he really cares for me, BUT?

[sweetblubrry]

So my birthday was today and I had been wondering if my ex was going to contact me. Well he called me last night around 10pm and I was so surprised. He hasn't called me since we broke up in January! Pretty much 7 weeks of NC, but we do work together sometimes. We ended up talking for 3 hours including him wishing me a happy bday at midnight. However, now I am confused.

 

We dated 8 months and he broke up with me in January because he was unsure of his life, unstable, etc, didn't want to drag me down. Blah blah blah. So he started talking about how when we were together people were always making comments. Like along the lines of how he isn’t good enough for me and other stupid things that people gossip about because they have nothing better to do. (I don’t recall anyone saying anything…..) But he said the comments really got to him and he couldn’t stand the pressure. So he had to do what is best for him and remove him from that situation because it was making him unhappy. In my earlier posts I mentioned he has no confidence and lets everything get to him. What upsets me is that he is letting them win and he knows that. He admitted to me that night that he still really cares for me!!! So it really upsets me that he is letting other people dictate his life. They are interfering with his feelings toward me. My view is that if he loves me, isn’t that what matters… and not what anyone else says? He said he is never going to put himself in this situation again… I’m like okay, well you are going to be alone the rest of your life! I asked what if we were in different areas at work… and he said he doesn’t know. He doesn’t trust anyone… and I sort of have his trust and maybe one other person. He says he knows this isn't fair and not right and that he will probably regret it. He has also been talking to a conselor for his issues the past 3 months.

 

So recently his ex-roommate (who didn't know we dated) has been coming on to me. My ex wanted to mess with the guy b/c he doesn't like him plus b/c of me. He knows there is no way I'd ever date this guy so he didn't seem worried. But a situation came up where I decided to bring up the fact that his best friend has been hitting on me and lied to me about him (the friend told me my ex was dating someone else b/c he liked me and I guess wanted me to get over him) He was SO UPSET! He was crying... and felt like he was stabbed in the back.

 

What should I do?!? Why would this affect him so much? And it upsets me so much that he can't get over what other people say to be with me. At work, he is so friendly and constantly watching me and around me. He does everything to be there and try to make conversation. I am the only girl he sees in that room. I am so confused and I miss him so much.

Edited April 30, 2011 by sweetblubrry

[Fufu]

Happy Birthday

 

However, why did you pick up the phone. This is a big issue of breaking NC, once we break NC and answered to our exes' contact, we tend to be confused, and over analyze their actions again.

 

Your ex needs to work out his own issues and if he doesn't want you to be in his life, nothing can make him change that. You are not him, and he is not you.

 

He may or he may not love you, but once he doesn't want you, it's best to let go.

 

He cried when you said that his best friend has been hitting on you. There are many reasons to this and right now he never even say he wants to be with you again. Don't over-read too much of his feelings.

 

I know there are some guys after breaking up with their gfs, they don't want them anymore but they don't let other guys to be with their ex-gfs. This is a selfish thought in my opinion.

 

You want to be actively chosen and not played around (sorry,I donno what other words to use) by his words.

[sweetblubrry]

This is why I do not like this forum sometimes. NC does not work for everyone! I work with my ex... NC is just not possible. He has underlying issues with trust and is struggling in a very personal way. He is seeing a therapist for his issues as well. It's not like he just broke up with me because he's a jerk (and hence NC would be a solution for him to realize what he is missing). By going NC I show that I don't care, and that furthers the no trust and will make him distance more, not make him come back. My ex is a very unique person, he has no self confidence or anything. NC is not gonna work with him. Trust me.

 

Yes I am not contacting him, I do not overly make myself avaliable and I keep the conversations short at work and go about my business. But going completely NC is going to be detrimental to everything.. and honestly makes me feel worse. He does not have many friends. He trusts me and maybe one other person. That is why this is so hard. Because I need to look out for myself but I care about his well-being too and know that he is struggling internally. Its a very complicated situation. I am trying my best to stay strong, but it is hard. I miss him very much.

Edited May 2, 2011 by sweetblubrry

[PinkChic]

I agree with you. This forum is CONSTANTLY preeching NC and while yes I do believe NC is good to MOVE ON when you BOTH KNOW the relationship is completely over... but how many couples REALLY know that the second they are done with the "break up conversation"... I think it takes some time for a couple to truly decide that. A good relationship is hard work... and people argue and sometimes people need time apart to realize what they had...

 

NC should not be used for head games. When you go NC on someone you are basically telling them you don't care anymore and that you are DONE. What if your not?

 

I think NC should be a case by case basis. It's a lot easier said than done. People are constantly saying NC but to me, I would rather know that I tried to make the relationship work and didn't play games than to go NC straight off the bat and not put up a fight. I wouldn't be able to live with myself and I most certainly would not have closure.

 

Just my two sense, and of course HAPPY BIRTHDAY

[ASG]

I don't even think you need to go completely NC to move on, when you know that the relationship is indeed over.

 

I have never gone strict NC with any of my exes. I just didn't talk to them much after we broke up. But if they called or if I saw them, I would have polite conversation with them. I don't think I ever deleted a phone number because of a break up.

 

And I managed to get over every single one of my exes (still working on the latest one, but I know it'll happen, it's just too recent).

Obviously, for some reason, I've never really resented an ex in a way that I never wanted to see him again. I think I would have deleted his number then. And I only had one ex stop talking to me (or even acknowledge I existed) but we hadn't dated long, so I wasn't too bothered and never tried to talk to him again either.

[VJohnson32]

NC is to gain self respect back and clear piece of mind. If you want to be with somebody who dumped, ditched, left, abandon you regardless of the reasons you have been given then keep in touch with him then and hope for reconciliation. People that keep LC with their ex's in my opinion are desperate individuals with no respect for themselves. If the best you can do is, unstable, zero confidence with issues that he cant deal on his own has to seek professional help then go for it ...

[ASG]

See, the thing is, not everyone is the same.

 

I don't need to go NC to regain self respect. Or peace of mind. There was one break up that I handled badly and would like to go back and re-do (e.g. not beg and cry and chase him), but after a short while I figured out that there was no hope in getting back together. We mantained LC and I still got over him, in just a few months!

 

I just don't see the reason to cut someone out of my life just because we didn't work as a couple.

[Leda]

I'm glad to hear he's addressing some of this stuff with a therapist. I hope it's a good therapist, and that it's bringing him peace. It sounds like this guy still has strong feelings for you, and is incapable of having a healthy, solid, confident relationship right now.

 

I agree that relationships, breakups, and post-breakups are just not that black and white. NC is so helpful if you are sure you want to move on, if you have to move on because the person is abusive, if you are 180% positive the person knows how you feel and they still don't want you back.....or if they've been dicking you around for a long time with mixed messages, and they're the type where saying "I miss you" does not mean "I want us to be back together."

 

Your ex is edging toward this last category, but I see why you're still hanging on and undecided. In some ways, he sounds like he still has one foot in the relationship...and like he is into YOU but not into the relationship...and all sorts of messed up stuff. Analyzing his behavior while he's in the emotional state he's in now (crying over a girl HE dumped, letting his self-esteem swirl around the toilet, trying to stay involved with the b-day call) will confuse you and drive you crazy.

 

All you can do is make sure what you feel and want is as crystal clear to him (and to you) as possible. Once he knows those feelings--and it sounds like he does--I recommend that you step away and give him time to sort himself out. You can share any feelings you've written here, with him--how you want him to know you care, how you're hurt and confused. But he's also made the situation clear, as much as it can be--that he's a mess and has reasons he wants to be split up, and he's getting help for the mess. I think it might be a case for reducing contact (talking to him about why), and for getting a bit of distance yourself---focusing on other things in your head, heart, and life? Otherwise you'll start to get as troubled as he is!

 

I disagree with VJohnson32. I personally get desperate sometimes! My mistake, which I've fixed since joining this forum, was trying to hide how I felt and act cool and go all NC (it wasn't to manipulate him back so much as I was too prideful to show him I was desperate and hurting)...The right guys for me care about my beauty, my weird sense of humor, our shared chemistry and love, how it feels to kiss or hold me, our shared adventures, and my big heart. They don't care so much whether---oooh--I manage to hide that I'm upset when I lose someone I love. THAT was actually insecure thinking. I'm never going back there again.

 

NC is great for healing when you know it's over or wish it would be over! Not always the right call if it's salvagable.

[Fufu]

Going NC or not it's up to you.

 

We are not preaching on NC, we only believe when your ex walks out on you and if they are not evening listening to you and/or wants to rebuild this relationship, NC is definitely the best to seek in my opinion.

 

Ultimately, it's your own decision whether you want to seek NC or not.

 

If you believe communication at this period works, you can continue contacting your ex. No one can stop you from doing what you like.

 

If you want to remain contact with your ex and hope he comes back to your life, go ahead, it's your choice.

 

if you are not afraid and you know for sure you will not feel any heartache if he never comes back to you or get himself a new girlfriend, then you do not need NC.

 

I say my personal advice. And I hope you find what's best for yourself.

[sweetblubrry]

Thanks everyone so much for the responses! Especially to Leda, your words made so much sense to me. Right now I am staying away. He knows he can talk to me if he wants. I am still upset however because I feel like he is picking other peoples thoughts over me. Though it does make me realize exactly how insecure he really is. How can someone who seems so confident be so unsecure? Amazing. I love him and care for him a lot and I hope for his sake he figures everything out. I do focus on my own goals and life but I still miss him being a part of it. At least he knows I am not resenting him for now. For some reason in my head I don't believe it's over. There is still a connection between us and it happens always and I know he feels it too. It's like he is drawn to me when we are in the same room together, I even had someone ask me if we were back together! I hope he comes around. I wont wait but at this point I dont even care about dating. I just don't care. Sigh life is so hard, but I do think everything happens for a reason.