change Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 I believe that my wife may be in a fight/flight response mode because of feelings of emotional/sexual abandonment by me during my depression. I'm seeking treatment and really turning a corner in my life. She cried and said she wanted to come home and work on us. She started talking about the future. Then she pulled back and now we have almost no contact at all. She's still living outside the home. And now she's dating other people during our trial separation. I believe that some clarity could be brought to this situation by those that have experience in the area of abandonment by their spouse (emotional, physical, sexual, etc.). DOT? Anyone? Thank you.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Yes, the feelings of abadonment and isolation would be paramount given the situation. did her other social ties fall away as well during all of this?
Author change Posted April 30, 2011 Author Posted April 30, 2011 Yes, the feelings of abadonment and isolation would be paramount given the situation. did her other social ties fall away as well during all of this? I think they fell away originally. I don't know why. She's expressed that she felt like she was walking around with a helmet on during our marriage. She says she doesn't know how to interact with strangers or make friends. That's part of what she's enjoying and experiencing very differently now that we're separated. It's strange to hear her say this, because she's credited me in the past with teaching her how to talk to strangers and work crowds. (My career involves being able to interact with just about anyone you can imagine.) She is very successful in her career. During the last year, we've also worked actively to build a small friend base locally. (I realized I needed to get out more and be less isolated to help my depression, and we had both been hurting for social contact outside of employment.)
Author change Posted April 30, 2011 Author Posted April 30, 2011 Quote: Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers We are so drained, and so in pain and isolated that we'd do anything to fill the void. Especially if you have been refusing her sexually. I can pretty much tell you the deal there, she may be with someone, or she might just come close and then realize fairly quickly that it isn't working and isn't going to fill the void. Don't take it personally at all. That sounds entirely correct. She says she's doing it to work on her trust issues and setting boundaries, but now that I'm out of the picture entirely since we've formally started the separation, it seems like she IS dating to see if she can replace me. (She had previously said otherwise.) I know that she feels a void there and a lack of attractiveness. It does make sense that she would try to fill that. Quote: Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers She isn't in any kind of emotional position to properly date. The best she will have at this point is a rebound. This seems hopeful for reconciliation. She just keeps telling me how happy she is though. And she's so amazingly confident suddenly. (I really am happy that she has that back. And I'm overjoyed that she's happy. My feelings are obviously conflicted.) Our friends are even picking up on the change in her energy. She told me at one point that she'd already mourned the relationship and was ready to date because she was past it -- essentially that we are in different places in the process. This conflicts with the desire for marriage counseling up until 1.5 weeks ago, however, and other behaviors I've witnessed. On the other hand, I can't imagine that someone who cries and expresses any desire to come home -- or who wants to remain close friends -- has washed away feelings enough to start over fresh with someone else in a healthy way. I suppose that's what you're getting at here when you mentioned a rebound relationship? Sometimes I simply assume that the moment someone touches her in an affectionate way that she's attracted to, she'll never want to come back again. Quote: Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers I will tell you what: 2 years of looking at couples in love and holding hands made me feel like I was starving to death. I would have given anything to have those feelings. It didn't come. I got hit with more torpedoes and he just didn't give a ****. I think she feels that way, too. We still held hands. We still went on vacations. We still did couple things. I wish to God that I had been clearer on exactly how she was feeling. May my eyes and ears never be closed enough that I miss those signals ever again. Quote: Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers Then when he went to treatment, there is almost this sense of expectation that the whole world should be congratulating him and be on his side. In a sense, yes. But he hasn't validated a damn thing that I went through. He has conditioned for me two years to believe that I wasn't worth his time. That conditioning takes time to undo and it requires the spouse to do some heavy soul-searching. You just get worn-out from soul searching to deal with this stuff for so long. It just hurts to the point where you can't give a ****. Yes. And I probably cemented this idea in the beginning when I said that I couldn't believe that I could see the solutions to the problems just as the situation moved to a point of being "too little, too late." I've tried to validate her hurt and anger and pain. I clearly need to continue to do so. That soul-searching requires space and distance, I would think. But when you feel so unwanted for so long, I can't imagine that LC/NC is the way to go either, despite the suggestions on the boards. Wouldn't that further cement to you that your husband still didn't give a rat's ***? Or would you want that space from him? Quote: Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers Right now you are expecting a healthy response from her when she is still living out your unhealthy dynamic. You just haven't given her enough healthy to respond to yet. I thought about this just today. She's responding to the past and I'm expecting her to respond to the now/future. Obviously there's some major catching up that I need to give her time to do. I'm not sure how to show her the healthy when we have almost no contact. Quote: Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers As well with my H, I get apologies and "thanks for believing in me" but he does not believe in me. Now that he is getting all of his pieces in order, he isn't even acknowledging how shattered I am (and really he can't right now, he just isn't there yet). But it is still a piss off. I guess the short answer is: She resents you for taking so long. Why did she have to go through this for so long? She asked that exact question of me. I don't have a good answer. I certainly don't have a forgivable answer. I needed to hit rock bottom. I cared enough about her that losing her was rock bottom. She is deeply resentful and has no trust in my words for any reason. I asked her what it would take for her to trust me again, what the first things she would need to see would be; she answered that she didn't know. Quote: Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers And now that she has been through it and experiences having that source of pain out of her life for a bit, she can relax and enjoy herself. I find that I like my self time. If my stupid husband went to recovery earlier, I wouldn't have had my self time and we could have become more independent through recovery and counseling. But he chose otherwise and now I see my self-time as fun and him as a trigger to pain and misery and self-loathing. He should have been smart enough to pick growing together through this. But he had to have it all his way. Your sentiments about things being his way mirror my wife's exactly. I suppose this is the explanation I was looking for in her extreme happiness coupled with confusion about what the future holds for us. I want to assist with the process of uncoupling ME from her feeling pain and self-loathing. I don't have a clue about how to do this. Do you know what you'd need from your husband to do this? Is this another space and time issue? Given our limited contact within the terms of our separation, all I can think is to be happy and optimistic and confident whenever she sees or talks to me, even if I'm feeling the opposite at the time. Quote: Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers I didn't exist in this relationship for 2 years and now after hitting a rock bottom of epic preportions, he thinks "everything's gonna be okay?" I am not okay. I don't get a month-long paid vacation to the ocean. The only thing okay about it is that I get to pick what I want without being guilted or torpedoed or ignored all the bloody time. Don't think that I am targeting you my man, in fact I commend you. I don't think that at all. This is perhaps the most insightful response I've received to the situation from anyone, online or offline. I greatly appreciate the pain that you're dredging up in order to help me better understand my situation. And I'm incredibly sorry for your experiences that allow you to understand what my wife is similarly going through. This is all particularly helpful as I begin to experience anger that she holds all the cards, has cut off most of our communication, is dating other people, and has left me financially in the lurch. I have A LOT of people giving me feedback that I need to deliver an ultimatum that she stop seeing other people or I walk. It seems like an awful approach to me, given my understanding of how this all went so wrong, but I am feeling increasingly like her backup plan -- and given my prior history of relationships in which I was cheated on, it's started to be triggering. I'm doing my very best so far to say nothing, smile and let her do whatever she needs to do in order to heal. Quote: Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers There is also going to be a little part of her that just wants you to experience some of her suffering. Anger and resent have entered the building for now. She probably didn't know they were coming (I didn't). They tend not to call before they show up. This could explain why she told me that she had expected to want me to pursue her and win her back when she left. Then she felt the freedom and other unexpected emotions... and we're here now. Quote: Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers What you can do is go with a 180 and just keep changing and be positive. If she says back off, then back off. She will reach out eventually. I guarantee that she will reach out in that 3 months. My assumption up until the radio silence recently has been that we would work on a friendship and she would start to believe the changes in her heart -- and come around. Now I'm terrified that she won't contact me for the entire three months or that she'll enter into another relationship before she does so in order to insulate herself from me. Right now, after doing some pursuing which she gave positive feedback to, she's asked me to back off completely. I've complied. We went from talking regularly and MC to almost no contact at all over the last week. Quote: Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers Another major thing is that she is scared ****less to take another risk on you. Stay strong, build yourself up, lose the rigid thinking (depression) and keep to your changes. You have the advantage of a special history with her to keep you going. She told me that she wants to see who else is out there because it is less scary than being with me. She says that I'm too risky. She doesn't know if she's will to accept the risk again. I still can't believe how similar your sentiments are to hers. Then again, I suppose human behavior is all fairly predictable. I only wish we could use that predictability to avert pain and stop harming each other. Quote: Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers My H and I had a special history too. He was smart to send the package to remind me of it. It pierced a little hole in the wall. Little hole. I did that a week after she left. Now she's told me to back off, though, so I'm on the fence about continuing those small things. She told me not to do anything I wouldn't do for a friend. That leaves little latitude for romantic gestures. I don't know that this is relevant here, but we don't have children. I would never want to put a child in the middle of all of this; I only bring it up to say that when you're in your mid-twenties and you have no children, I wonder if the specialness of our relationship will be enough to bring her back to the table over someone new and exciting. Quote: Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers I used to hold that history up as a template for myself to keep myself inspired until I had to kick him out last time. My spouse would call this her process of "forcing herself to lose hope in change" and to lose attraction to me so she'd stop feeling rejected. Quote: Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers The hurt he caused me that night alone pushed me to a completely different place. It was past the sobbing and breaking down. It threw walls up and hardened my heart. I feel blank alot of times and can't often make sense of what I feel anymore. I know that EMDR therapy will help though. Sorry, rambling.... Willing to chat much more on this and give you pointers. Not rambling in the slightest. I hope my responses back were not either. You aren't by any chance also the product of an alcoholic family or a family with addiction problems? My spouse has had damaging interactions with addicts in the past within family. I don't know why that piece seems to matter to me right now, but it came to mind as another element of the puzzle (hence my curiosity). I... There were very, very understandable reasons for my depression that she was fully aware of and that I fully disclosed. I never could have imagined and didn't see the horrific effect it was having on her. I don't know how or when I'll ever forgive myself. I wonder how she will, either. Any pointers, any signposts, any guidance, anything at all is incredibly helpful, DOT. I've been riding blind. My IC says that the "writing is on the wall" and I should insulate myself from her. I disagreed heartily with him. My family says the same thing. Our friends seem to think I should move on. No one seems ok with me accepting more responsibility in the situation than 50/50, except for my wife (and myself). And I can't talk to her family anymore because she has requested that I not contact them for now. (We have a good relationship.) No one seems to get why I'm trying to ride this out. And no one seems to share my hope that she may yet decide to come home. I've been flayed by family for giving her back the house this month and moving out. But I don't feel like addiction/depression/abandonment issues are the typical ones that lead to divorce. Typical actions advised in other divorce situations don't seem geared to this. I'll stop rambling. Again, thank you. I'm looking forward to any other information or insight you're willing to offer. And I hope most sincerely that you reach a point of healing yourself. Your husband doesn't deserve you, just as I don't deserve my wife.
Author change Posted April 30, 2011 Author Posted April 30, 2011 A couple more thoughts from me now that the light of morning has hit. It sounds like you're saying that she truly might come back and that I should let her date other people -- and stay out of her way while she tries to heal until she comes looking for me. With all I've put her through and her current distance, I find myself increasingly wondering why she'd come back. She's successful, strong, beautiful, independent and stubborn. Once I've fully worked through my issues, I know that I will be TOTALLY worth coming back to. But we have no children and we're both in our mid-twenties. There was a catalyst to the situation: I left town for a week for a family funeral and just before that, I had surgery. I think the caretaking stress of both of those situations on her, coupled with our marital issues, was just too much. After making the decision, she took a month to carry it through. I don't know what I'm saying or where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just shocked that given the last week of emotional distance, along with the coldness and dating other people... I'm shocked that she might come back. Although I guess she's not fully decided either, hence her proposal that we wait three months to make a decision. She moves back into our house in a week, when I move out. I've gone through the whole house and gotten rid of all the crap I've been holding onto in some inane effort to control my downward spiral. I've cleaned. I've organized. It's partially because I needed to do it for me. It's partially because I needed to do it for us. I don't know how else to show her that I HATE who I was and I'm becoming a totally different person.
Yasuandio Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Change, so happy found DOT! Dot, it is just driving me crazy! I have looked and looked and looked. There is an extended convo where you explain in great detail the dynamics of abandonment -- then you connect the abondonment issue to the fight/flight syndrome. I read it last week. Do you remember it? I'm sure it was your writing style and signature. I know change would like to read that! Thanx, Yas
PollyIvy Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Raise my hand. I've been abandoned. I posted about it in your other thread before I saw this one . My loving husband is gone. He hates me and we are splitting up. But I DON'T KNOW WHY. It's been a total, complete, and utter mind-f**k.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Oh jeez I am sure it is up in one of a small cluster of threads. I feel kinda bad because I cannot dive through everything super-quick right now. 1. Very sick today, head pounding so hard that I think one of my neurons built a disco behind my eyes. 2. Keyboard Bandit (little daughter) snagged about 11 more keys today! Luckily only about six were useful. 3. Have stuff to do including chase after Keyboard Bandit. 4. Didn't take a dexedrine today because they dehydrate and that makes it harder to evict the Disco patrons. :sick:
dreamingoftigers Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Oh jeez I am sure it is up in one of a small cluster of threads. I feel kinda bad because I cannot dive through everything super-quick right now. 1. Very sick today, head pounding so hard that I think one of my neurons built a disco behind my eyes. 2. Keyboard Bandit (little daughter) snagged about 11 more keys today! Luckily only about six were useful. 3. Have stuff to do including chase after Keyboard Bandit. 4. Didn't take a dexedrine today because they dehydrate and that makes it harder to evict the Disco patrons. :sick: think it might be in the rant/vulgarity thread or in Craig's thread. Proobably in Craig's cause of his wife.
Yasuandio Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 That narrows it down to Craig - cause I didn't read other. Ok Change, while DOT is recovering from this illness, let's search Craig "Is there Hope."" What dot was writing about as I recall now, was "gee Craig, a week ago you would have given your left arm to have her back.". This may have been about 1.5 weeks ago. Since the last couple days, Craig and W reconciled. However, something caused me to want to re-read his thread, I found out whatever interested me by page 11. So here's what to do. Either seach Dots or Craigs until you find it. I have a feeling it was the last week and a half on Craig. Good luck. I will try also when I get a chance. Thanks for responding DOT, Get Well Soon! Yas
Yasuandio Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 CHANGE! I FOUND IT! It was when I was re-reading Craig's post. After you look at the citations, you may want to read the story to analyze the behavior. Thread: Is There Hope? Craig... Page 9-10 (and everything around that area). Citation #114 (dot) Citation #117 (trippi) Citation #129 (dot) I am so sorry my memory is totally fried due to numerous medications. But we got it now! The new Ridalin is helping me focus! I was determined Change! Let me know what you think of the material. Yas
Yasuandio Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Found something else. Somewhere I advised you to define "healing separation." sorry, don't recall when or why (bad memory, medications, so sorry, but Im pretty sure it was you, Change). I just found Healing Separation it defined, of course, DOT was the provider of info, see: Thread: My wife is no longer in love with me. (Jstobo) Page 7, Citation #96. It's an outstanding link. I hope this research makes up for my bad habit of tactlessness! I always have good faith no matter the style utilized in presentation of ideas. Hope this helps, Yas
Author change Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Oh jeez I am sure it is up in one of a small cluster of threads. I feel kinda bad because I cannot dive through everything super-quick right now. 1. Very sick today, head pounding so hard that I think one of my neurons built a disco behind my eyes. 2. Keyboard Bandit (little daughter) snagged about 11 more keys today! Luckily only about six were useful. 3. Have stuff to do including chase after Keyboard Bandit. 4. Didn't take a dexedrine today because they dehydrate and that makes it harder to evict the Disco patrons. :sick: I hope you're feeling better soon!
Author change Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 CHANGE! I FOUND IT! It was when I was re-reading Craig's post. After you look at the citations, you may want to read the story to analyze the behavior. Thread: Is There Hope? Craig... Page 9-10 (and everything around that area). Citation #114 (dot) Citation #117 (trippi) Citation #129 (dot) I am so sorry my memory is totally fried due to numerous medications. But we got it now! The new Ridalin is helping me focus! I was determined Change! Let me know what you think of the material. Yas Thank you, Yas. I read it last night and reread it this morning. The parts that seem most important in my head at this time are about being "trapped" by your spouse. I have a strong feeling that my pursuit and the contact that we had all last month went WAY TOO FAST and that she felt like I was trapping her back in the relationship. I'm assuming that this is what led to her breaking down and crying with her IC and saying that she didn't want the relationship -- and how we've gotten into this trial separation and NC zone. This was also salient: There is something going on in her head that makes her feel rejected or pressured and she can't enter back into the marriage like that. She needs to be accountable for her choices but by pressuring her in the slightest way, that will influence her choices. I cannot say this enough: do not ask or talk about the relationship. Stick to the 180 last resort. I seem to have really screwed up here by engaging in so many long conversations about the marriage. I thought we were both on board with the conversations. I think she thought she was on board, until suddenly she realized that it was too much pressure. So... I don't know how to turn things around now. We aren't talking anymore except for financial/business matters. She needs distance from me, so I'm NC unless I have to talk about bills or the house transfer. She's going to let me know when she doesn't need distance anymore. I have no clue when that's going to be or what she's doing or thinking. It's positively killing me. I'm assuming the advice I'm going to get is that I have to wait for her to come around? And that she will, eventually, come around? We'll see each other in person very briefly for the house transfer next weekend. Also, her actions were very mixed over the last month. She admitted that last time we DID talk, and she admitted to being confused about what she wants -- hence the separation and the three month deadline. But I can't get the cruel things she's said out of my head this week. "I don't miss you." "I'm not lonely." "I'm happy." "I'm not attracted to you." "When you look at me that way, it makes me uncomfortable. If you just started dating someone and they looked at you with that kind of love, it would make you concerned." She's "not dating to replace me," and she needs to work on being "casual" and having "short term relationships." But she's dating because she has "already mourned the marriage" and we're in "different places"? Yet, this has been like her husband "coming back from the dead." And she is afraid things won't be different, and that if she comes back and they haven't changed, that she won't have the strength to leave again. She hugs me and touches my hands sometimes in moments of comfort during conversations where she forgets. She calls me pet names accidentally. I'm so lost. I only feel this lost, I've found, when she goes totally incommunicado. That coupled with her thanking me for giving her space and freedom -- and telling me she's been deliriously happy -- has really screwed with my head. I don't want to believe that this is a lost cause, because if SHE were sure that it was, she'd tell me. But I don't know where the balance of the situation lies after this last week. A week ago, I would have told you that we were on the right track. I don't know how to keep my head in the game; sometimes, I don't know if I should, or if I'm just deluding myself. The urge to drive over the where she's staying last night was almost uncontrollable. As is the urge to call her and tell her I love her and beg her to come back home. If she has a shred of hope in us working, I can't see why you wouldn't try. I know her answer would have something to do with not knowing if she wants to try. And that she needs to experience being alone and being single, and that if we did get back together, she doesn't want to feel this way in ten years. She needs to do it now. Typing, typing, typing.
Author change Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Found something else. Somewhere I advised you to define "healing separation." sorry, don't recall when or why (bad memory, medications, so sorry, but Im pretty sure it was you, Change). I just found Healing Separation it defined, of course, DOT was the provider of info, see: Thread: My wife is no longer in love with me. (Jstobo) Page 7, Citation #96. It's an outstanding link. I hope this research makes up for my bad habit of tactlessness! I always have good faith no matter the style utilized in presentation of ideas. Hope this helps, Yas No need to apologize again, Yas. We're all under a lot of stress. And the research does help. Anything helps. The Healing Separation link is great. I only wish I'd seen it a week or two ago. The fundamental flaw right now is that we have NO ESTABLISHED METHOD OF COMMUNICATING. This is something she set up that I was very against. We've cut communication back to the degree that she's asked me to call or email only, no texting. The reason given was that she had trouble ignoring my texts and that if she wanted to be in a place where she wasn't contacting me, she felt like she couldn't do it. (She also said that I'd given her all the space she'd asked for, so it wasn't like I was texting her constantly every day.) Now opening communication back up at all is totally in her hands. She doesn't seem outwardly this week to be one bit curious about what I'm up to. I've stopped posting status updates to Facebook, because I want her to have to come to me if she wants to know what's happening in my life. We're also not "talking about us" anymore. She knows exactly where I'm at and what I think about the situation. I have no idea what she's thinking anymore -- and I'm not allowed to ask, because it's pressuring her. She's overjoyed that I've taken the pressure off and brought her "out of limbo." How is a separation in which you're deciding whether to stay married or not NOT limbo? It's like she's using the separation as a way to take a vacation from thinking about it and a vacation from me. Sometimes I think that she's trying to meet someone else to see if she can be happy with someone else. I also wonder if she's taking space to see how we both develop as people outside the relationship -- and then as the months progress, she'll reevaluate if she wants to be married anymore and if I'm still the kind of person that she wants.
Author change Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 I'm just vomiting all over LS this morning. The only insight I've gotten into her state of mind since we talked on Monday (the "thank you for taking the pressure off and giving me space to be happy and decide what I need" talk) and Wednesday (the "I don't want to make those financial decisions for three months" talk): One of the most difficult and rewarding challenges so far has been living my life for myself instead of for others. I'm so incredibly happy. (Paraphrased to avoid easy Googling.) This was via a public posting online, not a text to me. I need guidance, and I have no where to turn except for LS.
Yasuandio Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Take it one thing at a time. The most critical item on the agengda is getting a definition of healing separation out there that you both can live with. Again, if you misunderstood the agreement, you must state this to her. State that you are not in agreement with: 1) 2) 3) Therefore, the agreement needs to be re-negotiated according to what a "Healing Separation" really is. You can put the link in the same public place. You have to do something about this. No other topic. Define the reason for Healing Separation, and terms. (I don't know why homes are involved here -- something is wrong. You should not be making any major financial decisions while you have this illness.).
Author change Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Take it one thing at a time. The most critical item on the agengda is getting a definition of healing separation out there that you both can live with. Again, if you misunderstood the agreement, you must state this to her. State that you are not in agreement with: 1) 2) 3) Therefore, the agreement needs to be re-negotiated according to what a "Healing Separation" really is. You can put the link in the same public place. You have to do something about this. No other topic. Define the reason for Healing Separation, and terms. (I don't know why homes are involved here -- something is wrong. You should not be making any major financial decisions while you have this illness.). I feel strongly that I'm not in a position to renegotiate right now. I'm trying to see what next week, and moving day next weekend, brings. Hopefully, we'll talk a little before then. I'm still feeling the new situation out, because I didn't expect almost complete radio silence once the separation was started. You said something is wrong -- what do you mean? Are you talking about my moving out into a rented room someplace? She's been living with a friend in a spare room all month. She offered to move to a furnished apartment, but I told her that our house was suffocating me -- and offered to move myself. Does that clarify anything?
Yasuandio Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Most people would agree that "dating others" is contra-indicated if you care about your marriage. Bravo, Change!:bunny::bunny:
Author change Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Most people would agree that "dating others" is contra-indicated if you care about your marriage. Bravo, Change!:bunny::bunny: Bravo for realizing that? I fully agree with you. But I'm not sure that I'm willing to lay down that line with her yet. The following is my reasoning: Quite frankly, I don't think my wife is sure she cares about our marriage. She's not willing to let it go yet. She's also not willing to work on it. And at this point in time, I must be honest with myself. I've been a crappy, crappy spouse for a number of years now. I really have. Not abusive, not horrible. Just not good. I don't want to go back to the marriage that we had. Now that I'm coming out of my depressive mind, possibly for the first time in my life, I don't want to come back to the person I was. I couldn't let my wife come back to that person either. I care too much about her happiness. My prayer is that the kernel of love and care that is still within my wife's heart for me -- because I don't think that love ever fully dies and I think that's part of her confusion and this bizarre separation agreement -- can allow her to look at the person I'm becoming and want to have that person in her life. And allow her to forgive me and release the anger/resentment she has. In that sense, as much as I would like to be married again to her at this very moment, I think the only way forward is to date either other and see how it goes without full commitment that we will ever be married again. I'm becoming a very different person. A person she only partially knows. And we must get to know one another after this growth period all over again. I don't think we'll suddenly no longer be compatible. I haven't changed in those ways, and I don't think she has either. But the new experiences we're going through are making us different people than we were a month ago. And the medications I'm on and treatment I'm undergoing is changing how I interact with my surroundings completely (in a good way). That's going to make the second time around, and I pray there is a second time around, quite different for both of us. Does that make sense to you, Yas?
Yasuandio Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 (edited) Yes, it sounds very nice. But as a veteran medication consumer, I can tell you that la-la land wears off, higher dosages run their limits, some things stop working, and eventually combinations of things have to be explored. I sure hope whatever you got keeps working for you Change. The test, I found, that the medication was working was when, suddenly, I heard birds chirping, and I could actually smell the rain. That wonderful feeling lasted only about 6 months, sad to say. I certainly pray you do better! Yas PS. I will be more specifically responsive to your questions herein tomorrow. Edited May 3, 2011 by Yasuandio
dreamingoftigers Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Hopefully I will be up and running in the next 48 as well. I just had a session of EMDR today and that makes me bounce all over a bit too.
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