Butterfly16 Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Ok....had some posts before. My guy and I are both 51...we met 6 months ago and have been seeing each other on and off since. I am widowed, and he is finalizing his divorce (signing off after 2 yrs of negotiations) from a nearly 30 yr marriage. My question is that although we have dated others (both have been/are on dating sites)...but nothing serious, mind you. Only first dates for some reason or another or just message buddies. I haven't slept with anyone but him and he isn't seeing anyone regularly either. So...does that mean we are dating? It hasn't been just a couple of dates here and there. We've been out to the movies half dozen times or so...dinner several times...stayed home and watched movies at his place another half dozen times also. Since we've met, I have always spent the night...it just happened that way (long story on that first date lol). Anyway, couple of Sundays ago we went to an early matinee and dinner and as we were saying good-bye....he shyly invited me in. Yes, I drove to his place. I live in a very small country town...he lives 30 mins away where everything is located. He can't drive his company truck on a date, so we use mine. (And this time...he filled the tank up!!! Yes, and its like 22 gallons capacity!) I hadn't expected to stay since it was so early in the day. First of all, he isn't very flirtatious. He is rather shy...even when we do speak on the phone...you can hear his shyness. We usually text or IM as a form of communication. Also, always seems kind of nervous around me and a little unsure of how to act almost like he had never been on a date before. So, it wasn't until that Sunday that he actually made out with me for the first time!. Yes, we have only kissed...pecked or kissed on the cheek so far. He also seemed more affectionate, loving, attentive and even a little clingy that evening. Although he always holds my hand when we are walking. And whether we are at the movies or at home cuddling...he is constantly holding my hand, caressing it, squeezing it...but that night...he couldn't stop keeping me close to him....footsies...wrapping legs around each other as we're watching tv in his bedroom....etc.. A week later...we saw each other again and things progressed even more. We are now at the point where we can pee with the bathroom door open and for the first time we shared a shower together. Hey...to me...these are big things.... I know he wants to be "sure" before he makes any type of commitment. And I don't blame him...he was in a very long marriage most of his life. He also has big plans before his next serious relationship that once the divorce is finally final he can buy a house (since he is giving her theirs in the settlement) and a new vehicle (yes, she has that too). One reason why we did stop seeing each other for a short time was the fact that I had started falling for him during the first 2 months. He didn't want to hurt me so we broke up. But I wished him a happy new year a few weeks later and once again we are back seeing each other. Ok...Am I that naive because I do feel that he obviously cares about me. We've shared more personal info about our day to day lives and he has even volunteered divorce details recently. But, we haven't had the "talk" yet. So, what is it we're doing?? Are we "seeing each other" or "dating"??? I don't feel we are just "Friends w/Benefits". Doesn't quite fit that mold.
Cee Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 I would hazard to guess that you are in an exclusive, but casual dating situation. My hunch is that he's not dating multiple women, but is not looking for anything serious right now. I don't think it has to do with lack of interest, but having ended a 30 year relationship. He is focused on himself right now. Whether down the road, he might commit to you, I don't know. It's important to keep talking to him and figure out whether what you want and what he wants meshes.
carhill Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 LOL, if you can pee with the door open and take showers together you might as well be married Seriously, if you're doing all that kind of stuff and having sex, you can talk clearly about the state of your relationship. If you're sleeping overnight at his house and not having sex, there is something abnormal going on here, presuming you both clearly view this as a romantic relationship/experience. I dated a bit while I was separated pending divorce and had a court docket case summary locator which could be easily and independently accessed online. How are things with your guy? Have you seen independent proof of his divorce process? I'm your age and, TBH, don't see myself dating someone seriously for a good long time. Our D was final last October. How many other men have you dated/had relationships with since losing your husband?
Author Butterfly16 Posted April 30, 2011 Author Posted April 30, 2011 Hi carhill! Well, obviously I hung in there since my posts from a few months ago. I haven't seen the papers...and since it is a little different here than in Calif. I haven't been able to see the docket online. But, he does keep me posted...not with big details...just if she's making things difficult...like a week ago. He had expected this to be done with 3 months ago, so he's getting frustrated. As far as other men...I have been on 5 first dates. One guy I saw 3 times, but then nothing serious. I'm doing everything in my power to hold back how I feel towards him. I may have pushed him away 4 months ago because I got a little mushy and didn't play it cool. I understand he wants/needs to take his time and I am really trying to learn to change my MO so I don't screw things up. Oh, what MO would that be? Well, usually I dive right in and not give the relationship time to grow and get to know each other well enough....but since my last marriage....I've decided to try things differently. So, that's why I am constantly seeking advice on this dating thing so that I finally can achieve a healthy relationship.......eventually. So, I'm glad you're still on and being a voice of reason for me. But I do plan on attempting to talk to him about whether he is seeing someone else in addition to myself. Thanks
Survivor12 Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 I'm a little confused...you've been seeing him for 6 months & have spent the night at his house since you met, but you didn't kiss until 2 weeks ago...how long ago did you start having sex? As far as basing the nature of your relationship on things such as peeing with the door open or showering together, I don't think that proves anything since different people have different ideas of modesty. Speaking personally, I don't see how taking a shower with someone is any more intimate than having sex, but I most certainly would not be comfortable leaving the bathroom door open when using the toilet until a relationship had progressed far beyond the "dating" stage. But that's just me, and not everyone is the same. As a matter of fact, I have a strictly platonic male friend who doesn't shut the door no matter who's in the house. I can also tell you that having come out of a 28 yr marriage 10 yrs ago, that it is very easy to unwittingly carry certain habits and behaviors into new relationships. While it may indicate a level of "comfort" with you that he does these things, it doesn't necessarily mean that your relationship has progressed. Likewise about letting you in on details about the divorce. Whether or not he feels "that way" about you, he may still find you to be a good enough "friend" to talk to about it. The thing is, if these things do mean what you believe they do, then why aren't you comfortable enough to ask him where you stand? I would suggest that you either have a talk with him about where things are going or simply enjoy the companionship without expectations or without reading anything more into it than it is. Remember, he is in the process of a divorce and it's going to take time for him to totally resolve his emotions about the end of his marriage and the divorce itself.
Author Butterfly16 Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 I'm a little confused...you've been seeing him for 6 months & have spent the night at his house since you met, but you didn't kiss until 2 weeks ago...how long ago did you start having sex? Well, we have kissed...but no long make out session until recently. Once when we were slow dancing we began to make out, but he still seemed a little hesitant. It was nice, but he wasn't all over me....and yes, he made the move. We've been having sex for several months now. As far as basing the nature of your relationship on things such as peeing with the door open or showering together, I don't think that proves anything since different people have different ideas of modesty. Speaking personally, I don't see how taking a shower with someone is any more intimate than having sex, but I most certainly would not be comfortable leaving the bathroom door open when using the toilet until a relationship had progressed far beyond the "dating" stage. Well, that's just it. Up until recently we both had always kept the door closed while peeing and even using the shower. So, once I left the door open for a quick pee while we were watching a movie....he did the same when it was his turn. And when he didn't close the door when it was time to shower...well, he did invite me when I teased him about the temp. of the water. But I too do not normally leave the bathroom door open for just ANYONE! I barely started to with just my daughter in the house and she's nearly 20!! lol The thing is, if these things do mean what you believe they do, then why aren't you comfortable enough to ask him where you stand? I would suggest that you either have a talk with him about where things are going or simply enjoy the companionship without expectations or without reading anything more into it than it is. Remember, he is in the process of a divorce and it's going to take time for him to totally resolve his emotions about the end of his marriage and the divorce itself. You're right, and I am planning to speak with him the next time I do see him. I've done some thinking about it this weekend, and I should be able to ask him without any fear. We've been in some type of contact nearly daily this past week (which in itself is very unusual). But I do understand now that he may be taking his time for the fact you mention about resolving his emotions about the end of the marriage. He probably hadn't been emotionally ready for anything more than a first date. Thank you Survivor!
Author Butterfly16 Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 (edited) I would hazard to guess that you are in an exclusive, but casual dating situation. My hunch is that he's not dating multiple women, but is not looking for anything serious right now. I don't think it has to do with lack of interest, but having ended a 30 year relationship. He is focused on himself right now. Whether down the road, he might commit to you, I don't know. It's important to keep talking to him and figure out whether what you want and what he wants meshes. Thank you Cee....after thinking it over this weekend...I believe I will speak with him. What's kind of funny, is that I'm just as shy as he is and I get so nervous when I see a message from him...but when I'm with him....nothing else in the world matters and all my worries and fears disappear! So, I should be able to do this!! Thanks! Edited May 1, 2011 by Butterfly16
OliveOyl Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Well, we have kissed...but no long make out session until recently. Once when we were slow dancing we began to make out, but he still seemed a little hesitant. It was nice, but he wasn't all over me....and yes, he made the move. We've been having sex for several months now. That seems a little backwards to me, but it may just mean he has been fulfilling his sexual needs without wanting to get emotionally involved. I'm around the same age you are but I start getting emotionally attached when things start getting physical or sexual. I don't make a distinction between "seeing each other" and "dating". I do make a distinction between "dating" and "BF/GF". But it's really just semantics. I agree with the other posters this is just something you need to talk about with him.
Recommended Posts