Paying up? Who is in the wrong?

[Miss_G]

I have a rocky relationship with a friend. In a nutshell, 5 years ago I confessed to her that I was in love with my best friend. She subsequently slept with him that evening. She lied about this for years. I went on to have a 4 year relationship with ex and we have a child. It played on my mind alot as my ex admitted it was true, friend said it was not. I didn't know who to trust. Eventually she told me that it was true and I learnt that she'd been gloating about her lying to me.

Anyway, I don't have a perfect friendship to her and my loyality is limited. However, we get on well when we try not to be too close and it's important to have a large group of friends. She's part of my intimate group so to fall out with her would separate the group.

Two weeks ago we went on a night out to a quiz. I went with her and another friend. They were drinking (as was I) and were messing with her camera taking pictures of themselves. They'd done this all evening and I had effectively done the quiz myself and was in the process of marking someone elses (you pay this quiz and win a big prize, it is a big deal to some...not us though!). My friend thrust her camera in my face and asked me to take a picture of her and my other friend. I had a pen and paper in hand and was tempted to ask her to wait. But she was shoving it at me that to shut her up I grabbed it from her. The lens was out and she handed it to me in the wrong way so I had to attempt to turn the camera whilst juggling the pen. It slipped from my hand and hit the floor. As a result the lens bent. I apologised profusely but before I knew it my OTHER friend was in my face saying (not aggressively) "when she broke my camera she paid for it so you should pay for hers!" I struggle for money as it is, I couldn't afford to pay for a brand new camera when it was an accident! After feeling cornered I offered to help her towards a new one and that was that.

I heard nothing until I get a text yesterday nicely asking for £60 for a brand new camera. I was gobsmacked! I told her I didn't have that kind of money to give her. She said it was fine and she would 'wait' until I did. I told her straight I could give her £20 (which I can't really afford either!) She became shirty and demanded it the next day. I got angry by now. I had offered help in a situation I don't particularly feel I should be paying for. After all, she ASKED me to take a picture, I didn't ask to borrow the camera and I wasn't messing taking photos of myself. SHE chose to take an expensive camera on a busy night out. And SHE gave the camera in a situation were I was already flustered. I'm not pinning all the blame on her but surely it is her responsibility as the camera is her property. I offered to pay towards as an element of the break was obviously my fault.

But then I start receiving texts saying she has not MIRACULOUSLY found a £40 camera and wants the £40 in 'installments' as she had paid for a friend's camera when she dropped hers (she was drunk on a night out...I was not drunk). I stuck by my £20. I found a £25 camera and offered to buy that one for her then she had one for work and she could save a new one. Then I had replaced her old one with a less quality one and she could buy a brand new expensive one when she had the money. But I had at least replaced the old one with what I could afford.

This wasn't good enough. She now wanted £30 and demanded that if not more. It became heated (via text) and before I know it she was hurling insults like "you go out lots...you obviously have money!" I stressed this is money I have worked for and I use my wages to pay for my son and then, with what is left, I can afford to enjoy some myself. Whatever was left from that I could afford to perhaps give her and £20 was all. I refuse to bankrupt myself helping out a friend in a situation that I am being solely blamed for! I didn't even asked her to take the camera out!! I don't take a camera out for that reason.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable or is she? Would you do the same with a friend? She says that because I won't help her when she is low on money (she has a full-time, well paid for job...I have a part-time, reasonably paid job) that I am being a bad friend in not helping. I just feel like she is trying to grab as much money out of me as she can. I just hope it doesn't cause a void in our group as I stand to lose friends from this!

[doubtfulwonder]

I just want to make sure - the best friend you confessed about to her that she slept with, was this your ex or another guy? But regardless, she does not sound like much of a friend at all! I wouldn't trust her whatsoever. You found out, and she kept lying for the longest time before she finally admitted. On top of it, she gloated about it.

 

Do you know how many friends from your intimate group actually do like her? She seems pretty awful and uses others for her personal gain. You have to ask yourself, are they really 'friends'?

 

It was an honest mishap that the camera fell. Not like you purposely threw it to the ground and damaged it. She shouldn't have forced it on you to begin with while you were busy. It sounds like just the lens was damaged also and not the whole camera. Can it be repaired?

 

I too feel like she's trying to get as much out of you as possible and guilt trip you in the process. You have offered to help already...and within the means you are able to since money is tight.

 

If you ever hang out with her again, I think it should be a big group setting, if anything. Not just her and one or two other people. But personally I would stay away from her as much as possible...especially because of her lies about the guy. She is NO friend.

[carhill]

Considering all the factors, I'd not pay and ditch the 'friend' permanently. She probably spends more a week on booze than that camera costs. Telling.

 

I think your offer to pay for half of a comparable replacement was fair. She doesn't get to upgrade on your nickel. Her subsequent demeanor was the impetus of my advice to pull the ejection handle. Move on.