Argentina Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 I keep pinching myself everyday hoping i will wake up from this nightmare, but I don't think I ever will. A 10 year marriage in which I have dealt with verbal abuse, physical abuse, threats, a suicidal, emotional wreck of a husband. Years and years of arguing, counsellors, therapists etc. Finally 2 months ago my husband is diagnosed with Aspergers. A developmental disorder on the austism spectrum. This totally explains our years of communication difficulties, his strange behaviour and meltdowns. We have 2 children, son age 7, daughter age 10. Son also displays behaviour that we are awaiting investigation for. As my husband has got older his symptoms have become more apparent as he struggles to deal with the demands of growing independent children, work and family life demands. As a result he has become depressed and is currently on medication. There have been work issues and he is now only working minimal hours per week. In order to prevent him having a meltdown and potentially becoming abusive, he needs to have his days well structured and not overloaded. This has improved family day-to-day relationships massively. (eg: less arguments) However, I don't feel there is anything in life for me to look forward to. And yes....... maybe I do sound selfish I put in full-time work hours per week and study to gain further qualifications which will improve my earnings. My husband takes care of the cooking and washing and domestic cleaning. Everything else I do - finances, household DIY, gardening, arranging appointments and social stuff, kids school commitments and homework, shopping, holidays, emotionally supporting the family. My husband has no vision for the future. he will happily carry out tasks that I ask him to do, but he cannot be proactive. he has no career goals or motivation to obtain or improve qualifications. he does not know how to interact with a daughter who is nearing teenage years nor does he discipline stategically. In fact, he argues like one of the kids do. While I am worrying about paying the electricity bill, he is reiterating to me for the 20th time that week how much Sylvester Stallone weighs (this is part of his condition). He does not deliberately mean to dismiss issues of importance. He is off in his own world of his favourite interests. I suffer from anxiety attacks, slightly high blood pressue and have lengthy episodes of heart palpitations. No heart problems have been identified as yet. A social outing with my family is a tense time for me and i cannot recall ever having a family outing whereby the day was not ruined by either my husband or my son having a temper tantrum of some description. My 7 year old is violent and verbally abusive towards me and his sister. My children swear at each other constantly. I have tried everything I know to control this language. i am embarrassed in public by the behaviour of my family when they all start yelling at each other. I feel like I want to walk out on all of them. it is not humanly possible for me to do everything. my father lives overseas and visits once a year and ends up giving me lectures on how dysfunctional they all are and that my son needs a firm hand. my mother does her best to provide emotional support, but she even she says on occasions that it really would be best if my husband did just commit suicide. she reckons the kids would be better off. My son has attention problems at school, although he does get on with other children OK. His problems may be more ADHD. Well meaning friends ask me "how do you do it?" It's difficult explaining to people that the reason my husband is yelling is because there is an extra tea towel in the kitchen that was not there 1 hour ago and he does not know where it come from and which one he should be using ! It sounds ridiculous, but it is what my life is like on a daily basis. And that sort of scenario is something i would consider mild. The truth is I feel like I am the "odd one out" in this family. I have standards, expectations and understand how to behave in various situations. My husband and my son do not. My daughter, although very mature for her age, will lose it with her brother when he starts behaving badly. I try to explain how I feel about all this and my husband completely "loses it" at me, calling me names in front of our children. Of course, 1 hour later he is acting like nothing happened. I wish I could be one of these caring, empathetic, martyr type people whom just dote on their family. But I am not and never will be. I am struggling to see the positive in our family unit.
hellon Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 You definitely do not sound selfish- it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and from what I know about Asbergers, it is challenging for anyone to live with someone who has a condition like that, particularly when you have a family to raise. It's unfortunate that some of your family members and friends don't understand it, either. I would definitely try to educate them as much as possible, and keep asking for support and help from wherever you can, professional and otherwise. I know it's hard to do, but focus on the positives and the possibilities. And maybe if anything, be a little more selfish? If there's any way you can carve out some time for yourself, to do whatever you want with, do it.
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