Jealous...over a first kiss! Why am I acting like this?

[Oplimme]

Ok I'll keep this short.

 

Basically me and this guy have been boyfriends for about 2 years now. Every things gone perfectly so far, no problems or anything and I really cant complain about him.

 

We're each others "firsts" in every way, except one thing.

 

He had his first kiss with someone else, and after that he had a small series of unsuccessful flirtings with others that didn't go anywhere. None of them became his boyfriend.

 

 

I don't know why, I wasn't bothered when I first heard him tell me about these things. I actually kinda thought they were cute at first, but then I thought more and more about them.

 

The really weird part is, if I had done things myself before meeting him, I'd feel OK about him having seen other people be causes then I'd feel "equal".

 

None of this is rational to me, its such a petty thing to obsess over and I don't understand why I am. I didn't care this much before but it seems the seed has taken root.

 

How do I get over this jealousy and just make the past the past? I know everyone says "everyones had a past" but with me I had none before meeting him, while he has had some.

[Professor X]

Sounds like retroactive jealousy; You should google it up.

[Oplimme]

Okay, I guess a bit of an update/more questions.

 

It appears that yes, I did/still do have "retroactive jealousy".

 

I know what I have with him is special and I'm his first everything (for "serious things, like sex, relationship, long term material etc) and he is mine. We're very content with one another.

 

I do admit that I can actually feel the power of the jealousy beginning to wane away, mainly because...I'm getting tired of obsessing over it lol. It is draining to think about things that you can't change. And I'm tired of pressing questions onto him, especially since he never brings them up. It's my problem.

 

What ultimately bothers me is that they had cared for other people (not loved, but just initial "rush" feelings).

 

I guess I want to know, does it ever really fully go away? Or is it normal to have to some degree?

Edited May 24, 2011 by Oplimme

[Oplimme]

I notice that my thread has quite a lot of views, but not many responses...

 

 

 

I'm assuming this is because I must sound completely ridiculous in comparison with some of the other threads here (dealing with cheating, etc etc).

 

 

Is this...correct?

[shadowofman]

I just wrote a long thread called the Slavery of Our Conceit attempting to analyze the "roots" of these emotions. May help. May piss you off. May be nothing to you.

My advice is to accept the way you feel as a normal, but primitive emotion. Recognize that such feelings are apish, and attempt to consciously transcend them by letting go of your feelings of possession. You cannot own him, and you certainly cannot own his past.

Hope this helps in some small way.

[Kezu]

I was exactly like you before, you will settle for it over time. (But maybe not with your current boyfriend)

Edited May 26, 2011 by Kezu

[Oplimme]

Jealousy like yours has a few root causes... you may feel 'not worthy' for him, like you 'don't please him', like 'He may leave you for someone else', or the fact that your first kiss with him was different than his first kiss with you...

 

Whatever the case, it's some insecurity that you have about yourself that is making you feel jealous.

 

Truth is, it isn't a big deal. Yeah you are overreacting. You're probably worried because you just don't know what it's like to kiss someone and then kiss someone else.

 

His past is irrelevant to you. There is no reason for you to worry. He enjoyed the first kiss with you as much as you did. He enjoyed the 'other firsts' as much as you did. It doesn't mean he's going to leave you or feel any less about his experiences with you.

 

 

 

I think this post hit on everything except for the part about wanting to kiss other people. I don't have any need for anyone else.

 

I think my biggest problem stems from the idea of him having touched and felt feelings, even though they didn't even make it past one month.

[OldOnTheInside]

Have you spoken to bf about this?

Have you considered counselling?

 

To be honest, I felt like you when I was a teen. I dunno how old you are but I'm guessing you are still relatively young.

 

These feelings tend to fade away as you get older.

 

Nothing you can do but enjoy the positive aspects of your ralationship and work on the negatives.

[Oplimme]

Have you spoken to bf about this?

Have you considered counselling?

 

To be honest, I felt like you when I was a teen. I dunno how old you are but I'm guessing you are still relatively young.

 

These feelings tend to fade away as you get older.

 

Nothing you can do but enjoy the positive aspects of your ralationship and work on the negatives.

 

I'm 23 and we're gay btw.

 

Finding someone you get on with like him is just a godsend for me. Absolute godsend.

 

He reassures me all the time that while he had feelings in the past while he was with them, he doesn't feel anything now. I'm his first boyfriend but...argh.