Need and support on " No contact " strategy ..

[frenchmanfl]

Hi,

 

I won't get into my whole story because it's too long and I have written on it in a previous post, short of saying my wife and I have just separated after 26 years together ( I am 43 she 42 ) and we have a beautiful 10 year old boy.

 

I am finally following everyone's advice including my father to say as little as possible to my wife, but NC is impossible because we have our baby boy.

 

She is having an EA ( possibly PA ). He is 10 years younger and not at all her, which I know doesn't matter. She tried to do a I will half the time here, half the time there, I said I can't do that, please move there permenantely.

 

Today is basically the third day where whenever she corresponds by e-mail, I respond with one sentence no emotion " OK's...will do... " etc.

 

It's hurting me even more to be like this to her ( I know stupid given she is the one having the affair ) Part of it is guilt because it has been largely my fault through years and years of not being the husband i should have been. She worshipped for 20 of the years we have been together, so this woman did love me deeply and I know she loves and cares for me now ( not in love but love ).

 

I have actually seen a change in her behavior in the last day or so, where she is more mousy and non-confrontational. It's even possible that she found an e-mail I wrote to a girl I met, with whom I am not looking for a relationship or anything like that. I am new to town and need an outlet and my wife kept saying why don't you go out and make some new friends. I even told her about this girl and she said go hang out with her, it might make me jealous. The letter she read only proved that I wasn't looking for anything more than a friend.

 

This NC strategy is impossibly hard. When you have our history and my belief that she is going through an MLC ( it is not the only contributor but the signs are all there ), and know that she is at least having an EA, it is still hard to not ask her how her day is going, how her dying step mother is. Just last week, in one of those moments of mutual sadness I told I wanted to always be friends, her response was " friends for life, maybe more, but I don't want to talk about that now ".

 

So I may be wrong that she saw the letter but she had to drop off my son at the house yesterday and she arrived before i got home from work. When I arrived she had dinner ( I am the cook not she ) cooking and she was weirdly soft spoken and almost looked like it was her the victim not me. I followed all the advice of walking into the house looking composed and confident.

 

I am deathly scared that cutting her off is going to push her even harder into this guys bed ( if she hasn't already been there ) or as she is prone to do, will get even angrier and completely disconnect from me too, besides our son.

 

How long does it typically take for there to be a turn around where she begins reaching out to me, if she is ever going to / I know there are no definites with anything but...

 

Primarilly I want to know if there is a point where she is off the anger trip and willing to actually talk or when might be a time where I should raise the issue of whether this is how she wants her life to be.

 

last, Mother's day is coming up and she has organized a weekend at her hotel because she will be onsite manager for the day. It's very likely that Friday she will be with her man in what should have been my hotel bed but Sat night she will have my son for Sunday.

 

I had already thought about sending her flowers to her office then I found an e-mail between her and EA and things crashed. As mentioned I know she loves me ( not in love ) and I know she feels guilt. I am pondering sending the flowers to her office on Friday, not as a this is your loving husband but rather " you are a wonderful mother " because she is. It's not about me or her but about our baby boy. I also want her to put them in her room and maybe remind her of what could have been. Also to remind her of the kind man that lives in the body of mine.

 

Should I do the flowers. even though I plan on continuing the NC ? If she is reacting the opposite that I am moving on, getting a life and refusing to engage with her in any conversation and is rejecting it, is this possible to break down over time or if after two weeks of this and she has withdrawn even more than she is now, do I see this as a sign that it's over ?

 

Thank you all.

[frenchmanfl]

ps...at what point can I approach her nicely and ask her how serious her relationship is with this guy ? She will likely lie but...is there a point where I need to do this ? She will likely lie and lie but is there a point at which she will no longer lie and fess up at which point I know it's over ? I still love this woman deeply and am very scared but....

[frenchmanfl]

sorry one last one...I have been told that in order to reach some closure at some point so this doesn't drag on indefinitely, it is necessary for me to give my wife a deadline...when should I do this ? Do I set it now that she has moved out or do I wait a week after NC or 1 month ? I know it depends on how long I am willing to wait but if she doesn't have a deadline then she could think she is going to be able to get away with it forever. It's possible that when I do offer the dealing she will finally admit her affair and say " its over for good " right then and there.

 

Advice please...thank you

[frenchmanfl]

Does anyone know if the initial reaction by the cheater, to the spouses NC strategy to get angry herself ? Kind of a " oh yeah i'll show you " ? Is there a point in even the hardest heart ( one that did love you to the end of the earth ) to turn...or if her immediate reaction is to exactly the same thing and be even colder, is this a sign that it's done ?

[jstobo]

frenchmanfl, sorry you are going through this. I can relate. I made all the mistakes, after finding out about my Wife's EA, for 6 months. Begged, pleaded, cried.... Finally a week ago, I decided to go LC. We have an 8 year old and 6 year old. I should say, 4 weeks ago, I stopped begging, pleading and crying. All I was, was a great caring friend. A week ago, I realized that was effing me up, so I went LC.

 

She definitely noticed the change. She became emotional when she had to see me. Her e-mail or texts with the kids started to include things other than the kids.

 

So, to your questions. There is no timeline here. Go LC. Only text or e-mail about your son or finances. NOTHING ELSE!! As far as a deadline goes, your divorce is the deadline. If she starts having second thoughts, you will see a behavioral change. If she is happy with her decision, than in time you will get stronger and stronger since you started LC. Meet with a lawyer. Start doing things that assume you will get divorced. Don't get scared about that, because it takes about 9 months to finalize assuming you agree with everything. Don't ever ask about her EA. It doesn't matter because all it will do is give you pain. Assume the worst in your mind. This way, you'll be able to get stronger each day accepting that as a reality. Believe me, it will bother her if you never ask about it.

 

When she gives you breadcrumbs, just take them as that. My Wife gave me a breadcrumb a couple of days ago. I took 3 steps back because of it. It could be more than a breadcrumb, but until she says I want to reconcile, its just a breadcrumb. Basically the breadcrumb was asking if I would go to dinner with her if she set it up. I answered yes. That was two days ago. She hasn't scheduled it or said anything about what she wants to talk about. I haven't asked. I'm still LC.

 

Stay strong. Each day will get a little better.

[frenchmanfl]

Thank you jstobo, because I was ready to e-mail her and ask if she really loved him ? Despite everything the only proof I have was one e-mail where he was doing most of the talking. The only thing negative she did in her e-mail was say " I love you " She said that he was pursuing her hard, his girl broke up with him and he was enamoured. I have no other proof !

 

those breadcrumbs...we are waiting for new on a house closing ( how's that for miserable )...she sent me an e-mail yesterday saying...our processor was going on vacation wtf / then she started rattling off all of the things that " we " were going to do in the house, replace this wall here, replace the air conditioner and so...talking as though we weren't even living in separate places.

 

I have said in a previous post that she loves family my wife, she has been distraught that up til now so many things prevented us from getting a house because she got laid off from her job 3 days before the bank called to verify her employment. So we are about to possibly finally get the root in our new city and I know she dreams of fixing it up and could possibly be dreaming about her family in it.

 

Why on earth does she keep talking about " us " and what " we " are going to do in the new house ?

 

I have told her repeatedly that many statistics show that people who get through this the hardest of marital crises that they can grow into the most beautiful relationships. This all, of course, my decision 3 days ago to heed everyone's advice.

 

She did the same thing in an e-mail this morning. Tonight is the first night with an arranged " free night for me " where she has my beautiful boy. She knows I am going out, because I can't sit home. She might even know because she read the e-mail to that girl i mentioned.

 

So she rattles off next weeks schedule with my son and then says " if you go out tonight, be careful with the drinking and driving ". I know it's not " I love you " but I believe it might have been a prod to see if I would mention that i was going out.

 

She also mentioned she was going to spend tonight with her Father ( she has made before we seperated made a great deal of effort to keep me informed of her whereabouts. Why she felt the need today is beyond me...why bother ?

 

I didn't address it at all...my response was " ok with everything below " and that was it.

 

I suspect that the mystery thing is kicking in. It will be interesting to see if she touches base in the am ( she will have my son until 4pm ) to ask about my night. Maybe she won't give a crap. I do believe that she is enamored with EA but I also know she knows this is not the guy who will be the next one. He 30 lives with roomates..she does not look at this guy as the next one, she wouldn't dare bring him to the parents.

 

Why would she bother with all of this " our house " " going to my Dad's tonight ( meanwhile it's the night she has our son so I don't take much comfort ) Careful with drinking and driving " Why bother ?

 

Thank you jstobo, you stopped me from asking if she loved this guy. I need to persevere, but it's so hard when you love someone this much.

 

I suspect I will be on this site a lot...

[jstobo]

I know you love her man. You probably feel like you love her more now than you ever have. It's normal. What you're doing is perfect. She could be saying the things she is saying in her e-mails because she is guilty, unsure or knows this separation is temporary. Let her figure it out. When my Wife was about to move out, she said things like "don't lease another place for more than 6 months" or "when you spend the night" etc. etc. I should have taken those as signs she was thinking reconciliation or she wasn't sure at all. Well I acted more like "all or nothing." "If you're going to move out, than I'm going to do what I want to do." So reconciliation talk stopped soon after. If I had worked with her, maybe I'd be in a different place now. I will never know.

 

Let her figure this out. In the meantime, move on with your life. Wake up each day accepting the reality of your Wife never coming back to you. I am not telling you there is no hope. I'm simply telling you to think that way, so you can heal faster.

 

From what you posted, she didn't say anything about living in the house together. Only doing things to the house. Don't read into those comments too much. As far as the drinking and driving thing, you're still her son's father, so no matter what happens, she will be concerned for your safety. Also, just because she has left and is having an EA, it doesn't mean it won't sting when she knows you're out with another woman. That also DOES NOT MEAN she wants to get back together.

 

Everything you have posted so far are breadcrumbs. Unless it's "I made a mistake, I want to reconcile," it doesn't mean anything and it is a breadcrumb. Stay strong. You are doing this right so far!!

[frenchmanfl]

thank you jtsobo, it's taking all the strength i have to e-mail her and say " should I just give up on this ? " Please look out for me in the future because I need friends like yo u

[frenchmanfl]

last question jtsoto, this issue of flowers on Mothers day...this is not about us but rather my appreciation of her as a Mother to my son, plus is it not wise to remind her that this guy over there is actually a better catch. You know Ea is not going to do anything but likely leech off of her if she allows him on the property. It will shock her. before we had our final seperation ( a couple of weeks again, ) she actually called me all excited about the fact that she was getting Mothers day weekend at her hotel what we were going to do that Sunday...I want her to at least think that life could be good with me..let me know

[jstobo]

I have the same issue. I'm taking my kids to a place where they can make her a gift. These gifts will come from the kids. She is their mother and she deserves to be acknowledged for that. Like your son, my kids are too young to do that on their own. So the honorable thing to do is make sure the kids have something for their mother. But there will not be a gift from me. Period! Worse yet, our anniversary is a few days before that. Again, unless we reconcile in the next week, there will not be a gift from me or an acknowledgement. An anniversary is a celebration of your marriage and at this moment we are getting a divorce. Nothing to celebrate there.

[frenchmanfl]

the plan i had though was to send her a bouquet of flowers with my sons signature and for them to arrive Friday in her office. Too pathetic I know, will have to find some other idea. I had that all planned to be such a beautiful moment then i finally have confirm of EA with a sneak e-mail.

 

I have worked myself up now and want to just tell her " I am done I want a divorce " but I have to let this LC ride a little longer, because I am not far from it.

 

When were like this we forget there is a whole world of women out there and I am pretty good looking guy fit etc. Unfortunately I don't think, while pretty, that the girl I am meeting is my type and I will not hurt someone for my own gains ( rebound ).

 

Be in touch again. Wouldn't mind having some of a more direct e-mail session with as I may never find you in here I will keep an eye on your name and you on mine sounds like we both in the same boat but that i am catching up to in the sanity dept.

 

Hate this !

[frenchmanfl]

Hey again jsoto, forgive me but promise last one...in the description of your situation you say that your wife is in an EA, not a PA. I have no proof of a PA...I could almost deal with an EA if I knew that it was never consumated but what are the odds of that when it's in already 6 months or more territory. Now they are living in the same apt, with roomates but to their own devices.

 

I did ask and she screamed at me saying " NO WAY " but I don't trust her as far as i could throw her.

 

How are you on this issue ? If your wife's turns to a PA do you force it out of her and say...that was the straw that broke it and file for divorce ?

[jstobo]

I have no proof the EA turned into a PA. There aren't any signs leading me to believe it did. I just have my mind programmed to think it did, to make it easier if I do get proof. We've been in separate homes for nearly two months, so if she wanted to be with him, she would be. I just don't think our break was really about another man. It may have been what got her to realize we had serious problems, but she didn't leave me for someone else. No, it wouldn't be a deal breaker if I found out it turned physical. I have to own the reasons she was driven to another man. What matters the most is today, tomorrow and the future. She is living her life without me right now. She is either going to like it or not. Time will tell. You will see me on here. I am in the middle of this thing right now and find strength through LS. I have a thread I started in February that is still going.

 

DO NOT SEND HER FLOWERS!!!!!!

[frenchmanfl]

Thank sir, I am going to need your strength because right now I am seething and simply want to send her an e-mail saying...I can't love a whore who would bang and fall in love with such a loser...I have more details to add about this guy that could not be further than what I EVER saw her with. The solace I take right now is that she certainly didn't leave me for a better man.

 

However, without ever having proof, I am letting go. problem is that until this house is decided on, I am in the house we rented and she is down in the frat house. Another problem is that I have to deal with my son playing with this ass.

 

She will have to beg me to come back, so I am done. Who knows tomorrow I might be in a different mood, but I really am tired of this crap, even if I contributed to this. This is a guy she won't even bring to her Father's.

 

Anyway, venting.

 

may I ask how much it cost you to get a lawyer ? There is an online DIY thing that cost $ 300 or something like that. I want nothing but 50% custody of my son. She can have it all, i want a fresh start. We have a house in AZ, that I spent 4 months packing up while she was down here meeting this ass that we weren't able to sell. She can have and let her deal with the renter's problems etc.

 

I want to weigh her down with everything, because she has failed to see how much I actually did in this marriage that was good. No one is going to think of it as weighing her down because how selfless is it for me to give her everything, all property everything ?

 

I so want to throw it in her face ( remember just 2weeks ago my heart ached to be with her to hold her, make love to her.

 

Another thing is that until the deal is sealed, I can't really see anyone myself, I have to sit here and not fulfill my needs.

 

Sorry sir, I am so f'in angry.

 

I will look you up and we should talk more. I wish you continued strength with your situation. i am so sorry that you too are suffering as I am. I am better than this, no matter what I did in the past.

 

Talk soon and have a great evening kind sir. Divorced man, never thought i would ever be in the arena.