Heartbroken and humiliated AGAIN :-( So why do i feel like its not over :-(

[captured_butterfly]

Hey guys, im new to this and my storys quite long so anyone who reads it thank you sooo mcuh for listening :-)

 

Me and my ex started dating when we was 17yrs old (we're now both 24yrs), he was my first everything and i was sooo incredibly happy :-) He was sooo kind and caring and looked after me which is what i needed. I have had a difficult childhood, my mum has mental health problems which have just recently got bad again, i get picked on a lot by her, this has left me with quite bad anxiety problems :-( My ex dealt with me brilliantly and as i said was always there for me.

 

Problems started after 7 months, we had quite a bad sex life (on my part not his) and he put up with this for a long, long time. He ended up leaving me after 2.5yrs together, i was devastated but we managed to work things out and things improved. I started seeing a counsellor for my anxiety problems and he came with me for this, i have mild agrophobia and used to get very stressed if i knew i couldnt get home and had to stay anywhere over night, never thought we'd go on holiday but after counselling we booked a holiday and although i managed it and was proud, i did my ex's head in, i was constantly anxious and couldnt sleep at night and was worrying ALOT, a few weeks after this he breaks up with me again, another 2.5yrs after the first break up.

 

Once again we managed to get back together but i always felt his heart was never in it and that i'd ruined it with the sex life :-( and he ended up cheating on me :-( I should mention that at this point he had got himself into a bit of a mess and was obsessed with the gym, eating healthy and got into steriods, it changed who he was, he wasnt the person i feel in love with :-( After the cheating came out i was devastated but he promised me he wanted to change and that he was messed up.

 

After 4 months we started seeing each other but i didnt dare tell my family or friends becuase i knew what they'd say, my ex was lovely to me and really was trying hard but got frustrated that i wouldnt tell my family about us, i kept saying i would but never did and he got sick of it then left again :-(

He started seeing someone else and this absolutely killed me, he got back into the steroids and was a mess, he dint know what or who he wanted and in turn messed me up to as he was seeing both of us at the same time (I didnt know this!) I walked away!

 

He since got help, saw a therapist and was much better, we started talking again and seeing each other but soon ran into problems when past issues came up that we hadnt dealt with, we get into a bad pattern of breaking up then making up and i HATE IT.

 

I was sooo determinded that this would be the end of it but after 3 months of trying to win me round i took a chance on him and he didnt let me down, he took me to London all paid for and was the nice guy again that i fell in love with, things went brilliantly for six months and then he got his own place that he wanted me to move into but because of my anxiety i struggled and i think he saw this as rejection :-( Old issues came up again, i didnt want him drinking or going out (yes i now see i couldnt do this and it was wrong) A couple of weeks ago i went out for tea with a friend and saw him with another girl having tea, i panicked and nearly had a panic attack, he came over and said hello and that she was girl from work (hes a nurse) and that she had invited us to her wedding, well when i got back to his house later that night i went mad at him about not telling me and he said that i couldnt know where he was all the time, we had a huge bust up and he ended things AGAIN!!!

 

Sick of doing this :-( Ive stuck with no contact although as usual he's been txting me sayin his sorry and that he doesnt know why he breaks up with me soo flippently, i dont know either! Its a horrible routine we have that instead of sitting down and talking things through and making compromises we have an arguement and i leave :-(

 

I know this is VERY unhealthy relationship but i still realllly love this guy, hes my first love and hes there for me 100% when i need him just cant figure this out. My plan of action is to maintain no contact and figure we both need to change on our own and that we cant be together for that to happen :-( Its like we have pushed boundaries sooo far that we cant seem to draw a line anywhere :-(

 

Im sooooo sorry for how long this is, i hate how complicated this is, i appreciate any words at all really :-( Just really sad that im 24yrs old still at home, scared of getting my own place, and no boyfriend and no real friends :-(