Engaged, fiance had online affair for years....what do I do?

[pisces226]

I came home from a business trip about 1 month ago and had a facebook message from another man titled "your fiance having cyper sex with my wife". My fiance had had about a 5-hour long cyber sex session the 1 night I was gone on my trip. We live together and I immediately confronted him, he lied, then I said I had proof and he confessed. Come to find out, after much questioning/lying, he had been talking to her since before we started dating over 3 years ago. They have never met in person and it's been all online chatting. They had contact about every 3-4 months while we were dating, talking about personal things (relationship advice, etc) along with heavy cyber-sex. She lives fairly close to us (within 2 hours) but they had never met. My fiance says he has no feelings for her and never planned on meeting her. It was basically "interactive porn" to him and that there is nothing wrong in our relationship. I ended up finding some emails she had sent him that he hadn't responded to. These included some risqué pictures, birthday e-cards, and even an email talking about meeting in their next life. He said he would have conversations with her about timing and that they wish they could have met but that the time was never right.

 

ALL of this is COMPLETELY out of my fiances character, or what I thought was his character. It is still a complete shock. We had our wedding planned for September and I have called that off. We told everyone it is because of financial issues because I don't want to deal with everyone's feelings, questioning, etc. I had always told my fiance that I would NEVER tolerate any form of cheating and that I'd leave him without question. Why, oh why then am I still here and toying with forgiveness? He has expressed his devotion to me and is willing to do anything I ask (counseling, giving up his computer, changing his email). He said he always knew this was a problem and he wanted to try and solve it himself, but he realizes he needs help. he does have a past of online chatting prior to us dating. As far as he says and as far as I know, this has been his only contact of this sort since we've been together. I still feel like I am in love with him, but is this just the "honeymoon" phase after cheating, and will reality set it?

 

Please help!! This is quite the complicated situation and I am having a hard time dealing with this so privately. Only my immediate family knows about this, so I've had to but on a fake face for everyone else.

[OldOnTheInside]

Be thankful that you found out about this facet of his personality before you settled down and had some kids.

 

Some people will change for the better through hard work, most people won't. Ask yourself this: are you willing to find out whether he is the latter or the former?

[Rinnix]

If you are willing to stay and move through this, he needs to be 100% honest and open. He needs to be understanding. He also should attend counselling with you. He must end contact with the ow, and all his info needs to be shared with you.

 

If he refuses any of the above and is defensive I wouldn't reconcile.

 

What you choose to do in the end is your call.

 

Can you forgive his cheating? Will you be able to look at him the same? Are you 100% certain this won't happen again? Is he showing true remorse?

Will you be able to move on within the relationship?

 

If the answer is no to any of the above then I would reconsider reconciling until you have all the answers you need.

 

I would move on, balls in your court. Best of luck.

[Kelemort]

What's so frightening here is that she's within a two hour drive. Not close enough for very regular meet-ups, but once a week or so if it was wanted. If she were much further away, I'd probably agree with, "Ah, it's just a long-distance cybering thing."

 

But the fact is they shared intimate details about their lives and apparently developed a connection with each other - this is emotional infidelity. It's a little hard just to have "interactive porn" when the other person isn't just a sex object, but someone who has divulged to you and someone with whom you've divulged information.

 

I think that you were right to call off this wedding. It's possible with all of his assertions that he's willing to make this work, but that transparency is going to have to continue for a while. If he starts going to therapy with you, excellent. I am sorry that you are hurting like this and that he has done this to you.

 

The reality is...this broken trust he has presented may follow you for the rest of your relationship. For years. Or, you may be able to put it into the past at some point and move on happily. I'm conflicted on what I would do if I were you - if I would stay and bother to work on it or if I would chalk it up to a lost cause.

 

I guess work at it a little while..if he sticks to his guns and shows signs he's willing to change, it looks promising.

[jnj express]

Your x/fiance, was never gonna tell you---no matter how much drivel he threw at you, about how he knew he needed help

 

The only way you found out was from the other betrayed spouse

 

Also your x/fiance has the title of homewrecker---did that other family have kids---Your whatever you wanna call him is basically a POS, and you know it---why would you wanna marry him, much less stay with him

 

Things happen for a reason---consider yourself very lucky you found out before you became leagally tied to this guy---just walk away---there are many, many other guys out there who won't do this---and you do not need to lead a miserable life, cuz your POS x/fiance has no morals, nor control of himself

[DollyGirl12]

I've read all the posts and I can see the different perspectives. Yes, there are those that can and do change when confronted with a major loss. In most cases that would take extremely hard and long work.

My concern is that he has been doing it for a very long time, behind your back. Was he dong anything else? And since he knows he has a problem, didn't want to tell you, and has been trying to work on it on his own, what has he actually been doing to work on it on his own? I would wager probably nothing. I'm not trying to come off as being hard on you, but I'm sure you understand where I'm coming from. What I've found is that disclosure, when confronted with a wrong doing, is usually left at absolute minimal.

My ex bf was also playing around on the internet. After I accidentally found emails he sent to personals on craigslist, I confronted him and he lied (never did admit it). What I ended up finding afterwards just made me sick. And he was one that in a million years I would have never guessed. I can't lump him in with many of the circumstances on here, as I would call him much more extreme than most. But, again, never would have guessed.

 

Something that rings true:

"Your character is what you do when you think nobody is watching". Can't remember where I heard that but it rings so true.