Needing Validation

[johan]

I'm proud of my life. I know I have good qualities.

 

This latest little dating fiasco has really gotten to me though. It's been a while since I reached out to someone and tried to have a relationship, until this last girl.

 

Her rejection of me has really struck home. I'm feeling really depressed about it. It's not that I was that attached to her, although there were things I really liked about her. But mostly it's the fact that she discovered something about me that she couldn't be with. And now I am really in need validation that I'm any good at all.

 

I've taken all the messages she gave me to heart, mixed them with the messages previous girlfriends gave me, mixed all that with self-criticism, and now I'm in the process of convincing myself that no woman will ever really want to be with me. That I'm completely unlovable. And it's making me feel so low.

 

I can't escape these messages I'm raining down on myself. It's not fair. I don't want to spend another minute in my life feeling bad about a breakup, but my self image is just hanging by a thread.

[USMCHokie]

I came a bit late to the party and didn't get a chance to go through your last thread detailing this last relationship, so I'm not really familiar with the situation and can only speak in general terms. However, I know how you feel because I have felt similarly before...

 

What's validation really going to do for you? Just lift up your spirits temporarily until the next speed bump comes along to stop your car dead in its tracks? Just because this girl pointed out something that she didn't like doesn't mean that all of femaledom will feel the same way.

 

It's great that you are taking these messages to heart, but it's more important what you do with those messages. You can either use them to improve yourself in your eyes, or you can be Debbie Downer and mope around with your head between your legs.

 

And you say that your "self"-image is hanging by a thread? More like what you perceive one other person thinks of you...or maybe two other people...if they can't deal, then they're not the one...

 

Sh*t happens. Get over it.

[Kamille]

Rejections sucks. This part is only part of the healing process. I'm always single, the week after a break up, that I will never ever meet someone again. And yet, I always do.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself.

[orangelady]

I feel for you. I think it does take time to sort of let this information die away from your memory. What would really help practically, is to meet MORE people and choose those that appreciate you. Soon these individuals would override your 'exes' that didn't seem to like you. I often feel I would not meet someone decent too unless I have plastic surgery done but I am trying to apply certain positive things in my life otherwise I feel my life is just going to waste. Don't be in the middle, either do something about it or............I don't know.

[donnamaybe]

I can only speak to what I know about you via, LS, but you are one of the more original and witty posters here. Good conversation and sense of humor are huge, at least for me. Does any of the feedback you've received resonate with you at all? Don't be so sure it is a character flaw and not just a matter of incompatability.

[johan]

Nice of you to say, Donna. I'm sure it doesn't hurt that I'm not one of your conservative nemeses.

 

This thread should really be about needing validation in general, and not me needing it from people here. Some form of contact from this girl would make a difference. Or maybe the start of a fling with someone else. Because I do need validation. Which is my problem.

 

I'm hoping to get it from a woman, instead of getting it from other aspects of my life. I really should change that. It's not right that someone I have a 5-week fling with can walk away and mess things up for me so much.

[westernxer]

But mostly it's the fact that she discovered something about me that she couldn't be with.

 

It's like a twisting of the knife, but don't let it get too deep.

 

She probably couldn't be with you because you actually have a sense of validation.

[orangelady]

Because I do need validation. Which is my problem.

 

I'm hoping to get it from a woman, instead of getting it from other aspects of my life. I really should change that.

 

You have identified your problem. Now you only need to find the solution that works for you. You're just like me, except worse. Talk to DreamingofTIgers, or PM her, I think she might be able to help you. She did an indepth study of this matter. I'm also trying to be 'complete' without a man. In other words, happy. I hope you do and I'm sure you can.

[johan]

It's like a twisting of the knife, but don't let it get too deep.

 

She probably couldn't be with you because you actually have a sense of validation.

 

I know I twist it myself. It's so strange how some people (like me) always choose to believe the worst about themselves when things like this happen. I don't really understand why. Also I don't understand your last comment.

 

You have identified your problem. Now you only need to find the solution that works for you. You're just like me, except worse. Talk to DreamingofTIgers, or PM her, I think she might be able to help you. She did an indepth study of this matter. I'm also trying to be 'complete' without a man. In other words, happy. I hope you do and I'm sure you can.

 

Thanks, orangelady.

[dreamingoftigers]

You have identified your problem. Now you only need to find the solution that works for you. You're just like me, except worse. Talk to DreamingofTIgers, or PM her, I think she might be able to help you. She did an indepth study of this matter. I'm also trying to be 'complete' without a man. In other words, happy. I hope you do and I'm sure you can.

 

Whoa whoa, thanks for the vote of confidence but before we get too far with the kudos, I didn't do a study on validation (in and of itself) and can take no credit for any of that.

 

But I have done a painful wrenching ton in other closely related areas.

 

My guess is that you were relatively self-confident before, no?

 

Now this rejection and her reason (of which I am not aware) did two things.

 

1. Knocked out your lovely new-fling dopamine feel good production.

 

2. Triggered a little underlying shame, just to make you feel a little worse.

 

That's why this particular rejection got you messed, you went fairly high up and then...... Splat.

 

It has nothing to do with your self-worth.

 

Now, generally when someone starts saying inside their head "I'm not worthy."

There is something just underneath that, something that some other memory or experience slugged in there long ago.

 

All of us have flaws, and character flaws. So what hits this particular point if being so toxic? What perfection are you aiming at that makes you feel unliveable? Damn phone......

[orangelady]

I know I twist it myself. It's so strange how some people (like me) always choose to believe the worst about themselves when things like this happen. I don't really understand why. Also I don't understand your last comment.

.

 

Could this be you?

 

1. All-or-nothing thinking - You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure.

 

2. Overgeneralization - You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as "always" or "never" when you think about it.

 

3. Mental Filter - You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. Example: You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.

 

4. Discounting the positive - You reject positive experiences by insisting that they "don't count." If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have done as well. Discounting the positives takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded.

 

5. Jumping to conclusions - You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion.

 

Mind Reading : Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you.

 

Fortune-telling : You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you may tell yourself, "I'm really going to blow it. What if I flunk?" If you're depressed you may tell yourself, "I'll never get better."

 

6. Magnification - You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. This is also called the "binocular trick."

 

7. Emotional Reasoning - You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very dangerous to fly." Or, "I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person." Or, "I feel angry. This proves that I'm being treated unfairly." Or, "I feel so inferior. This means I'm a second rate person." Or, "I feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless."

[orangelady]

All of us have flaws, and character flaws. So what hits this particular point if being so toxic? What perfection are you aiming at that makes you feel unliveable? Damn phone......

 

Let's look at it this way, if the girl is now dating Johan despite mentioning a few things she didn't like about him, would he be even feeling this way right now?

[orangelady]

It's called REJECTION and yeah it hurts ... like HELL.

[freestyle]

Johan---

 

Which kind of validation is more important to you......

 

External or internal?