tigressA Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 I started a new job last week, and I've had to deal with some attention from my male coworkers. Nothing has come even close to crossing the line into harassment, but I want to be sure that I'm not leading anyone on while not being ice-cold--I don't want to ruin the 'friendly professional' dynamic. There's one guy in particular who I see around multiple times a day. When we first talked I mentioned my boyfriend and that I'm living with him (he asked if I was new to the area, I said I moved a few weeks ago, he asked who I moved with). Earlier today we bantered a little bit and then later he said, "So could I call you sometime? Would your boyfriend have a problem with that?" I said, "It depends on what kind of phone calls they'd be." He said he wasn't looking for a relationship, just "friendship stuff". I don't have a phone number right now so he gave me his. I felt really caught off-guard so I just accepted it in a sort of dumbfounded way. Naturally, I don't plan on calling him. As so many here on LS have said, pretty much no guy wants to be just friends with a girl. Anyone got any pointers for me as to how to deal with him from here on out?
threebyfate Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Maintain cool, professional distance by stopping the banter. If he keeps coming onto you just say "You seem like a nice guy but I'm a little uncomfortable with the type of attention you're giving to me. Let's just keep it friendly and professional, okay?".
johan Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Give his number back. Tell him you don't need any "friends".
Author tigressA Posted April 30, 2011 Author Posted April 30, 2011 Thanks for the input. I'll implement both the next time I see him. I know from my copious dating threads it may seem like I should already know how to nip this stuff in the bud, but I really am still an amateur when it comes to managing this sort of attention. I tend to retain a bit of my late-bloomer self by not expecting it, and react in a way that can be likened to a deer in headlights. I also think it's conceited to assume every guy who tries to talk to me is trying to put the moves on me. I only realize it until later, or when someone else tells me, and then I feel b*tchy when I have to be distant from there on out.
snug.bunny Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 This question doesn't really pertain to dating...This is a co-worker, so just treat it as such and you should be fine.
Imajerk17 Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Tell the guy at work that you appreciate him giving you his number, but that you want to keep your friendship at work only. That is a way of letting him know that you are respecting your relationship in a way that allows him to save face.
mo mo Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 I wanna come to your crib and ravage you on the bed you and your bf sleep on Would your bf have a problem with that?
dispatch3d Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 (edited) *rolls eyes* I was just thinking about how annoying girls are when befriending them. I've gotten them dropping the "boyfriend" even when I was making no effort/forward advances at all. Which I never understood. It's annoying, like really really annoying. Anyhow, at least I know it's not me it's them. To answer your question, yes some guys just want to be friends with girls. Some guys just want to be left alone on this front initially . The most annoying recent instance I can think of was I was in the same group as this girl, and me and her were both working on the project together. However, she avoided meeting with me at school (?!?! okay whatever). Then she said lets walk to the coffee shop and talk about it. Okay, cool, we did. Then we scheduled a meeting for her house (?!?! I'd rather meet at the school.....wtf). Then she dropped the oh my boyfriend's from the same place you are blablabla. Lol gawd I just want to work on my law project! Edited May 1, 2011 by dispatch3d
dispatch3d Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 lol gawd I read the replies. Some people are just FRIENDLY. haha. Maybe he just moved to the city and doesn't have any friends. Everyone's world doesn't revolve around your vagina . Haha okay that was vulgar, but it's the internet so... blah I found it funny !
D-Lish Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 lol gawd I read the replies. Some people are just FRIENDLY. haha. Maybe he just moved to the city and doesn't have any friends. Everyone's world doesn't revolve around your vagina . Haha okay that was vulgar, but it's the internet so... blah I found it funny ! Maybe they are" just friendly" with the vaginas that aren't attached to a hottie- but if you see what Tig looks like, I doubt a dude's going to go out of his way to "simply be friends with her". If this guy was handing out his number asking for friendship to the "old vagina" at the front desk, or the "obese vagina" in the corner office- you might have a point.
mortensorchid Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Oh no. Whatever you do, don't give this person your number and do not try to have any kind of relationship with this person outside of work. It will be nothing but trouble. You can be friendly at work, if this person really was concerned about being friendly. And if this person is being annoying to you in any way, shape or form, be cold and unfriendly towards him. He will eventually get the message if you are really cold towards him. Believe me, things will be best and drama free if you do not go to work thinking that you will make friends there. I made that mistake years ago, and after I learned my lesson with people, I am friendly but not too friendly to others that I work with.
Author tigressA Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 I don't have a number right now, and I don't plan on calling him, ever. Once I do get a new phone I'm certainly not going to give him my number. Even though I have no plans to correspond with him outside of work, there's still the fact that I'm going to see him pretty much every day I'm at work, which is why I posted this thread asking for advice on how to handle that. It's kind of a shame, really. He seems like a cool guy, one I could be friends with if I didn't have the feeling that he wants to get with me.
johan Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 I wanna come to your crib and ravage you on the bed you and your bf sleep on Would your bf have a problem with that? In the future, you'll want to say "ravish", not "ravage". You really don't want to "ravage" a woman, unless you're off your rocker.
SmileFace Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 If this guy was handing out his number asking for friendship to the "old vagina" at the front desk, or the "obese vagina" in the corner office- you might have a point. Yes, men only want to be friends with old and obese chicks. Face-palm
mo mo Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 In the future, you'll want to say "ravish", not "ravage". You really don't want to "ravage" a woman, unless you're off your rocker. Did I say ravage? I meant RADISH As in I want to plant radishes in her bf's bed. Silly me and my typos
dispatch3d Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Maybe they are" just friendly" with the vaginas that aren't attached to a hottie- but if you see what Tig looks like, I doubt a dude's going to go out of his way to "simply be friends with her". If this guy was handing out his number asking for friendship to the "old vagina" at the front desk, or the "obese vagina" in the corner office- you might have a point. laksjdf;lkasf;ljkaworeiasflkjasf is seriously my answer. This is easily the most annoying thing girls do. Honestly, if I was in his situation and you were behaving in this manner I probably wouldn't attempt to be your friend. Your loss. I like expanding my friend group, but if girls are going to be weird that is their issue. sigh I really just need to let go of this. Care a little bit less that women/girls misbehave sometimes. Anyhow / angry rant.
johan Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Did I say ravage? I meant RADISH As in I want to plant radishes in her bf's bed. Silly me and my typos I'm sure you meant beet, not radish. And most women aren't going to understand that you mean the vegetable. It's probably better just to keep quiet. And there are some guys on here who are taking offense to the idea that a woman wouldn't want to be friends with them. A hot woman no less. Get real! You wouldn't want friendship and you know it.
Stung Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 laksjdf;lkasf;ljkaworeiasflkjasf is seriously my answer. This is easily the most annoying thing girls do. Honestly, if I was in his situation and you were behaving in this manner I probably wouldn't attempt to be your friend. Your loss. I like expanding my friend group, but if girls are going to be weird that is their issue. sigh I really just need to let go of this. Care a little bit less that women/girls misbehave sometimes. Anyhow / angry rant. I don't think the global scenario is really that all girls are just ridiculously full of themselves and most men are just innocently trying to be their platonic pals, although I'm not denying that that does happen too in the world. It's extremely common for women to experience meeting men who try to get close to them using ulterior motives of one kind or another. Also, most of the women I know tried for years to be just friends with guys, only to hear complaints about friendzoning or be disappointed when said guy 'friends' make moves on them every time they were single or had had one too many drinks. In addition, society tends to lean hard on the adage "men and women can't be just friends," and in my personal experience it's generally been the male voices shouting this the loudest, drumming it in the hardest. It's really not hugely narcissistic for girls to try to nip potentially weird situations in the bud with the relatively gentle "I have a boyfriend" deflection technique, while establishing friendship boundaries with a new male. I don't know if the guy in OP's post is trying to get in her pants or not; it's certainly possible that he's gay, or a Ken doll, or thinks she's unattractive, or is loyal to his true love, or only wants to make sweet love to the tailpipe of a Maserati, or only respects OP for her glistening cerebellum, or any one of another dozen scenarios. It's not unreasonable, however, for her to assume that he might be interested in finding out more about her vagina, and be concerned about keeping their relationship professional since they work together. Also keep in mind that OP's relationship is relatively new and she is still establishing her relationship boundaries, and is showing a desire here to respect her boyfriend. That's hardly a bad thing. Tigress, I don't think you have to be rude to this guy, just don't call him. Be friendly but scale back some on the personal banter, people sometimes read social cues a little differently and this guy seems to be reading it as flirting. He should figure it out. If he presses the point, then tell him you're more comfortable keeping your work and your personal lives separate.
thebody Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Honestly, if he handed you his number after you already said you had a boyfriend then he has some social inadequacies as it is. This is just not how people should interact with each other especially at the workplace. I would never DREAM of handing a girl my number and asking coyly,"would your boyfriend have a problem with that?". This guy will be outside your window memorizing the placement of your living room furniture in no time. Did you check this guy out on Megan's law? Just sayin... Hey sure I've always wanted to come on to the hot marketing girl, but she has a boyfriend so I never will. I won't ask her for coffee, I won't ask her to come and hang out at a bar. I'll make jokes with her about how the printer keeps breaking down or how the boss plays solitaire all day, but I won't make stupid passes at her.
TaraMaiden Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 I would just play it cool, and mention nothing. if he says, "why haven't you called me yet?" reply, "Oh, my BF and I want to check our diaries and find a convenient time for us to all get together for a drink... we're both eager to meet buddies socially, so it would be great to have a get-together, and get to know one another better. You have a GF you can bring, yeah?" His intentions will become obvious when you tell him that.....
PerpetualMotion Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Honestly, if he handed you his number after you already said you had a boyfriend then he has some social inadequacies as it is. This is just not how people should interact with each other especially at the workplace. I would never DREAM of handing a girl my number and asking coyly,"would your boyfriend have a problem with that?". This guy will be outside your window memorizing the placement of your living room furniture in no time. Did you check this guy out on Megan's law? Just sayin... Hey sure I've always wanted to come on to the hot marketing girl, but she has a boyfriend so I never will. I won't ask her for coffee, I won't ask her to come and hang out at a bar. I'll make jokes with her about how the printer keeps breaking down or how the boss plays solitaire all day, but I won't make stupid passes at her. I've asked co-workers that had boyfriends/husbands to go lunch together and my intention was not to make a pass at them. I asked them in the same way I asked male co-workers. Having said that, I too find him asking her number and then giving his number a little weird, although this may be a cultural difference. I don't usually ask the girls that I'm only interested for friendship for their phone numbers. I always wait for them to feel comfortable to give it to me. The only times I asked, there was a reason behind it, like we've made plans already to meet outside work and it's always a good idea to have a way to contact them in case we need to change the plans. I would just play it cool, and mention nothing. if he says, "why haven't you called me yet?" reply, "Oh, my BF and I want to check our diaries and find a convenient time for us to all get together for a drink... we're both eager to meet buddies socially, so it would be great to have a get-together, and get to know one another better. You have a GF you can bring, yeah?" His intentions will become obvious when you tell him that..... If the guy is patient, that won't stop him, even if his interested in more than a friendship. He'll probably go along with it.
mo mo Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 I'm sure you meant beet, not radish. And most women aren't going to understand that you mean the vegetable. It's probably better just to keep quiet. And there are some guys on here who are taking offense to the idea that a woman wouldn't want to be friends with them. A hot woman no less. Get real! You wouldn't want friendship and you know it. Yea I know. A few years ago I would try to "befriend" a few girls I worked with that had BFs. I wasn't really looking for friendship.. I actually succeeded at getting a girl to break up with her man.
in_absentia Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 To me that sounds code for 'I'm interested in exploring a sexual relationship with you, are you the sorta girl who is up for cheating?'
Banker Chick Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 As a single woman that's been in the professional world for quite some time, I get this. I'm also very naive when it comes to guy/girl friendships. Sadly, time and time again I think I have a great platonic friendship with a guy and then I've been proven wrong when they say or do something admitting they want a relationship. This wasn't a huge problem when I was single but when I got a boyfriend and he started being uncomfortable with me hanging out with these friends, it was an issue. I work in an office and while I joke around with everyone, including the males, I would NEVER call them outside the office or hang out with them unless it was couples and even then I'd be cautious. Considering how much you're around people you work with and the tendency for people to have "work spouses" I think it's better to not blur the lines in any way.
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