I love him and I know that's who he is. The situation looks bad in his favor regarding how much I should trust him in others eyes - I've been told by almost everyone that I've talked to so far about this that i should be cautious and that I have been right for my insecurities, but he is a private person - that's who he is. I messed that up. I never knew what to think of separation in regards to how to react if he were to have sex or make out with another person while we're still technically married. It makes me sick and disgusted to think of it, but it makes me feel even worse knowing his stance - that if we are separated, he feels that he can just go and do whatever he wants and pretend like we aren't married. When he said those things, I said to him an empty threat - that if I had proof, I would take OW to court. He then jumped into attack mode, stating that he would then have to go to court to "prove himself" as not cheating and that he would go after me with all he's got (law suits, you name it - he's capable of hurting a lot of people). He then went on to say that if I hired a P.I and if I let him into "his" house (which why would I do that in the first place?) that he would shoot them then ask questions later. Something I made clear to him - I would never hire anyone to come to "his" house, let alone knowing the fact that he has this "shoot on site" frame of mind. I told him that I simply "couldn't stand OW" and he laughed. He then explained his laughter by stating that I had never said it before. I looked at him and told him that she is partially to blame on the end of our marriage and he flipped. He stated that it was not her fault, but ours alone. It was one of those many type of moments where he would say "I'm not defending her, but..." and angered me. Funny how one could say that they transferred their trust and respect from me to someone else and then not blame the other person for even partially ruining our marriage. He went on to say that it would have been the same way for anyone - even any guy, basically trying to reassure me that he didn't have anything for her (which I do believe but I think he felt like he had to overcompensate because of my past attitude). At the worst part of our argument, he stated that he would wait until this lease is up and then I would never see him again. He knows I still love him. He knows that I screwed up. Does he realize that I have changed and that I could careless about his trip with OW to NY? I have no idea. There is nothing I can do to fix this so I won't try. I can just take care of my 3 year old daughter and in the back of my mind hope that someday he'll see me for me, not for who I used to be. *sigh* He left to interview some guy to be ahead of one of his departments and won't be back until later on tonight. The old me would have questioned if he ran off to see her, but not anymore. Too little, too late I guess. Thanks for your support everyone
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