eternal.denied84 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 Long story - There is this girl in my office I am attracted to, she recently joined in and is quite junior to me say 4 yrs. I approached her, we talked couple of times and she entertained me quite well. Since I use to ask her out for a stop talk frequently, once i asked her if i may be disturbing her, to which she said.."its not like that, had she not been interested she wouldn't be talking to me" Days passed by and i did not talk to her for a week or so, she did not approach me either, when I talked to her after 2 weeks or so-I asked her that why she could not approach to say hi, hello. She said that she felt that I have changed , I am different and may not want to talk to...we cleared the misunderstanding and she said its okay we are friends...now these misunderstandings wont happen. again weeks passed by, i did not approach her just to see if she initiates a talk which she did not, i sent a couple of teasing text messages to her following which I chatted with her, this time she was different--i asked her out for a coffee break or something, she denied saying she is damn busy and cant take out time, i insisted if she could take out time for 5 minutes, she again denied saying she really can't. I told her "you seem different", to which she asked why am i saying so ?--i said-i just felt like that. to which she replied teasingly that she cant help that out.finally she said she has to work, she will text me later and logged off. a week passed by, yet no words from her. We see each other daily from a distance but do not greet and avoid bumping into each other. I am attracted to this girl and would really like to move ahead but couple of things are stopping me: 1) I am very egoistic and can't take rejections, If a girl rejects my offer I will keep thinking on the same for ever. 2) last communication I had with her hint me that she is not interested to carryout anything ( this is what i conclude from her responses and from my experiences with women in past) 3) since i would have to see this girl everyday, i don't want to create an awkward situation at workplace where we would have to avoid each other-if i approach her and things do not go as per my expectations. Infact now also, i feel I am in a awkward situation where we try avoid bumping into each other and if we do..we just pass a smile and move on.Dont even stop to say hi/hello. what should I do ? I really need expert opinion here because this thing is eating my head from past couple of weeks and i am not able to concentrate on work or anything else.
fishtaco Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 She probably wasn't even interested in you in the first place. She was just play flirting, i.e. "being friendly". I do that to women all the time. Invariably some of them end up liking me. But usually ones I'm not interested in. Even if say she was interested in you at first, you dropped the ball. What you did was intentionally friendzone yourself. If you're interested in someone, you go for it as soon as you receive a perceived green light, or the dynamic will change. An opportunity, especially a good one, will not stick around and wait for you. You take it now or it could be gone. Backing off to make her come after you is called playing hard to get. It's a pretty weak strategy. Especially for men. Women are usually not aggressive, even if they like you. Hard to get is like playing a jerk. These are "negative" strategies, i.e. you're using negative behavior pattern to elicit a positive response. They are probably helpful in certain situations, but you have to know what you're doing, or they'll have the opposite effect. By default I would not recommend these tactics unless you are very good at mind games. And finally, don't date people at work. And second finally, get over your sensitivity to getting rejected. If you're batting around 10-20%, you're doing alright. Which means for every woman that goes on a date with you, at least 8 others will turn you down. Get used to it. Even if you have an epic ratio of 50%, that still means you'll get turned down half the time. Getting rejected is just part of being a man.
Author eternal.denied84 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 And finally, don't date people at work. And second finally, get over your sensitivity to getting rejected. If you're batting around 10-20%, you're doing alright. Which means for every woman that goes on a date with you, at least 8 others will turn you down. Get used to it. Even if you have an epic ratio of 50%, that still means you'll get turned down half the time. Getting rejected is just part of being a man. I like above points..Thanks much. but lets say i still want to go ahead with this girl..what are my chances now and what step should I take ?
fishtaco Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I like above points..Thanks much. but lets say i still want to go ahead with this girl..what are my chances now and what step should I take ? Ironically what I would do is DON'T go ahead with this girl. You're already in the negative. One of the most important rule of dating is to never get stuck on one person. If you're focused on her, it'll mess you up big time. Continue being friendly, that's about the only thing you can do. If you want to push it, ask her to coffee again. But it's not likely to happen. Then drop it. But continue to be friendly and ambiguous. Always mix your friendly with flirting. Always. Even with women you're not interested in. Your best bet, is to hit on other women. Even if you're unsuccessful, even if you just get a date or two and they bail, you are at least active. It's like what they say... it's easier to find a job when you already have a job. So stay active. If you don't care about your job, hit on a different women at work. This way she has more of a chance to find out. Once you can get some other women to be interested in you, and she knows about it, she may change her tune... may. But I would not recommend that. First, you're messing with work, second, this is a lot of work. No woman is worth this much effort. So if I were you: Step one, identify the next three targets. Step two, figure out how to approach them, i.e. your angle and such. Step three, create the situation for the approach, it could be as simple as showing up to the same bar they frequent. Your goal is to date as many of them as you can. Doesn't matter if at the same time or not. You just need to be smart about scheduling. Then if you want to play the game with this one, leak information that you are dating other women, but this is tricky, you have to do it with tact. Being obvious like awkwardly put your cell phone on her desk with a picture of your + your date is only going to backfire. The information has to come out naturally. It'd be the best if she initiated it. Let's say she asks you, so, we have a long weekend coming up, what are your plans? Well, I have a date tonight, then I'm going a family picnic tomorrow, then blah blah blah. So for all practical purposes, write this one off until further notice. In the mean time, use her to practice flirting. Chances are, after you get things going with the three women, you won't even care about this one anymore. And that's probably when she'll suddenly develop an interest in you. Anyway, that'd be my approach. Can't guarantee it'd be the best.
Author eternal.denied84 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Posted May 29, 2011 I followed your advice and backed off..but it seems it was already late..its over one month or so..I have stopped talking to this girl,being only cordial..pass a smile if at all we bump into each other..and that's all. recently I came to know that this girl has been spreading our personal talks to other girls in the group..she has told them that "This guy(myself) is calling me for lunch..asking my number blah blah"..when they asked why do you go out with him then.. she replied saying that she had to do it forcefully..man what a [email protected] came to know all of the above through one of my friend. If I recollect her words when we use to hang out-she told me we are friends..she told me she was interested in talking to me..she shared her number and said she was very comfortable with it..why the hell she would back-stab me then..? I am so messed up right now..not able to get over that how on the earth could someone lie like this and for what f@@king reason..what did she achieve out of this? On the other hand I am felling so pathetic that I have been befooled for all these days..though I had already stopped talking to her from past month or so..but this recent news has just blasted me... Should I confront her..or just let it go..and try to be strong?
zlatnapolja Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 I followed your advice and backed off..but it seems it was already late..its over one month or so..I have stopped talking to this girl,being only cordial..pass a smile if at all we bump into each other..and that's all. recently I came to know that this girl has been spreading our personal talks to other girls in the group..she has told them that "This guy(myself) is calling me for lunch..asking my number blah blah"..when they asked why do you go out with him then.. she replied saying that she had to do it forcefully..man what a [email protected] came to know all of the above through one of my friend. If I recollect her words when we use to hang out-she told me we are friends..she told me she was interested in talking to me..she shared her number and said she was very comfortable with it..why the hell she would back-stab me then..? I am so messed up right now..not able to get over that how on the earth could someone lie like this and for what f@@king reason..what did she achieve out of this? On the other hand I am felling so pathetic that I have been befooled for all these days..though I had already stopped talking to her from past month or so..but this recent news has just blasted me... Should I confront her..or just let it go..and try to be strong? I think you should let it go. Girls are often very friendly which is wrongly interpreted as flirting. The girl probably has a problem with being 'too friendly' aswell, which in this case resulted in your getting hurt. Just act cool about it, that will make both you and her happier. 'when they asked why do you go out with him then.. she replied saying that she had to do it forcefully..' The other girls seem to see whats really going on. If you just back off, this will only be more obvious. Im so sorry it worked out this way, but you'll be fine;) she however may get herself into a lot of trouble with this behaviour in the future, which is actually sad..
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