MonkeyHarris Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 I have been with my girlfriend for about 5 months now and it has been something of an emotional rollercoaster. She said from the outset that she wanted to be totally open with me from the beginning and told me about her 5 previous sexual partners. To be honest I wasnt sure how to take this as in previous relationships sexual pasts have rarely if ever been discussed other than very broadly. But I thought well at least I will know everything .. no suprises to bite me further into the relationship. She made a big thing out of saying she had not been with anybody since her last relationship broke up. She is very strong about honesty and told me about some abuses she suffered as a child at the hands of a relative which if anything brought out my protective side and drew me closer to her. Following the breakup of her last relationship last year she shared a house with a friend of shall we say slacker morals and used to go out with this friend regularly. I asked her about whether or not she had slept around during this time as her friend certainly did. She said the thought of one night stands disgusted her and the most she had ever done was a kiss at the bar with a fella she met. During a lunch conversation this week she let slip that when she was drunk she met a fella in a bar, took him back to her place and slept with him. This knocked me sideways, it was a while before we met and I know you're going to say why would this bother me if it was before me but its the fact thats she is so adamant about telling me the everything about her and no lies within the relationship then I found out that she had lied, not only about not sleeping with anyone since the breakup of her last relationship but it was during a one night stand which was supposed to disgust her. When we 'discussed' this she said because of her abuses she has learnt to lock certain experiences away so she never thinks of them and that this is one of those experiences and so she never considered it when she was telling me about her past, but I dont know what to think. How many more things are locked in there that may slip out again. She says she really doesnt want to discuss it any further as it will unlock some awful memories about her abuse but I dont know now whether to believe anything she says. I have not pushed it as it upsets her and I think she has had more than enough upset in her life but my mind is racing now. Thoughts ?
Bryanp Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 It sounds like she is a fraud. You caught her in a big lie. She claims to have this certain persona and you find out it was a lie. If she did it once the chances are pretty good it was not the only time. When she is confronted with a lie she says it is locked away and she does not want to talk about it? Look she hung up with a slutty friend who engaged in one night stands. She makes a big deal telling you she only kissed a guy at a bar when she went bar hopping with this friend and would never engage in such behavior. She now lets slip she brought one of these guys home and banged him for a one night stand. What does this tell you? I would not believe anything she says since she now has no credibility at all.
stace79 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 Normally I would say it shouldn't matter because it was before you got together, but yes, the fact that SHE brought up her whole sexual history and made a big deal out of "openness" and "honesty", and then you find this out... it's a huge red flag to me, too. Everybody screws up and makes mistakes, but if she wanted to share her whole history, then that means the WHOLE history. Makes me wonder if she's really all that honest or just wanted you to think that she is....
Kelemort Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Normally I would say it shouldn't matter because it was before you got together, but yes, the fact that SHE brought up her whole sexual history and made a big deal out of "openness" and "honesty", and then you find this out... it's a huge red flag to me, too. Everybody screws up and makes mistakes, but if she wanted to share her whole history, then that means the WHOLE history. Makes me wonder if she's really all that honest or just wanted you to think that she is.... I agree. If she's going to share it, share all of it or don't share anything. My boyfriend knows that I had oral sex with my ex, but that's it and that's the entire truth, and that's how it should stay.
Author MonkeyHarris Posted April 30, 2011 Author Posted April 30, 2011 (edited) Thanks to all who replied, I dont really have anyone I can discuss this with on an impartial basis so your views are invaluable. After pressing her last night, she told me she had also had another 1 night stand in February last year so its not an isolated incident but she assures me that is it. She's right in the fact that she says she wasnt with anybody at the time and so she hadnt done anything wrong (other than 'overlook' them in her recall of her sexual history) but because her credibility has been undermined so Im not evenl sure she wouldnt have a one nighter when she goes out with her friend even though she is with me. Edited April 30, 2011 by MonkeyHarris
vsmini Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 She sounds like an emotional disaster. Often people who are dishonest make an upfront show about how honest they want to be so their honesty never gets questioned again and hoping it will always be assumed they are honest. Too soon for all this odd behavior. Major red flag. It's also my experience that girls like this are "oversharers" for manipulative reasons. Don't try to fix her. Girl has to fix herself and it shouldn't be on your watch.
Trojan John Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 I've never understood why men get so hung up their girlfriend's past. Honestly... who cares? What does it matter whom she slept with before you? She told you, granted not at once, of her past sexual history when she could have just as well kept it from you altogether. Still, what does it matter? Unless she's virus ridden or into some weird fetish stuff that you don't like -- or it's simply because she is like an emotional rollercoaster that bothers you, just let it go.
DollyGirl12 Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 I can understand where you're coming from. She definitely has some problems and she needs to see someone. I would be extremely leery of moving forward with someone who tells the truth in bits or pieces, or you find out in other ways. To be quite honest with you I have to say that the one thing I have learned is that those who profess how much something disgusts them, or go out of their way to convince you they are a certain way, usually are not. My ex was exactly this way. Right from the beginning of our relationship he made a big deal about telling me about his ex girlfriend, how she cheated on him. How he really didn't have alot of sex partners, etc. And so much more. He professed honesty and trust and did not like dishonest people. I learned the VERY hard way that he was exactly the opposite. He spent over 4 years on/off with his previous girlfriend and he was wooing other women the whole time he was with her. He was hooking up behind her back, while professing his love to her. I learned most of this afterwards when I caught him doing the same thing behind my back. This is a guy I would have NEVER guessed was this way. And then the lies, little lies, big lies, always trying to make himself look better to others. Just be cautious when you find someone is lying right from the beginning.
Author MonkeyHarris Posted April 30, 2011 Author Posted April 30, 2011 Thank again for your views, all, much appreciated. What do you think to her assertian that she wasnt lying when she didnt include the one night encounters (2 of them) which were during a difficult time in her life and so unimportant to her that she didnt think to include them in her 'tally' of men she had slept with. A crock or a possibility ??
Author MonkeyHarris Posted April 30, 2011 Author Posted April 30, 2011 Yep, guess I just didnt want to face it.
Richard Friedman Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Why do guys insist on dating emotionally damaged people? Why add unnecessary complication to your life when there are plenty of normal, well-adjusted people your age?
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