Vitai Slade Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 My girlfriend just recently broke up with me about a month ago. Our story is a bit unique as we originally met four years ago, had a 'fling' (even though she was in a relationship), and then soon after, she broke contact with me completely, running back to her man. It confused me why she ran back to him as our 'fling' was based on real love, not just a 'settling' like she had done with him. In January of this year, we suddenly came back into contact and all of those amazing feelings returned full force. I found out that her man had been abusing her badly and I offered her a place to go to get out. Not only that, but I offered her the opportunity to be with me... regaining the lost opportunity of the past. She stayed with me for two months and everything was fantastic. The sex was great, the companionship was great, everything was absolutely wonderful in my eyes. I payed special attention to her at every given moment, made sure she was always happy, I did everything I could to be everything she could possibly desire. Apparently I did too much. She gave me her reasons for breaking up with me: I was clingy, unstable emotionally, had no ambitions or goals (I'm 21 and a waiter at a restaurant with no schooling....yet), co-dependent, lazy, pushy, emotionally draining, with a low sense of self-esteem and self worth, etc. etc. etc. She said that she loved who I was deep down. During the whole of the relationship, she couldn't stop saying that she couldn't believe how lucky she was to have me, etc. etc. I don't know what caused this big 'flip' in her mood, but something happened. She said she needed time and space, but after she broke up with me, I clung to her harder. She said that the relationship was salvageable after the breakup, that she just needed time, but I was stupid and impatient and didn't know how to give that when my heart reached out for her every moment. She said my clinginess and pushiness made the relationship toxic and that she couldn't even have a friendship with me anymore because she knew I'd always push for more with her. I've wanted this girl for four years... and once I got her, I had two months. That's all I was worth. She didn't want to wait for me to change my clinginess or co-dependency, though through the breakup, I've done a fabulous job fixing it. Still she says that I have no shot with her. Ever. I just don't understand why. The issues she had with me were fixable... and I can fix them in time. I didn't abuse her, I didn't cheat. I treated her like a Goddess, if anything. Sure, I plead and was rather pathetic during the breakup, but isn't everyone when they are losing someone so important to them? I see myself as someone that any girl would kill over. I know I'm attractive, I've built my personality around being a very caring, attentive guy that LISTENS to his partner. I fight to keep her, I'm romantic and good in bed. My core values involve love... I just don't understand why she would run away from that? I did everything I could to make her the happiest woman alive, but she says that a relationship doesn't work just because you love someone. I don't get it. >.<
smudge21 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 It's not you, it's her. Something in her past or whatever (no one knows but her) stops her from being close to people who treat her properly and with consideration and love. I've met girls like this before. They too have been in abusive relationships. I too found it so odd that they would chose to look elsewhere rather than me, sometimes even going back to the abusive ex. Call it low self esteem, committment issues, insecurities, problems as a child... there's any number of reasons. I also thought I could change them, make them better, but you can only help people who want to be helped. Some times these people either have to work through their own problems, or often just stay where they are and never get past them. Either way, there's nothing you or I can do. Which I know can be hard. My first ever true love chose a guy that showed his love with his fists, if you know what I mean. Yet she still chose him over me. That was many years ago now and I do know that she has a better life now. I had to give up on that one as it was destroying me and I was only young. I wish I could tell you what to do here, but really there is nothing you can do. It's up to her to see her own problems and deal with them. If she asks for your help, then fair enough, but until then you need to back off and let her decide what she really wants. I would suggest telling her how you feel in a letter - not a "I want you back" letter, more a goodbye letter. Just make it clear and then at least she knows. Sadly being the good guy does often mean you lose out - but never take that as an indication that you should change. There's plenty of girls out there who are desperate to meet a good guy, but I know right now you're only interested in one girl.
GrayClouds Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 (edited) Sorry about your loss. Your a fixer, while she is avoider. She needed a fixer so she could continue to avoid her problems and you was happier to be that person. It made you feel need and loved. After you fixed her problems she had less need for you and you felt abandoned so you got clingy and then you become her problem and she had to leave to avoid her problem. Now it time to use your skills to fix you. Find out what make yourself happy and figure why feeling needed feels like love to you (hint #1 they are not always the same) (hint #2 fixers often become fixers to distract themselves from taking care of themselves). Good luck. Edited April 30, 2011 by GrayClouds
Author Vitai Slade Posted April 30, 2011 Author Posted April 30, 2011 (edited) Your a fixer, while she is avoider. She needed a fixer so she could continue to avoid her problems and you was happier to be that person. It made you feel need and loved. After you fixed her problems she had less need for you and you felt abandoned so you got clingy and then you become her problem and she had to leave to avoid her problem. The grammar in this really made me squirm while reading it, but the wisdom behind it is extraordinary. This comment really lays out EXACTLY how it was. I couldn't put it into words, but you did, and it makes perfect sense. Thank you for the comment. Really. It's made a really big impact on me. EDIT: Also, to Smudge21, your comment was also read in full and much appreciated. What you said makes sense too. She was just out of an abusive relationship and her actions match up to what you said. Thank you for laying that out for me so nicely. Edited April 30, 2011 by Vitai Slade
smudge21 Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 Glad to help Slade - good to know that what I went through, many years later may have helped someone with a similar problem. I guess things do happen for a reason. Grayclouds, that fixer/avoider statement is perfect. Met so many people like that. Very well put.
GrayClouds Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 The grammar in this really made me squirm while reading it, but the wisdom behind it is extraordinary. This comment really lays out EXACTLY how it was. I couldn't put it into words, but you did, and it makes perfect sense. Thank you for the comment. Really. It's made a really big impact on me. EDIT: Also, to Smudge21, your comment was also read in full and much appreciated. What you said makes sense too. She was just out of an abusive relationship and her actions match up to what you said. Thank you for laying that out for me so nicely. Your welcome (almost as if I knew poor grammar would make you squirm and have you really wanting to "fix" it... as if I did it on purpose...). Check out the book "No More Mr Nice Guy", 1/3 of is is BS but the other 2/3 may be insightful, just remember your fixer tendencies are good tendencies but need to be in context of and given to those who are deserving and with truly honest expectations from you .
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