If she likes me so much why doesnt she commit?

[qwarentine]

Hello everyone,

 

This is going to be a long story. I met a girl online 2 months ago and we got along very well. I talked to her on phone and we had so much in common like we both come from same home country (we are working in different cities now), we both work in same industry, our hobbies are mostly the same. I decided to take the risk and go visit her and we had an amazing time. She was everything I was looking for smart, intelligent, beautiful, witty and a born leader. She is 24 and was never in a relationship before and she got into the whole online dating thing just to get married. We kept talking even more after out first date and it became obvious she was interested in me. We talked a lot about our future plans where we see ourself in our career and many other important details like family, children etc. I met her again 3 weeks later and this time we had better time than last time. I even held her hand during this date. We have been talking continously on phone after our second date like we were in a relationship. She would call me whenever she used to find free time at work. She calls me in the morning after waking up and talks to me almost all night long before falling asleep. There were many occasions where we both fell asleep talking on phone without hanging up She says she misses me and likes me like 100 times everyday. She gets very jealous when I am hanging out with my friends.

 

This has been happening for 3 weeks now. I made my feelings clear by telling her i love her and would like her to be my girl friend but she said she needed more time. One day i was not able to talk to her and next day she started crying saying she missed me a lot and wanted to see me. She also said she was very attached to me and cant handle herself not seeing me or talking to me. I told her that there is nothing to worry about and I still love her and wanted her to be my girlfriend. But again she said she needed more time to get clarity. This is confusing to me because its obvious she likes me and has such strong intense feelings for me but when it comes to commitment she sounds so scared of it.

 

Can someone tell me how to handle this situation? What is it holding her back? Do i need to give her more time? Is it her lack of experience in relationships holding her back or is there anything else I am missing out here or I am doing wrong.

 

Please suggest

[sugarmomma]

Just be patient and let her know that she can take all the time she needs and that you're there for her. She's probably overwhelmed by her feelings and just trying to sort it all out. You guys do seem to be going kinda fast (really attached emotionally quick) and its long distance which can be really tough.

 

Slow it down a bit.

[betterdeal]

Ask yourself, and her, what is it that will change if you call yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend? I suspect nothing, materially. It's just a label. A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.

 

Try and get some perspective. You enjoy each other's company (albeit by phone) and that's what matters. If either of you feels it's going too fast, or you're devoting too much of your feelings or time to each other, discuss it with each other. Most people get the most out of a relationship if it's not the be all and end all of their life. So maintain or develop the other things you enjoy in life, such as work, hobbies, health, social lives etc.

 

Equally, you may both want to spend more face-time together, so discuss a regular get together. Could be once a month / fortnight / week depending on what you both agree. That way you may be able to deal with the sense of longing by knowing you'll be with each other on a regular basis.

Edited April 30, 2011 by betterdeal

[VicJay79]

Dear Qwarentine,

 

You told her you loved her within 3 weeks of knowing her. Thats impressive and I am wondering about your cultural background. The reason I say this is because at least traditional South East Asians often view dating with the purpose of marriage. This also might explain expectations or lack thereof by both sides.

 

Back to your question. I am in the exact same position, and the only thing to do is to just wait for her to develop the feelings for you. This will require a lot of patience, and if you figure out how to have this patience let me know ;-)

 

 

 

 

 

Hello everyone,

 

This is going to be a long story. I met a girl online 2 months ago and we got along very well. I talked to her on phone and we had so much in common like we both come from same home country (we are working in different cities now), we both work in same industry, our hobbies are mostly the same. I decided to take the risk and go visit her and we had an amazing time. She was everything I was looking for smart, intelligent, beautiful, witty and a born leader. She is 24 and was never in a relationship before and she got into the whole online dating thing just to get married. We kept talking even more after out first date and it became obvious she was interested in me. We talked a lot about our future plans where we see ourself in our career and many other important details like family, children etc. I met her again 3 weeks later and this time we had better time than last time. I even held her hand during this date. We have been talking continously on phone after our second date like we were in a relationship. She would call me whenever she used to find free time at work. She calls me in the morning after waking up and talks to me almost all night long before falling asleep. There were many occasions where we both fell asleep talking on phone without hanging up She says she misses me and likes me like 100 times everyday. She gets very jealous when I am hanging out with my friends.

 

This has been happening for 3 weeks now. I made my feelings clear by telling her i love her and would like her to be my girl friend but she said she needed more time. One day i was not able to talk to her and next day she started crying saying she missed me a lot and wanted to see me. She also said she was very attached to me and cant handle herself not seeing me or talking to me. I told her that there is nothing to worry about and I still love her and wanted her to be my girlfriend. But again she said she needed more time to get clarity. This is confusing to me because its obvious she likes me and has such strong intense feelings for me but when it comes to commitment she sounds so scared of it.

 

Can someone tell me how to handle this situation? What is it holding her back? Do i need to give her more time? Is it her lack of experience in relationships holding her back or is there anything else I am missing out here or I am doing wrong.

 

Please suggest

[tyciol]

Commitment's not for everyone, and some people don't like classifications like 'girl friend' and what not. She wants to spend time with you, and you seem to want to as well, so I'd enjoy that for what it is.

[VicJay79]

Commitment's not for everyone, and some people don't like classifications like 'girl friend' and what not. She wants to spend time with you, and you seem to want to as well, so I'd enjoy that for what it is.

 

 

This is an interesting point. A title is a bit more then just a classification it represents a verbal and implied promise that is being made to each other. It also baselines expectations. It makes sense for those that need rules pre-established to follow.