Desensitized Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 (edited) So hey everyone, this is new for me. I am going to make this as concise as possible for your convenience. So anyway, when I started dating this girl, I knew she had a promiscuous sexual history. I had a crush on her for so long, and I knew some of my friends had sex with her in the past because they told me. She was known in school for being the girl that everyone sorta sleeps with, but I didn't really let that bother me at the time. So months end up passing and eventually we start dating. Everything started out fine, but I kept on getting these thoughts of hatred and disgust towards her because of her sexual history - I still get them and we're not even together anymore! I put up with her leaving up past reminders of her ex-boyfriends, and even her talking to her ex-boyfriends (who she had sex with). I asked her numerous times to take them down because they bothered me, and she would always say, "Okay, I'll take them down because you're more important." Then, she would tell me that she got rid of everything, but when I would go into her room, there would still be pictures and other trinkets laying around of her ex-boyfriends! Eventually, I lost my cool and I had enough of her sadist tendencies. Seeing those reminders everyday literally almost drove me to the point of insanity. Two weeks prior to me canceling the engagement, I find out she had BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Now, I don't know what to do. My ex-fiancee tells me that she shouldn't be blamed for sleeping with 20+ guys because of her disorder, which gets me thinking that maybe I should just be with her because she did make me happy - I still constantly think about the good times we had. Long story short, I don't know what to do. I still have feelings for her and she tells me that she loves me more than she could ever promise. I just don't know what to believe. She would do anything for me when we were together, but she just wouldn't do the one thing I wanted: take down all her pictures and remove all the trinkets, etc. I don't really think I'll ever be able to get over her past even though I know now that she has a disorder. I think about my future and as selfish as this sounds, I don't want my children having what she has. I don't want to marry someone who has no control of what they're doing - she could cheat on me and just blame her disorder! I love this girl to death, but I just don't know if being with her again is the right decision. Help please? Edited April 30, 2011 by Desensitized
Vitai Slade Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 This is sort of tricky because it involves a medical disorder, however, the problem is still the same. If she can't let go of the past boyfriends and past experiences, then she's not giving herself completely to you. This is most likely why it is so bothersome to you. You feel as though by her having these trinkets, that she still holds that desire to return to those other guys. She may or may not, but she should at least respect you enough to get rid of the stuff and move on, disorder or not. People with ADHD can pay attention, it's just more difficult and requires more effort. I assume the same is with any 'disorder'. The final call is really up to you. Do you want to try and work things out? Would you be willing to work to patch things up if you could? Would you be happy with her? Could you forgive her past and move forward with a future with her? Could she give up her old ways completely and stay completely faithful to you and only you in every way? Would she use her disorder as an excuse to get away with stuff that normally wouldn't be a problem? These are all questions you have to ask yourself. Think about it hard... this decision could change your life forever. For good or for bad.
Author Desensitized Posted April 30, 2011 Author Posted April 30, 2011 Thanks for the reply, Vitai. I agree with where you're coming from on the fact that she probably did have control of what she was doing when she was having sex with all those other guys, she just doesn't want to take responsibility. I honestly don't know if I could be happy with her, but she recently said to me, "you're going to regret losing me because you're too immature to get over something as stupid as my past. I'll be happily married, and you will end up regretting canceling what we had." I guess this just made me think long and hard about the decision that I made. It sort of made me regret canceling the engagement, but the more and more I think about it, I still get upset thinking about her history. People say that thinking this way is immature, but what do they know? They probably haven't been through what I've been through... or they could just be the type of guy that really do not care about how many guys their girlfriend/wife has slept with. I don't know about anyone else, but I only live one life and I want that special somebody to be as perfect as I thought my ex-fiancee was.
Author Desensitized Posted April 30, 2011 Author Posted April 30, 2011 edit: before anyone brings this up, I would like to add that I am not insecure about my ex-fiancee's ex-lovers, I know that I'm way better than all of them. Just wanted to post this before people attack me for being immature and insecure, blah blah blah. I've read other posts similar to this and I didn't want to be called out on it
Mcnulty Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 It sounds like people are demonizing this girl because of her past and her disorder...sadist tendencies....you don't want your children having what she has!!! Come on man...give her a break, she has an illness and a past...!!! She has not cheated on you, you have not mentioned she is a cheater in her past...okay she should not have pics of her exes on show, In agree with that, but 2 things your ex has said sound very truthful...." she shouldn't be blamed for sleeping with 20+ guys because of her disorder" and "she loves me more than she could ever promise". Sounds like you are the one with the prejudiced, judgmental view. I'm sick of reading on here lately that people with mental illness should be kept at a distance...'I'm one of those people and it really is not fair for us to be judged like this!!! She may be right when she says,"you're going to regret losing me because your too immature."
broken-and-lost Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 It sounds like people are demonizing this girl because of her past and her disorder...sadist tendencies....you don't want your children having what she has!!! Come on man...give her a break, she has an illness and a past...!!! She has not cheated on you, you have not mentioned she is a cheater in her past...okay she should not have pics of her exes on show, In agree with that, but 2 things your ex has said sound very truthful...." she shouldn't be blamed for sleeping with 20+ guys because of her disorder" and "she loves me more than she could ever promise". Sounds like you are the one with the prejudiced, judgmental view. I'm sick of reading on here lately that people with mental illness should be kept at a distance...'I'm one of those people and it really is not fair for us to be judged like this!!! She may be right when she says,"you're going to regret losing me because your too immature." Agree not everyone with mental illness is a monster, you have to ask yourself are you able to support her and build a life together or not? do you love her enough for that or is the pressure of her problems too much if that's the case then be honest with her
Author Desensitized Posted April 30, 2011 Author Posted April 30, 2011 It sounds like people are demonizing this girl because of her past and her disorder...sadist tendencies....you don't want your children having what she has!!! Come on man...give her a break, she has an illness and a past...!!! She has not cheated on you, you have not mentioned she is a cheater in her past...okay she should not have pics of her exes on show, In agree with that, but 2 things your ex has said sound very truthful...." she shouldn't be blamed for sleeping with 20+ guys because of her disorder" and "she loves me more than she could ever promise". Sounds like you are the one with the prejudiced, judgmental view. I'm sick of reading on here lately that people with mental illness should be kept at a distance...'I'm one of those people and it really is not fair for us to be judged like this!!! She may be right when she says,"you're going to regret losing me because your too immature." She actually is a cheater, but she didn't cheat on me. She cheated on 3 different guys in the past, and I did bring that up to her once. And as for the "she shouldn't be blamed for sleeping with 20+ guys" did she really have no control of what she was doing? Does having a disorder make everything justifiable? I don't have a prejudiced, judgmental view, it's just she's made me think less of her because of all of the things she's put me through. She can seem like a real sweetheart and then all of the sudden she can phase into a person that enjoys hurting me emotionally. I don't want to demonize her, but it's really hard not to with everything that's happened. I am not immature when it comes to her past, and that's the common misconception of people that do not understand where guys like us are coming from. That said, I don't feel like her having this disorder should be used as a "get out of jail free" card.
Mcnulty Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Bare bones....she has not cheated on you, she had exes pics etc in bedroom...not a good idea, she has borderline personality disorder, she has slept with over 20 people, cheated on occasion, but she told you I'm assuming. Do you want her back? Are you in love with her? Can you get over the busy sexual history...I say history, as it is in the past, not the present. Can/will you support her in treating her illness? If you have said no to any of the immediate above, move on from her. Dodged a bullet...is she that loaded with ammunition?...naaah I don't think so...just my opinion. If a guy had over 20 partners should/would he be judged with the same frowned upon attitude...double standards if so!!!
Art_Critic Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 You need to educate yourself on this disorder before you make a decision and go further.. Some people are not made up of the stuff it takes to be with someone who is BPD.. some people are... There is a great book out there for people in a relationship with BPD and it is a very eye opening and welcoming book to read for someone who just doesn't understand the whirlwind they are in.. The book is called "stop walking on eggshells"... it is a must read and will help you cope and understand what she is going thru
love is dangerous Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 this depends on her views, does she regret her past or is she just a slut. if so i would run a mile but you should have done that at the beginning . now you both are in love its different, you should forget her past as long as she hasnt cheated on you if you love her i mean do you trust her. she should respect your views on cutting off her ex's shes had sex with though . shes not really helping the matter.
Author Desensitized Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 this depends on her views, does she regret her past or is she just a slut. if so i would run a mile but you should have done that at the beginning . now you both are in love its different, you should forget her past as long as she hasnt cheated on you if you love her i mean do you trust her. she should respect your views on cutting off her ex's shes had sex with though . shes not really helping the matter. Honestly, I don't know if she regrets her past. If she did, I'm sure she would've taken down the pictures, trinkets, and everything else that reminded her of the past without me having to ask her. In the beginning, I can honestly say that she was a slut. Now, I am making an inference here because before we started dating, she would always talk to me about how many guys she's ****ed and how she wanted to have a threesome. I don't know if she wants to do any of those things now that we're broken up, though. Who knows. I'd like to think that she's changed, but I'm probably just being naive.
Art_Critic Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Some people who have BPD are known to be promiscuous http://bpd.about.com/od/livingwithbpd/a/bpdsex.htm It can be a symptom of their disorder... so calling her a slut is a bit judgmental.
Author Desensitized Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Some people who have BPD are known to be promiscuous http://bpd.about.com/od/livingwithbpd/a/bpdsex.htm It can be a symptom of their disorder... so calling her a slut is a bit judgmental. Honestly, I just don't know what to do. I love her, but I'm starting to think that it's a conditional type of love (unfortunately). I hate to be selfish and only think of myself, but I can't take the risk of helping her for who knows how long. I talked to a counselor, and he told me that people don't usually show results for a REALLY long time. The last two semesters of college weren't easy because of her. I don't want to place all the blame on her, but I was so stressed those last two semesters. I honestly don't even know how I got on the Dean's List being so stressed... Things have just recently have gotten better with her disappearance, and I don't want things becoming painful for me again. Me staying with her would be like something out of the movies (no offense) where everything that bothered me all of the sudden doesn't bother me - that's just not going to happen. I'd love to be the guy that fixes her and lives happily ever after with her, but so many values that I believe in, she has violated. She was the girl I wanted to marry and my true love, but I don't want to think less of her because of her past. I think she needs to find someone that doesn't have the same values as me, or has the ability to get over something like this. I can't get over her past because of my values. I don't want to live a life of delusion and taking pills in order to be happy - it just doesn't sound all that great. The trust between us has also been broken. I won't go into details, but it has been. I wish I could be with her, but maybe in a next life. I only have one life and I can't sacrifice my own happiness for hers no matter how much I love her.
Art_Critic Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 I'd love to be the guy that fixes her and lives happily ever after with her, I know your heart hurts but you need to realize that no guy is EVER going to fix her... the only thing that can fix her is therapy and or medication and even then the success rate is lower than 100%. You need to do some research on the disorder she has and use your head to decide not your heart.. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to be around someone who has BPD and is actively cycling.. It's a roller coaster of epic proportions from my experience I'm not saying you can't be that person but you should at least be informed of what you are going to deal with.
Downtown Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Desensitized, please don't go down the path I took. It does not end well. I lived with my BPDer exW for 15 years, during which time I spent over $200,000 out of pocket taking her to six different psychologists. It is rare for a high functioning BPDer to willingly seek therapy because the very nature of the illness usually prevents them from being self aware enough to acknowledge needing help. Even when they do go, it is rare for them to work at getting better (even though excellent treatment programs are now available). Therapist Shari Schreiber says you have a better chance flying to the moon strapped to a banana than ever seeing a BPDer stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. If you would like a brief overview of what you likely will face if you return to her, please read my posts in Katt's thread. They start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3361912#post3361912. Similarly, I also describe typical BPDer behavior in Inigo's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826453#post2826453. If you have any questions about those discussions, I would be glad to try to answer them here if you like. Both Katt and Inigo were going through the same painful separation from a BPDer that you are now experiencing. Take care.
Author Desensitized Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Hey Downtown, I would just like to say that I appreciate you sharing your story with me. I read the two links you posted, and everything you mentioned was dead on with my relationship. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in this, and that good guys often do have some of the worst luck. I guess life is what it is, unfortunately, but all we can do is move forward, right? Thanks for easing my pain and reassuring me that I did make the right decision. The text she sent me a while back was making me ponder whether I made the right decision or not, but now I know that I did. And whether later I find out that it wasn't the right decision - I just have to stand by the decision I made. Thanks for taking your time to read my post and take care. God bless.
Author Desensitized Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 The ex-fiancee ended up contacting me today and she started blaming me for everything. It's impossible to be friends with this woman as much as I would like to be friends with her. She just brings the worst out of me... we were supposed to get together this Saturday because I am leaving for California for good, but I recently canceled meeting with her because I don't feel like it's for the best. She got upset and called me an *******, etc, etc. She has BPD, and I know this is what they do, but it just saddens me that she will always see me as the bad guy. Sigh...
Recommended Posts