How can I show him that I'm sorry?

[John Michael Kane]

Soul, I think that when he initially started becoming physical, I was too surprised to react.

 

That didn't mean you couldn't stop it. You gave in because you wanted to. You said yourself many times you were attracted to him. If you didn't want him touching your body, you would've stopped him and told someone.

 

I think that I was worried that he would get me fired. Then we would be worse off financially. He has a lot of influence over my boss. I was afraid that he would contact my husband, and tell him we were emailing each other more then we should. I was attracted to him physically, but I knew it wasn't a good idea, I didn't want to hurt my husband.

 

That's crap and that is no excuse for you to stay in an affair for a year. That is no excuse. You let it happen because you wanted to. No one forced you to do this initially and lie and put your husband's health at risk. Your boss is there to make sure you're doing your job in a safe environment. If he would've fired you after you told him your coworker was coming onto you then you take the appropriate steps to deal with the situation. You're a grown adult and you know right from wrong. Sorry but you brought this on yourself. If you didn't want to hurt your husband all of this wouldn't be happening right now.

 

I don't know what he would of done if I had tried to move. So I didn't resist.

 

Yea okay.

 

Is it my fault that I didn't do anything?

 

Yes it is. Because you wanted it to happen

[TMCM]

question # 2:

 

How many more times did you have sex with the OM?

 

Believe me, your husband is going to ask you that question.

[SoulStorm]

Soul, I think that when he initially started becoming physical, I was too surprised to react.

 

I think that I was worried that he would get me fired. Then we would be worse off financially. He has a lot of influence over my boss. I was afraid that he would contact my husband, and tell him we were emailing each other more then we should. I was attracted to him physically, but I knew it wasn't a good idea, I didn't want to hurt my husband.

 

I don't know what he would of done if I had tried to move. So I didn't resist.

 

Is it my fault that I didn't do anything?

 

You know as well as I do that you are not being honest here. If you were attracted to him physically..all you needed was the right conditions to bring the physical attraction to fruition.

 

Don't make up things. You knew what was going to happen and you could have said no or stop at anytime.

 

You didn't so yes you are just as responsible as your affair partner.

 

Be honest.. playing the victim won't help you save your marriage.

Your husband will see through that like he had x ray vision.

 

Be honest. You knew what was going to happen and you wanted it to..otherwise you would have stopped it and told your husband the truth.

 

What was worse losing more..your job or your marriage. had you done the right thing..the job would have been the only thing you lost..but now you stand to lose your husband too..especially if you are not honest about everything.

[Audacia]

I'm not trying to be mean but I'm gonna give you some tough loving here: Put your big girl panties on and deal with what you did. Do not say "I don't know," "I can't remember," "I was stupid," or shift blame to anyone but yourself. You want this to work then you own up. And you do it in serious booty kissing fashion. A's are choices. That's the painful part for the BS. You are a full grown adult and made a choice to put your spouse through some serious emotional and physical pain. So make the choice to be honest to your H and yourself.

 

Another thing is we know you strayed for reasons. They don't justify why you had an A but they are something you will eventually need to discuss, and as he is a MC he is aware of this. But since you DECIDED to have an A instead of telling him what you felt your marriage lacked before you strayed, you don't get to voice those reasons for awhile. But the point is there's a reason and you need to figure that out so you know why you had the A. No more of this I don't know stuff. You're gonna need that backbone if you truly want to make it work with him. Grow it now.

[Full of Regret]

We had it the one time TMCM. Soul, I did tell my husband, that is how he got complete confirmation.

 

Am I still attracted to the OM? He is handsome, that is all. I don't like anything else about him, I know that now.

 

You're right, I don't have a backbone audacia. When we went into the office and had sex, I didn't tell anyone because the OM told me not to tell anyone. I didn't say no because the OM told me not to say no. I didn't struggle or resist because the OM told me not to struggle or resist. I didn't try to leave because the OM told me not to leave. I listened to every word he said because I have no backbone.

 

I didn't take his sexual email messages seriously over the past year, and didn't tell him to stop messaging me because I have no backbone. I'm blaming the OM and making excuses because I have no backbone. I felt like killing myself after we had sex because I have no backbone. I didn't say anything to my husband because I have no backbone. I didn't confront OM afterwards because I have no backbone. I'm wallowing in my own self-pity because I have no backbone.

 

If I had a backbone, I would have stood up for myself and stopped him when I had the chance. I wouldn't be afraid of being touched by people after last month. I'd be able to go to sleep properly after last month. I'd be able to focus on my job after it happened of last month. I wouldn't have starved myself all of last month. I wouldn't have done something that I had didn't want to do but did anyway because I'm an idiot.

 

And now I know why I had an affair. Because I tried to be friendly to the OM and got what I deserved. Because I have no backbone. Thank you.

Edited May 3, 2011 by Full of Regret

[jnj express]

Let me ask you this---speaking of backbone

 

If your H. divorces you---are you gonna have backbone enuff to face the big bad world, as a single, divorced woman, with a child, who cheated on her H.

 

Are you gonna have enuff backbone---to start to do everything for yourself, including possibly working 2 jobs

 

Are you gonna have enuff backbone to deal with life by yourself, that was previously dealt with as a H and W

 

That's what your claim of no backbone has done for you

 

You better get some backbone now, and you better get it real quick

 

cuz the big bad world is out there waiting for your entry

[SoulStorm]

We had it the one time TMCM. Soul, I did tell my husband, that is how he got complete confirmation.

 

Am I still attracted to the OM? He is handsome, that is all. I don't like anything else about him, I know that now.

 

You're right, I don't have a backbone audacia. When we went into the office and had sex, I didn't tell anyone because the OM told me not to tell anyone. I didn't say no because the OM told me not to say no. I didn't struggle or resist because the OM told me not to struggle or resist. I didn't try to leave because the OM told me not to leave. I listened to every word he said because I have no backbone.

 

I didn't take his sexual email messages seriously over the past year, and didn't tell him to stop messaging me because I have no backbone. I'm blaming the OM and making excuses because I have no backbone. I felt like killing myself after we had sex because I have no backbone. I didn't say anything to my husband because I have no backbone. I didn't confront OM afterwards because I have no backbone. I'm wallowing in my own self-pity because I have no backbone.

 

If I had a backbone, I would have stood up for myself and stopped him when I had the chance. I wouldn't be afraid of being touched by people after last month. I'd be able to go to sleep properly after last month. I'd be able to focus on my job after it happened of last month. I wouldn't have starved myself all of last month. I wouldn't have done something that I had didn't want to do but did anyway because I'm an idiot.

 

And now I know why I had an affair. Because I tried to be friendly to the OM and got what I deserved. Because I have no backbone. Thank you.

 

When I spoke of being honest, I was mainly implying with yourself.

[jnj express]

We all know you are not a bad person---you just made some really bad choices, and as YOU say you have no guts

 

You have a child, so no matter what happenswith your H---your child needs her mother

 

So pull yourself together, start doing all the proper things to take care of yourself

 

Your world has not come to an end---you are just going to enter a new chapter in your life

 

Make the best of what you have done---start doing the things you need to do to move forward

[UnsureinSeattle]

OP- I don't understand.

 

Did you engage in consensual sex with another man?

 

Or were you raped?

 

It's two COMPLETELY different things. If you were raped, you need the support of your husband as you press charges and the like. It's something awful and traumatic that you will both have to work thru, hopefully together.

 

Which is it?

[Audacia]

OP- I don't understand.

 

Did you engage in consensual sex with another man?

 

Or were you raped?

 

It's two COMPLETELY different things. If you were raped, you need the support of your husband as you press charges and the like. It's something awful and traumatic that you will both have to work thru, hopefully together.

 

Which is it?

 

But if it wasn't rape do not cry wolf to save your marriage. That guilt will eat you alive as well. Cause then you'll shifting the pain.

 

If it was, then you need some support and help.

[UnsureinSeattle]

This, x1000. If it WAS rape, that's awful and you need to get help.

 

If it wasn't, please don't couch it like it was.

[whichwayisup]

You're right, I don't have a backbone audacia. When we went into the office and had sex, I didn't tell anyone because the OM told me not to tell anyone. I didn't say no because the OM told me not to say no. I didn't struggle or resist because the OM told me not to struggle or resist. I didn't try to leave because the OM told me not to leave. I listened to every word he said because I have no backbone.

 

This seems more like he's manipulated you for a long time, and he raped you at the first opportunity he got, but in a friendly yet convincing way.

 

This is something you MUST write down in detail as well as everything else, save emails from him...And most of all, tell your husband. not in a way to convince him to forgive you but by telling the truth of how this happened.

Even if you wanted "it" to happen, you always can change your mind and say no...This guy had power over you so you'd be too afraid to say no.

Edited May 4, 2011 by whichwayisup

[betterdeal]

You had sex several times outside of a monogamous relationship, and your partner has a particular trigger related to infidelity. These are the pertinent facts.

 

The third party in the triangle has been cut out of it and now you have a two-person relationship to focus on, albeit one where you are separated and could end up ending it altogether.

 

By all means pursue this blamestorming exercise and if you feel you were violated then complain to the attacker and the authorities, but do it for yourself, with support from family but be wary of using it as a bonding exercise between you and your husband. Tempting as that sounds, it is a continuation of the triangle, using the same third party to fill a gap in your relationship, just in a different way. Treat any sense of violation or manipulation you have from this other guy as a separate issue. Getting that third party out of the situation is going to give you and your husband the chance to fill that gap yourselves. Personally, I think the other guy is a bit of a dick and you're well shot of him.

 

As I said at the outset, you will both need to do work to fill that gap and you are both free to decide that you don't wish to or are not ready to do such work. Take ownership of your part in the recovery process, and the harm you have done (which you appear to have based on what you've said and done so far) but do expect some work to be done by your hubby, for some changes to be on his side of the coin.

 

If your hubby wants to know more about your affair, you can give him that information in a frank and honest way. However, he may not, and that's his call. Be mindful of his needs and desires, and of yours too.

[OldOnTheInside]

You had sex several times outside of a monogamous relationship, and your partner has a particular trigger related to infidelity.

She said she had sex the one time.

 

I can't say this with complete certainty but listen to me FoR...

 

Think carefully. Did he rape you?

 

As somebody that has worked with sexual abuse victims in my previous job, this is sounding less and less like an affair and more and more like rape.

 

-You have stated that you only listened to friendly emails with the OM and that you ignored the sexual ones. That you didn't take them seriously. This is NOT exactly an EA.

 

-The sex you had with this man does not sound completely consensual. It sounds like you let him have sex with you but did not neccessarily want him to have sex with you. There is a very large difference between the two. None of your posts suggest that you enjoyed his attention either.

 

-You state that your marital problems have been minimal or dealt with. So why have an affair? You sound content with your husband and child.

 

-You said that you didn't move during sex. Did he hurt you physically? Was there any bleeding? Would he have gotten aggressive? Did he threaten you in any way?

 

-You state that you are physically attracted to the OM but that his personality repulses you. I don't know whether or not you would sleep with somebody just because they are good looking, especially when you are married. Would you?

 

-There is also a lack of an affair fog. You have "gotten over" OM very quickly. This is unusual during longterm affairs.

 

You reaction to the sex does not sound like a person who is having an affair. It does sound like many of the traits of a rape victim. Fear of being touched(!), suicidal, insomnia, weight loss, shame, misplaced guilt, panic attacks, misplaced blame, severe confusion, complete denial, and lack of focus at work. This isn't an accurate prognosis, just something I got from your posts.

 

One coping mechanism that is common amongst sexual abuse victims is self-blame. That it is your fault that you were raped, because you allowed yourself to be placed in the situation in the first place. That is the vibe that I am getting from your more recent posts.

 

IMO you should stop posting on LS and seek professional care immediately.

Edited May 4, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[drifter777]

...

 

I guess I began to take everything for granted next. I became friends with a male co-worker who was a year younger than me. Of course we became too close. I don't have any excuse for why I did it, only that I feel disappointed that I lost control of my emotions like this. We began a year long EA than a PA soon after. My husband, being both a marriage counsellor and adept at noticing people's signals had suspicions for a long time. Four days ago he confronted me with proof. I'm staying at my parent's house, with my daughter...

 

FoR: this is from you initial post and the story you tell is that of a wife cheating on her husband. Subsequently you explained your husbands abhorrence for infidelity due to his mother's suicide and that he had told you he found cheating an unforgivable offense. Then your story about having sex began to morph into a one-night-stand type of thing and eventually to "he gently forced me" kind of thing. It seems like you are revising the facts to fit a situation that your husband may be able to accept. If this is the case, I hope it works for you. If you truly were forcibly raped, report it to the police and tell your husband and family the truth. If you are lying about the sex, shame on you.

[OldOnTheInside]

^I don't know drifter, she did say that she told her husband that she had an affair. If she was dishonest, she could have easily kept her mouth shut or lied and said that OM raped her in the first place. Why tell her husband the "truth" (an affair) then make outrageous excuses after? She knows her husband isn't an idiot.

 

And why lie to us? She won't get any benefit from doing so.

 

This is why I recommend that you seek a professional FoR. Whether you were raped, had an affair, or whatever else, you are in a messy situation and none of us can really help much.

 

One thing I do know about rape victims is that denial can prevent any chance of recovery. If you were raped, please get help. If you had an affair, you already know that you husband won't fall for any lies.

 

Messy situation...

Edited May 4, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[drifter777]

^I don't know drifter, she did say that she told her husband that she had an affair. If she was dishonest, she could have easily kept her mouth shut or lied and said that OM raped her in the first place. Why tell her husband the "truth" (an affair) then make outrageous excuses after? She knows her husband isn't an idiot.

 

And why lie to us? She won't get any benefit from doing so.

 

This is why I recommend that you seek a professional FoR. Whether you were raped, had an affair, or whatever else, you are in a messy situation and none of us can really help much.

 

One thing I do know about rape victims is that denial can prevent any chance of recovery. If you were raped, please get help. If you had an affair, you already know that you husband won't fall for any lies.

 

Messy situation...

 

No, she didn't tell him about the affair. Look at the quote I grabbed from her initial post.

 

"We began a year long EA than a PA soon after. My husband, being both a marriage counsellor and adept at noticing people's signals had suspicions for a long time. Four days ago he confronted me with proof."

 

I understand your concern that if she really was raped that she needs to report it and begin therapy ASAP, but it really doesn't add up that this is anything but revisionist history.

[OldOnTheInside]

No, she didn't tell him about the affair. Look at the quote I grabbed from her initial post.

 

"We began a year long EA than a PA soon after. My husband, being both a marriage counsellor and adept at noticing people's signals had suspicions for a long time. Four days ago he confronted me with proof."

 

I understand your concern that if she really was raped that she needs to report it and begin therapy ASAP, but it really doesn't add up that this is anything but revisionist history.

 

Right.

 

Tell us FoR, what was this proof exactly?

[betterdeal]

She said she had sex the one time.

 

My mistake.

 

Omit "several times" from my post and the rest still stands.

[John Michael Kane]

My mistake.

 

Omit "several times" from my post and the rest still stands.

 

The only one who needs to change in this situation is her. The lying needs to stop.

[Full of Regret]

To clarify, I broke down and told Husband about the affair. He said he already something was wrong and confronted me with physical evidence. Printed versions of the co-workers sexual emails. My first post was too vague in that regard.

 

Until the more recent posts here, I never would have considered my co-workers actions to be rape. I didn't want to have sex with him but I didn't resist. It seems like a very grey area to me. Would that be rape? I am not sure.

 

IMO you should stop posting on LS and seek professional care immediately.

I think this would be best for now. I've read all of the advice here. I am seeing an IC next week. Communications between myself and my husband are slowly opening up (thank God). We're trying to minimise the emotional fallout that our daughter will feel. I'm getting an STD test in a few days. There is very little left to be said.

 

Thank you everyone.

[Andy_K]

I hope you're being honest with yourself here, and I hope the end result of this isn't an innocent man up on a rape charge to save your marriage...

[Memphis Raines]

This seems more like he's manipulated you for a long time, and he raped you at the first opportunity he got, but in a friendly yet convincing way.

 

no, its and excuse by her to make it look as if it wasn't her own fault for her decisions.

 

she didn't resist him because of what he said. she didn't resist him because she wanted him.

 

so rather than admit it, she is putting this on him.

[John Michael Kane]

no, its and excuse by her to make it look as if it wasn't her own fault for her decisions.

 

she didn't resist him because of what he said. she didn't resist him because she wanted him.

 

so rather than admit it, she is putting this on him.

 

Right, especially since this has been going on for a year. That's a long ass time.

[Memphis Raines]

Until the more recent posts here, I never would have considered my co-workers actions to be rape. I didn't want to have sex with him but I didn't resist.

 

 

oh please. we aren't stupid.