Jessica232 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 My drama is never ending. Found out today that my MM's wife has decided she is going to quit her teaching job and start an in home daycare. This decision has come about two months after finding out about us. For those who don't know, she thinks we're over, but we're not. My best friend says she is trying to "trap" him, knowing he will not leave her without a job, insurance, etc. I am just sick to my stomach, as he is on the verge of leaving, and this is just another stone in the road. It never occurred to me that this may be a way of "trapping" him, but my friend is pretty adamant. Anyone have any experience with similar situations??
whichwayisup Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 He isn't "on the verge of leaving" if he was, he wouldn't be still living there after D-Day. They would be separated by now and also, he wouldn't be hiding the fact you two are still having an affair. Sorry but I think your MM is a big liar and is manipulating both you and his wife..And sadly, you both are falling for it. His actions (still living at home, living life with his wife) show you that he isn't leaving. Fact that he still has you just shows he wants you both. To stay married and have an affair on the side. He could still easily leave if he wanted to..He'd just be paying abit more in spousal support, which chances are, he'd had to pay anyway, even if she was working out of the house.
Author Jessica232 Posted April 29, 2011 Author Posted April 29, 2011 He isn't "on the verge of leaving" if he was, he wouldn't be still living there after D-Day. They would be separated by now and also, he wouldn't be hiding the fact you two are still having an affair. Sorry but I think your MM is a big liar and is manipulating both you and his wife..And sadly, you both are falling for it. His actions (still living at home, living life with his wife) show you that he isn't leaving. Fact that he still has you just shows he wants you both. To stay married and have an affair on the side. He could still easily leave if he wanted to..He'd just be paying abit more in spousal support, which chances are, he'd had to pay anyway, even if she was working out of the house. Thanks for your input:laugh: Funny how he asked me for a date/deadline by which he needs to have moved out. And also funny how he set up a new bank acct (I was there) in which to start putting money into separately to save for his new housing. Hmmmm.
20Seconds Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 Thanks for your input:laugh: Funny how he asked me for a date/deadline by which he needs to have moved out. And also funny how he set up a new bank acct (I was there) in which to start putting money into separately to save for his new housing. Hmmmm. So why hasn;t he told her he's leaving?
bloppy Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 Maybe he should tell her he is planning on leaving before she quits her job. That way he wouldn't leave her without a job, insurance, etc. Has he thought of that?
jwi71 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 (edited) Thanks for your input:laugh: Funny how he asked me for a date/deadline by which he needs to have moved out. And also funny how he set up a new bank acct (I was there) in which to start putting money into separately to save for his new housing. Hmmmm. Why is it he wants a date to move out - not DIVORCE? And why does he NEED a deadline from you anyway? I'm willing to bet your state has a clause that allows for near immediate termination of a marriage when there is infidelity - or at least waives any separation periods...does it? I can't think of any state that won't grant a D based on an A - especially an active A. And why does the W think the A is over - if he is leaving why does he need to lie to her? Has he filed for D yet? Sorry, not seeing the entrapment angle. She CAN'T trap him into staying M. He can support her with alimony - does your state mandate alimony? Shoot...what does his lawyer say about the above? Because it sounds like he is lying to YOU. Edited April 29, 2011 by jwi71 grammar
Author Jessica232 Posted April 29, 2011 Author Posted April 29, 2011 So why hasn;t he told her he's leaving? Lining up the ducks.
Author Jessica232 Posted April 29, 2011 Author Posted April 29, 2011 Why is it he wants a date to move out - not DIVORCE? And why does he NEED a deadline from you anyway? I'm willing to bet your state has a clause that allows for near immediate termination of a marriage when there is infidelity - or at least waives any separation periods...does it? I can't think of any state that won't grant a D based on an A - especially an active A. And why does the W think the A is over - if he is leaving why does he need to lie to her? Has he filed for D yet? Sorry, not seeing the entrapment angle. She CAN'T trap him into staying M. He can support her with alimony - does your state mandate alimony? Shoot...what does his lawyer say about the above? Because it sounds like he is lying to YOU. Uhhhh move out=divorce. And, this is kind of a mutual deadline, as I live with someone too. The BS doesn't know yet, as we're both getting things in line to leave. And yes, he has spoken with an attorney.
jwi71 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 Uhhhh move out=divorce. And, this is kind of a mutual deadline, as I live with someone too. The BS doesn't know yet, as we're both getting things in line to leave. And yes, he has spoken with an attorney. Just be careful...it wasn't two months ago he told YOU to go away. Not sure why he has to go back home for two months to "get things in line" or why it takes so long to do this "getting in line"...the stbxw will also hire a lawyer and fight for, in her eyes, her fair share (read 50%) of known assets. Just be careful...It doesn't look good for you (even if he does leave).
jwi71 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 If you want to speed up the divorce, all you need to do is contact the betrayed spouse and tell her that her husband is continuing to lie to her and cheat with you. Most likely she will have her lawyer file for divorce. Checking her previous history - she told the W. Then the MM told Jessica to go away. The BS knows - yet no one has filed.
BB07 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 Jessica.....this man is full of ****e and is taking you for a ride. He is going to hurt you worse down the line. Open your eyes hon......he dumped you on d-day and now he is just stringing you along to keep you quite and on the side. It's all about getting what he wants.
TurboGirl Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 Jess, he asked you for a deadline... hmmm not good. He's lying and trying to figure out how long he's going to play this double life for. Also, since you are living with someone, he probably figures, why the hurry to move out of his house that he shares with his W? I think the W is just doing her thing, living her life in total oblivion, because after all, he IS LIVING WITH HER. He's lying to you. How do you know he went to the lawyer? Were you there with him when he met with the attorney, in the room? As for the other bank account, he could be saving for that sports car he always wanted or a boat or some other boy toy. It is so difficult, I know. Because you love him, you W A N T to believe him. You want it to true. Please open your eyes, end it with this cake eater. You are worth more.
datura_noir Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 I sure do hope his BS has her ducks lined up as it sems you and he have been plotting behind her back... Maybe a reminder to all women to have a plan B and to watch out with who you comingle... She's just playin' fair and keepin' it real....someone has been advising her. Wouldn't you do the same???
26pointblue Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 Uhhhh move out=divorce. And, this is kind of a mutual deadline, as I live with someone too. The BS doesn't know yet, as we're both getting things in line to leave. And yes, he has spoken with an attorney. Noooo, Jessica, it is so not true that to an MM [most MMs anyway] that moving out = divorce. This is the nubmer one thing I learned in my dealings with MMs & my reading here about other OWs & their MMs. Many many many MMs see 'moving out' as a 'trial separation' or a 'toe-dip' into seeing what being with OW would really be like. They very often go back home. Very rarely do they divorce especially when they are unsure like your MM in the first place & are trying to placate the wife & keep everything hush hush etc. I'm just saying protect yourself & please don't be naive like I was in thinking that because he moved out, the next step that is surely going to come is divorce. It doesn't work like that at all. Please don't ruin your own relationship [well, it sounds like it's already ruined] & life & base all your plans on MM moving out because honestly that means diddly squat in the grand scheme of things. All that means anything is a divorce decree & please believe me that that very rarely comes, & if it does, it is a long & hard journey to get there. I am not saying this to discourage you from being with your MM but so that you have a realistic picture of things & you're not played for a fool either intentionally or accidentally. Protect yourself first & foremost & don't base what you do on what he does. Get out of your relationship/ move out if you want to & on with another life but don't expect that him moving out means he is prepared to or able to get divorced. Good luck. It definitely does sound like a lot of drama. :-( My message to you is extremely heartfelt- I can see my own prior hopes & assumptions in your posts [yes I know it doesn't always turn out like it did in my case & I'm 'biased' based on my experiences but many many former OWs will tell you that it usually does work out like it did for me] & I am telling you that in reality it doesn't work that way, please take advantage of my own stupid mistakes & protect yourself.
fooled once Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 My drama is never ending. Found out today that my MM's wife has decided she is going to quit her teaching job and start an in home daycare. This decision has come about two months after finding out about us. For those who don't know, she thinks we're over, but we're not. My best friend says she is trying to "trap" him, knowing he will not leave her without a job, insurance, etc. I am just sick to my stomach, as he is on the verge of leaving, and this is just another stone in the road. It never occurred to me that this may be a way of "trapping" him, but my friend is pretty adamant. Anyone have any experience with similar situations?? How is his not leaving HER fault? I mean, many OW blame the wife for the affair, blame the wife for his cheating, blame the wife for not letting go and now here you are blaming the wife for the delay in his leaving. Are you even sure she is planning to quit her job, or is this just a good excuse for him to NOT leave per your deadline? Think about it -- what better excuse to NOT leave than to state wife doesn't have a job. She doesn't need a job - she can get alimony, child support and even keep health insurance -- a good attorney on her part will see to that. He isn't "on the verge of leaving" if he was, he wouldn't be still living there after D-Day. They would be separated by now and also, he wouldn't be hiding the fact you two are still having an affair. Sorry but I think your MM is a big liar and is manipulating both you and his wife..And sadly, you both are falling for it. His actions (still living at home, living life with his wife) show you that he isn't leaving. Fact that he still has you just shows he wants you both. To stay married and have an affair on the side. He could still easily leave if he wanted to..He'd just be paying abit more in spousal support, which chances are, he'd had to pay anyway, even if she was working out of the house. I agree. Nothing says he is leaving or is on the verge of leaving. Wife knows of the affair, according to you and he still chose to not move out. And really, what is stopping YOU from ending YOUR partnership? Have YOU told him you are seeing someone behind his back? Does he know you are not faithful to him? Why haven't YOU left? Isn't it hypocritical to give him a deadline when you haven't even moved out?? Uhhhh move out=divorce. And, this is kind of a mutual deadline, as I live with someone too. The BS doesn't know yet, as we're both getting things in line to leave. And yes, he has spoken with an attorney. Move out does NOT equal divorce. Where did you get that idea? Read threads on here -- many have allegedly MOVED OUT and then moved back in. Not a lot of posters here who have had much luck with the MM moving out and staying out or moving out and staying with the OW. Nice to know you both are gaslighting people you claimed to love at one point. That is really crappy behavior. Both of you need to man up and be honest .... but I guess to do that takes away from the whole sneaking around excitement element of the affair. I sure do hope his BS has her ducks lined up as it sems you and he have been plotting behind her back... Maybe a reminder to all women to have a plan B and to watch out with who you comingle... She's just playin' fair and keepin' it real....someone has been advising her. Wouldn't you do the same??? Yep. The OP hasn't even left yet. They are too busy getting their ducks in a row and then blindsiding their partners.
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Thanks for your input:laugh: Funny how he asked me for a date/deadline by which he needs to have moved out. And also funny how he set up a new bank acct (I was there) in which to start putting money into separately to save for his new housing. Hmmmm. Glad you find my advice humourous. Keep it handy as one day you're going to need that humour when he pulls the carpet from under you Lining up the ducks. Oh nice, so he's socking money away that she doesn't know about.. Uhhhh move out=divorce. And, this is kind of a mutual deadline, as I live with someone too. The BS doesn't know yet, as we're both getting things in line to leave. And yes, he has spoken with an attorney. Uhh move out doesn't always = Divorce. He could change his mind again and again. And how nice that he is keeping her in the dark while making plans. OR, it's he has NO intention of really leaving and he's lying to you, making it seem like he's gonna leave, to keep you happy and the OW on the side for as long as possible. Jessica.....this man is full of ****e and is taking you for a ride. He is going to hurt you worse down the line. Open your eyes hon......he dumped you on d-day and now he is just stringing you along to keep you quite and on the side. It's all about getting what he wants. Listen to BB, she knows what she's talking about. Until the INK is dry on those D papers, don't count on him being "yours". Besides, what about your spouse/partner? Have you told him the news that you're ending things yet? Or are you waiting to see what MM does, that way if he balks, then you can go back home to your unsuspecting partner?
Minnie09 Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 His W just had a DDay, thanks to you guys, and is now trying to trust again, because he lied to her and has been ASKING her to trust him. She is intending to quit her teaching job, so what? Maybe the DDay and the emotional rollercoaster she had to go through made her want to change her lifestyle drastically. New life. New job. That happens a lot. If she were still suspecting that the A is ongoing, she would probably get ready for a D and NOT quit a secure job with lots of benefits. She would rather try to make as much money as possible in as little time as possible, in order to be prepared for the worst, at least financially. Why would she rely on him being there for her, staying married to her, taking care of her, if she suspected that he is still cheating on her? That makes no sense. The trapping-theory is bull****. I don't buy it.
SoleMate Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Jessica, please at least consider the excellent advice and insights from basically every poster. Or, bookmark this thread so you can come back here 4 years from now while you're still waiting for these magical yet-oh-so time consuming ducks to be lined up and see the amount of duck s**t he's been piling up just to get what he wants from you. And....stop blaming the wife, and stop criticizing her supposed choices (which we have only his word for) when you've both done everything you can to deny her the info she rightfully should have.
alexandria35 Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 My drama is never ending. Found out today that my MM's wife has decided she is going to quit her teaching job and start an in home daycare. This decision has come about two months after finding out about us. For those who don't know, she thinks we're over, but we're not. My best friend says she is trying to "trap" him, knowing he will not leave her without a job, insurance, etc. I am just sick to my stomach, as he is on the verge of leaving, and this is just another stone in the road. It never occurred to me that this may be a way of "trapping" him, but my friend is pretty adamant. Anyone have any experience with similar situations?? This makes no sense to me. If he is planning to leave by a certain date, why is he just sitting back and letting his wife quit her job? Wouldn't this be an excellent time to tell that he is planning to leave, before she actually quits? What does your gut tell you about this? Will he leave her even if it means leaving her in a dire financial situation? If you think yes, he will leave, doesn't it bother you that he is going to silently let his wife do something that might hurt her even more in the long run because she doesn't know what is coming her way and he does?
Spark1111 Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 As for the separate bank account....big whup. I can open ten bank accounts without my spouse knowing. But guess what? When I move to divorce, 50 percent of every dime in those accounts belongs to my spouse. Was that act done to keep you hopeful? Or are you two naive? Has he even spoke to an attorney? Because the court traces ALL assets and accounts held by both parties, and takes a much dimmer and punitive view of those who think they can hide funds for any reason. He can move out and he can provide for a separate apartment, but he has to disclose it to the court and have its approval to do so.
bloppy Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 If his wife doesn't know he is planning on leaving then why would she feel the need to try to "trap" him? I really don't understand how her starting her own business would "trap" him. I wonder if he is really planning on leaving. My H let his OW believe that he was going to leave me and live with her for over a year even after she had his child but he is still with me. So you really never know what someone is going to do. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Rose1977 Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 If his wife doesn't know he is planning on leaving then why would she feel the need to try to "trap" him? I really don't understand how her starting her own business would "trap" him. This is exactly the point I was going to make. You had a DDay. He threw YOU under the bus, stayed, and as far as she knows, he is there for the long haul trying to make the M work. How is she trying to trap him? SHE believes her M is getting fixed. When I was married I had a business out of my home b/c it gave me more time to spend at home with my H and son. You mentioned the bank account, but as someone else stated, the wife will get part of whatever he has put away in D proceedings. So unless you opened it in your name, it's rather pointless I think. I am not in your R or your shoes, but someone shouldn't need a "deadline"... they should move out and be with you because they want you.
Emme Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Who is this friend you get your information from??? I'm just curious.... That's what I want to know! If she is an educator she can make more money in day care than teaching. If anything it's more income with less money spent on transportation. Seems like she's getting ready for him to leave and If he does the asset which is the house can't be sold because that's her only form of income. I can't stop laughing. I'm out!
SidLyon Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 My drama is never ending. Found out today that my MM's wife has decided she is going to quit her teaching job and start an in home daycare. This decision has come about two months after finding out about us. For those who don't know, she thinks we're over, but we're not. My best friend says she is trying to "trap" him, knowing he will not leave her without a job, insurance, etc. I am just sick to my stomach, as he is on the verge of leaving, and this is just another stone in the road. It never occurred to me that this may be a way of "trapping" him, but my friend is pretty adamant. Anyone have any experience with similar situations?? If she doesn't know he's leaving to be with you then why shouldn't she change her occupation? It's pretty obvious really that he needs to tell her he's about to leave. What makes you think he's about to leave anyway and when is this supposed to happen? If he doesn't tell her now then you've got your answer. Which would be that: he isn't about to leave and the fact that he allows her to go ahead making plans that adversely impact on "him and you", demonstrate that he has no intention of leaving. Alternatively he's planning to leave her in the worst possible way. This is so obvious Jessica, that he needs to tell her now and then any plans to change jobs she makes, are done in full knowledge of his leaving her, and then he is absolved of that particular responsibility.
Holding-On Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Who is this friend you get your information from??? I'm just curious.... That's what I want to know! If she is an educator she can make more money in day care than teaching. If anything it's more income with less money spent on transportation. Seems like she's getting ready for him to leave and If he does the asset which is the house can't be sold because that's her only form of income. I can't stop laughing. I'm out! That would be somewhat my take on it too. She is lowering her immediate funds (starting a business) so he is not likely to leave as that won't help him in the child support/alimony share. Living in the home and using it as a business means she can deduct a great many expenses so her NET income may be less but her real income about the same (she had to pay for electricity, mortgage and all that anyway). Plus she does not have to cover daycare expenses for her OWN child/children as she can look after them at the same time. Without having to spend hours marking papers and making up work and meeting with parents outside of her home. Teaching - expenses she could claim against business - daycare for her own kids = less than having a moderately successful at home business.
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