breaking up with an alcoholic/porn addict. this is looong.

[lonelyandsick]

I was in a relationship for 8 months with a wonderful, funny, charming, handsome man. He was/is my best friend, and although I am a social person, I would much prefer his company to anyone else in the entire world. I am 28, and he is now 29.

 

In the beginning of our relationship I noticed his libido was low. He told me it had been a problem in other relationships. I thought, no big deal, my last relationship ended because I had a low libido. So we dated, and it was wonderful. He said he loved me first, I met his family first, he told me he was in love with me every single day and never forgot to mention how beautiful I was. We met on an online dating site, and after a few months had passed, after we had decided to become "exclusive", it began to really bother me that he didn't update his profile. I would notice that he would still log on it, and I decided to take mine down (I had changed mine to say that I was in a relationship right away). I gave it some more time, and finally after a little nagging on my part, he updated that he was in a relationship. Great, wonderful. Then more time went on, and I questioned why he was even still logging into it to begin with. One night, I got drunk with him and kind of demanded that he take it down. He did.

 

During this whole relationship, we probably only had sex 6 times in 8 months. Most of those times, it was me practically begging for it, initiating it. It wasn't great sex and felt more like he was just doing it to please me, to be honest. I missed passion, something we had very briefly in the first month or two of our relationship, and never again.

 

He drank a lot. With my help he has stopped drinking so much and has began to prioritize things in his life. I have been extremely patient and understanding with him, even though I have had my moments of meltdowns as well. I am no saint, but I was a really good girlfriend and definitely put his needs first.

 

Flash forward to this weekend. Friday morning I got denied for sex (what else is new). I dropped him off at his house, he had a flight to catch to visit his family across the country, and I had to go to work. I was to cat-sit for him that weekend, and on Saturday I did just that. I sat down, put on the TV, turned on his computer, and gave the cat some lovin'. When I opened his browser, it displays the most visited websites (if you have Google Chrome you are familiar with this). One was a porn site, and one was a girl's Facebook that i know he has previously hooked up with, years ago. In fact, I have seen her Facebook numerous times (almost obsessively) on my own laptop when I searched through the history before. I never, ever brought it up to him because I figure that everyone lurks, no big deal.

 

No big deal, until I saw that on Saturday. I have been bringing up with him my dissatisfaction with our sex life and he promised to try to stop looking at porn and masturbating in order to satisfy my needs. I was ecstatic when he said that, it meant he truly wanted to help and fix our issues! Well, when I saw the porn it made me worried. It made me suspicious, and as a woman who is not getting sex for 8 months, it will make you wonder what on earth he is getting off to. So I snooped. I looked in the internet history, and sure enough, right after I dropped him off Friday he went immediately to looking at tons of porn, and tons of ex flings (ex girlfriends photos, especially modeling ones and pictures of them in bathing suits, etc. gross.), simultaneously. So clearly he was getting off to these women, while dismissing my needs completely. I would be perfectly fine with sex 1x a week, and that is something that he could not handle. Believe it or not, an excuse he frequently gave me was that he was "lazy". I am an attractive, fit woman. This whole situation has now given me a huge complex and I feel so unattractive and unwanted.

 

I was livid. Absolutely out of my mind livid. I decided I would try and wait for him to get back from his trip before I addressed it with him. I wanted to talk in person and really express the reasons I was angry and hurt. Then he appears on my IM chat list. I try to have a normal conversation with him, but end up bluring out what I discovered. I was not very nice, and I'm ashamed of how I dealt with this situation. But I was extremely hurt and frustrated, and have a bad habit of reacting with my emotions rather than taking a step back, when I am wronged.

 

He got LIVID that I would "invade his privacy like that". He told me I was a teenage girlfriend and that he would never date anyone who did anything like that. I said good, I would never date anyone who prefers pictures of old flings to their flesh and blood girlfriend, who they "love". The convo ended badly, as you can imagine. I really resented what I had found and how he had dealt with my confrontation, and I began to box up everything of his (he stays here a lot, he doesn't live here but might as well) and decided to bring it all to his apartment the next morning while he was still out of town.

 

I still felt horrible about how I ended things. That is not how I wanted things to go about. I tried calling him, no answer. I decided to sit down and write a letter (email). It ended up being six long paragraphs, and it was very understanding and compassionate, I feel. (I would send the email in a PM if anyone wants to evaluate it for me, honestly). I then waited. And waited. And he never contacted me.

 

Yesterday I got sick of waiting, because we still have some things we need to swap (house keys, a cell phone, etc.) and I IMed him. He was not happy, and we got into it again. He called referred to me as a c*nt and told me to f*ck off. I told him I'd call today about swapping the stuff, he said fine. Talk to me then. Well, I called today and guess what? No answer.

 

I don't want to keep pestering him. He has many issues he needs to work out and I would absolutely love to help him with them, if he would let me. I wasn't raised to abandon someone who has problems, but his problems were really beginning to effect me in a negative way.

 

We originally met on that dating website, and I have been lurking and discovered that he already reinstated his account today, and has been messaging women (there is an indicator that shows how active they are on the site, with writing and responding to emails, etc. I just cannot believe he a) didn't apologize for any of the trouble he's put me through during all of this and b) is so ready to find a new woman!! it's like I'm completely replaceable.

 

I know I was the dumper, but I am devastated over the loss of this man, and this relationship. We were two peas in a pod, and I really cannot imagine doing my day-to-day activities without him. I'm really, really, really, sad.

 

**I forgot to mention that early on, he had made a comment about when he was a teenager, he had a porn addiction. I can't help but wonder if it never really went away. Even when we did have intercourse, it seemed like he had a hard time climaxing.

 

I pray he never, ever finds this post. I guess I'm just looking for acknowledgement that I really did try everything possible to make this work, and I shouldn't feel so badly for ending it how I did. Because I really feel totally down in the muck awful. I confided in my mother, who told me to email him 10x confessing my love for him, but I figure that's the wrong way to go about this.

 

I have not been able to sleep, eat, or do much of anything besides force myself to go to work. I have been sitting in my bedroom, with no TV or music on, just searching break up sites. I posted on another one too, in case this looks familiar. I'm just at rock bottom.

[reallyconfused2542]

sorry to hear about your pain. i knew a guy like that before, had a hot young girlfriend and when she would come home and want to have sex he would have already taken care of himself with porn and left her high and dry. needless to say they split