Need again...beginning of LC stage

[frenchmanfl]

Hi everyone,

 

In a nutshell, my wife of 26 years ( not all married but enough ) is in an EA, likely a PA. I have already admitted to all of the things I have been guilty of in the past and expressed how deeply I love her and want this family back. If you had read two of my previous posts I was distraught and at the end of my rope, but I am slowly developing a stone heart for her, as a coping mechanism, which includes and involves LC ( we have a beautiful 10 year old boy who we both love dearly ).

 

We moved to a new city, with what I thought, the intention of giving the marriage one more shot, however, I had to stay back in old city to tie up loose ends ( big mistake...I would give anything to be able to plan that differently although little choice in the matter ).

 

I finally get down here and everything is weird and from the getgo I stay in her Fathers apt. We finally get a house to rent ( were supposed to buy but something on her end caused it to crash ) Immaterial.

 

This woman used to worship the ground I walked on, I blew it in so many ways, so while I am losing the desperation of guilt, my brain continues to admit that all of this was deserved ( again no longer beating myself up about it, because I have been clear at exhaustive length about what my faults have been and that I never expected to just slide back in and everything would be great. But I thought this move was to work on it, new life, new start etc.

 

It obvious that my wife got a new start allright and last week we decided to separate. She wanted to partially stay here at the house and partially at her EA's. There is so much to it then this but my actual questions(s) is pretty universal given I have read so many are going through it.

 

I am basically on my 5th day of LC. The first few were scary as hell but I am adjusting to it but I miss my friend ( W ) and I am at the point where I want to ask her where she believes we stand at this point. Is there any point in dragging this out or should me just move to a divorce. My goal here is to introduce this question by e-mail in a gentle and kind tone.

 

The fact is that this LC seems to have shut her down completely. She is not communicating at all either. I went through a rush of anger yesterday and today, while when I think about her with other guy who is so far below me as a man, I still get that body jolt of panic and fear. Obviously I am not, nor should I expect to be healed.

 

Last week when we had a blow out and she said it's time to move on, I told her I want to always be friends ( not that i could cope with that right now ) and she responded " friends for life...and maybe more, but i don't want to talk about that right now ).

 

The LC scares the hell out of me because it's likely that it's just going to push in the EA's bed, if it already hasn't happened. I can't stress this enough that this guy is far from her type it's scary, but he was there to comfort her when some dramatic events occured in this new town.

 

This is NOT the guy she would leave me for, but he is also there and I know there has been lots of passion and all of the signs that tell me she is infatuated. My wife has told me all kinds of things about what I didn't provide and how I was this and that, but then I look at this guy ( whom I met recently in my house on the pretext of her friend coming over ). He lives with roomates, drives a cheapo car, is broke, doesn't do laundry for weeks on end, has two kids in another state who he never sees and when they were just friends my wife claimed that he and his buddies talked about how they love to go to ghetto strip clubs...you get the picture. She is 42 years old..all the signs of MLC but wouldn't she leave for a better man than me rather than such a major downgrade.

 

I want to ask her nicely, are you really in love with him, are you leaving me for him, is this marriage really dead ? It would be the first time it would come out not as though I was pleading or angry.

 

I have even said repeatedly that so many couples who fight through this stage end up happier than they have ever been.

 

She has so much to work out herself that I know were no where near this.

 

Can I ask her where things stand at this point or do I just sit on it ? Is she even thinking about me if she is so distracted with this sleaze who is just singing the right tune to bed her ( he is 10 years her junior but I remind everyone not good looking at, which I am ( not ego ). In fact while it scares the hell out of me, I believe that I wouldn't have too much trouble finding a new woman. But I love my wife and my family, I am not even remotely interested in going out and playing the field. I don't want to have to go through the new relationship thing and find a woman who might, say, want another child or whom I end up disliking because there are so many complications.

 

My wife has even said, why go for another man because your just going to end up with new problems. Mind you she doesn't take into account the many issues she has. In fact, people throughout my marriage, her family in particular have said, I don't know how you put up with her, but I always have.

 

Is she even going to think about me in miss you kind of way when she is with this other guy. Could the cards be stacked in my favor given this is simply not the guy that I could ever see her with or be proud of calling a mate.

 

My calm right now is pretty soothing. When I was in high school if a girlfriend did this to me, I would go through the torture of a week and then kick back, which I believe I am doing right now. It's a serene kick back. Typically back then i would be back on my horse and bump into ex out in bar and she would come running back. But this is my wife, not some girlfriend and we have a child together.

 

I guess I need to move on but anyone who can provide me some moral support on if this silence between us is going to make her think about us and is it too early to come at her gently and say " is this it ? are we done ? " Going at her with anger would never work, I have done it a few times and it's at these time that she threw the " l love you but am not in... we are just not one..." all of the things that cut right to the bone when you want nothing more to make up for your own mistakes and be loving, romantic etc.

 

I read in these blogs people doing the LC for 6 months, a year...I simply don't know how to accomplish that.

 

I guess I already have the answers but now that I have painted a more vivid picture of the exact story and the players involved I would love some opinions on whether it sounds hopeless or I would also love to hear of some success stories. I am not so naive to believe that it's not possible it's over and I am not looking for a massage that provides false hope.

 

There you have it, needed to talk it out. Thank you for all of your help.

 

 

 

 

 

Her biggest complaint about me was stability

[frenchmanfl]

A reminder to some and new info to others, we might be closing on a house next week !!!!!!!!! I know that she is so so excited about it, last week she sends me an e-mail telling everything " we " are going to with the house. I guess it's fortuitous now that I have a clear head, that this is exactly when she might miss me most, because I was the person she would go to to tell what she was going to do here and there. Her OM will not be interested. The loan could fall through though which would complicate things for both sides. Although if by the time the move in came she and I weren't working on things the plan for me is to get an apartment.

 

Oh yeah last VERY IMPORTANT question regarding the new house. We are currently in a rented on. If the new house materializes, she IS going to ask me to help pack etc.

 

My gut instinct is to say no...if I am not yours anymore then I shouldn't have to help you with anything. Please ask your boyfriend for help. Strategy has two sides, one that she actually remembers how much I did ( when we moved, I did everything, she was on a business trip for 2 weeks and I completely set this house up...all she had to do was walk through the door ). The other part of that strategy is that I want OM to see what he is getting himself into. I almost want her to experience a new man so that both she can see that it's not all that great on the other side and that the man, who has been a frat boy in a frat house will now have to deal with real responsibilities.

 

However, I am scared thinking about playing that " sorry, you do it " because I have a child who is my world and I don't want to give her any reason to try and rob him of me. I don't want to set her off, I just want to draw the line as to what comes with the other package she has chosen.

 

Thoughts ? thank you