The other side of being left

[hope224]

Long story short:

Am married, was unhappy, met a man, fell in love, had amazing relationship, I separated, still amazing relationship, out of the blue he tells me that he can't do it anymore-this isn't a healthy relationship and he can't be the other person anymore-tells me to let him know when I get divorced, thought long and hard, filed for divorce, called him up to let him know-he was really happy to hear from me-almost seemed like normal, next day he tells me he doesn't want to make any promises and is scared that this will always be between us-doesn't know if he could start over, I asked him to keep an open mind, he told me to let him know when divorce is final, here we are 3 weeks later.....NC. What do you think? Do you think he would give me another chance after the D is final?

[whichwayisup]

Nope. Not until you can respect him and leave him alone for a while and work on yourself. Be alone, get out of the affair dynamic. Learn to be independant without any man in your life.

 

Do you have children? If so, this probably is weighing in his mind too.

[hope224]

No, no children. Can you elaborate on what you mean by respecting him? I thought I was by not contacting him until it was final. What do you think being by myself and all that is going to do regarding his feelings? I love him and all I've ever wanted was to be with him and give him what he deserves. He felt very strongly about me too, and I could tell that he still loved me when we talked last. I think he is scared but I am not sure how to relieve him of his fears.

[whichwayisup]

No, no children. Can you elaborate on what you mean by respecting him? I thought I was by not contacting him until it was final. What do you think being by myself and all that is going to do regarding his feelings? I love him and all I've ever wanted was to be with him and give him what he deserves. He felt very strongly about me too, and I could tell that he still loved me when we talked last. I think he is scared but I am not sure how to relieve him of his fears.

 

You cannot end a marriage, get divorced and then start a new life with someone else so quickly. It's unfair to him, and unfair to you. You may not see this now, but you DO need to grieve the life you used to share with your husband. Say goodbye to inlaws, sort stuff out when it comes to finances, the house, tell friends, neighbours..etc..etc.. It's still a loss.

 

Being by yourself isn't about HIM, it's about YOU. To learn to stand on your own two feet. To find "you" again and just be.

 

Also, HE is may have trust issues because you cheated on your H with him. The man you said vows to, you cheated on...Lied and manipulated, betrayed. Hope this makes sense to you.

 

Just be honest with him and take thing SLOWLY. On his terms, don't push.

 

Show him in actions that you are working on you (you should do some counselling) and get out of the affair dynamic. You casually date him, start over. Don't pick up where you left off.

[whichwayisup]

I just hope you're divorcing for yourself and not for him. This could be one thing that is freaking him out.

 

You should be OK with him in your life or not, meaning, you'd be divorcing reguardless if he was waiting for you or not.

 

There's always a chance he could change his mind and not want a relationship with you at all. If that happens, you need to respect that and be okay alone.

[hope224]

I know it is my fault that our relationship started this way. But we really connect/work well together/are happy when we are with one another (and we were together after I had moved out so we did see the day to day life with one another), and I am scared that a chance at this potentially great relationship could have been lost. I understand all the other things you've said, and agree with them. I guess I just want some hope that all is not lost with him.

[carrie999]

I just hope you're divorcing for yourself and not for him. This could be one thing that is freaking him out.

 

You should be OK with him in your life or not, meaning, you'd be divorcing reguardless if he was waiting for you or not.

 

There's always a chance he could change his mind and not want a relationship with you at all. If that happens, you need to respect that and be okay alone.

 

I agree with every word of this. I'm on the other side, and my initial thought while reading your post was that it's great that you left him alone and respected his wishes to wait to contact him until you were really single again.

 

However, the reality of you leaving your husband must weigh on OM. If I wasn't sure MM left for himself and was willing to be alone, I'd be afraid that he left only under the assumption that I was there waiting for him. You need to again respect his wishes by giving him time to process and believe that you're really ready to be with him. And you can't say honestly that you are ready until you take your own time to process. I'm basically reiterating what WWIU said, but not as eloquently.

[Gentlegirl]

Hi,

You lover sounds to me as though he has a rational mind and is considering all aspects of the situation.

 

He might be thinking that you cheated to be with him and wondering if you would do it again. I am not bashing you.... that's what I thought about my xMM.

 

Perhaps he is thinking somewhere in the future you might blame him for the divorce, or that he is bearing some guilt towards your husband.

 

Divorce doesn't magically wipe out an entire past. You marriage has been part of you, whether it was good or bad. The emotional fall out might surprise you later on. It will take time to get over it.

 

I think your lover is trying to put some boundaries around himself for protection. YOu could respect him by not trying to trample on his boundaries. Tell him what you are doing and say that you still want him if he still feels the same after you are divorced. Don't divorce for him...do it for your own happiness.

 

I think he is being sensible and protecting himself from what he sees as a potentialy messy situation.

 

Good luck,

Gentle

[spice4life]

Long story short:

Am married, was unhappy, met a man, fell in love, had amazing relationship, I separated, still amazing relationship, out of the blue he tells me that he can't do it anymore-this isn't a healthy relationship and he can't be the other person anymore-tells me to let him know when I get divorced, thought long and hard, filed for divorce, called him up to let him know-he was really happy to hear from me-almost seemed like normal, next day he tells me he doesn't want to make any promises and is scared that this will always be between us-doesn't know if he could start over, I asked him to keep an open mind, he told me to let him know when divorce is final, here we are 3 weeks later.....NC. What do you think? Do you think he would give me another chance after the D is final?

 

I'm going to say that it is possible if he is in love with you. It is very simple though, you are going to have to show him that you can be trusted. More importantly, you will have to show him that you are not only divorced, but "emotionally divorced" from your stbxh. He has to see that your stbxh is not an escape hatch for you if you hit a bump in the road with him (your OM). If he loves you he is probably scared because of all of the pulling him close then pushing him away emotionally stuff that goes on with being involved with a MW/MM. It is an extremely painful experience to go through if you are truly in love with that person. You have to show him that you understand the pain he went through being involved in the affair and rebuild his trust in you. It will probably take time and a lot of understanding on your part (and his) to eliminate the affair dynamic.

 

In essense, it will be like starting over and getting to know one another under normal dating circumstances. He will have to see that there is no emotional triangle with your stbx though. Again, his greatest fear is probably that you will turn tail and run if you hit a bump in the road, so he is going to be vigilant and protect his heart until he knows you are not going to do that to him. You will need to alleviate these fears as they come up and they most likely will due to the affair dynamic. If you can understand this and you know he truly loves you, then he is probably willing to give you a chance. But take it slow and work on building a foundation that is built on trust.

 

Good luck and best wishes on your new life. I would also like to commend you for being a person who actually listened and respected what the one you love said. It shows strength and great character. I hope it all works out for you.

Edited April 29, 2011 by spice4life

[veryconfuzed]

I can give you one perspective from the other side of the fence. Just this week I told my lover (who has a live-in girlfriend) that I can't see him any more until he is free/clear of that relationship. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I was miserable as an OW and it was taking its toll on my self esteem. Also, as I witnessed him deceive his gf over and over again, my trust in him was eroding slowly over time (worried that he could easily do the same thing to me if we ended up together).

 

Right now I feel so shell-shocked after being the OW for 7 months that if he called me to tell me he ended things with her and we're back on I would definitely have to hesitate to get involved again. I was in love with this man, but I have finally drawn a boundary and gotten out of a situation that was miserable to me. There are other issues in our relationship, too, that I'm seeing more clearly now that I have taken a step back.

 

If your OM is like me, he would only want you to get divorced on your own accord - only if it's what you want/need for yourself (not to be with him). If he feels you are leaving your relationship primarily to be with him that could be very frightening to him because he may not feel safe with you (may not know if he can trust you). There may be a perception that you are "trading up" to a better relationship, and that you are capable of doing that again. There could be other issues, too, that he is thinking about now that he has some distance from the relationship.

 

For many people, being an OW/OM is a traumatic experience. The OW/OM lives with that knowledge that having 2 relationships isn't sustainable, and the constant fear that they are very likely to be rejected in the end. That creates a sad and strange dynamic, I think, of loving someone yet trying not to get too emotionally attached.

 

Your OM may indeed be ready to see you again after your divorce is final, but if you really want things to work out you will need to work hard to rebuild his trust. He established a boundary with you and he is sticking to it. Things could work out in the end, but realize you may be dealing with a very traumatized and frightened person.

[Carrot2000]

Honestly, Hope, only time will tell. And that's really the only answer anyone can give you. You will have to wait and see, and be prepared for the possibility that things may not work out as you'd hoped. That's why everyone is saying that your divorce should be because you are unhappy in your marriage, not because you have another man waiting in the wings.

 

If he were to tell you tomorrow that he really isn't interested in a relationship with you, would you still follow through with your divorce?

[hope224]

Thank you so much everyone. It really helps to hear from you, I know I could never really "get" what it was like for him. spice-I think the biggest thing that hurt him was that we couldn't have a "real" relationship in the open, I never went back and forth between him and my husband, or questioned my feelings for him. Once I met him, I moved out as soon as I could and never made him feel that I was questioning my decision. veryconfuzed-why would you hesitate to get involved again?

everyone-I know that my divorce has to be for me, not for him, and I am trying to focus on that. But on the other hand, I am heartbroken not to have my lover in my life anymore, he was my best friend and everything else that comes with having a really strong connection/love. Not contacting him has been the hardest thing I've ever done, but I don't want to do anything that could screw up a potential future. I want to do things right for him. Any ideas on how to approach it once the D is final? I'm also afraid that his fears might not let him try again. I was so hopeful after we talked for the first time after we broke up (when he was happy to talk to me, told me that it had brought him a lot of joy and hope for the future) but then he said he didn't want to make any promises to me. It just seems like such a 180. Can anyone shed any light on this in regards to his feelings for me? I'm also scared that not talking to me might cause him to just push away his feelings and decide that he doesn't want to be with me. And on the other hand, how do I get over him if he decides he doesn't want to be with me in the end? (I know that when I get the D I should be ok whether or not I am with him, BUT the reality is that I will be heartbroken. No I won't be choosing him over my stbxh, but I will still be in love with him and will have to deal with that heartbreak if it doesn't work out. Sorry that was a lot I know.

[East7]

xOM here.

 

Spice and WWIU already wrote some very wise advices.

 

He may really love you but now he may question the fact whether you are a trustworthy person. I you cheated your H with him, what if you cheat on him in the future ? For me a cheater is not always a cheater but I can understand his fears. I would have serious trust issues even if my xMW ended with me.

 

Like one said here, having been OM/OW is a traumatic experience. He will not forget that each time you left him to go back home to your H, sleep with him, prepare him meals ect. For a man, having been an OM is a very hurtful and humiliating experience and these painful memories can be present in the future.

 

Building a post-affair relationship is as harder for an OM/OW as it is for a BS to fix a marriage. As for his attitude to go NC for the moment, you need to give him space and later start to date like a normal couple.

 

Asking you to show up with divorce papers is a very legitimate request. You need to prove him materially and emotionally that the R with your stxH is really over.

 

Also there is no guarantee that everything will work fine. You need to leave your H for YOU and take the risk that it might not work out with your lover.

 

Anyway, kudos for having stopped being a cake eater and having taken control over your life. The overwhelming majority of MW don't have that courage. Sometimes radical changes may turn out for the best

[veryconfuzed]

veryconfuzed-why would you hesitate to get involved again?

 

I'm hesitant because I worry that he is capable of cheating on me once I'm with him. There is another factor in my situation - he is also depressed. I wouldn't reject someone for being depressed, but I am aware that men who are depressed are more likely to take risks (like cheating). All of this worries me that if we became established as a couple he might return to being depressed and stray again looking for some happiness.

 

Any ideas on how to approach it once the D is final? I'm also afraid that his fears might not let him try again.

 

I think you're doing the right thing to let him know when the D is final. All you can do is your best to reassure him (and show him) that you are a trustworthy person. Some people only cheat once, and if that's you then you need to explain exactly that to him. There is a great book called "When Good People Have Affairs" (by Kirshenbaum) that includes a section on how to rebuild trust with your affair partner after an affair.

 

Good luck with everything - I truly hope you find all the love and happiness you're looking for

[hope224]

I think you're doing the right thing to let him know when the D is final. All you can do is your best to reassure him (and show him) that you are a trustworthy person. Some people only cheat once, and if that's you then you need to explain exactly that to him. There is a great book called "When Good People Have Affairs" (by Kirshenbaum) that includes a section on how to rebuild trust with your affair partner after an affair.

 

I've already read this book...and it is a good one. Thank you for your suggestions. I hope to find that love and happiness too.

[fooled once]

Long story short:

Am married, was unhappy, met a man, fell in love, had amazing relationship, I separated, still amazing relationship, out of the blue he tells me that he can't do it anymore-this isn't a healthy relationship and he can't be the other person anymore-tells me to let him know when I get divorced, thought long and hard, filed for divorce, called him up to let him know-he was really happy to hear from me-almost seemed like normal, next day he tells me he doesn't want to make any promises and is scared that this will always be between us-doesn't know if he could start over, I asked him to keep an open mind, he told me to let him know when divorce is final, here we are 3 weeks later.....NC. What do you think? Do you think he would give me another chance after the D is final?

 

Maybe not.

 

Like others said, he may think you only divorced because of him and that is too much pressure on him. He may also feel guilty for being involved with a married person. It sounds like he has some morals since he did stop the affair because it was bothering him to sleep with a MW.

 

 

Nope. Not until you can respect him and leave him alone for a while and work on yourself. Be alone, get out of the affair dynamic. Learn to be independant without any man in your life.

 

Do you have children? If so, this probably is weighing in his mind too.

 

Ditto. Be independent. Nothing worse than a needy clingy woman.

 

. Any ideas on how to approach it once the D is final? I'm also afraid that his fears might not let him try again. Can anyone shed any light on this in regards to his feelings for me? I'm also scared that not talking to me might cause him to just push away his feelings and decide that he doesn't want to be with me. And on the other hand, how do I get over him if he decides he doesn't want to be with me in the end? (I know that when I get the D I should be ok whether or not I am with him, BUT the reality is that I will be heartbroken. No I won't be choosing him over my stbxh, but I will still be in love with him and will have to deal with that heartbreak if it doesn't work out. Sorry that was a lot I know.

 

If you feel that by not taking to him and taking time for you to become emotionally healthy will push him away, then he didn't love you to begin with.

 

You get over him because life existed before him, it will exist again.

 

I have a feeling that he isn't that interested. I think he doesn't like the fact that he became involved in an affair and that is why I do not think he will be "the one". You are basically saying - at least IMHO - that you only did divorce because of him. If I can get that from your posts, then he probably sees it too and he will not allow him to the reason your marriage ended. And like someone else said, he may have trust issues with you since you cheated on your H.

 

None of us know what he feels for you. We can only go by what you post and if YOU aren't sure what he feels, there is no way we can.

 

I think you need to prepare yourself for a life without him.

 

You really need to be on your own - not dating - for at least a year to grieve your marriage, get some counseling and begin your life.

 

I guess I see you calling him the day of court and telling him "Hi - I'm divorced. Now can we date". That will turn him off big time.

 

Does he know when the divorce is final? So it has only been 3 weeks since you filed? Sorry, I'm confused. I think you are rushing things too quickly. IF he really loves you and wants a future with you, he will 'wait' until you are divorced (as long as it doesn't go for years and years unresolved). But I really think you need to be realistic and err on the side of not having a relationship with him so that if he decides to move on without you, you have time to prepare yourself for that.

[hope224]

Does anyone like that they got involved in an affair? Probably not. But some still do work out.

No, I am not getting a divorce because of him, I have been in counseling for a while and worked through the issues of why it didn't, and won't, work with my H. I am doing this for me.

I wasn't planning on calling him the day it is final, I don't want him to think I can just run back to him. I know it will take time and I want to do it the right way. What would be helpful is how to do that.

It has been about 2-3 weeks since I filed, it'll be about another month before it is final.

[whichwayisup]

You need to start fresh and casually date. Start over. No sex, get out of the affair dynamic completely and this has to be on his terms, not yours.

 

Don't call him right away and be anxious to pick up where you left off. You can let him know when the D is final, (email) and let him know that you are continuing counselling on your own and taking time to just be alone and that you hope when things are more settled you two can go out on a real date. Asking anything more of that (real date) is pushing it.

[hope224]

I know we have to totally start fresh. I don't expect to pick up where we left off. And that's what I want too. You think just an email when the D is final? And do you think if he wants to try again that he'll just contact me after that?

[spice4life]

I know we have to totally start fresh. I don't expect to pick up where we left off. And that's what I want too. You think just an email when the D is final? And do you think if he wants to try again that he'll just contact me after that?

 

I think an email is fine letting him know where you are and ask him if he would just like to meet for coffee or lunch just to talk. Be honest with him and let him know that you understand how painful the situation was for him (when you meet to talk) and that you would be interested in getting to know him without the distraction of being married. Don't start the communication out as it was before...handle it different and it might get his attention. If you have to lay low for a while till the dust settles, be honest and tell him that. Tell him why so he fully understands, but make time for him in a different way than you used to do. He will need to see a change in your actions in order to believe you. If it were me, and there wasn't a change in the communication style that comes with being in an affair, I would be VERY apprehensive and it would trigger the hurt and disappointment I felt during the affair. So just let him know you respect his feelings through words and actions and if he loves you he will do (or should do) the same in return. Baby steps to regain trust is the best way to go. At least it would be for me anyway.

 

Good luck.

[Lucky_One]

Sometimes AP's are happy with the status quo of the EMA. You separated, you started seeing each other more frequently and more openly, and he backed away. You filed for D, and he has backed even further away.

 

He could be afraid that you want to get married ASAP, and he may not have seen your R as a long-term, viable, permanent commitment type of R.

 

Not many AP's who want to be with the married person back off when their married lover leaves the marriage and wants to commit to them. The AP's who back off tend to be the ones who really don't want the full-time, long-term commitment.

[skywriter]

Whichwayisup posted ;

 

"Nope. Not until you can respect him and leave him alone for a while and work on yourself. Be alone, get out of the affair dynamic. Learn to be independant without any man in your life".

 

I think this is the best advice ever!

[hope224]

Sometimes AP's are happy with the status quo of the EMA. You separated, you started seeing each other more frequently and more openly, and he backed away. You filed for D, and he has backed even further away.

 

He could be afraid that you want to get married ASAP, and he may not have seen your R as a long-term, viable, permanent commitment type of R.

 

Not many AP's who want to be with the married person back off when their married lover leaves the marriage and wants to commit to them. The AP's who back off tend to be the ones who really don't want the full-time, long-term commitment.

 

I'm pretty sure the reason is not because he is scared of or doesn't want the commitment. The thing he wanted the most was to be able to go out in the world, introduce me to his parents and he talked about the future all the time. I think it was more about the guilt and wondering whether we could move past it.

[Jane Deaux]

Something that may be bothering him also is knowing that people, as in his friends and family may judge him for being involved with you so soon "after" your D. So he may want to take time before it is a relationship out in the open. It's always something that needs to be considered between someone/someones going though divorce and having an OP on the side. Many will jump, quite correctly, to the conclusion that you guys were having an affair. He may be trying to avoid this. So give him a little time.

 

Also, I think what some others said about a simple email to let him know its final is a good idea. Then let him take it from there. Follow his lead to a point and let him go at a pace comfortable for him. Just don't get walked on, don't be clingy, needy, pushy or pathetic. Stay strong acting, independent and sexy! Be happy to see him or talk to him but not desperate.

 

Good luck.

[hope224]

Thanks so much Jane. Truly helpful words.