bentnotbroken Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 :lmao::lmao:If a trap is what the BS is setting, maybe she has been taking notes from him on how to slime somebody without there knowledge. Hope she is better at the game than he is. :lmao::lmao:
reboot Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Interesting how the OP seems to believe that the evil BS is doing something under handed by trying to keep her husband at home. How dare she after all.
BB07 Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Interesting how the OP seems to believe that the evil BS is doing something under handed by trying to keep her husband at home. How dare she after all. Well Jessica thinks the mm is being manipulated by his wife......maybe so, maybe not. I'd hedge a big bet that the mm is the one who is doing the majority of the manipulation here and it's certainly not in either woman's favor. ;)
ver13 Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 If I were in his shoes I would be doing the same thing if you let me. I mean I'm cheating on my wife who finds out and we both leave you hanging, she by telling you to move on and me by not leaving my W to be with you. Then I get this wonderful ideal after some B/S ultimation, I can still keep sleeping with the both of you since neither one has ever confronted me about my crap with all of us in the same room. Look I know that it is hard to leave but when you truly want to go nothing can stop you.
Anna101 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Thanks for your input:laugh: Funny how he asked me for a date/deadline by which he needs to have moved out. And also funny how he set up a new bank acct (I was there) in which to start putting money into separately to save for his new housing. Hmmmm. I don't want to be harsh, but neither of those things mean anything. My MM also asked me for a date/deadline, and it came and went. He also set up a bank account etc.. He did leave in the end, but two years AFTER these things! Honestly, none of it means anything until the DAY they actually walk out that door. Then the hard part starts.
pureinheart Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Hey Jessica, The best advice I could give you is to keep your heart light. This situation could go either way. There is much more money to be made in child care, she could be preparing to support herself, or it could be a way to remain dependant concerning certain aspects. It's easier said than done not to get caught up in what goes on with "them". I say until the D is final and there has been some time to clear his head, try to remain objective. If it does come to D for him, in some cases during the D everybody around them goes through hell and back...he may go through a lot of emotional turmoil that you may not understand. My suggestion would be to prepare yourself now so that you are not caught off guard. In these situations, that include newly divorcees, I recommend to stay/become detached as much as possible. The M and D is his to deal with...keep your boundries and whatever is meant to be, will be...because what's real can't die IMO. Good luck Jessica...and please, no matter what responses you get, keep posting...eat the chicken and spit out the bones! (((((((((((hugs)))))))))
Trimmer Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 This makes no sense to me. If he is planning to leave by a certain date, why is he just sitting back and letting his wife quit her job? Wouldn't this be an excellent time to tell that he is planning to leave, before she actually quits? What does your gut tell you about this? Will he leave her even if it means leaving her in a dire financial situation? If you think yes, he will leave, doesn't it bother you that he is going to silently let his wife do something that might hurt her even more in the long run because she doesn't know what is coming her way and he does? Good point. To expand on this, if he'd have left when he should have, she wouldn't have had the opportunity to "trap" him in the first place. She can't trap him unless he wants to be caught. I'm just echoing what other posters have said, but consider this: in your view, he is solidly planning to leave, getting his "ducks lined up", stashing away money, etc. Then his wife lets him know she's considering changing jobs. He has to consider the choice of whether to tell her or not. (1) Tell her he's leaving - it will have to be done eventually anyway, right? - and accelerate the process, but at least this gets him out of this putative "trap..." or (2) Don't tell her, and by his inaction, allow himself to get "trapped." In other words, he can choose to (1) leave, or (2) stay. Which has he chosen? Also, on one hand, he's such a good guy that he's worried about her financial state and he wouldn't leave if she changes jobs, yet he's willing to deceive her by "lining his ducks up" and socks money away secretly while he plans to leave???? These seem inconsistent.
robf1971 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 wife has decided she is going to quit her teaching job and start an in home daycare. Good for her lol
Mimolicious Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Lining up the ducks. And you are helping him. Marvelous! Such a charming and eloquent couple. Why are you participating in this scheme? Basically that is what it is. Why do you find it so sweet that this POS is not only cheating, but maliciously plotting how to leave his W in the dust and possibly broke, jobless and eventually homeless? Have you ever thought what is in store for you? You may be all glossy red lips now but eventually you will be playing the role his W does. This is boderline pathetic. Call his W already and tell her to stop making BULLSHYTE plans because you are still having an A with her H and he is planning on bouncing. THAT is a start... This person is about to make a life changing decision and you are sitting back waiting to see further destruction. Let me guess, you didn't marry her so you are not the one that is destroying anything. Kinda falls short... Do yourself a favor and expose this dude. He is nothing but a fake.
2sure Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I can understand any MM or MW wanting to "line up their ducks" prior to leaving a marriage - affair or not. But to "line up your ducks" for a divorce...a MM would not sit back and watch his wife quit her job and become his dependent - he would fight that decision with everything he had. Sounds like in this case, his wife is calling all the shots.
fascinated Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I'm new here, but isn't avoiding talking with his spouse part of the narcissistic personality? It sounds to me like she's clueless of the intentions he has relayed to you, and you may very well be clueless of the support for her decision that he's relayed to her. Nobody intentionally sets themselves up as dependant and vulnerable in order to trap another. I think he makes her feel as though she can do that because that's the type of person he enjoys.
Silly_Girl Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 ....this POS is not only cheating, but maliciously plotting how to leave his W in the dust and possibly broke, jobless and eventually homeless? Where do we intimate this from?
Mimolicious Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Where do we intimate this from? FML! I typed a very hilarious reply and it logged me off!!!!!!! Don't have the time to retype but I don't think I am making this MM out to be something that J232 hans't fully disclosed here. I wonder, how charming would it be if you (SG) were his W and your H was doing this to you? I think "POS" would fall short... (dayum! I wish my other reply didn't erase.)
Silly_Girl Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 FML! I typed a very hilarious reply and it logged me off!!!!!!! Don't have the time to retype but I don't think I am making this MM out to be something that J232 hans't fully disclosed here. I wonder, how charming would it be if you (SG) were his W and your H was doing this to you? I think "POS" would fall short... (dayum! I wish my other reply didn't erase.) You said broke, jobless, homeless... There's a lot of posters with multiple threads, or posting their story on other threads. Just thought I'd missed something big.
phillyfan Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 My drama is never ending. Found out today that my MM's wife has decided she is going to quit her teaching job and start an in home daycare. This decision has come about two months after finding out about us. For those who don't know, she thinks we're over, but we're not. My best friend says she is trying to "trap" him, knowing he will not leave her without a job, insurance, etc. I am just sick to my stomach, as he is on the verge of leaving, and this is just another stone in the road. It never occurred to me that this may be a way of "trapping" him, but my friend is pretty adamant. Anyone have any experience with similar situations?? Dude these are just normal things that happen day to day between husband and wife, how they choose 2 live theyre life. Theres nothin weird or strange about it - loadsa husbands support theyre wives its normal plus she sounds like shes plannin on makin money out of it anyways. plus the drama?-hell, u r makin that all by urself - how u can get drama out of the wifes career choices I dont know. Betta to get ur own drama goin on insted of lookin thru the window at someone elses life.
mitchell Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I hope she catches the two of you in bed with video evidence. If he is really leaving, go NC with him and wait until his divorce is final.
carrie999 Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Thanks for your input:laugh: Funny how he asked me for a date/deadline by which he needs to have moved out. And also funny how he set up a new bank acct (I was there) in which to start putting money into separately to save for his new housing. Hmmmm. So he's not moving out yet and hasn't left her, but he's intentionally attempting to hide assets from her? Sounds like a great guy. Seriously, if he's already caught, why doesn't he man up, take responsibility, and just move out and file for divorce? He married her and they are partners...the least he can do is own up to his share in that and split everything equally. He has a responsibility to her...he declared that when he married her. The least he can do is be honest now, and make sure he financially holds up his end of the bargain.
carrie999 Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Noooo, Jessica, it is so not true that to an MM [most MMs anyway] that moving out = divorce. This is the nubmer one thing I learned in my dealings with MMs & my reading here about other OWs & their MMs. Many many many MMs see 'moving out' as a 'trial separation' or a 'toe-dip' into seeing what being with OW would really be like. They very often go back home. Very rarely do they divorce especially when they are unsure like your MM in the first place & are trying to placate the wife & keep everything hush hush etc. I'm just saying protect yourself & please don't be naive like I was in thinking that because he moved out, the next step that is surely going to come is divorce. It doesn't work like that at all. Please don't ruin your own relationship [well, it sounds like it's already ruined] & life & base all your plans on MM moving out because honestly that means diddly squat in the grand scheme of things. All that means anything is a divorce decree & please believe me that that very rarely comes, & if it does, it is a long & hard journey to get there. I am not saying this to discourage you from being with your MM but so that you have a realistic picture of things & you're not played for a fool either intentionally or accidentally. Protect yourself first & foremost & don't base what you do on what he does. Get out of your relationship/ move out if you want to & on with another life but don't expect that him moving out means he is prepared to or able to get divorced. Good luck. It definitely does sound like a lot of drama. :-( My message to you is extremely heartfelt- I can see my own prior hopes & assumptions in your posts [yes I know it doesn't always turn out like it did in my case & I'm 'biased' based on my experiences but many many former OWs will tell you that it usually does work out like it did for me] & I am telling you that in reality it doesn't work that way, please take advantage of my own stupid mistakes & protect yourself. Perfectly put as usual, 26PB. My MM and I have been together nearly a year. In that time, I left my fiancé, and did so because it clearly wasn't the right relationship for us. Now I'm moving out and I'm single. MM is planning to leave his wife, but I won't believe it until he's divorced. He is very concerned about her emotional and financial well-being, and I expect this to take time. I respect that he is trying to minimize her pain, and needs to grieve this loss as well. I'd be running in the other direction if he wasn't. And even given that he's trying to do right by her (minus the obvious cheating issue...) I'm skeptical. And I (fortunately and unfortunately) have more of an insider's view into their relationship than most AP ever have, so I am witnessing the end of their marriage. I still won't believe that we have a real chance until they are living separately and have both signed the divorce papers. No matter how much insight you ever have, you can never be sure until the decisions are officially made. Protect yourself and your heart, as 26PB said.
26pointblue Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Perfectly put as usual, 26PB. My MM and I have been together nearly a year. In that time, I left my fiancé, and did so because it clearly wasn't the right relationship for us. Now I'm moving out and I'm single. MM is planning to leave his wife, but I won't believe it until he's divorced. He is very concerned about her emotional and financial well-being, and I expect this to take time. I respect that he is trying to minimize her pain, and needs to grieve this loss as well. I'd be running in the other direction if he wasn't. And even given that he's trying to do right by her (minus the obvious cheating issue...) I'm skeptical. And I (fortunately and unfortunately) have more of an insider's view into their relationship than most AP ever have, so I am witnessing the end of their marriage. I still won't believe that we have a real chance until they are living separately and have both signed the divorce papers. No matter how much insight you ever have, you can never be sure until the decisions are officially made. Protect yourself and your heart, as 26PB said. I'm glad that you broke up with your fiance & that you're doing the right thing for you & realizing that MM may not end up being able to leave his wife. This can be a really dramatic & emotionally draining cycle so I'm thinking that maybe once you are on your own you may realize it's easier/better to date a single guy or just be alone for awhile & figure out how all this happened & what you really want. I'm afraid you might have a lot of guilt for helping to betray your friend. I'm not trying to be harsh but just share my thoughts based on what I think about myself & my own situation, too. [i knew xMM's wife - we weren't 'friends' in that we never really got close/liked each other but we were acquaintances & part of a group that hung out for professional & social purposes & so she thought we just all hung out together & didn't expect me to be with her husband. So I do feel I betrayed her even though I had no marriage vows with her - I just feel it was the wrong thing for me as a woman to do to another woman, let alone one that I knew pretty well.] Anyway you sound clear-headed under the circumstances & I totally agree with the advice you're giving Jessica & it's good that you're not putting all your eggs in MM's basket. I think you are on the right path & feel that you are going to keep going in the right direction . . . I'm not saying that to be preachy but I can identify with some of what you're saying & I feel that you, like me, know somewhere inside that this isn't the best situation for you & you can do better & should do better but you need to be in it right now & haven't found your way out yet. I'm sorry if I'm taking too much liberty with my advice, & maybe I'm wrong because my head is just swirling all over the place right now. But those are my thoughts. Good luck & good luck to you too Jessica.
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