emeraldcity82 Posted April 9, 2004 Posted April 9, 2004 The entire time I was with my boyfriend I NEVER dreamt that one day we would no longer be together. About 9 months ago, he left me claiming he had fallen out of love with me, and that he just wanted to be by himself. It hurt so much. Not only was he my first boyfriend, my first love and my first everything - I just thought it was never going to end. Looking back now though, there are a few problems that come to light. THe relationship seemed quite one sided. I was always "jotted" into his scedule, and for the most part he was too busy to see me. We lived within 5 minutes of one another, but I was lucky to see him 2 times a week. Other things always took priority to seeing me, including study, his videogames and being by himself. It wasn't always that way. In the beginning, we would spend long hours together often until 3am in the morning. We were so caught up in each other we seemed to lose track of time. There was always plenty to be said. And we always had some interesting and unusual way to spend our time together. It seemed really special. He never knew it, but many times I would drop him off at home after a weekend, and just drive the whole way home in tears - knowing I wasn't going to see him for the week. Was I being too needy or insecure? The relationship continued like this, but he was my best friend, my everything and I was just so happy. THen one day out of the blue he sent me an email telling me that he wasn't happy with us any more. He had fallen out of love, the relationship was "too comfortable" and he felt no desire. He came over the next day just to talk about things, and I practically begged him to reconsider. Before he left, we shared "one last kiss". And ever since then I have been a wreck. It's been 9 months, and I am still stuck on it. Everytime I think I might be making progress I mentally scan back to that awful day and the last kiss I was to share with my soul mate before he moved on and found someone new! SInce we broke up I have kept in contact with a few mutual friends, and I ahve found out that he is happy and looking forward to having a new girlfriend. I have attempted on several occasions to be friends with him. During the first few months after the break up this backfired when he told me that he was reuniting with a long lost crush that he knew before me. The implications were obvious and I wondered why he was telling me because it hurt me so much. Contact was ceased from that point on for about 5 months up until a month ago when I tried again. He sent me an email back saying that he "wished he had dealt with things a bit differently" - and a week later I replied. But it has been nearly a month since then, and he has not replied since this. ANyway, I just thought I would share my story with some of you who have experienced this sort of thing. I just feel so stuck in this endless misery. How can I possibly feel better? Among other things I have been told that time heals all wounds - but what are you supposed to do when not even time seems to work?
emeraldcity82 Posted April 9, 2004 Posted April 9, 2004 We were together for a little over a year. Best friends for a year before.
BklynGuy Posted April 9, 2004 Posted April 9, 2004 Breaking up is hard to do. The end of a relationship is a traumatic experience...usually for all parties involved. Age and maturity make it somewhat easier to deal with, but it is still hard. He was your first everything, so that will make it that much harder to accept and get over. After my first break up, I didn't have another GF for 3 years. Take your time, ACCEPT the fact it's over and you will move on. There are things you have learned from this relationship which you will not put up with in your next relationship. The taking a backseat to other things is never a good sign. I was w/a girl for 4 years and the story was the same. Friends, family, errands, etc. all came before I did. I had to fight her for any time besides saturday nights. I will not accept this from another person. As for trying to get him back, stop this behavior at once. Pushing yourself on another usually makes that individual want to get further away from you. I tried this when my 1st gf and I broke up. She pushed me away even more when I forced myself upon her. After 3 rejections I gave up. She contacted me a while later to see how I was doing. My 2nd gf did the same thing, I left her alone & she checks in with me every now & then. The feelings you have are normal, and you will survive this stage of life. Work on yourself and try to move on. Relationships don't always turn out the way we would like them to...it is just a part of life that has to be accepted. Best of luck during these trying times.
emeraldcity82 Posted April 9, 2004 Posted April 9, 2004 Thanks for the advice. I wonder if maybe I am finding excuses to rehash the past by thinking about it, and trying to work it out. I doubt I will ever really understand why this happened, but can't stop myself from trying to. Maybe the best way forward is to force the thought patterns from me head. THe longer I keep thinking about this, the more the thoughts just take over my life.
BklynGuy Posted April 9, 2004 Posted April 9, 2004 Every relationship and situation changes you. When my last gf broke up with me I was devastated. "Where did we go wrong? What do I do now? Life is over." She was my world, my everything at that time. The word "Goodbye (her name)" kept playing in my mind, over & over & over. At first I couldn't understand. I worked my way backwards and began to put the pieces together. I understood when things began to go wrong, the signs I missed, the signs I saw but didn't acknowledge. She even said to me "What? You didn't see this coming?" I saw it coming from miles away yet ran from it. My advice is face it, acknowledge it, accept it, grieve for as long as you have to. Jumping into another relationship is not the best idea. You will work through it at your own pace. Just know you will be OK and move on eventually. I dated another girl briefly since the breakup, but realized another relationship is not what I'm looking for at this point. I don't think I'm completely over it. I don't think of her all the time, but it's still with me somewhat. All in all, I'm a better, smarter person because of the experience. I have learned what does and does not work for me. What I will and will not put up with in a relationship. Qualities I'm looking for and what I don't want in a partner. You have done the same. Good luck.
bittersweet Posted April 9, 2004 Posted April 9, 2004 Your story seems like mine, except my boyfriend cheated on me. we were together 6 years and he was cheating the last few months. THEN, he told me that he fell out of love with me. THEN he told me he wasn't happy. At least your ex didn't put you through total humiliation and betrayal. I use to be the same way. I would revolve my life @ him and it began to feel like I was just an obligation. He said I was too predictable! Ha! What does he expect from a girl he was with for so many years. I would cry too when we left each other. He probably never missed me. People tell me that I need to keep thinking bad, bad, bad. I try hard to think of all the fights, all the heartache and all the times I sat in his bathroom and cried about how he made me feel at times. My x is still in contact with the girl he cheated on me with. He tells me it's only b/c he knows he did too much damage to our relationship and feels he can't ever make it up. F-him! I guess I give you this advice b/c I understand how you feel. I'll tell you what I would want someone to tell me- "it WIll get easier... Time will heal the wounds." It sounds ridiculous right now. Your a few months ahead of me and it scares me to hear that it is still this hard after all this time. You must of really loved him- you might love him for a long time- forever... but don't you want a guy to feel that way about you some day? Every phone call opens up the book again ESPECIALLY when you get the last word and they don't answer. Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm waiting to hear. You probably need to let go- close the door completely. Put some fire under your a** and control your expectations. I need to do this too. It is easier to walk away and let go when you feel like YOU don't want to be with them. It is too much to take in when someone leaves b/c they fell out of love. I learned in college that "shame" is the most painful emotion. It is- now I know. If he EVER calls again- tell him, "thank you for leaving me. " Make him feel like you are over him. Don't give him the idea that you'll wait forever to see if he'll come back. When the time is right, you will find yourself starting over with someone else (as scary a sit seems) and both you and I will one day thank them and "mean it!"
emeraldcity Posted April 10, 2004 Posted April 10, 2004 Sometimes, in the dark recesses of my mind, I think it might have been easier to deal with if he had cheated. It would have given me a reason to get angry. But then I guess you would have the issues related to picturing him with the other girl. As it is in my case, I just cannot feel angry about this. I feel sad, overwhelmed, depressed, but I just can't get angry and get over it. I went through a small period of time feeling murderously angry, but it disappeared because I felt guilty thinking about my ex that way - I guess I still love him and it just doesn't feel right to think horrible things about him. I really don't know why I am not over this. I've lost so many friends because I can't stop talking about him and analysing what happened between us. I feel permanently sad, and I don't want to be this way. I dont want to be carrying around this permanent emotional baggage! Things have not exactly been helping me to get over this. He broke up with me just as I finished uni for a year and had nothing to do. I had no job, and mostly just sat around the house feeling sorry for myself. Since all of my friends are currently in relationships, I can't go out without it turning into a full on "smug couple" fest. I TRY to be positive, and I am trying to move on - but my current situation makes it difficult. All I can keep thinking is the wonderful life that he is leading and how much I wish I were a part of it. Life just no longer brings any pleasure.
emeraldcity Posted April 10, 2004 Posted April 10, 2004 I never really knew I was such a sensitive person until this happened. My ex had no idea either. When he broke up with me, I went nuts. I couldn't stop sobbing and was scared and shaking and just a complete mess. He told me later that for that reason he had avoided me afterwards - he didn't think I would react so badly. That just shattered me. He actually told me that he had to be selfish and think of himself, and he just had to get away from me.
BlueBlack Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Be strong, emerald... I got jilted by my ex 9 months ago too. She also told me that she has no love for me anymore after being together for 4 years. I begged her to take me back, to give me a second chance but that only made her feel great about leaving me. I just found out recently she has a new bf and that hurts like hell. But then I realised that she has moved on. I should move on too. Recently I met this "wonderful" girl and I thought 2 of us may just work out. In the end, she slept with my best friend while I was busy with my work which requires overseas attachment.Then I felt that everyone is out to hurt me and out to betray me. It still hurts me to think of the what has happened but then life still goes on. I hope that may apply to you too. Think of it this way, we are already at the worst stage of life, what can be worse? We should pick ourselves up. Like you, I have only a few friends (in fact only 3 and they are all busy with their lives) and lots of free time now and spending these free time alone is an agony because memories keep coming back. Occupy yourself with activities. Over the last month, I went for whatever volunteer work that I could grab. Instead of crying and sulking at home, we can use these time to help the others that are less fortunate than us, At least they are doing me a favor by distracting me away from the emotional pain. Pardon me for my poor English but I really wish you all the best. I understand the great pain that you are going through but nobody can help you unless you decide to walk out of the pain yourself. We have tried our best in saving our relationships but things are simply not going according to what we hoped. They do not deserve our love and we definitely deserve somebody who is much better and appreciative of us. Do take care, emerald.
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