Very very complicated. Girlfriend in love with another but still loves me alot.

[Anoonym]

Didnt exactly know where to post this, so just did it here, if its too long please dont read 10% and leave a stupid comment.

 

Just wanna start out with pointing out that i've never written or read any of this kinda stuff on the net and so on, so im new to this.

Im a 17 year old guy from Sweden, my girlfriend is from norway.

 

Aight so here it goes, sorry if im writing too much none important bull**** just wanted to get it all out there, so you could get a good sight of my problem.

 

 

I know its alot, but im really looking for someone who is experienced about relationships to read it trough, and give me some good advise, or views on my problem.

 

 

 

Known her for 1 and a half year now, though first really started talking to her 9 months ago.

 

I know her because she plays the same game i do (dont judge me by my nerdieness please )

 

Already the first day i started really taking to her, she seemed so interresting to me, she was so special and unlike any other random bimbo shallow girl, meh you prob know what im talking about.

 

Well she is my first love, after 1 months of writing and talking to her i got feelings for her, and ever since they have just grew stronger and stronger for her.

 

There was one problem though, she had a boyfriend when i started having feelings for her, and there was alot of guys that was interrested in her,

because of her being so different from other girls, plus she is looking quite nice, so thats prolly also why she has some stalkers. Though she

doesnt care at all about those though. But anyways she had a boyfriend who she had been together with for 4 years, though it had been going bad

with their relationship for a while before i met her, and yeah i dont wanna go into details but she had lost feelings for him and they broke up about 3 months after i started talking to her (dont wanna go into details here but it wasnt because of me)

 

 

 

Now here starts my real problem, we still kept on writing and talking alot together, sharing ALOT of private stuff with eachother and sharing our life and stuff, and she started liking me and i started liking her more. Though, about 1.5 year ago she met this other guy.

 

They talked alot together back then and did alot of stuff together (that was back when i didnt really talk with her), she kinda liked him, and her spending time with him kinda got her away from her Ex boyfrinend. We've talked alot, and it seems that this is prob the biggest reason that it ended out in a break up with her and her ex, though a big reason is also they grew apart.

 

As i've been talking alot to my girlfriend about this, it seems that she started getting feelings for this new guy abit before she started talking to me, though she first realised this for real 1 month into our relationship.

 

Anyways she where still talking with this guy when i started getting feelings for her, and i knew the guy kinda, but back then she also started liking me ALOT and yeah, it ended out with me going visiting her 3 months ago in norway, and it went AWESOME we had a great time and yeah we "officially" where together or whatever. It all went kinda fast but yeah.

 

 

Then 3 weeks after visiting her for 5 days, she became kinda distant to me. I later found out that guy had been ignoring her for 2 month, and just started talking to her again. She now realised that she felt something for him, and probably where in love with him, at this point she where so sure that we could never be together. So she decided to come to sweden as a friend only, but then she realised how much she loves me and cant be without me so again after talking about it for 1 day we had a great time the next 7 days.

 

It makes me so confused of course, and makes me think im some stupid **** still staying with her, but i gave her a chance, and wanted to belive in this.

 

We talked alot about the situation with her feelings for him and me, and she is really being honest and cant figure out her mind at all, she wish i could read her mind for her but its like she is in love with him, and she have told me that so i know the situation, she throwing all her cards on the table for me so i know the situation.

 

So its NOT like she isnt telling me everything.

 

When she went home this time, it went better than last time being apart, we still had trouble though and some sad moments, and after 2 weeks i came to her and stayed with her for 2 weeks.

 

 

We also had a good time this time, our feelings for eachother grew stronger and stronger, though, after 1 week i did something terrible stupid, it was immature i know but i just felt like there was something i had to know, so i checked her phone messages and there was sms'es from the guy and from her to him that said all kinda ****, dont have to tell you what it said but stuff that just really made me realise how ****ed up the situation is.

 

So i told her i would make it easy for her and leave her and tryed to go out of her door and take a walk in norway alone, but she was crying so much and begging me to stay and not leave her, and explaining to me that she just cant figure out her mind and she wish she could just say **** it and stay with me but she still has feelings for both me and him. She cryed so much and was so sad and i trust her that she is just very split between me and him, and she just cant make up her feelings, and she cant just tell herself to not have feelings for him because thats not how this **** works. But she says i mean soo much to her and she loves me so much she cant explain it.

 

We talked alot about it and i just trust her and wanted to see how this would go, so i gave her a chance because i love her.

 

that was 1.5 months ago, and 3 weeks later i met her again.

 

Those 3 weeks apart went very well, though she didnt want us to meet again because she wanted to make up her mind to be fair to both me, and the other guy, since she knew that we wouldnt be able to not have sex, and that would just be unfair to both me and the other guy.

 

Though after a while she just wanted to see me just for a few days, so she wanted me to only stay for 3 days to make sure that we didnt have sex.

 

So i came to her and this was probably the happiest meeting of all (other than the first time) no crying about the situation and stuff.

At this point she says that her feelings have developed alot more for me, when i confronted her with the time where she said "there was never gonna be a chance between us" and she says that is very different now. She says i mean so so much to her and she loves me so much.

 

 

 

Now, 1 month after that, im here writing this. Because she still doesnt deny that she is in love with him. The guy doesnt know a thing about me and hers relationship by the way, he thinks its all fine and dandy, she just doesnt wanna tell him since she knew how bad it went with telling me, though she thought it would only be fair to tell me about it back then, since we are in a relationship.

 

 

 

But yeah, she doesnt deny she is still in love with him. Though she keeps reminding me how much i mean for her, how much she loves me and stuff like that. And her feelings for me are developing alot the positive way. I still have my emotionally moments though when getting reminded of the situation, though i talk with her about it and it gets better. We talk about everything, i know alot about her previously life and all her troubles she have had as kid and all that, she knows alot about my life.

 

 

 

So yeah here i am almost writing a damn novel about this, i just hope there is someone experienced about this who will read it all trough and give me good advise, or just give me their point of view of this.

 

Please feel free to ask me if there's anything you are wondering about

[mo mo]

This is not complicated at all.

 

Run like hell. Launch this chick.

 

I know that you're gonna say "but but but.. did you read? did you notice x and how x happened?"

 

None of that matters. This person is very confused and not ready or worthy of you. She will only cause you problems.

[thatdog]

Yeah I don't think you can really win here. The only way this is going to work is if you make her choose. She will continue to have feelings for the other guy as long as she keeps in contact with him. You would have t make her choose him or you and tell her that if she doesn't want to stop contact completely with the other guy then you can make it easy and stop contact with her.

Problem is you guys don't even live in the same country so it isn't like there is any way you can keep tabs on her when you are out of town and the stress of worrying about whether she is still seeing the other guy when you are away from her is just going to kill you. No woman is worth this much stress. Jesus she isn't even ****ing you, and she has you tied in knots. I guarantee this will get a million times harder if you guys start sleeping together as well.

Just say sorry I'm not into polygamous relationships, I'm going to find a girl who will give me her WHOLE heart.

[Anoonym]

Thanks for replying.

 

This guy lives in denmark by the way, she have never met him in real life, and never had sex with him, so i dont worry about that, i also think thats one of the reasons she denied being in love with him up untill after the 2 months he had ignored her, i guess it all went a bit too fast with me and her.

 

I think you misunderstood me abit, the first 3 times we did have sex, and it wasnt like "sex on first date" since we knew eachother alot and have talked about almost everything, so we knew it was right. The first time i met her she didnt talk to that guy for 2 months.

 

Then he started talking to her again and she realised how much she felt for him, just to sum up, since then she have been less and less interrested in him, and more and more focused on me, and her feelings for me developes more and more for me in a positive way.

 

Her ex boyfriend she was together with for 4 years by the way, lived 5 minutes from her, so this is the first time she is going long distant with anyone.

 

Please dont think that she is some slutty girl though, the million of guys interrested in her is only one way, and they aint doing anything but bothering her, she is only interrested in those she likes, and thats me and the other guy, but as i said she says i mean the world to her, and that she loves me more than anything, she tells me its not like back then, her feelings are developing for me, and she seems less interrested about the other guy, and more focused on me, we still have lots of moments together.

 

 

 

She talks so much about how much she misses me when im gone, she seems to be feeling exact the same as me, and forgetting the other guy more and more as time goes, she says she is always imagining what a great life me and her could have together.

 

She still doesnt deny that she still is in love with him though. But she says its just so confusing for her and that she cant just put away some feelings for another guy asap, it just went too fast with us from the start when she was emotionally unstable..

[Professor X]

She doesn't love you, she loves the attention you give her.

If there were 10 more guys giving her the attention you 2 give her, she'd love them too, trust me, I've met a person like this and same deal happened to me. Except that I was the other guy (denmark dude) - When I told her I'm gone she then confessed how much she loved me and even cried (she also had a "BF"), and so what? She had a BF whom she didn't respect at all (by talking to me), so why on earth would I want a chick like that??!?!

 

You need to rethink about her. She might be pretty, but beauty is never worth it.

[Anoonym]

Trust me, the attention is not an issue, it has nothing to do with her getting attention.

 

As i said in my first post, there is alot of guys interrested in her, she is getting attention, alot of it, so the attention is not the problem.

 

We are talking really really good together, its hard explaining but we both think we are connecting alot and we can talk about everything.

 

But thanks alot for the reply its nice to see someone who kinda have been in the same situation.

[Professor X]

Trust me, the attention is not an issue, it has nothing to do with her getting attention.

 

As i said in my first post, there is alot of guys interrested in her, she is getting attention, alot of it, so the attention is not the problem.

 

We are talking really really good together, its hard explaining but we both think we are connecting alot and we can talk about everything.

 

But thanks alot for the reply its nice to see someone who kinda have been in the same situation.

 

There are different types of attention.

Emotional attention is what she want - and the more people the better.

[sanskrit]

People who keep options around for months and months without choosing one when asked to do so are either A. Bad, weak, selfish people or B. Not really interested in either one enough to foreclose the other options. Only you can know which and either write her off or see if her feelings for you increase enough that she has enough respect for you and your relationship to cut the other guy loose permanently.

 

In your shoes would cultivate more options close to home and avoid starting up relationships with those met playing MMORPGs.

[mo mo]

Trust me, the attention is not an issue, it has nothing to do with her getting attention.

 

As i said in my first post, there is alot of guys interrested in her, she is getting attention, alot of it, so the attention is not the problem.

 

We are talking really really good together, its hard explaining but we both think we are connecting alot and we can talk about everything.

 

But thanks alot for the reply its nice to see someone who kinda have been in the same situation.

 

Why did you come here for advice if you don't want to listen? I think you just want some kind of validation.

[Anoonym]

Well i do want to listen, and yes i can aggree that its probably emotionally attention.

 

I dont know i just think theres more to it, and yeah some reason of me coming here was probably to get others view on it so its not me alone about it, just wanted someone really experienced on it to give me a long good argumented advise about it, and share his point of view.

 

and i did get some of that, thanks for the replys for now.

[mo mo]

Well i do want to listen, and yes i can aggree that its probably emotionally attention.

 

I dont know i just think theres more to it, and yeah some reason of me coming here was probably to get others view on it so its not me alone about it, just wanted someone really experienced on it to give me a long good argumented advise about it, and share his point of view.

 

and i did get some of that, thanks for the replys for now.

 

Look man.. a lot of us have been in similar situations before. Whenever you are inexperienced with relationships you try to make excuses for the other person. Me and a few other posters are just telling you like it is: the girl is confused and you should not excuse her behavior.

 

Stop with the "there's more to it" because there isn't. Everything else is irrelevant. Stop wasting your time.

[Anoonym]

She says she needs to meet the guy if she feels anything real for him, and to decide if its me she has true feelings for. What should i do?

[Professor X]

She says she needs to meet the guy if she feels anything real for him, and to decide if its me she has true feelings for. What should i do?

 

You should tell her "Bon voyage" and to be careful the door won't hit her on her way out.

 

You don't need her to "think" if you're good enough for her, you need her to know, as in to tell the other guy to get lost.

She doesn't do it, cause she's typical emo seeker; Do yourself a favor and have a little bit of respect and kick her.

 

Than again, if you enjoy being a doormat, than by all means, let her walk all over you, clean her shoes too; Your life, your decisions.

 

P.S. - delete WoW, it ain't worth it.

Edited May 1, 2011 by Professor X

[thatdog]

She says she needs to meet the guy if she feels anything real for him, and to decide if its me she has true feelings for. What should i do?

 

Tell her no way. Head for the door, stop for some free desperation sex if she throws it at you, then gut out of bed and head back out that door.

[Anoonym]

You should tell her "Bon voyage" and to be careful the door won't hit her on her way out.

 

You don't need her to "think" if you're good enough for her, you need her to know, as in to tell the other guy to get lost.

She doesn't do it, cause she's typical emo seeker; Do yourself a favor and have a little bit of respect and kick her.

 

Than again, if you enjoy being a doormat, than by all means, let her walk all over you, clean her shoes too; Your life, your decisions.

 

P.S. - delete WoW, it ain't worth it.

 

Dont wanna sound like i aint gonna listen to you all but, she is more just meeting him to make sure there is nothing between her and him, so she can forget about him, since she never met him irl.

 

Btw please dont mind my hobbies, i appreciate you are giving me advise about what i asked for, but please dont tell me what to have as hobbies =)

[mo mo]

~sigh~ sometimes people only learn things the hard way.

 

Might as well close this thread. You have already made your mind up.

[Professor X]

~sigh~ sometimes people only learn things the hard way.

 

Might as well close this thread. You have already made your mind up.

 

Haha, yeah.

 

@OP - get hurt, I honestly don't care, none of my business, but if you're weak enough to let someone like her go "check" there's nothing (laughable) than you deserve to be hurt.

 

You obviously came here so that people will tell you it's okai.

 

P.S. - when you play WoW 12h/day, it's not a hobby, it's an addiction =)

[orangelady]

It's not complicated, it's you who are complicating things. I do believe that some people have the ability to 'fall' or 'love' more than one person BUT depending on what you want out of a relationship, someone who knows that you don't want to share her with someone else yet doesn't want to leave the other person, or cut all emotional feelings for the other to be whole with you does not love you.

[utterer of lies]

she is more just meeting him to make sure there is nothing between her and him, so she can forget about him, since she never met him irl.

 

That's not how stuff happens. She'll meet him, have sex with him, and in a few days you'll be here posting again. It's so simple.

 

You are not good enough for her, otherwise she wouldn't have to find out and experience the other guy. No matter what will happen, you are going to lose. Either her, or just your self-respect. Do you really want to be her second choice?

[R0botix]

i'm slightly older (19) than you but i can empathise.

Give her some space and she'll bounce back like a rubber band. They always do it if you show you really aren't interested in being messed around with. It'll be hard for you and you'll feel bad for doing it. She'll come back though man, I cannot guarantee it though. Tell her she needs to sort who she likes out and when she has she can come and talk to you again. Don't hang by the phone ready to jump back if she's keen, sometimes jealousy for one's love can be strong enough and then you can take her back. If not, there are countless opportunities for girls man, though you may not catch the first few that you'd hope for, it happens, it just takes time. (my uncle just got married at 42 and was a 37? year old virgin. he found the love of his life only a few years ago and is expecting a child). Im also in a long distance (like 3000 miles apart) relationship. Who knows, will it work? I dunno but i'll have to wait and see.

 

hope my wisdom helps