CandyHeart Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 I'm sorry if this is long and complicated but here it goes... I've been 'dating' a man 10 years older than myself for about 7 years. We first started as friendship and over the years got closer to one another, he lives a bit of a distance and throughout these 7 years I have always been the one to travel back and forth to his place and stayed with him for long periods of the year...he has NEVER come to visit my family and has never suggested to come visit or even offer to come visit. He has suggested I should live with him and even suggested marriage but as soon as I come to visit that subject NEVER gets discussed and when I bring up the subject he ALWAYS says the same thing which happens to be about money and finance and how money doesn't grow on trees. I am tired of always being the one to travel hours to go visit him. On the phone before I visit he always suggests 'this time we will look into you staying here permantly but nothing ever happens and it doesn't get discussed. About 3 years ago I traveled to work and gain training for a job and was at this facility for about 3 months and during my 3 months I got involved with a wonderful friendship with the other gender. I loved this place, the people I met, the friends I made and the co workers. I was spending a lot of my free time with my new friend so my 7 year relationship started getting jealous and he kept telling me he can't wait for me to come back and this time for sure he will work something out for me to live with him and he is sorry for not doing this before and sorry for the way he acted. After my job here I went to visit my 7 year 'boyfriend' while remaining in contact with my new male best friend. The same thing happened with my 7 year 'boyfriend' I visited, nothing came up about me staying to live there and I go back home again! After I went home I decided to go back to this 3 month job again because they invited me back. I met my male friend and again we had fun and a strong friendship bond. This time my boyfriend wasn't jealous because I called him almost everyday and emailed him and talked on instant messenger as much as I could. After this job I now went back to visit my boyfriend because he gave me money to visit him and of course he said again on the phone about me staying, getting married and having children this time I come to visit...it is coming up to my leaving date soon to go back home and again NOTHING is happening about me staying to live here. My male friend wants me to visit again very soon, we both admitted we both want a relationship with one another and he has been looking for places for us to stay. He is planning to visit my family and wants us to be in a relationship. I know what I want and I want this too. My concern is how to break it with my 7 year relationship... for these last 2 years my love feels like it has died off for my 7 year relationship because I am tired of being the one to travel back and forth, I am tired of the commitment lies. I can't keep wasting my earnings on a relationship that has no commitment. I don't know how to break it off or what to say to end it since we have been together for so long, its not going to be easy. He doesn't hold my hand and he doesn't kiss me in public and it has been like that throughout the whole 'relationship' if you can even call this a relationship. How do I end such a long relationship?
Woman In Blue Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 (edited) It's basically been a relationship of convenience for 7-year boyfriend. He doesn't want to make ANY effort at all to make the trip to come and see you, or get involved in your world in any way. He sounds incredibly selfish because he has zero desire to explore your life; it's as though the only 'real' world is his - take it or leave it. And he makes sure to sweeten the pot with false promises of a future with him, then verbally slaps you in the face when you remind him of those promises. Actions speak louder than words, Candy Heart. Don't listen to what a man is TELLING you, watch what he actually DOES. Words are cheap, but actions are golden. 7-year boyfriend has NEVER backed up his words. He's right where he wants to be and doesn't want to change the status quo. I'll give you credit for staying for 7 years - I would have been LONG gone before now. How do you end a 7-year quasi-relationship? Because that's what it was. It wasn't give and take - it was pretty much all HIM taking and you doing the giving. I'd simply tell him I'm moving on because we both want different things. He'll NO DOUBT drag out all his lies about wanting a future with you and beg you to come there so you can "discuss it," but you know damned well those are JUST words and nothing else. All you have to do is tell him to drag his lazy ass down to YOUR part of the world to discuss it, and watch the excuses fly. Candy, don't let him talk you back into being together with more of his false promises. It's been 7 YEARS of false promises. If he really wanted you in his life, he would have made it HAPPEN long before now. Don't mention that you have someone else because then it will just become an ego thing where he'll pull out all the stops just to 'win,' and you'll find yourself right back in the same hollow relationship you've been stuck in for the last 7 years. Simply tell him you're moving on. PERIOD. Good luck to you. Edited April 30, 2011 by Woman In Blue
Author CandyHeart Posted April 30, 2011 Author Posted April 30, 2011 *Sigh* I always had a suspicion this was how it was, 7 years is a long time to not commit to someone you are in a 'distance relationship' with I would think? Especially to travel there is not cheap! I can not keep affording this every year. Its just hard to wrap my head around it because as soon as I go home he is all over me like a fly attracted to garbage, interesting way of putting it. He tries to make me feel guilty because he 'buys me what I want' and 'gives me money' and he phones me everyday and tells me his commitment plans over the phone and every time I visit its the same, no public affection, no commitment plans he mentions on instant messenger and phone, it seems like the same circle and as soon as I am home I want to break this circle because my love for him has died and has done for the last 2 - 3 years. I always had a feeling something was up but I found it hard to accept.
Professor X Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Well, you're asking how to end this, correct? In other words, you are already at the state of mind that you wanna break up with him; Which I agree that that's what you should do considering the details you've told us. All I can tell is that there's no easy way of doing it. You just have to chin up, gather your courage and do what's best for you. Consider the alternative: Living the rest of your life with a men who talks a lot and does nothing. Actions, as you know, speak louder than words; And his actions, or lack thereof, shows you that he's not interested, or as Woman In Blue said "It's basically been a relationship of convenience for 7-year boyfriend" So be brave, call him, and tell him you can't do this anymore; And be free.
Chi townD Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 You want to take the band-aid off slowly or quickly. If it's quickly, be honest with him. The feelings aren't there anymore and that you've been cheating on him. This way, you won't have to lie and make him feel like everything was his fault or wondering what he did wrong OR try to win you back with promising to change. Chances are he'll never contact you again.....which is what you want, right?
Imajerk17 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Well, it seems to me that you have been CHEATING on your boyfriend of 7 years. And you're blaming all of this on him. There's a name for women like that, you know. Some catch *you* are, CandyHeart. I wonder if you would be breaking up with your boyfriend if you haven't met this other guy. Let your boyfriend go and find a woman worthy of his love, as you aint it.
OldOnTheInside Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I want to break this circle because my love for him has died and has done for the last 2 - 3 year I don't understand, you already know what you have to do.
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