he went back to his cheating ex wife! :(

[MissGuided]

Hi all. I am new here. but I want to tell my story as I have been blindsided in the worst way! I am deepy shocked and think somehow just typing it out may help in some way....

 

So I met someone some time ago, we were just friends, we were both married and having problems in our marriages and on the verge of leaving our marriages (my problems were my husband was an alcoholic, his was that his wife was cheating, which he had indisputable evidence)

 

Anyway, we leaned on each other for support and one thing led to another.

I had moved out at this stage and he was moving out also, i said (stupidly and far too quickly) he could stay with me and my 3 year old daughter (i know i know) til he got something figured out. That was 10 months ago. Anyway we fell deeply in love and I really felt like he was the best thing that ever happened to me. We had a lot going against us....we had to live in secret because we didnt want either of our spouses to know until both our divorces were final, his wife was relentless sometimes in pursuing him, begging him to come back to her, there was some serioulsy questionable things she did that make me think she had some form of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Also during this time, my husband developed cirrhosis and nearly died. so we have dealt with alot but as he said 'baby we will get thru everything'

 

But he was weak when it came to her, he let her manipulate him so much, she wud call and he wud let her stay on the phone crying for ages and honestly it would drive me mad. I suppose you would say he is quite submissive and whilst I tried to bring that out of him and make him more of man, she exploited that part of him and she definitley immascualted him.

He realized this and said he was never going back to her, he was so glad he met me, he was never as happy as this etc etc.

So i go to my hometown to visit family and while I am there he says she turned up at his work, with messages from me on facebook (she hacked into his account??) and 3 copies of lie detector tests saying she didnt cheat. and i said so are you going back to her? and he sad yes i think i am.

 

I was knocked for six! totally devestated. I get home and all his things are gone, he has moved in with her, they live in the same neighborhood as me too

he wouldnt even come to my apartment to give me my keys back because 'she wouldnt let him' he came to my friends house to drop them off and she was with him! ugh! spineless coward he is!

I am so hurt and angry, he couldnt say goodbye to me properly or say goodbye to my daughter who adored him and who he claimed to love (i feel incredibly guilty about that now)

All he can say is he is very sorry and just feels like he had to give his mariage another shot that he feels he owes it to her and himself.

I said how could you have such a change of heart in a matter of HOURS!!!

But he cannot offer me any explanation. said he never lied to me, he wasnt even thinking about going back to her, something just triggered in him. god knows what she said to him, she already threatened suicide a number of times....

And I am just paralyzed with grief and heart ache and just cant believe he did this to me. And I am so sad at the loss of him, or the person i thought he was anyway.

And I understand that he wanted to give it another chance with her (although I did not see that coming at all!), many people do, i had even said to him what about giving her another chance and he said never ever.

But its the way he did it and the way he treated me afterwards that is so heartbreaking. Its only been a week since he dropped this bombshell so it is still raw but i feel like i will never ever get over it

And now he is so cold, I just dont understand how he cud have done such a 180. I feel a fool, and so hurt.

[whichwayisup]

He is no better than his wife. Infact, he knows the pain of cheating since she cheated on him and then turned around had an affair with you. Obviously he isn't done with her, she isn't done with him. Whatever reasons he chose to go back and she took him back doesn't matter. Chances are he had no real intention of forever leaving her for you.

 

I do have to say, you've cheated on your H, causing him pain and betrayal too, so it's not like you were a victim in this mess.

 

The best thing to do is just let yourself grieve and let go, move on. Decide to either fix your own marriage or divorce.

 

You're better off without this MM..He was never yours to begin with.

[Audacia]

He was never yours to begin with.

 

I have to totally agree with this. You both had problems in your marriages yet instead of making a decision to leave or work it out, you two developed an emotional affair which turned into a sexual affair. Regardless if she cheated on him, he should not have had a revenge affair on her with you, which is what he did. And you should not have had an affair on your husband. Seperated does not mean divorce. And you knew this by the fact that you both were deceiving people about the living arrangements. He lied to you about not going back to her but honestly, what did you expect? You both lied to your spouses so what made you think he wouldn't lie to you?

 

I understand you are hurt. And I'm sorry for that but you should probably try to avoid developing relationships with people who are already married, this includes people who are "seperated." Sounds like you are going through a tough seperation/divorce yourself. Why would you want to have to deal with someone elses drama now?

[Audacia]

I am so hurt and angry, he couldnt say goodbye to me properly or say goodbye to my daughter who adored him and who he claimed to love (i feel incredibly guilty about that now)

 

Another thing, I understand some people on this board have a lifestyle/beliefs that being the OW/OM is acceptable and they have no committed relationship to the W/H. Which if that is how you want to live your life then by all means. BUT there is bound to be drama when trying to create a relationship with someone who is not completely out of one. Is the affection/gifts/sex/not having to deal with the crap part of relationships worth what the fall out can be? You said you knew from the get go his W was a little looney. What if she found out where you lived and tried to hurt you or your daughter? What if she went to her school and plastered explicit emails all over the faculties cars? (I am a BS if you couldn't tell and I will admit in the throws of anger I thought of every way of getting even with the OW and thought of doing this and I am not looney toons.) You have a daughter so you have to be extremely careful of who you let into her life, and in this case, who you let into yours. I have single friends with children who do not let their bf/gf meet their children until they are absolutely sure they are in for the long haul.

[MissGuided]

but we did leave. I left my husband. he left his wife. and thats when the relationship developed. He filed for divorce. its about to be final any day now ironically enough. I didnt file for divorce yet as my husband has been so sick the last few months. I wanted to file for divorce also but was terrified he would drink again. Thank god he is doing much better now and so i was ready to tell him about everything and say we shud move on and get a divorce.

I realize now that this guy was just emotionally unavailable but he never gave me any indication of that. we were going to move into a new place, think about having a baby and just spend the rest of our lives together.

He was adamant he didnt want to go back to her, they didnt have kids, they were not married for that long and she cheated on him after all so I beleived him.

I would NEVER have an affair with a married man, he left her! But I see now that it was stupid and i should have waited til his divorce was final and go from there. But it all happened so quickly and we fell in love.

But this guy has dropped me now like i was garbage, after living with me and my daughter like a family for 9 months and promising me the world. If I thought for a second that one day he would want to just leave and work on his marriage I would never have got involved in the first place! never.

[MissGuided]

Another thing, I understand some people on this board have a lifestyle/beliefs that being the OW/OM is acceptable and they have no committed relationship to the W/H. Which if that is how you want to live your life then by all means. BUT there is bound to be drama when trying to create a relationship with someone who is not completely out of one. Is the affection/gifts/sex/not having to deal with the crap part of relationships worth what the fall out can be? You said you knew from the get go his W was a little looney. What if she found out where you lived and tried to hurt you or your daughter? What if she went to her school and plastered explicit emails all over the faculties cars? (I am a BS if you couldn't tell and I will admit in the throws of anger I thought of every way of getting even with the OW and thought of doing this and I am not looney toons.) You have a daughter so you have to be extremely careful of who you let into her life, and in this case, who you let into yours. I have single friends with children who do not let their bf/gf meet their children until they are absolutely sure they are in for the long haul.

Oh Lord Audacia, I know this now, I just trusted him, he was amazing in every away and kind and loving and all the rest of it. he was also a cop if that means anything. I dont know. I was a blind fool who was vulnerable too I suppose. It was a lesson learned and I will be much more cautious from now on, though I feel like I will never trust a man again. And i will never get involved in a seperated man again unless hes been divorced for 100 years!!! A horrible mistake I made, my only saving grace is my beautiful independent daughter who does not seem phased by it at all. In fact strangely enough, she started to go off him a little bit the last couple of months. How intuitive children can be.

[feelingfine]

One word...Karma!

[ASG]

I have to totally agree with this. You both had problems in your marriages yet instead of making a decision to leave or work it out, you two developed an emotional affair which turned into a sexual affair. Regardless if she cheated on him, he should not have had a revenge affair on her with you, which is what he did. And you should not have had an affair on your husband. Seperated does not mean divorce. And you knew this by the fact that you both were deceiving people about the living arrangements. He lied to you about not going back to her but honestly, what did you expect? You both lied to your spouses so what made you think he wouldn't lie to you?

 

I understand you are hurt. And I'm sorry for that but you should probably try to avoid developing relationships with people who are already married, this includes people who are "seperated." Sounds like you are going through a tough seperation/divorce yourself. Why would you want to have to deal with someone elses drama now?

 

I have to take issue with the bolded bit.

Separated means separated. It means you're not together anymore. So what you do then is entirely up to you and you own nothing to your H/W.

 

In a lot of places you can't even get a divorce before you're separated for X amount of time. Are you suggesting that people waiting for that time to pass and engaging in relationships are cheating?!

Because... They're not! They're moving on with their life.

 

My parents only got divorced when my mom decided to re-marry (even though she and my step dad had been together for a few years by then and didn't marry for a few years after that, because his wife woldn't give him the divorce, even though she was living with someone else by then, as well LOL)

 

The way I see it, as soon as you have the "break up" talk, that's it! You're done, just like any other relationship.

 

And if the OP and her MM had both left their spouses by the time they started a relationship, they didn't cheat.

[siuys]

MissGuided, sorry you are hurting. Unfortunately, them leaving and moving out still does not mean anything. Yes, they might APPEAR to be over their M, but it's not over till it's over. xMM moved out for 6 months also, but he moved back with his W after. Your guy probably did not even know he was not over it. In my case, he flipped and flopped big time. I genuinely believed he did want to be with me, it was just not consistent because it was NOT a solid decision. And let's face it, it was always going to be messy and high risk with someone who has NOT finished the other R.

 

And regarding the way he left? It's cowardly. No two ways about it. And unfortunately, if you have been on LS long enough, you will realise that this is not so unusual unfortunately. It takes a courageous person and one with integrity to look you in the eye, say the unpleasant things, face the music. Every time my xMM ended things with me, he would email me. Too cowardly to talk. In the end, we did have a talk, and it was ok, but believe me, you will NEVER get all the answers. The trick is to move on knowing the situation did not turn out well, and yes, you may be shocked, but that too will subside. You are still hurting a lot and probably cannot imagine moving on right now, but you will... stay focused on you. Sort out your M or D. One step at a time. Grieve the loss, accept the horrible way it ended, accept the future faking, accept that you made a mistake or a wrong judgement call.

[jwi71]

I have to take issue with the bolded bit.

Separated means separated. It means you're not together anymore. So what you do then is entirely up to you and you own nothing to your H/W.

 

In a lot of places you can't even get a divorce before you're separated for X amount of time. Are you suggesting that people waiting for that time to pass and engaging in relationships are cheating?!

Because... They're not! They're moving on with their life.

 

My parents only got divorced when my mom decided to re-marry (even though she and my step dad had been together for a few years by then and didn't marry for a few years after that, because his wife woldn't give him the divorce, even though she was living with someone else by then, as well LOL)

 

The way I see it, as soon as you have the "break up" talk, that's it! You're done, just like any other relationship.

 

And if the OP and her MM had both left their spouses by the time they started a relationship, they didn't cheat.

 

Just out of curiosity...why, if these two terms are synonymous, do both terms exist?

 

You will also note that the OP began this as an A...she was cheating on her H and he was cheating on her W.

 

The only real loser here is the poor daughter. It must have been terribly confusing to her to lose daddy and have him, in her eyes, suddenly replaced by this new man.

[MissGuided]

No we were not having an affair! it did not start that way. we had both left our spouses.

the only reason i have posted this on this forum is becasue I NOW feel like the OW after all and I wanted to get some perspective from anyone who was in my position.

I feel terrible for anyone on here that has been cheated on. Seeing how hurt my bf was from it, i understand how hurtful and damaging it can be.

I should have realized that just because he was physically available, emotionally he wasnt. But I didnt think that was the case and maybe through my own vulnerability and naivete I just didnt see it.

They tried to have councelling but after one session she said she wasnt going anymore because it was 'gay'. her words. He realized he would not be able to forgive her. And he left.

I just feel like I was an emotional airbag for him now and feel so horribly used and betrayed

[datura_noir]

Unfortunately (or fortunately) separated has a legal and common definition. Otherwise it would not exist, and one could go straight to divorce.

 

Separated means a time of reflection and/or renewal of the marriage. A time to decide whether or not divorce is necessary. I think for myself, that separation is a good time to find one's self in relation to the world, and to figure out what I want in life.

 

If one has already started a parallel relationship prior to this period or within this period, it can cloud the person's judgement and perception. If that said person has impulsive tendencies or ADD or is bipolar, then it can almost undoubtedly lead to a fast relationship, with no counseling or reflective reasoning being sought. Then they will most likely repeat their patterns, though they won't be present for years due to the span of age, but with age, become more mellowed and slower about it.

 

I have succumbed to the theory of recycling- people bounce from R to R, or M to M, maybe or maybe not getting help. The key to getting help is to apply the logic and knowledge to your life NOW.

 

Whatever path you take, there will be a long path to a healthy relationship. In an affair, it is double or triple the trouble. If you can stick with it, you will have a great relationship.

 

Please research the adult ADD website, and see if any or most of the patterns apply to either you or your man. It can't hurt, but it may help....

[BB07]

I'm sorry MissG that you are here because of your circumstances.

 

I can relate to some of what you are going through as I thought I was dating a separated man who had a stbx but well......he lied, he wasn't separated at all, well until the last 3 months of he and I.

 

Anyway........again I'm sorry and it's such a ****ty thing to be led down a path such as you have been.

[TurboGirl]

Another thing, I understand some people on this board have a lifestyle/beliefs that being the OW/OM is acceptable and they have no committed relationship to the W/H. Which if that is how you want to live your life then by all means. BUT there is bound to be drama when trying to create a relationship with someone who is not completely out of one. Is the affection/gifts/sex/not having to deal with the crap part of relationships worth what the fall out can be? You said you knew from the get go his W was a little looney. What if she found out where you lived and tried to hurt you or your daughter? What if she went to her school and plastered explicit emails all over the faculties cars? (I am a BS if you couldn't tell and I will admit in the throws of anger I thought of every way of getting even with the OW and thought of doing this and I am not looney toons.) You have a daughter so you have to be extremely careful of who you let into her life, and in this case, who you let into yours. I have single friends with children who do not let their bf/gf meet their children until they are absolutely sure they are in for the long haul.

 

 

Can't let this one slide by. Audacia, why all the hatred to the OW? Your H was there too! He invited it, took part and didn't turn the OW away! It takes two, remember?

 

I do agree though, about being careful about the people you allow into your life when you have a child. People get crazy when super pissed.

 

Missguided, you don't want someone who would treat you that way. What a loser! yes, I know you believed in him... but apparently the W still had some kind of hold. Also, how do you know he wasn't seeing her on the sly behind your back? How do you know they didn't meet for lunch, dinner, sex, whatever? This guy sounds weak. You are better off. And if he comes crawling back, which may very well happen, please slam the door in his face.

[Minnie09]

I'm very sorry you're going through this. I don't think you're to blame at all, as the exact same thing could've happened to you after his D. The guy simply wasn't able to make a mature decision on his own. He's probably one of those people who let other people direct his life, and is quite happy that he has little responsibility for the things he does.

 

The question is: Why did he promise you the world so very early in your R, and why did you fall soooooo hard for it that you even let him move in with you and your toddler? I would really want to hear some details abt the initial stages of your A ® and how he managed to lure you in that quickly. Despite your own difficult M, you were quite committed to the MM very early in your R.

I think MM misled you big time, otherwise you would not have trusted him the way you trusted him. He must have given you tons of false hope, and that's just not right. You were very vulnerable and he took advantage of you. I'm sure you've learned your lesson and I'm sorry you had to learn it the hard, painful way. I wish you good luck.

[Audacia]

"Some states have divorce waiting periods when filing for a divorce to make sure that couples are absolutely certain about ending their marriages. Divorce waiting periods vary from state to state, ranging from a month to six months to even a year or more, if certain divorce issues haven't been resolved. In the past, states have considered extending divorce waiting periods, especially for couples with children. Such divorce legislation has been based on observations that shorter divorce waiting periods lead to higher divorce rate."

 

I'm positive I would hate this law if I wanted a divorce but had to wait a year. But I understand it after being a BS. After D-day I was on an emotional roller coaster. One day I wished him dead, the next I was so numb, the next I was in love with him. And if I were in his place I think I might have thought of calling it quits. But we didn't. And I'm glad I didn't kick him to the curb. Because I would have had days where I would have called him wanting him back. Quickly followed by kicking him out again.

 

Seperation gives time for both parties to calm down. I think he may have told you many things. But you have to put faith in actions and not words. When he started taking those calls from her and listening to her for hours, that was your warning sign. And when he hid the relationship with you from her is another. If they were getting divorced and she had an affair then he had nothing to worry about by her knowing. But he was more concerned about her reaction and feelings.

 

And as far as him being a cop.... They are human too. They may look really good in those uniforms but they still have their best friend hanging betwen their legs like any other man. And they are targeted by Badge Bunnies like you wouldn't believe.

[Audacia]

Are you suggesting that people waiting for that time to pass and engaging in relationships are cheating?!

Because... They're not! They're moving on with their life.

 

And if the OP and her MM had both left their spouses by the time they started a relationship, they didn't cheat.

 

I'm not suggesting those people are cheating. If they have in fact moved on with their life then that's good. This man did not move on. He kept contact with his W even when it upset his live-in gf. Even if he was divorced he should have NC with his wife. Especially since they had no kids. You would treat an ExWife just like you would the OW. I imagine OW/OM who are in a relationship/marriage with their MM/MW after they divorced the BS don't want them on the phone with their Ex's. Am I right?

[fooled once]

Hi all. I am new here. but I want to tell my story as I have been blindsided in the worst way! I am deepy shocked and think somehow just typing it out may help in some way....

 

So I met someone some time ago, we were just friends, we were both married and having problems in our marriages and on the verge of leaving our marriages (my problems were my husband was an alcoholic, his was that his wife was cheating, which he had indisputable evidence)

 

Anyway, we leaned on each other for support and one thing led to another.

I had moved out at this stage and he was moving out also, i said (stupidly and far too quickly) he could stay with me and my 3 year old daughter (i know i know) til he got something figured out. That was 10 months ago. Anyway we fell deeply in love and I really felt like he was the best thing that ever happened to me. We had a lot going against us....we had to live in secret because we didnt want either of our spouses to know until both our divorces were final, his wife was relentless sometimes in pursuing him, begging him to come back to her, there was some serioulsy questionable things she did that make me think she had some form of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Also during this time, my husband developed cirrhosis and nearly died. so we have dealt with alot but as he said 'baby we will get thru everything'

 

But he was weak when it came to her, he let her manipulate him so much, she wud call and he wud let her stay on the phone crying for ages and honestly it would drive me mad. I suppose you would say he is quite submissive and whilst I tried to bring that out of him and make him more of man, she exploited that part of him and she definitley immascualted him.

He realized this and said he was never going back to her, he was so glad he met me, he was never as happy as this etc etc.

So i go to my hometown to visit family and while I am there he says she turned up at his work, with messages from me on facebook (she hacked into his account??) and 3 copies of lie detector tests saying she didnt cheat. and i said so are you going back to her? and he sad yes i think i am.

 

I was knocked for six! totally devestated. I get home and all his things are gone, he has moved in with her, they live in the same neighborhood as me too

he wouldnt even come to my apartment to give me my keys back because 'she wouldnt let him' he came to my friends house to drop them off and she was with him! ugh! spineless coward he is!

I am so hurt and angry, he couldnt say goodbye to me properly or say goodbye to my daughter who adored him and who he claimed to love (i feel incredibly guilty about that now)

All he can say is he is very sorry and just feels like he had to give his mariage another shot that he feels he owes it to her and himself.

I said how could you have such a change of heart in a matter of HOURS!!!

But he cannot offer me any explanation. said he never lied to me, he wasnt even thinking about going back to her, something just triggered in him. god knows what she said to him, she already threatened suicide a number of times....

And I am just paralyzed with grief and heart ache and just cant believe he did this to me. And I am so sad at the loss of him, or the person i thought he was anyway.

And I understand that he wanted to give it another chance with her (although I did not see that coming at all!), many people do, i had even said to him what about giving her another chance and he said never ever.

But its the way he did it and the way he treated me afterwards that is so heartbreaking. Its only been a week since he dropped this bombshell so it is still raw but i feel like i will never ever get over it

And now he is so cold, I just dont understand how he cud have done such a 180. I feel a fool, and so hurt.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. I do not understand why you had this guy MOVE IN with you immediately after he "left" his wife!!! WHY in the world would you do that? It had to be more than 'just friends'. You even state you knew it was wrong and you knew it was more than friends when you allowed him to move in, directly from the home he shared with his wife. That is cheating. He was NOT separated. You both knew what you were doing when he moved in.

 

Yes, it was foolish to start something before EITHER of you had a chance to grieve your marriages. Heck, you haven't even filed for divorce! And from what I am reading, neither of your spouses knew that you two were living together AND being intimate. So why all the secrecy if you weren't "cheating"??????

 

He ran back home. I truly believe he never emotionally left his wife. He used you to prop him up and make him feel manly. He used your daughter.

 

And FYI - many married couples have access to each other's facebook/email. I have access to my H's; but I have no reason to go on it or read his email and same for him with me. So his WIFE didn't hack into anything. I know it makes you feel better to blame his wife for him returning home. It is harder to admit he really wanted to go back to her. It makes it easier for you if you think she manipulated him. BUT, also know, that no one can MAKE another person do something they don't want to do.

 

Proper break up? Did you give your H a proper break up? Did you tell him you were living with a new lover? Did he know you and the MM were planning a future together? Why did you want to see him alone? So that you could beg him to stay with you? if he came to you tomorrow saying he had a fight with his wife and needed a place cause he was "separating" again, would you let him back in?

 

He is no better than his wife. Infact, he knows the pain of cheating since she cheated on him and then turned around had an affair with you. Obviously he isn't done with her, she isn't done with him. Whatever reasons he chose to go back and she took him back doesn't matter. Chances are he had no real intention of forever leaving her for you.

 

I do have to say, you've cheated on your H, causing him pain and betrayal too, so it's not like you were a victim in this mess.

 

The best thing to do is just let yourself grieve and let go, move on. Decide to either fix your own marriage or divorce.

 

You're better off without this MM..He was never yours to begin with.

 

I agree. You are not a victim in this. You deliberately began a relationship with a married man.

 

I have to take issue with the bolded bit.

Separated means separated. It means you're not together anymore. So what you do then is entirely up to you and you own nothing to your H/W.

 

In a lot of places you can't even get a divorce before you're separated for X amount of time. Are you suggesting that people waiting for that time to pass and engaging in relationships are cheating?! Because... They're not! They're moving on with their life.

 

My parents only got divorced when my mom decided to re-marry (even though she and my step dad had been together for a few years by then and didn't marry for a few years after that, because his wife woldn't give him the divorce, even though she was living with someone else by then, as well LOL)

 

The way I see it, as soon as you have the "break up" talk, that's it! You're done, just like any other relationship.

 

And if the OP and her MM had both left their spouses by the time they started a relationship, they didn't cheat.

 

Separated is not divorced. MANY separated couples return to their marriages. Many couples do 'trial separations'.

 

I do believe people should wait until a divorce is final OR wait at least enough time to mourn a marriage ending before jumping into bed with someone new.

 

Yes they did cheat. They knew it was more than friends PRIOR to moving in. You don't go from family home to lover home and think it is healthy. It isn't. As much as I wanted a divorce, I didn't immediately start dating the day my ex finally moved out. I needed time; my child needed time and to jump into a relationship without taking some time is in my mind a rebound thing; not a lasting healthy relationship. Yes, it can be done but not that many are successful, IMHO.

[Audacia]

Can't let this one slide by. Audacia, why all the hatred to the OW? Your H was there too! He invited it, took part and didn't turn the OW away! It takes two, remember?

 

My animosity towards my H's OW is because of the things she did towards me after D-day. Not the A. He made the commitment to me and broke it. She had no commitment to me so I don't blame her or hate her for the A. I am still mad at my H for the A. Not like I was immediately following D-day but it's still there. And believe you me, he knows it when that takes over. I still wake up sometimes wanting to punch him in the face while he's sleeping. My hatred towards OW is because she continually contacted me and harassed me after me and my H repeatedly asked for NC. We had to threaten a restraining order. She came after me. She threatened me the day after D-day. Kept calling me and sending messages stating if I didn't listen to her side she was making sure everyone at my H work and my work knew about it. She was mad my H did not inform her he was disclosing the A to me and mad that we wouldn't lie to her H when he called wanting answers. She was mad about the NC rule. She still tries to contact both of us 10 months later. She wants to know why we can't all be friends because she has apologized to me about all the nasty things she said to me. That's my reason.

[MissGuided]

well you see that why i came on here, because I need some clarity and I need to hear this stuff, no matter how painful it is to hear it.

No I absolutley should not have allowed him to move in, but it was only supposed to be temporary while he found a place. I swear that, I was not kidding myself there.

but because she cheated on him he said that was a dealbreaker for him. But I should have just realized that he was hurting and needed to 'fix himself' whether that be councelling, living apart, seeing if it would work with her a second time or whatever it may have been that he needed to do before I jumped in there like a blind idiot.

I was hurting too, maybe at the start I was using him also for comfort (?)

But I will say this, she DID manipulate him, and did so all through their marriage. I know this not just by what he told me but from others too. In some weird way maybe I wanted to save him. But maybe he just didnt want to be saved. It wasnt my job.

But there has been a great lesson learned here for me. Perhaps I needed this to happen so I can be more vigilant in the future for a healthier relationship that I am destined to have.

I dont know. I just know that my heart is broken and I am more angry at myself then at him.

[whichwayisup]

Oh Lord Audacia, I know this now, I just trusted him, he was amazing in every away and kind and loving and all the rest of it. he was also a cop if that means anything. I dont know. I was a blind fool who was vulnerable too I suppose. It was a lesson learned and I will be much more cautious from now on, though I feel like I will never trust a man again. And i will never get involved in a seperated man again unless hes been divorced for 100 years!!! A horrible mistake I made, my only saving grace is my beautiful independent daughter who does not seem phased by it at all. In fact strangely enough, she started to go off him a little bit the last couple of months. How intuitive children can be.

 

Most cops have huge ego's and are narcissists. Not saying your H is an N, but he probably has traits, as it goes with the job...As does the drinking.

 

I'm actually surprised you involved your daughter in all this. Does your H know that you've had an affair? Or did he think that you two were just separated? Just odd that your daughter didn't say anything to her father about the MM.

[whichwayisup]

But I will say this, she DID manipulate him, and did so all through their marriage

 

Yet he's chosen to go back to the marriage. Not by a gun to his head, but because it seems they never sorted stuff out, he had an A with you.. So things are not done with them. She may have manipulated him but I doubt he's clueless in all this either. He's a grown man and he isn't done yet.

[MissGuided]

Audacia that is absolutley horrible what you went through. I would never do that. Ultimately I want him to be happy and if it is with her then so be it. I just didnt think thats what he wanted, otherwise I would have sent him away a long time ago.

[MissGuided]

Most cops have huge ego's and are narcissists. Not saying your H is an N, but he probably has traits, as it goes with the job...As does the drinking.

 

I'm actually surprised you involved your daughter in all this. Does your H know that you've had an affair? Or did he think that you two were just separated? Just odd that your daughter didn't say anything to her father about the MM.

 

It was my bf who was a cop, his wife also actually, who is definitley an N.

It was my H who is an alcoholic.

 

Yes my H knows now I was with someonelse while we were seperated and he doesnt not think I did anything wrong - he says he made me so miserable thru his drinking (which is a whole nother thread!) that he doesnt blame me for meeting someone else and wanting to be happy

[fooled once]

My animosity towards my H's OW is because of the things she did towards me after D-day. Not the A. He made the commitment to me and broke it. She had no commitment to me so I don't blame her or hate her for the A. I am still mad at my H for the A. Not like I was immediately following D-day but it's still there. And believe you me, he knows it when that takes over. I still wake up sometimes wanting to punch him in the face while he's sleeping. My hatred towards OW is because she continually contacted me and harassed me after me and my H repeatedly asked for NC. We had to threaten a restraining order. She came after me. She threatened me the day after D-day. Kept calling me and sending messages stating if I didn't listen to her side she was making sure everyone at my H work and my work knew about it. She was mad my H did not inform her he was disclosing the A to me and mad that we wouldn't lie to her H when he called wanting answers. She was mad about the NC rule. She still tries to contact both of us 10 months later. She wants to know why we can't all be friends because she has apologized to me about all the nasty things she said to me. That's my reason.

 

Audacia,

 

You do not have to explain why you don't like the OW or have animosity towards a woman who chose to sleep with a MM. You do not have to justify your disgust and anger with her.

 

THIS is why I firmly believe a spouse SHOULD be told when an affair is going on - so the spouse (in this case a woman) can protect herself against this kind of crap.

 

IF I was ever a BS, yep, I would be pissed as hell as my H; but I would also have anger at the mistress for making the decision to sleep with a married man. Doesn't matter what excuse he uses to lure her into his bed, she makes the choice to do it. Too many women fall for the "i'm unhappy" "she doesn't understand me" "she doesn't give me sex" bullsh*t from a guy.

 

The ONLY 'acceptable' case of not being angry at the OW is if she was told the spouse was dead (and there was someone on here who was told that). But if the OW finds out the wife is alive and well, and continues to sleep with him, she gets what she gets. No sympathy for her. It isn't that hard to figure out if a guy is married - if he can't call on weekends or evenings or you can't go to his house or be introduced to co-workers, friends, family -- good chance is he is married.