esiole Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half but I'm finding my life with him very difficult, especially now. I find him to be very controlling over my life: He doesn't like me changing my self, I can't get a dramatic hair cut for fear it'll upset him, I can't wear anything low cut - but he's not bothered if I was to wear a very short skirt. There are so many taboo subjects, I am very honest with him, but I feel there are things we can't talk about because I'm scared of how he'll react. He's very aggressive person, he's never laid a finger on me and I doubt he ever will, but he can be pretty harsh with words when he's in a bad mood. He often self harms by hitting himself, I can't get him to stop and when I ask him why he does it, he say's it makes him feel better. He can have a very split personality sometimes, and a selective memory. We've had some pretty rough patches, and he's told me he despises me, or he never wants to see me again, and he'll apologise, perhaps the next day, but the damage is already done. I'm always the one chasing him, doing little things to cheer him up, buying him things, leaving love notes, sending romantic texts - thinking of things to keep our relationship alive, and he just doesn't do that for me. Sometimes I just don't feel he appreciates me, I take an interest in all his hobbies, I always put him first, and I am always there for him, and I don't feel it's a two way thing. For example: I bought him a game he wanted on a pre-order off the internet, I told him thinking he'd be over the moon, instead he wants me to return it because I didn't get the special edition, and he's decided to order it himself. He's constantly calling me careless, clumsy and telling me I don't listen to him, when I'm treading on eggshells, careful not to mention something that will upset him, conforming to his dress code. I bought him a pre-packed pasta pot and gave it to him at college and said 'It doesn't look very appealing' and wouldn't eat it. He's also obsessed with sex, I give him more than enough pleasure so to speak, and he looks at porn, full of skinny women. I am far from skinny, and he's always told me that I'm the most attractive woman ever etc, and he doesn't like thin girls. I've asked him, after discovering a collection on his computer, if he's ever looked it, I asked him more than once, reassuring him that it didn't bother me if he did, and he still denies it. I think the fact that he's lied about it hurts the most. He lies about a lot of things, and I never confront him, yet if I put one toe out of line, I'm in the doghouse, and he well knows I overlook the majority of his wrong doing. He makes me so miserable sometimes, and after leaving me for my best friend (although nothing happened between them) around 6 months ago, and me taking him back after several attempts to win him over, I've wanted to break it off recently, as he talks about serious commitments, like marriage, and I don't think that I can live like this for a long period of time. I just want to be happy, and he brings me a lot of happiness, as he can be a fantastic guy, but when he's not, I don't see a point to out relationship. The only thing is I can't end it with him, as I'm going on a holiday with him and his family in July and it's cost me over £1000. I'm really stuck, any advice? Thank you.
tmesis Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 The only thing is I can't end it with him, as I'm going on a holiday with him and his family in July and it's cost me over £1000. He's making you miserable, so end it. It's not fair on either of you to stay together for the sake of a holiday you can't possibly enjoy together. You've already spent the £1000 - that's gone, unless you can get the deposit back - it's not going to reappear if you carry on seeing him.
TaraMaiden Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 (edited) My cousin left a guy who was behaving very similarly to your guy. In fact, that's why I'm replying... And she had just invested in a deposit for an apartment, with him. The had to pay a one and a half times the monthly rent, as a deposit, and two month's rent in advance. her part of the payment came to the equivalent of nearly £2,000. However, his behaviour was intolerable, and finally, he obviously did something (I don't know what) that just pushed her a little too far, and she ended it. She walked away from it, without looking back. It left her so out of pocket, she had to move in with her sister for two years, before she made up the spare money to move out again, and find a place of her own. Oh, and by the way - her ex- was finally committed to a psychiatric ward, and is still an an out-patient at a mental institution. I would say your guy has definitely got a mental/personality disorder. Super-controlling, plus self-harming? Definitely a big problematic waving red flag there.... Run don't walk. Kiss the £1,000 goodbye as a learning curve, and count your blessings you're not in deeper. And really - as and when you quit (and I sincerely hope you do) you'll have to really put up strong barriers - because he will in all probability become obsessed with getting you back, and may try every trick in the book. Every one. Edited April 29, 2011 by TaraMaiden
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